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The Path Less Traveled by DizzyB
Section IV - Dress Rehearsal
I'd like to take a moment to apologize for the lengthy delay between postings. I lost my muse for many months while I was struggling with some key points in this section. I'd also like to thank the fans who faithly inquired about updates. I hope this section - which is much longer than normal - lives up to all your expectations. Now that I've finally posted this section, look for future updates on all my WIPs that have been on the backburner for the past two months. Enjoy!
The Path Less Traveled
(Section IV)
by DizzyB
Dress Rehearsal
Sunnydale Mall
Sunnydale, CA
Buffy POV:
Shopping is totally my sport! If it were an actual sport, I could totally go pro. Better yet, I could compete in the Shopping Olympics… Ooh, how cool would that be? I can so see it…some super-fine store, like Harrod’s or maybe someplace on Rodeo Drive, or, ooh better yet, some chic fashion boutique in Paris. Yeah, that’s it. Me and a few other select competitors with a limited budget and a ticking clock trying to find the best outfit at the best price in the shortest amount of time. That gold medal would so be mine. Although…I actually prefer silver to gold, goes better with my coloring, but I guess that wouldn’t work, huh? Anyway, shopping is definitely the sport of choice regardless. Before becoming the Slayer, other than cheerleading, I wasn’t exactly what you would call an athletic person. And the cheerleading was really all about being popular and looking good in front of guys, not about being active at all. I avoided housework like the plague (my mom referred to my room as ‘the devastation and wreckage from Hurricane Buffy’) and riding a bike wasn’t cool once you hit junior high, so shopping was really the only time I ever actually did anything energetic back then. Once I became the Slayer, I was introduced to this whole new world of martial arts and fighting, and really surprised myself with how easily I took to all that. And I guess most of the ability came from being the Slayer, but I discovered that I thoroughly enjoyed being so active. Patrolling and slaying are physically demanding and can be really taxing at times, but I thrive on the challenge. And I enjoy being toned and muscular, which I so wasn’t B.S. (before slaying)… But even now, shopping is the one activity that really gets my blood pumping, so to speak.
Shopping is so much more than going to the store, making a purchase and maybe hitting a sale. Any dope can do that. True shopping is like going on a hunt. You’ve got to know the target – which stores carry what brands. You’ve got to know the conditions – what’s in season and what’s on sale. You’ve got to work within your own physical limitations – if you can’t afford everything (I can’t…who can?), then you have to know what’s a bargain and what isn’t so you can jump on one when you find it. But true shopping goes even beyond those surface things. At times it can be an emotional experience that transcends anything else. Finding the perfect dress or pair of shoes – particularly when you’re not looking for them – can be such a high. Or even better is when you find an outfit and can picture yourself wearing it in ideal conditions, such as a romantic date with a boyfriend who adores you or looking really hot at a party with lots of drool-worthy guys. Sometimes you find that one piece of clothing that’s incomplete – a great shirt or skirt that doesn’t go with anything else in your closet, but you get it anyway because it’s just right for you. And then, later on, when you find the complementary piece to go with it…well, there’s your medal.
Today I am at the mall to buy a couple of new outfits because I desperately need the confidence booster. Faith told me that she and the others are coming to Sunnydale for a while. That means I’ll be seeing Spike and Dawn. As I haven’t seen them since my disastrous non-attempt at communication in L.A. a few weeks ago…I’m understandably nervous about this. I so badly want to try to make things better with both of them, and there’s so much to overcome that I still have no clue where to start. Thinking about even seeing them makes me nervous. Thinking about actually talking to either one of them makes me want to puke. Anya’s been encouraging me to practice talking out loud to them. I can usually make it to either name before the intense urge to run to the bathroom and vomit takes over. And that’s without the benefit of alcohol. When I’ve been drinking and have attempted this, the urge to vomit usually wins out. Hence the sober practice lately. Once you clean up your own mess a time or two…well, it’s a pretty strong deterrent to repeating that particular behavior. So, I had started practicing in front of the mirror and I happened to notice that I’ve been looking frumpy lately. I haven’t been going out much, although I’m making some attempts – with Anya’s help – to be more sociable. Anyway, I finally saw that my hair really needed new highlights, my nails desperately needed a manicure, and I could use a new outfit or two while I’m at it. All things designed to help me feel better about myself so that I can actually have some confidence to try to be a better me and make amends. So, I’m here at the mall today and I’ve already