Chapter 7

He just stared at her, open mouthed.  She was really there.  Honey gold hair screening her features as she bent to kiss her sister then swinging back like a curtain to reveal her face. She looked tired and drawn, yet she’d never been more beautiful to him.  “If my heart could beat it would break my chest,” he whispered, recalling another night, another time.  He drank her in, frozen in place as he gazed at her, even as tears blurred his sight. 

“Spike?”  The rich southern drawl of the skinny woman at his side jolted him back to reality.  He reluctantly dragged his eyes away from the centre of his universe and turned to look at the distraction.   

“Uh?”  The words in his mind wouldn’t force themselves past his lips.  His world had shrunk to that small room beyond the glass.  Everything else had vanished. 

“Erm, Spike?  Are you okay?”  The concern in the voice of this virtual stranger touched him.  He gave her a little smile, the shy poet behind the Big Bad showing through. 

His eyes were wet with tears as he shook his head slowly.  “Thank you,” he mouthed at her, his voice unable to break through the tight band of emotions clamping his chest.  She smiled back, “You’re very welcome.” 

It felt good to bring so much happiness by such a small act; it felt right.  And yet again Fred wondered at the motives of those who considered themselves friends of the Slayer in keeping these two beings apart.  Quietly, she backed away from the vampire, whose attention was once more focused on the tableau a few feet away.  This was a private moment; he deserved this time. 

Buffy continued to stroke her sister’s hair, talking softly about nothing in particular and making promises for their future.  “…so then we’ll go to Venice.  Oh, Dawnie, we can go in a gondola!  Do you remember at the boating lake that time when you took a dive overboard?  I thought Mom was gonna freak!  Then you just stood up, hands on hips, and demanded a towel!  Seven years old and calling the shots.  So cute, all baby features with grownup words.” 

Buffy stilled.  There it was again!  She sensed something; she knew she did.  Her head whipped round and she stared through the small window searching for…well, for Spike.  It was him she felt; the tingles he set off in her vamp senses were like none other.  And this was him!  She knew it.  Narrowing her eyes to search the dim exterior, she found nothing and with a frustrated humph she turned back to the bed. 

Spike watched from the shadows, puzzled by his instinctive jump back into the shelter of the wall as she turned towards him.  Why would he do that?  Wasn’t the one thing he wanted to do just seconds away from him?  Didn’t he ache to hold her in his arms and…bugger.  There it was.  The big problem.  No arms to hold her in, well, none that would do the job at the moment.  Useless!  Things were bad enough already for her, with the state Dawn was in.  And he could do nothing to help. 

“Fucking hell!” he ground out between clenched teeth.  So near to her, yet not able to touch her…bloody torment.  Thinking it through, he wondered if that was exactly what it was.  Maybe he was in hell, maybe this was his punishment for the maiming and slaughter he’d indulged in with such a passion over the years.  Perhaps his doom was to watch her through a window as she got on with her life. 

“Not bloody likely…” he breathed.  Maybe that brainy bird could help him out?  She seemed like a good sort, all up for helping him.  Yeah, he’d ask her, things would work out.  After all, he saved the soddin’ world – surely he deserved to be cut a bit of slack?   

Making his mind up to ask her, he moved forwards again to drink in the sight of his girls, reluctant to tear himself away.  He could hear Buffy’s soft voice as she talked to Dawn about this and that, no doubt doing that whole deal the doctors always got folk to do when someone was unconscious.  He was drowning in the sound of her voice, the timbre, the pace.  He began to breathe in when she did, unable to be close to her physically but wanting to match her body’s movements anyway.  His dead lungs inflated uselessly as he continued to watch her through the glass. 

Buffy stilled again, alert, her vamp senses tingling.  This was ridiculous!  There must be something at Wolfram and Hart that was messing with her vampdar.  She’d mention it to Giles when she saw him; see if he could get them to damp it down or something because it was making her crazy.  She already missed Spike so much without false readings knocking her sideways every five minutes. 

Spike.  That pain inside her would never go away; she wasn’t going to let it.  She couldn’t do the whole ‘he’d want you to go on’ thing.  He probably would at that.  He’d loved her beyond all limits and her happiness would be the most important thing to him.  But letting go of her memories wasn’t an option.  She didn’t want to replace him, and even if she did one day, how could she?  How could anyone ever live up to the devotion and sacrifices he’d made for her, for Dawn, the whole damn world in fact?  No.  She realised she would be in love with him for the rest of her life.  If only she’d told him how loved he was, while they’d still had the chance to make something of it.  That love would feed the memories; keep him fresh in her mind, every day, until she breathed her last. 

Buffy settled back in her seat and picked up a book, reading to her sister in a soft, warm voice; Spike looked on, entranced.  Fred hated to intrude but she really needed to get back to the group, see what was happening.  Maybe Spike wanted to stay here; she just wanted to let him know that she was leaving. 

“Hey,” she whispered “I’m heading on back now.  You all right here?” 

“Yeah, yeah…that’s fine…I’ll just be…” His eyes never left the picture in front of him as his voice tailed off.   

Fred started walking away, smiling at the warm feeling inside her.  Angel would likely be upset with her showing Spike where Buffy was, but somehow she didn’t care.  It had to be done. 

“Hey! Hold up, Tex!” 

Fred stopped as Spike caught up with her, black duster flaring behind him.  “You okay?” she queried. 

“Yeah, soddin’ wonderful pet!  I wanna thank you for that; if you knew how much it means to me…” 

Fred smiled, her entire face creasing up so that her eyes were tiny behind the lids.  “You’re so very welcome, Spike.” 

“An’ I hate to ask you for extra favours but do you think you might be able to help me some more?” 

“I’ll sure try; what do you need?” 

“Well, it’s a miracle seeing her again, listening to her…but it’s not enough …I have to get hold of her and kiss her and…well, you get the picture.  I can’t do much like this...” 

Fred gasped as Spike graphically demonstrated the problem by walking through her. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out.” 

“No, no – it’s fine, just a little unexpected, you know?  So, you want me to make you un-ghosty?” 

“Erm, yeah – I suppose you could put it like that.  I don’t know why I’m back; don’t know what I am even.  Am I a ghost?”  

Spike tilted his head, his eyes deep pools of blue boring into hers with barely restrained anguish. 

Fred smiled sympathetically.  “I don’t know, Spike.  I guess.  But, yeah, I’ll help you.  I mean I’ve got all these amazing things in my lab and all…” 

Spike moved forwards as if to hug her.  Fred stepped back. 

“Sorry, forgot myself there again.  Bugger!” 

“S’okay, Spike.  I just…well, it kinda tingles when you do the walk through thing.  It’s ...creepy.  Sorry!” 

“No worries.  It creeps me out too, to be honest.  So…to the lab, Dr Frankenstein?” 

“Huh?  Oh – I get it.  Yeah, okay, might as well start now.  Now what do you remember after the amulet started glowing?” 

“Pain, searing pain, bright light, and Buffy…telling me she loved me.  Me telling her she didn’t.  God, I am such an idiot!  Wouldn’t be surprised if the bint’s dead set against me now.” 

“Don’t worry; I’ll fill you in as we walk…I think you’re gonna like this part…” 

Fred led the way down the corridor and towards her lab, talking softly to the animated vampire spook at her side as she outlined the happenings of the last couple of days.   

***************************** 

Angel watched the closed circuit TV footage on the huge screens dominating the far wall of his office.  He was furious when he’d picked up Fred leading Spike to the hospital wing; that girl was too soft, too trusting for her own good.  He’d soon put her straight.  Spike needed to be kept away from Buffy and Dawn.  Who knew what he was, why he was back.  He was probably sent by some evil bigwig to finish off the slayer now that the First Evil’s plan had failed.  Why didn’t anybody else see that?  At least it didn’t seem they’d made any contact with Buffy on their impromptu hospital visit; there would have been a huge make up scene if they had.  The thought made him sick. 

Less and less it seemed that his orders were being followed.  He was the boss, Mr Angel, CEO of Wolfram and Hart.  The minions in the office knew and respected that, so why didn’t Gunn and Lorne and goddamn Fred!  It was the Scoobies.  It must be.  They all used to do what he said when they were just Angel Investigations.  And now he had a huge barrage of resources at his fingertips, so why didn’t they just let him make the decisions and do as they were told. 

So what to do about Spike.  Okay, he’d admitted to Buffy that he was sorry at his passing, had told Lorne that he felt like he’d lost family.  But that was when he was gone; when he knew that Spike was dust.  When he’d realised that the bleached blonde wouldn’t be around to bug him anymore, yes it had hurt.  He’d gotten used to sparring with him.  It was like an itch that you have every day but then one day it’s gone.  It bugs the hell out of you all the time you have it, but when it’s no longer there it feels strange.  So that’s what Spike was to him.  An itch.  A pain in the butt.  Something he could do without.  And you don’t want an itch to come back.  Once it’s gone, you get used to the lack of it and as days pass you feel relief that you don’t have that infuriating crawling under your skin. 

Not to mention that Buffy had lost control of her senses temporarily and was still carrying a torch for her dead champion, when here he was offering her protection and love.  He could do anything he wanted now with all the weight of Wolfram and Hart behind him.  He’d make her see that she didn’t need Spike.  It was vitally important that she didn’t find out he was back or else she’d just go with her emotions and ignore common sense.  Even Giles couldn’t argue with that.  None of her friends seemed to want her to be with Spike; it would be easy to convince them he was up to no good.  Gunn and Lorne wouldn’t be bothered either way.  That just left Fred, a sucker for a hard-luck story and patron saint of victims everywhere.  Well, she could be handled too.  Wes would love that assignment; he’d seen the way the former watcher looked at her.   

This job was made for him.  He had so many years on the others, could see from a distance objectively what their short life spans clouded with emotion.  If they couldn’t make hard choices, he’d have to make them for them.  Just like he’d had to do for Buffy when she was going to leave with Dawn… 

Deciding to speak to Giles first, he clicked off the surveillance monitors and sheathed them behind the gilt screen that slid down over the top of them.  Pressing the intercom to speak to Harmony he barked out his orders. 

“But, boss – I don’t think he’s in the building.  You want me to leave him a message for him to get in touch when he’s back?” 

“No, Harmony, I want you to bring him to me now.  I’m the boss here – I don’t have time to wait about.  Whatever he’s doing it can’t be as important as my business.  Find him, fetch him.  You got that?  Or shall I draw a diagram?” 

“I got it!  Sheesh…you were nicer when you were a homicidal maniac…” 

“Just do it!”  He clicked off the intercom. 

He picked up the telephone and dialled security. 

“This is Angel.  I want you to put a tail on some people, 24-hour surveillance – where they go, who they talk to, what they say. I want the works – video, audio, occult.  You report directly to me, nobody else, understand?  Good.  Now, the names…” 

The movements of the Scoobies and his own staff would be known to him at all times now.  It made him one up on them, no matter what they did; he’d be a step ahead. 

It was good to be the boss. 

***************************

Giles was in the same small café round the corner from the W&H Building where Dawn had fallen ill.  He sipped his coffee, grimacing with distaste as he listened to Willow voicing her concerns.   

“He just seems really… I dunno…Angelus-like, but without the whole soul-losing.  It’s very disturbing!” 

“Well, I admit he’s a little aggressive, Willow, but I suppose he’s worried about Buffy and he has just taken over his enemies’ law firm.  Quite a change to get used to.” 

“But that’s just it, Giles.  He doesn’t seem fazed by any of that; in fact I’d say he’s loving it. Just a little too comfortable with the giving orders, don’t ya think?” 

“I can see how you might think that.  But don’t forget since we last saw Angel in Sunnydale he’s been running his own investigation firm, and from what Wesley was saying he had to make some difficult decisions during that time.  I suppose he’s just different.  Being relied upon by everyone all the time to make choices for them, well, sometimes it’s…well it can be rather wearing.” 

Willow rolled her eyes.  “Look, I know you had a lot to put up with, but can we forget the poor-Giles gig for a moment?  I’m sorry that we weren’t better at school, and in the Magic Box, and research, and real life and I’m sorry for nearly killing you all.  Really.  But that’s not the point now.  I’m worried about this, Giles.  I have a bad feeling.” 

“I understand, Willow, I do.  I’ll see what I can find out, speak to that Lorne fellow.  He seems a decent sort and Wesley tells me he’s quite insightful.  If there’s anything wrong with Angel, I’m sure he’d be able to sense it.  Don’t worry.” 

Giles smiled at Willow, patting her hand reassuringly.  She smiled back at him, tentatively, far from convinced that they had nothing to worry about.  Angelus was bad enough - but bad-Angel?  That just didn’t bear thinking about; but somehow she couldn’t stop doing just that. 

“Giles!  Come quickly!” 

Both Giles and Willow jumped, startled by the outburst from Harmony as she ran over to their table in a flurry of baby-pink chiffon.   

“What?  Is it Dawn, what’s the matter, Harmony?”  Giles was on his feet, his coffee cup on its side spilling its contents across the tabletop.   

“Oh, no.  It’s just that Angel sent me to get you immediately.  Come on, quickly!” 

“Oh! Well.  I’ll come as soon as I’m finished talking.  Go and tell him I’ll be back presently.” 

“He was very insistent that you came immediately.  He said that whatever business you have can’t be as important as his.  He wasn’t very nice to me.” 

Willow flashed a look at Giles that he recognised as a patented Buffy Summers ‘I told you so’ look. 

Sliding back into his seat and attempting to mop up the mess, Giles turned to the vampire. 

“Ahem… Harmony.  Have you noticed anything strange about Angel lately?  Is he acting oddly?” 

“No more than usual, but then I haven’t been working for him long.   I mean, last time I worked for Angel Investigations I handed him, Wesley and Cordy over to this bunch of freak vampires who were working on a pyramid scheme – ‘you eat one, you turn two?’ pfft!  I tell you, those things should be banned.  And the robe did my complexion no favours.  So he was kind of pissed when he found out I was his PA and he’s been ragging on me ever since.  I just commune with my inner chakra and drown him out mostly.  That and I have an MP3 player…” 

“Intriguing.  Well, thank you, Harmony.” 

When the ditzy blonde just stood there, wringing her hands together and jiggling nervously from foot to foot, Giles sighed heavily and got to his feet.   

“Alright, Harmony, you win.  I’ll come now.  Willow, maybe you could try talking to Wesley about our earlier thoughts.  It wouldn’t hurt to look into it.” 

“I will.  And, Giles, be careful.” 

“Oh Willow, I’m not going to bite him!  I’m on a strict diet you know…and aging watcher isn’t in my calorie count.” 

Willow shook her head in disbelief as Harmony sauntered off babbling away at the bemused man following her. 

****************************** 

“Okay, now let me know if this has any effect on you at all.” 

Fred turned a dial on the hand held gadget aimed at Spike’s face. 

“OW! Bloody hell!” 

He clapped his hands to his ears and bent away from her, in obvious distress. 

“Sorry!  Sorry!”  Fred turned off the machine and a relieved vampire stood up straight, eyes dark, head tilted at a menacing angle.   

“Guess that proves your hearing is still supernormal.” 

“And that helps how?” 

“Hey!  I’m a scientist, I have to check everything.  Hmm, now how about your reflexes?” 

“Don’t think a little hammer on the knee’s gonna cut it, pet.  No knee to hammer, remember?” 

“Shoot!  I forgot… okay, let’s try some scans and stuff.  Hold still.” 

Spike stood in the middle of the brightly lit lab that Fred called home.  He looked around curiously as she carried out her scans, trying to puzzle out the uses that the various bits and bobs around him could be put to.  There were some tubular jobs he was going to steer well clear of.  Looked like torture implements and that was only fun if you were giving it out, not on the receiving end.  Well, maybe once upon a time... 

“That’s odd.”  Fred was looking at a readout, puzzlement clouding her features. 

“What is?” 

“Well, I scanned you for...let’s say corporeality, and according to this you’re as solid as I am.  But you can’t be, because for a start I can’t walk through stuff…” 

“What does that mean?” 

“I don’t know.  It’s just plain weird.  Don’t worry.”  Fred noted Spike’s drooped head and slumped shoulders.  “It may take a little while, but I’ll figure it out.  It’s what I do.” 

“Of course you will, Tex.  It’s just…she’s so close…you know?  And I just want to touch her…” 

“I’ll fix it, I promise.  I’m a diehard romantic girl, and true love always triumphs – even if I have to bend all the laws of nature and physics to do it!” 

Spike chuckled despite himself.  He believed her; she may be tiny but she was a gutsy one.  Faced with Fred, he bet even Mother Nature herself would simply hole up in a tree and hibernate until she went away.   

The sound of the intercom interrupted Fred’s musings; Spike was wandering around the lab trying fruitlessly to pick things up. 

“This is Winifred Burkle.” 

“Fred, it’s Angel.  I need to see you; can you come up to my office?  And leave the bleached wonder behind; he’s not invited.” 

“I heard that, you poof!  Don’t need an invite and how do you think you’re gonna stop me?  You gonna call Ghostbusters?  Pillock!” 

“I’ll be right up.” 

Fred closed the connection and turned round to face an enraged Spike. 

“He doesn’t mean it, you know.  He was all cut up when he found out you were gone.” 

“Yeah, right.  And I’m seeing little piggies flying all circling overhead.  He loathes me and the feeling’s mutual, been that way since Dru turned me.  He was such a prancing idiot back in the day; he was an evil sadistic wanker then and he’s still the same now.  He just can’t stand to see me have anything of my own; he took Dru and now he wants to take Buffy and Dawn.  Well he’s fucking well not doing it!  He had his chance and he messed it up.  She’s mine…you said it, you heard her!  I’m not letting him get his filthy vindictive hands on her, you hear me!” 

Despite the fact that she knew he couldn’t hurt her, Fred had backed off from the growling vampire, who suddenly was wearing his demon face.  Spike stopped his tirade, noticing that Fred was all big-eyed and giving off the scent of fear.  He relaxed his hands down to his sides and melted back to his human features. 

“Sorry, pet.  I just get all crazy around him.  He pisses me off!” 

“I know.  It’s all a little bit tense right now, what with Buffy and Dawn and the whole end of the world thing.  Things will settle down, we’ll get you back to living colour and then everything will be fine, you’ll see.” 

“Wish I could believe you.  But I’m used to being royally screwed over by the Powers That Be so I won’t book me a room over the rainbow just yet.  You coming?  Might as well see if I can get him good and broody, maybe make him do that thing where he stalks off.  Always liked that bit.” 

Fred grinned.  It was no good asking Spike to stay away, she may as well headbutt a wall for all the good it would do.  And the company would be nice. 

They headed up to Angel’s office, Spike whistling in anticipation of the fun to be had baiting his grandsire. 

*************************** 

Buffy had dozed off in the chair as she read aloud to Dawn.  When the book fell from her lap, she woke with a start.  It took a moment for her to remember where she was.  Reassuring herself that everything that should be beeping was beeping, she rose from the chair and stretched out the kinks in her neck and back.  She moved across to her sister and smoothed down her hair.  She looked so young, so calm as she slept, as if she’d never had a trouble.  Buffy hoped she was dreaming of happy things, of mom and the fun they’d had, the vacations, Christmases, the love they’d shared…or at least, the memories of those things because in reality Dawn hadn’t been there for most of them.  The monks had implanted the memories, moving them around subtly until Buffy and everyone else accepted Dawn as if she’d always been there.  And now she couldn’t imagine a life without her. 

The monks.  Maybe that was what had happened…after the Hellmouth collapsed maybe the mystical forces that had given Dawn life had been interrupted somehow.  Her mind started to race.  Maybe this was all her fault!  In saving the world, she’d finally condemned her sister to death.  “Oh God no, Dawnie…I didn’t know...” 

The tears leaked from her eyes as she tried to master the panic that threatened to overtake her.  She couldn’t have done this, not to her sister…..not after everything.  She needed to speak to Giles, to Willow.  Rushing to the door, she shouted down the corridor “Hello?  Is there anyone there?  Hello?” 

Eventually, a nurse came into view, unhurriedly walking towards her on soft-shoed feet.   

“Miss Summers?  Can I help you?” 

“Yes.  I need to speak to my friends, Mr Giles and Miss Rosenberg.  Could you ask them to join me?  I don’t want to leave Dawn.” 

“She’ll be perfectly safe, Miss Summers.  You do really need to go get some rest, you know.” 

“NO!  I am NOT leaving her.  Now please, just ask them to come down here.” 

“As you wish.  I’ll try to locate them for you.” 

The nurse wasn’t impressed with her outburst, Buffy could tell by the glare she shot her way when she thought Buffy wasn’t looking.  She didn’t care.  The only way she was being separated from Dawn was by force.  And even then, she wouldn’t care to bet on it. 

Rushing back to Dawn’s side, she took her hand in hers, pressing kisses to it and coating it with her tears.  Within minutes the nurse was back. 

“Mr Giles is presently in conference with Mr. Angel, but Miss Rosenberg is on her way down.  Is there anything else I can get you, some coffee, some food?” 

“No.  Thank you.  I’m sorry I’m so snappy…I’m just worried.” 

“Perfectly understandable.  But you really should get some rest.  You won’t be any use to her if you end up in your own bed.” 

The nurse left on that note.  Buffy knew she was right but she just couldn’t bring herself to leave her sister in this strange place run by god knew what sort of people, if they even were people.  No, she was going to protect her, no matter what it took. 

Willow walked into the hospital room to find Buffy hugging Dawn and whispering to her softly.   She couldn’t catch the words, save for an “I promise”. 

“Hey, Buffy.  You wanted me, is there anything wrong?  You need me to sit with her a while?” 

Willow was alarmed to see Buffy’s tear-streaked face as she turned to her. 

“Buffy!  What’s the matter, is it the doctors…what have they said?” 

“No, not the doctors.  It’s me, Willow; I…I think maybe I did this to Dawn.” 

“You did what?  How could you have done anything?  Wouldn’t I have noticed?  Why do you think that?” 

“I don’t know, not really.  But what if it is me, what if I’ve made her like this by closing the Hellmouth?  Back then I could have sacrificed the one for the many, Willow, to save the world, but now…not now; not now the battle’s over!  I mean… I already did that…I’ve lost the one… I let Spike…god…Spike!”  Buffy was inconsolable.  “She’s all I have left now, Will.  It’s just… I’m scared it’s the Hellmouth.  It’s a kind of portal, isn’t it?  Maybe Dawn’s origins are all tied up with it and with it gone maybe she’s just not gonna be here…..” 

Buffy choked on the last words, collapsing against her friend as she vainly tried to calm her.  Willow continued to hold her and rock her until she’d stopped sobbing.   

  “Shhh, Buffy, please don’t do this to yourself.  You don’t know that it’s anything to do with our Hellmouth or any other Hellmouth.  It could be anything, couldn’t it?  Now come on, we don’t give up like that do we?  You’re exhausted; not slept in an age.  This is probably post-apocalypse mental meltdown.  You have to get some rest or you’re gonna crack up, and then where will we be?  We need to start some research.  I’ll get Giles and we’ll work something out, I promise.  ” 

Buffy was standing by the bed staring at Dawn, her shoulders slumped and her lip quivering with the effort not to cry again.  Willow touched her arm so that she turned to face her. 

“We will work this out, Buffy.  I know it’s hard, but hang in there.  Okay?” 

Buffy nodded, her eyes turning back to her sister.  Willow gave Buffy a reassuring hug then went off to find Giles.  Buffy’s voice followed her as she left. 

“I wish Spike was here,” she whispered.