[A/N: For the purposes of this story, the events in season 2 of Angel were altered a bit, and Angel and Darla slept together both before and after she was re-vamped by Drusilla. I spent nearly two days trying to come up with something that fit for this chapter’s title and nothing has worked. I’m reusing one of the sources. Sue me. Go ahead, you’ll get absolutely nothing from me, because I have nothing. The title comes from Alice in Chains (yeah, yeah, them again) and the song is Love Hate Love from Facelift and numerous bootleg live recordings. Anyway, the quotes are as attributed. Disclaimers are still in full force and effect]

Previously: Giles slipped and now Dawn and Tara know exactly what Willow did; Wesley and Angel are searching for a reason for Darla’s pregnancy. This picks up immediately where we left everyone.

47. Innocence creates my hell.

Passions are generally roused from great conflict.
Titus Livius, Histories III

And through the heat of conflict keeps the law
in calmness made, and sees what he foresaw.
William Wordsworth, Character of the Happy Warrior

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their desires.
Susan B. Anthony


He was laughing. It was the only thing he could do at the moment. No doubt Darla was . . . oh god. Spike convulsed in absolute hilarity, his eyes tearing up.

It took him a while, but finally Spike wiped his eyes and, taking note of Giles’ expression, said, “how’d this happen then?”

“Obviously they slept together before Drusilla re-sired her. And somehow she got pregnant.”

Well this certainly was a kicker. Not something he’d ever imagined hearing. “Is there a prophecy? What’d Oxford say about this?”

“Wesley told me late last night. I called him about something else, about the texts and he told me this.”

Spike was well and truly gobsmacked. Angel had done the nearly impossible. “Its an old legend, ‘bout vamps getting human women w’child. Somethin’ mystical always around it, jus’ don’t know the p’ticulars. Not exactly talked about yeah?” Spike had shifted on the bed, clearly uncomfortable.

“She’s . . . Dunno how she’s likely to react.” He shook his head. “Suppose you want me to tell her.”

Giles looked at him. This wasn’t fair to put on Spike’s shoulders. Not that he wanted to be the one to tell her either. She was already not happy with him. But, he knew about this first so, the task was rightly his.

Before he could say anything his phone rang. Lifting it from his pocket, Giles saw the incoming number and said, ‘its Wesley.”

“Good. I need a word with him.” Spike motioned for the phone. Handing it over, Giles prepared to listen.

“You bloody wanker.”

If he was surprised at the greeting, Wesley made no mention of it. “I suppose he just told you.”

“Yeah. How come you didn’t say anything earlier?” Spike’s growl was barely controlled.

“Wasn’t sure who was listening. These two lines are secure.”

“Were you plannin’ on sharing with the rest of us?”

“Soon as I had more information.” He paused, then, “look I”ve not much time, Angel asked if Darla’s pregnancy might have something to do with her being brought back from the dead by mystical means.”

Spike nearly dropped the phone. Closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath, Spike said, “has the ring of truth.” And then he looked at Rupert. “You tell him. Hold on. Oxford wants to tell you somethin’.”

Giles’ face blanched visibly upon hearing Wesley’s news and Angel’s new theory.

“Oh good gods.”


******************************** ***************************************

The three girls sat in silence for a bit, each one of them deep in thought and then at some signal, all three of them spoke at once.

“What was heaven like?”

“I can’t believe she did this.”

“I didn’t want to hurt either of you.”

Relieved laughter rang through the room then just as quickly as it started it stopped. Motioning for one of the others to go first, Tara forced a smile. Buffy looked at Dawn, who just repeated her question.

“It was quiet, peaceful . . . sort of like being in a big comfy bed with soft pillows and just . . . safe.” Buffy shrugged, unable to find the words to describe exactly how it had been, other than quiet and safe.

“Was Mom there?” Dawn’s voice wavered.

“It wasn’t really like that. There was no need for names, just . . . I didn’t really see any one else either. Sorry Dawnie.”

Dawn didn’t quite understand, but she’d think about it for a while before she said anything else. Before she realized it, she’d said, “guess its kinda hard being back here, huh?”

“Yeah it is.” There wasn’t anything else she could say. Now that the truth was out, no point in hiding the rest of it.

“I’m ssso sorry Buffy.” Tara’s voice was thick with unshed tears.

Turning to look at her, Buffy nearly started crying again. The anguished guilt was stamped upon her features and it wasn’t even her guilt to bear. “Tara. Please stop blaming yourself. It wasn’t you. Please.”

“You should be angry.”

“Well yeah. But not with you or Dawnie or Spike or even Giles.” Buffy searched the other girl’s face. “I’m so not happy with your ex-girlfriend or with Xander.” She hesitated, taking a deep breath, “you’ve done so much for me, so much for Dawnie. Without you, we’d be in a mess.”

Pausing a beat, she continued, “I can do laundry and cleaning but cooking, not so good. We’d be eating lots of take out.”

She got half-hearted laughs from the other two, but she figured that was progress.


******************************** ****************************************

On the fourth try, she got lucky. She’d kept trying after talking with Wesley the first time and getting the run around, Willow didn’t give up.

Finally Angel answered the phone. The conversation was short and not so sweet. She’d chickened out in the end, the news that Spike and Buffy were a couple somehow unable to leave her lips.

Oh, Willow had wanted to tell him, but she couldn’t. Couldn’t force herself to say those words.

Angel had sounded a bit distracted though, like there were other things on his mind more important than Buffy, which she didn’t understand. She started having some doubts about involving Angel anyway, but then she’d remember it was Buffy and that Angel would want to know she was back and Buffy would be grateful for that.

She’d called the Hyperion from one of the phones at school and then headed toward Revello Drive. There was still the situation with Tara to resolve. Checking her watch she figured it was a half hour walk to the house, which would get her home around four.


******************************** ***************************************

Neither man spoke after Giles hung up.

Independently they both arrived at the same thought, the same conclusion. Buffy had to know, because if Angel’s theory proved correct . . . .

“Not sure you should be the one to tell her.” Was Spike’s first comment.

“How is she likely to react?” Giles was concerned.

“Dunno Rupert. Still not sure how she’s feelin’ from your little bombshell.”

Ouch.

But he deserved that.

Spike exhaled loudly. “Dunno . . . she’s likely to pitch me out on my ear or just as likely to not.”

“Would just as soon hold off on this . . . tellin’ her.”

Giles shot him a look that was more father than watcher. “And what happens if she ends up like Darla?”

Spike’s look was pure venom. “You thinkin’ I’ll skip out? I’d walk away?” He stood up, crowding the older man. He poked a finger at his chest, punctuating his words. “Not likely. Not the leavin’ type, an’ if that’s mine she’s carryin’ you’d have to sweep up m’dust to get rid of me.”

Dropping his eyes Spike shifted away. “I’ll tell her tonight.”

The phone ringing upstairs caught their attention. Sharing a glance, the same thought was in both their minds. Before the third ring, Spike was at the top of the stairs, bellowing out, “Don’t answer that!”

Which stalled Buffy’s hand from picking up the receiver.

The confusion was clear on her face as he burst through the doorway, but when Angel’s voice sounded on the answering machine, Buffy smiled at him. It faded a bit listening to Angel’s message.

“Dawn. Dawn, its Angel, pick up the phone.” A pause. “Willow just called to tell me Buffy’s back. What the hell’s going on? Dawn . . . please pick up the phone.”

Buffy turned a pained look in his direction, asking “why would she do that?”

“‘Spose she’s not happy ‘bout me being here, ‘bout what she saw last night.” He couldn’t think of any other reason.

She could see the concern, the worry in his eyes, no doubt the same look her own eyes had. “I don’t understand Spike.”

“Me either love.” His hand reached out for hers and Buffy met him halfway, then pushed forward into his arms. Her head found its natural spot beneath his chin and she held on until his arms circled round, holding her tight.

He looked up to see everyone in the kitchen, watching them. Dawn had tears in her eyes and Spike just opened his arms and she was clutching both of them.

Giles leaned against the kitchen sink watching them.

“He’s going to keep calling right? Maybe I should call him back, tell him to stay away until you’re better.” Dawn broke away from the pair, moving to sit on one of the stools.

Sharing a look with his fellow Englishman, Spike said, “its up to your sis how she wants to handle this.”

“I think it’s a good idea.” Tara spoke from the doorway. “Willow’s going to be here soon, and we – may not need to use the basement.”

“What?”

“Why?”

“No, you can’t leave.”

But it was Buffy’s voice that really caught Tara’s attention. “No Tara you can’t leave. You’re family. And family stays.”

No one missed the implication that Willow might not fall into that category anymore.

“Call him Dawn. Tell him I’m not ready for a visit. Tell him whatever you want but convince him that I’m not ready to see him.” Buffy had turned to face her sister still within the circle of Spike’s embrace.

Looking at the clock, Buffy turned to Spike, “is it okay to . . . can you make it to the sewers at this hour?”

“Sure. Not a problem, kitten. What’s this about?”

Buffy looked at Giles, “can you stay the night and make sure the girls are okay?”

“Of course. Buffy, what are you planning?” Giles stood up straight, watching the slayer awaken.

“Not planning anything. Not sure I want to see Willow right now . . . and . . don’t want to hear Angel giving Dawn a hard time.”

She laid her head against Spike’s chest. “I’m just not ready for all this . . “

Spike brushed a kiss against her hair. “Might be best if none of us were here when Red gets back.”

“I think I need to do this alone anyway.” Tara weighed in, looking from one face to the next.

“You sure Glinda? Don’t mind stayin’.” Spike wanted to make it clear he was willing to protect her also, but Tara was shaking her head. “No. Buffy needs you. Don’t worry I’m not going anywhere.”

“Dunno, pet. I’ve a funny feeling ‘bout this. Maybe we should stick around.”

Buffy started to speak, but in the next moment it didn’t matter, because the front door opened and Willow’s voice was ringing out a cheery “hello!”


******************************** ****************************************

“You knew she was back, didn’t you?” Angel was pacing the Hyperion’s lobby apparently waiting for Wesley’s return.

He stilled halfway down the steps. Unslinging his backpack, Wesley hesitated before answering. “I did.”

“How come you didn’t tell me?” Angel was facing him now, arms crossed over his chest, his features deceptively without expression.

“I don’t think she’s ready for emotional confrontations. She barely leaves the house.” It was the only answer Wesley could come up with that wasn’t another outright lie.

“What makes you think it would be a confrontation?” Angel hadn’t moved, effectively blocking Wesley’s further entry into the hotel.

“The possibility exists. She’s not ready for it.” Wesley had had enough of Angel’s posturing. Brushing past him, Wesley headed for his office, Angel trailing after him.

“What makes you so sure she’s not ready to see me?” Angel was beginning to sound petulant, something that Wesley found exceeding boring and not to mention childish.

“Angel. She’s just not ready. She’s barely talking and she’s still skittish. Give her another couple of days and then maybe, if she’s ready, go see her.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Wesley rolled his eyes and sat down at his desk. Spare me lord, he prayed, from hormonal vampires.


******************************** ****************************************

It was too late for any of them to leave now. Willow was back and unless they all managed to slip out the door, they were all going to be present for the confrontation.

“Showtime” was Dawn’s low voiced comment. As she grabbed a drink and some fruit, she said to the adults, “I’m going upstairs. I’ll call Angel from my room.”

Walking past Tara, she whispered “good luck.”

Rushing out into the hallway, Dawn pointedly ignored Willow, not returning the red-head’s chipper greeting.

“‘M heading downstairs.” Spike figured the other two would either follow or not, but he thought the girls needed some privacy.

Giles glanced around, then stated, “I’m going into the shop. There’s some research I need to do about the Cwn Annwn. I’ve a theory on how to send them back.” Heading for the back door, Giles said, “are you patrolling tonight?”

At their mutual agreement, Giles replied, “stop in before you go. Hopefully I’ll have a bit more to go on.”

And the men were gone, leaving only Tara and Buffy in the kitchen when Willow wandered in.

“Hey.”

There was a definite chill in the atmosphere, the comfortable feeling of moments ago replaced by something else. Buffy shivered as the hairs on her arms and neck stood up. This was the first time she’d be in Willow’s presence without Spike’s protection and she was feeling the lack. Suddenly wanting to be elsewhere, Buffy waited for the first possible moment to best escape.

“Hey Wills.” She tried smiling but it felt funny on her face.

Tara still hadn’t said anything.

Moving toward the refrigerator for something to drink, Willow watched as Tara stiffened when she walked past her. Uhoh, not a good sign.

Deciding to face this head on, Willow turned around, facing her girlfriend. At least I hope she still is.

“Tara baby, can we talk?”

“I don’t know. Not sure there’s much to . . . left to talk about.” Tara fidgeted a bit, shifting from one foot to another.

“We had a disagreement, a little fight . . . over not so big a deal. Lots of people fight. We can work through it. Be like before.” Willow dropped the pretense of getting something to drink, facing Tara, pleading with her eyes.

“I don’t think we can. You don’t see what you’re doing is wrong. What you did was wrong.” Tara’s voice was soft but strong. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind what Willow had been doing was wrong. And if the only way to get her to see that was to break up with her, well, so be it.

“How do I know you aren’t doing more of this when I’m not around to say something?”

Neither blond missed the guilty flush that graced the red-head’s features.

“Oh my gods, Willow, what have you done?” Tara was horrified.

“Nothing.” Willow’s stance got even more defensive. “Just moved some things around. No biggie.”

“Willow. What you’re doing isn’t right.” Staring into her eyes, Tara let Willow see her hurt and disappointment. “I can’t trust you right now. What are you thinking?”

“I’m not hurting anyone. I’m just . . . I’m not hurting anyone.”

“You’ve hurt me and Dawnie.” Tara didn’t want to say anything about how Willow had hurt Buffy, that was for her to say, but it was there, on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to be said.

“Your actions, especially your magical actions always have consequences, Willow, sometimes really unexpected ones. You aren’t thinking clearly.”

The anger started bubbling in Willow’s belly, a purely defensive anger, because some part of her knew there was more than a bit of truth to Tara’s words.

“No. I wasn’t trying to hurt you or Dawn.”

“Maybe so. But you did anyway.” Tara was shaking her head. “I don’t trust you any more Willow. And its not a relationship when there’s no trust, at least on some level.”

Willow was pleading now, hoping to get through to Tara, hoping to make her change her mind. “How can you say that. I love you, I’d never mean to hurt you. I’m just doing what I think is best.”

Buffy’s voice broke in. “And that means calling Angel?”

“What? I didn’t call Angel.”

Raising an eyebrow, Buffy moved the short distance to the answering machine and hit the play button. For the second time that afternoon, Angel’s voice filled the kitchen.

And Willow had no defense.

Hanging her head, Willow fought tears. “Please baby, I . . . please. . . I was just . . . I thought he should know, that’s all.”

“No Willow. I just don’t understand.” Tara glanced once at Buffy, waiting for a moment to see if Buffy was going to speak.

“Just like you thought I should be rescued from hell?” Buffy couldn’t help the words spilling out of her mouth. “What if that’s not where I was? What if I was someplace else? Did you think of that?”

Willow was shaking now, finally becoming aware she might have made a huge mistake. “No . . . . no. Glory was from a hell dimension.”

“Yeah she was. But the key opens all dimensions, not just hell dimensions. It wasn’t hell you rescued me from.” Buffy had her arms folded across her chest, mostly to stop the shaking. She felt rather than heard Spike’s ascent on the stairs, drawing comfort from his nearing presence.

Willow looked from one girl to the other, the inescapable truth dawning in her eyes. She tried one last time, hoping one of them would relent.

“Tara, baby?” Then in a half breath, “Buffy?”

“Baby please . . . “

After long silent moments, Dawn’s voice came from behind Tara, “I think you need to go.”

Spike slid through the doorway, his arms reaching for the visibly trembling slayer. Dawn stepped forward, out from behind Tara, her face set, her stance equally resolute.

One last ditch effort.

“Baby?”

“No Willow. You need to go.”

tbc