gotten my nails and hair done. The hair looks really good, too, if I do say so myself. I’m going to have to remember that girl’s name because she did a great job on both the cut and the color. And the importance of finding a good hairdresser is a whole other rant that I’m not getting into today! Back to me…I was so pleased by how good I look that I even treated myself to a massage at the spa. Now I’m totally relaxed and having a blast shopping the day away. So far I’ve found a great pair of jeans, a really cute pair of sandals, two sexy tops for going out, a new lightweight jacket for the cooler weather coming up, and some pretty new underwear. After all, it’s very important to feel attractive on every level. After Victoria’s Secret, I decide to hit Petite Sophisticate. I’ve decided to buy some more elegant clothes today to go with my new grown-up approach. Not that I’ve actually been a successful grown-up yet…
Wait! Not true, Buffy. Stop the negative self-talk!! Anya’s been lecturing me lately on the importance of self-talk and how by telling yourself positive stuff you can actualize these things into reality. Well, now’s as good a time as any to practice that. Hmm, let’s see. I initiated a friendship with Anya because I was willing to really get to know her. I sold my childhood home and moved into my very first apartment. I have a job that I actually rather enjoy and I’m looking at going back to school again. I’m managing my time successfully so that I can slay and still have a life. I’ve started the painful process of examining my past mistakes and trying to learn from them. I’m attempting to work up the courage to make amends with the two people I’ve hurt the most. And I’ve even taken the time to see my friends and Angel in a different light and realize that I can’t live my life to make them happy. I’ve got to live for me, and if they’re really my friends, then they’ll support me in that. Wow. Those are all very mature steps on my part. How ‘bout that? I am growing up. Who knew? Yay, me! With a new spring in my step, I continue on my way.
I’m pleasantly surprised by how pretty the clothes are in this store. I was half-convinced that they’d be stuffy and uncomfortable, but I can feel adult and still be beautiful in most of this stuff. After picking out two dresses that I love, a few tops and a skirt, I make my way back to the dressing rooms. I’ve saved the dresses for last because they’re my favorites, but so far, I’m sold. Most of this stuff fits me great and is really flattering. Not that it’s stuff I could patrol in or anything, but I’m going to be going on job interviews and stuff like that one of these days, and I could so pull that off in these clothes. I slide the blue strapless dress on and am totally blown away by how good it looks on me. Not to be immodest or anything! I rarely wear blue anymore, and I’m suddenly wondering why it’s not been in my closet lately. Because blue is such a great color for me. With my tan and the new highlights, I feel absolutely gorgeous. The dress is tea-length and I’m struck by the desire to see it from all angles. I’m pretty sure there was a spot just inside the dressing area where you could view yourself in three mirrors at once. Leaving everything else where it is, I open the door and sashay my way down the hall. I’m about to round the corner when I hear a voice that stops me in my tracks. I tiptoe a few steps closer and peer around the edge. And sure enough, there’s Spike sitting on a chair just outside the dressing room entrance hollering to Faith to get her ‘sweet arse into gear and come show us the goods.’
I can’t move. I’m frozen in place by the sight of him. And then a door opens on the other side of the waiting area and out steps Faith looking drop-dead gorgeous. She’s wearing a black sleeveless evening gown. And although my dress is really pretty and I still know that I look good, Faith puts me to shame at the moment. She looks elegant and sophisticated and I suddenly feel like a little girl playing dress-up. Faith has reached the spot I was originally aiming for and is admiring the view with a critical eye. I don’t know what she thinks there is to disapprove of though. She’s stunning and no one could possibly say otherwise. Spike obviously agrees with me judging by the low wolf whistle and appreciative looks. Faith blushes, but smiles happily when he starts going on about how beautiful she is. And then the picture is completed when Dawn walks into the dressing room carrying a couple of dresses and saying something about finding some outfits she thinks Faith should try on. When she looks up and catches sight of Faith, her smile is luminous as she adds her words of praise. And it breaks my heart – not because they’re both admiring Faith. Oh, no, I totally agree with them! Faith grew up to become a breathtakingly beautiful woman and I don’t even begin to compete with her anymore. It’s not that at all. It’s just that they are so happy for her and proud of her and it shows. And I know that they both wanted to share that with me once, but I blew it. And I’m looking at what could have been mine – can’t say should when I screwed up, can I? – and for the first time ever, I’m left holding the bag (shopping, that is) and feeling like a loser rather than a winner. Some times life just sucks like that.
Sunnydale Mall
Sunnydale, CA
Faith POV:
You know those fairy tales that you hear growing up? Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and the like? Well, those are complete and total bullshit. Seriously, I’ve known that since I was a little kid. Even at the tender age of five, all I had to do was look around me and I knew that life was no fairy tale. No matter how you slice it, life is all about the Haves and the Have-Nots. And I know that a lot of people think I mean money, but it’s more than that. I can still remember being jealous of the other kids who had a dad at home. To me, that represented a certain measure of security and I would have given a lot to have that. But I never did, and although a lot of those fairy tale chicks were also screwed over in this department, their lives changed for the better. Mine never did, and that was how I knew that fairy tales were full of lies. And I couldn’t afford to believe the lies if I wanted to hold on to my sanity. Instead I developed a thick protective skin and hid the pain I felt most days. Life went on in a blur of misery until I became a Slayer. That was when things changed for me. At first, I thought that a fairy tale-like gift had been given to me. I was suddenly a Have because I had power and ability that no one else had. I felt special for the first time in a really long time. When I came to Sunnydale and met B, my gift was a bit tainted in my eyes. Not because there were two Slayers – I was cool with that. It was because she had everything that I had never had and always wanted AND she was the Slayer. That rubbed me the wrong way, because Slaying was really ALL I had. What’s funny is that if given the choice, I would have traded the Slaying gig in a heartbeat to have the family and friends that Buffy had. She was the Have and I was the Have-Not.
Today that’s all changed. I’m the Have and Buffy is the Have-Not…where family and friends are concerned anyway. And I didn’t take that away from her. She lost them on her own. But where once I would have gloated over that, I am no longer the jealous girl that envied her Slayer sister. I know what it’s like to be the Have-Not and desperately want till it hurts. Which is why I feel so much for her situation right now. This isn’t like last time at all. I want to try to help Buffy heal her relationships with Spike and Dawn. And where before I would have felt threatened by the thought of sharing people important to me with her… Now I am secure in my own relationships and can honestly want to see things change for the better. Talk about a 180° for me! As I smile from Spike’s and Dawn’s compliments, I do a complete 360° before the mirrors and I catch sight of Buffy watching us. The expression on her face says it all, and I can’t help but feel her pain. It’s not fun being on the outside looking in, which is why I call out in greeting to her. There’s a look of panic in her eyes, but I don’t allow her to run away. Instead I’m walking over and pulling her out to stand in front of the mirror with me, hoping that Spike and Dawn will play nice today. B seems very fragile emotionally where those two are concerned, and I totally get why, but the healing has to start somewhere. My Slayer sister is a bit like a scared animal at the moment. Her eyes are darting every way and I just know that she’s looking for a way out of this, but I don’t let her escape. I make her spin in front of the mirror, even though she’s blushing so heavily it looks like she has fever, and I want to make that better for her. So I start with the compliments and they come rolling easily off my tongue because she looks awesome. That dress was just made for her!
Apparently that was exactly what she needed to hear, because she looks up at me with a smile and I can see how much she appreciates that sentiment. And then Spike is stepping up next to us and graces B with a very flattering once-over, before informing her that although she’s always been beautiful to him…she looks especially amazing today. I think for a moment that she might cry, particularly when Spike calls her ‘luv’ but she holds it together although her smile is still a bit tremulous. Then she dares a glance at Dawn who has had a slew of emotions cross her face in the past few minutes, but I’m really proud of Dawn in this moment. She agrees with our assessment and tells Buffy that she looks beautiful and should wear blue more often. I know for a fact that Dawn is still mad at Buffy (although I suspect that her anger is mostly a defense mechanism at this point) so this is admirable for her. I make a special point to smile approvingly and flash her a thumbs-up behind Buffy’s back. But I don’t want things to get awkward, which they easily could, and this is very much not the place for a heavy heart-to-heart. So, I mostly carry the conversation for the next few minutes – talking about the house we’ve rented, asking her what she’s up to, and so on. When it looks like things are going to drag, I suggest that Spike and Dawn go finish their shopping and decide on dinner while I look at B’s other finds and finish up myself. I can honestly say that I have never seen her look at me so gratefully before today. After the others leave and we’re alone, B seems to be on the verge of collapse emotionally. Wow, she’s more fragile than I thought! I grab my stuff and we head back to her dressing room where she slides down the wall as soon as I shut the door. And although I’m doing much better with being sensitive to feelings and such these days, I’m still very alarmed by the tears flowing down her cheeks before she hits the floor! What do I do now?
Whew! Turns out they were tears of relief and gratitude as I learn a few minutes later. Buffy has apparently been totally dreading seeing Spike and Dawn again and was thankful for my presence just now. Never thought I’d be the calming influence in any situation, and that makes me smirk! Which of course Buffy notices, so I have to explain it to her. She looks surprised for about two seconds and then she starts giggling and soon we’re both rolling hysterically. Didn’t know that laughter could be so cathartic. Is that the right word? I’m trying to work on my vocabulary these days…for Wesley. Not because he’s said or done anything to make me feel stupid! On the contrary, he makes me feel like my thoughts and views are the most interesting ones he’s ever heard. It’s just that he’s so smart that it makes me want to better myself. And he makes me believe that I can learn or do anything…even got me to seriously think about my education and I decided to finish high school. Since Dawn emancipated herself, she doesn’t have a diploma either. Once she heard what I was thinking, she decided to do it with me, so we’re both studying these days. It’s nice to have someone to study with, particularly when you’ve never had very good study habits in the past. I started with my vocabulary, and I’m taking practice GED tests right now. I’m even considering taking a couple of college courses once I get that GED out of the way. And I never would have seen myself doing all this, but I am and I feel good about it. And I didn’t realize I was talking out loud until just now, but it turns out that Buffy is all for it. Turns out she’s been doing stuff for herself these days too. We end up sitting in that little cramped dressing room for like half an hour or so just catching up on the good things we’re doing for ourselves. And it’s funny how excited we honestly are for each other. Sounds silly, but it’s true. And I can tell she feels the same way. I guess the one downside of being the Slayer is that the answer is usually physical, but B and I are trying to change that, and it feels good!
We finally leave the store after paying for our purchases and head over to the Espresso Pump for a coffee. Spike and Dawn are still shopping and will probably be a while as they’re at the Music Wherehouse. Those two could get lost in that place and when they start talking about the Ramones and the Sex Pistols, I’m as lost as B is there. So, she and I decide to get a latte and Anya pops in (literally) to join us. After I clean up my spilled latte – which Anya kindly replaced to apologize for startling me with that teleportation bit – the three of us sit and chat for a bit, and it’s really nice. I’ve never had girlfriends before…at any age. I was always a misfit when it came to that. Always told myself it was no big deal, but it hurt, and I never knew how nice it could be until now. So, by the time we are ready to part ways for the evening, my mind is made up. I’m going to have to start working on Spike and Dawn both to be open to some kind of reconciliation with Buffy, because I’d like to do this more often and I don’t want it to be always awkward when those guys are in the same room together. As I say goodbye, B surprises me with an impulsive hug and a heartfelt Thanks before she and Anya leave. And I surprise myself by being very okay with this very public display of affection. Heading back to the rental house to meet the others for dinner, I have a song in my heart and a smile on my face. For the first time in a long time, I feel really good about things. I know that there’s still a lot to deal with and figure out, and some of it is probably very serious, but at the moment I am totally light-hearted and positive about the future.
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Dawn POV:
You know how on TV and movies, whenever someone brings up déjà vu, it’s in relation to remembering a lost love or realizing the significance of the clue that cracks the case? Or something as equally hokey, but it’s almost always a good thing? Unless you’re watching a soap, of course, in which case you’re remembering things from before you had amnesia or were brainwashed. Then it’s kind of on the creepy side. WELL, no one ever mentions that déjà vu can be a very unsettling experience. Particularly when you’re recalling fake memories implanted by a bunch of well meaning but poorly guided monks. Take a couple of days ago, for example. There we are at the mall, having fun…laughing…joking around…all in all – a darn good day. We head into a shop to get a dress for Faith for her upcoming big ‘First Date’ with Wesley (more on that in a minute!) and it sparks a memory. But it’s not until I’m running back into the dressing room with more outfits for Faith – stupid 6-item limit anyway – that I know what that is. As I walk in and see Faith twirling slowly in front of the three-way mirror, it hits me, and I’m struck with an oddly overwhelming melancholy. In my memories, Buffy and I did this exact same thing and we were laughing and having fun and I was teasing her about her date for the Hemery High dance that was cute as could be but kind of stupid in an oafish athletic way. The reality is that the only time Buffy and I went to the mall together was when Mom forced her to take me school shopping a couple of times and when I had to return some shoplifted stuff a while back. A far cry from the material of my memories, to be sure.
Anyway, all that’s just passed through my mind when Faith spots Buffy for real and brings her out to join us. I’m not sure who was the most ill at ease with that whole scene. Only Faith seemed to be comfortable in any sense of the word. But I was a big girl and managed to be pleasant to my sister, whom I haven’t seen since her trip to L.A. and whom I haven’t spoken to really for months before I left. Well, I spoke occasionally. She didn’t listen, or if she did, she gave me no indication whatsoever that she heard anything I said. And I get that she had been dead, and it was rough for her. Being torn out of Heaven has to suck in any circumstance. Being torn out by ungrateful friends that didn’t do anything to help you adjust and expected you to solve all their problems, must have sucked beyond the telling of it. And I’ve dealt with some of my anger at Buffy over how she ignored me during that time…I really have. She was depressed to begin with, and it’s not like anyone at home was helping out financially, so she must have had all kinds of stress regarding finances and stuff, not to mention slayage and world-saving on a regular basis. I get that and I appreciate the seriousness of those issues. I can understand why I didn’t come first on her priorities at that time. And I’ve come to terms with that. What I don’t understand and have yet to forgive her for is the fact that I didn’t even register on her scale. It wasn’t that I was third or even eighth on her list. I didn’t make the cut beyond ‘obligation’ and ‘burden’ and she let me know that in every way she could during that time. Social freaking services was going to take me away and all she could tell me to do was stop skipping school! Give me a break. How about talking to me, sister of mine? Listening, for once? Or maybe just acknowledging my presence as your only family? Or as a human being with feelings too? I mean, I lost my mother and my sister in the space of a couple of months. It’s not like our father had been around for the past few years before that, and he remained true to form during that time, pretending like we didn’t exist. I was literally an orphan! The only person who was there for me at all before Buffy came back was Spike…and Tara. I have to give Tara credit for making sure that I had clean clothes and balanced meals. And she actually talked to me, unlike the others – who couldn’t seem to look at me. I always felt like they blamed me on some level for Buffy – the sister who they loved – being gone. But Tara never made me feel like I was a second choice. She showed me real affection, just not all the time, because she was with Willow and that’s a full-time job. Talk about needy! Willow has always demanded a lot of attention. And that stems from insecurity, I’m sure. So, it’s no wonder that Tara didn’t have as much time for me, and that’s okay. I appreciate that she at least cared and treated me like a person. I might as well not have existed where the other Scoobies were concerned. Although, to be fair to Anya, she didn’t so much ignore me in particular as she ignored everything in favor of running the Magic Box. And since Giles was a depressed wreck of a man during that time, there was a lot of pressure on her to do just that. But the original Scoobies – Giles, Willow, and Xander – some of Buffy’s closest friends… Wouldn’t you think that they would have looked out for little sister out of love for Buffy’s memory or something? ‘Cause I sure wasn’t feeling the love back then!
The only one who made me feel truly safe and loved was Spike. And sure he was occasionally violently graphic with his descriptions of what he’d do to me when I scared him, but it only showed me how much he cared…because he was scared of losing me. I came first with Spike, and he was already family to me, but that summer cemented it. Then Buffy came back, and I didn’t know why at first, but Spike wasn’t coming around as much. And I knew it had to do with Buffy, but back then I just thought it was because he was worried about her and spending more time with her. He still managed to make time for me – checked in to see how I was doing, if I needed help with homework, etc. And I was back in school, so I did have contact with friends on a daily basis. When I overheard Buffy telling Spike to stay away from me, I was shocked by how hateful she was to him. When I learned about their affair, that made more sense, but at the time I was angry at her for a whole other set of reasons. She couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge that she had a sister most days, and she was going to dare to try to keep my only other family away from me? Bitch! And I still feel that way about that topic. I get that there were problems and stress and a number of other factors affecting my sister back then. But I was sixteen freaking years old, for crying out loud. I’m trying to watch the F-word these days. Spike’s been getting after me about cursing again, which would be funny as well as hypocritical of him, if he weren’t so damned sincere about it. Those Victorian manners come out at the oddest times. Anyway, like I was saying, I was only a teenager and one that was still in school, at that. Kind of couldn’t work here. Kind of still a minor. Kind of dependent on the adults in my life to provide for me and take care of things. Well, my sister flunked in every area of my life when it came to that. Actions do speak a lot louder than words. And the occasional lip-service she gave never really measured up… Not when you consider that she would walk off in the middle of me talking to her. Not when she rarely came home and hardly ever acknowledged my presence when she was home. Not when she tried to keep away the person who cared the most about me and treated me best. Not when she took no interest in me or anything that was going on in my life beyond fussing if I got in the way. And if life is that hard, then get help, damn it. If you need help financially, ask for it. Ask your ