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Real Me by CG again
 
Chapter 9
 
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No, Buffy!” Dawn said, exasperated. “I don’t know what kind of thrall he has over you, but you’re not seeing him. Not until it’s worn off.”

“It’s not a thrall!” I protested. “I tried to kill him at first. I just…”

“No,” she said firmly. “Vampires are my area of expertise. You’ll thank me for this after-“

I gritted my teeth. “If you say thrall again, I’ll bite you.”

I hung up the phone, in a considerably fouler mood than I had begun. Willow and her locator spell had been MIA since last night, and I had optimistically decided to just ask my sister to tell me where Spike was. She wasn’t being very helpful.

Waking up with Riley had cast a cold shower on my delusions. Feeling warmth beside me instead of cool skin had felt wrong, and I was forced to accept that I had developed a vampire fetish. Or maybe just a Spike fetish. Whatever brand of normal I had been going for with Riley was a bust, and it was time to move on.

How could I have been so stupid as to have had slept with him? My rationalisms from the night before seemed absurd in the light of day. My hesitation shouldn’t have been about hurting Spike at all. Spike didn’t care. It was about Riley, and how I’d used him to get my mind off of Spike, albeit unsuccessfully.

Willow and I had spoken about my bad luck with guys after the Parker incident. She’d explained to me that I had a subconscious desire to please the men I was with to try to keep them, so I hurried the relationship to the one thing that I thought I could contribute. My mistakes in terms of bedfellows were all about my own insecurity. But this time, I had done the opposite. I had been so selfish and self-centered last night, consoling misplaced longings and my worries by putting both Riley and me into a situation where we’d both only be hurt.

I was so stupid. And I couldn’t talk to Willow about this, not since she went all Walsh-crazy. That conversation I had had with her had ended up a whole dissection of my “daddy issues,” and I didn’t want to be a psych student’s experimental personality study. I wanted a friend.

And since I definitely couldn’t discuss all this with Xander, I was left alone to wallow.

The door creaking open jolted me out of my thoughts, and I jerked up, startled. “Oh, Willow!”

She squeaked in surprise, her face reddening instantly. “Buffy! H-hi! I thought you’d be in class by now!”

I gave her an odd look. “It’s Thanksgiving weekend. What’s up with you?” I asked curiously, leaning forward. “You never came back this morning. And you’re acting all Walk of Shame-y.”

“W-What? Me? Shame? Nothing happened!” Willow said hastily. “I just…I fell asleep in the library. Looking for…” her voice trailed off. “Books?”

My eyes narrowed. Willow was acting weird. Oh, well. She’d probably tell me eventually. One thing I knew was that Willow couldn’t keep any of her own secrets. Oh, she was good about mine, or Xander’s, or anyone else’s, usually. But when she’d done something, she never could keep it in. “Whatever.” I flopped back down onto my bed. “Any luck with that locater spell? Did you and Tara do it last night?”

She went from red to white in seconds. “Did we…what? No! There was no doing of any sort! I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

I smirked. Now this was getting clearer. “You and Tara got it on last night!”

Willow held up a hand. “Buffy, don’t freak out or anything…”

“Hey, I’m proud of you!” I said, smiling. “I thought I was one-night-stand girl, but college is a time for experimentation.” Willow’s brow was furrowed in confusion. “Everyone should try it at least once! Who was the lucky guy?”

“Guy?” Willow asked faintly.

“The guy you met last night?” I said impatiently. “There usually is a guy involved in one night stands,” I teased.

“Oh. OH!” Willow said, sounding oddly relieved. “Um…just a guy in my English class. No one special.” She moved away to her closet, looking for something to wear.

I suddenly remembered to be annoyed. “Wait a minute! While you were having an all-new college experience, Spike was probably languishing in a freaky Slayer torture chamber or something. What happened to the locator spell?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” Willow shook her head. “I started researching it, and then I…”

“Got distracted?” I asked teasingly.

Willow flushed.

--

After much internal debate, I decided to go to the Sunnydale High library. If that was the Slayer’s base of operations, maybe that was where Spike was being held. Or maybe some clues.

The doors were unlocked, but the school was empty. That was promising. I headed to the library, pushing open the double doors with extra force to make them fly open. I’d always wanted to do that.

“Spike?” I called out in a low voice. No answer. “Dawn? Giles?”

“May I help you?” a polite voice asked from my right. Miss Calendar, the school’s computer teacher, emerged from Giles’s office. She frowned. “Buffy, right? Dawn’s sister?”

I nodded. “Um, why are you…?”

“Here?” Miss Calendar gestured toward Giles’s desk, where several dusty tomes lay open. “Janice and I have been going through some of Rupert’s books. She’s here somewhere.”

“Ha! Dawn was right!” Janice called as she descended the staircase from the second level. “She was sure that you’d come here first.”

I sighed. “Janice, I’m really not in the mood. Where’s Spike?”

“Not here,” Janice informed me. “You’re not going to be able to find him, you know. Dawn’s positive that you’re under thrall, and distance will cure it.” She rolled her eyes.

“And you don’t agree?” I asked cautiously. Was Janice my way in?

Janice shrugged. “Dawn was always a little too intense about the whole vampire thing. Then she met Angel. He’s even more intense than she is. They rub off on each other. Me? I’m not really in it for the whole sacred duty thing. I just wanna have fun.”

“And fun is nearly getting killed on a daily basis?” I asked skeptically.

Janice gave me a look.

I remembered. Right. This was the Janice who had been suspended from school last year for eating a live pig as some stupid initiation prank or something. The Janice who picked fights with the toughest seniors in school, and who supposedly went on dates at the cemetery. Though that last one made more sense these days. “Got it. So you’re going to let me go to Spike?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Miss Calendar put in. “If Dawn doesn’t want Buffy there, she has her reasons. She’s the Slayer.”

“Chill out, Jenny,” Janice swung a leg over the side of the staircase and slid down the banister. She slid off, handing me the book. “It’s got a truth spell. We’re going to use it on Spike, and we’ll find out about the thrall business. Then you might be able to come over and play, if Giles lets. He’s kind of a stuffy host.” Miss Calendar sighed, and Janice clapped a hand to mouth in mock horror. “Have I said too much? Bad Janice!”

Giles. Great. “Any chance you’ll give me the address?” I asked hopefully.

“I think you’d better leave now,” Miss Calendar said, but there was a smile playing at her lips. “I’ll walk you out.”

We started toward the door. I gave her my most beseeching look. “Are you just trying to get me away from Janice so you can give me the address without giving Janice any ideas?”

Miss Calendar gave me a small smile. “I doubt Janice needs any ideas on how to subvert authority.” She put a hand on mine, and I turned to look at her. “I wanted to talk to you about Spike. Am I right in assuming you have some kind of feelings for him? From the way Dawn put it…”

“Something like that,” I said uneasily. “But we’re not in a relationship or anything. Just friends.”

“Be careful,” Miss Calendar said softly. “Relationships with vampires are never a good thing. They don’t end well.”

“What about Angel?” I challenged, knowing what was coming. Stupid soul. I bet Dawn wouldn’t be half as biased without Angel and his soul around.

But Miss Calendar surprised me. She shook her head, troubled. “They don’t end well,” she repeated. “Take care.”

I left the school, Miss Calendar’s warning ringing in my ears.

--

“Willow!” I found her sitting on a shady bench, speaking to Tara in a low voice. “Hey Tara! Willow, do you think you could hack into Sunnydale High’s computer system and get Giles’s address? Or maybe try a locator spell-“ I smirked at her, and both girls looked stricken. I wondered what Tara’s role had been in Willow’s adventures last night. “-for real this time?”

Willow’s eyes lit up. “Or maybe we could go into the city records, and find all the British citizens in Sunnydale, and then we can check each one-“

“O-or you could check the phone book,” Tara offered, looking down when we both stared at her.

Willow blinked. “Or we could check the phone book.”

“Remember how we used to be sensible?” I reflected.

“I was never sensible,” Willow pointed out.

“Valid point,” I conceded.

--

Giles lived closer than I’d have thought, in a nice little house that looked completely ordinary. I figured that if you were the helpless old man in charge of coaching the girl who gave monsters nightmares, you had to blend in.

I rapped on the door, expecting an extremely pissed Dawn. Instead, I got a flustered Giles.

“Er…Buffy. I’m afraid I wasn’t anticipating company.”

“I just want to talk to you,” I said innocently. “Can I come in?”

Giles took off his glasses and started wiping them vigorously. “Oh, my flat is simply a wreck right now. I really can’t entertain in-“

I stepped past him into the house. “Nice place. Where’s Spike?”

“BUFFY!” I heard a howl from a side room. I yanked open the door, and saw…

“A bathtub?” I demanded, disgusted. “You’ve chained him up in the bathtub? So much for British hospitality.”

Spike tried to reach up to me, but was held back by the thick chains that kept him in place. “Are you here to get me? They call themselves the good guys, but they’re really sadistic evil bastards! I wouldn’t even do this to my enemies, and I’m the big bad! Angelus gets some sick pleasure out of chaining me up, I’m…what?” He squinted at my face.

I drank him in, smiling as his voice washed over me. Is this what love feels like? “Nothing. I was just worried about you.” I bent down to kneel next to the tub. “How are you doing?”

He smiled, letting the fingers that could reach me stroke my cheek gently. “Missed you, pet.” I melted. “And these prats have been absolutely unbearable. They won’t even feed me!”

I turned back to glare at Giles, who was watching us interact with a gaze both detached and concerned. “Dawn said you’d get him blood! And these chains are inhumane!”

“Shockingly, humane behavior is not my main concern around Spike,” Giles said coolly. “And Dawn intended to pick some blood up today, but I’m afraid that your mother’s paramour has distracted her for the time being.”

“I guess I’ll get some…wait. Paramour?” I frowned. “Like boyfriend? My mom doesn’t have a boyfriend!”

“She was here complaining about him all morning,” Spike added, just a little bit of a whine in his tone.

“Mom didn’t mention him yesterday. Neither did Dawn.” I felt a little snubbed. I’d been away for a while, but news like Mom dating again warranted at least a phone call!

“M’pretty sure she just found out, Big Sis,” Spike said soothingly. “She’ll probably tell you soon, too.”

“She’d better,” I muttered.

“Buffy,” Giles spoke up, his tone decisive. “I’d like you to come with me. There’s something you need to see.”

I looked at Spike. He nodded resignedly, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Go ahead, love.”

I squeezed his hand, tossed him one last smile, and followed Giles to the next room.

“If you’re going to continue this relationship, it’s best that you know with whom you’re spending your time,” Giles informed me, holding out a book.

I took it, frowning. “I know he’s a vampire, Giles. What else do I need to know?”

He didn’t say anything, just motioned for me to sit.

I flipped open the book to the bookmarked page and began to read.

William the Bloody. Nicknamed Spike for impaling his victims with railroad spikes. Murderer with an immense lust for violence. One of the worst documented living vampires. Part of what was called the Scourge of Europe. Killed. Killed. Killed even more, just for the sake of killing. Presumably also a rapist and torture artist, like his sire’s sire and mentor, Angelus. (Angelus?) Cruel. Soulless. Murderer.

I read about six pages until my eyes were too blurry with tears to read anymore. It was more than enough. The bloody picture it painted didn’t match the man I’d spent so much time with lately. And yet...

Pervasive memories surged to the front of my mind.

“You’re lucky I’ve got some business with the Slayer, or you’d be dead already, pet.”

“Have I met all the Summers now? Got any men hidden in that big, old house? You know who I haven’t seen? Daddy dearest. Wonder where he could be.”

“I think I’ll turn you. You’d make a magnificent vampire.”

I pulled myself up and walked to the bathroom with leaden feet.

Spike looked up at me, his eyes hopeful. “Buffy?”

“Is it all true?” I asked blankly.

He met my eyes. “Mostly,” he said evenly. “It’s who I am.”

I nodded and left the house, not stopping to say goodbye to Giles and see his satisfied face.

He’s sick. How sick am I that I fell for him?

I went through the motions the next few days. Hung out with Willow, Xander, and sometimes Tara. Met Ted, Mom’s boyfriend. Didn’t see what was so bad about him. He made good mini-pizzas. Did my schoolwork. Dated Riley. Avoided being alone outside at night.

I didn’t speak to Spike. I didn’t speak about Spike. And no one spoke about him to me, after the first few times.

Until the morning came when none of us could speak at all.
 
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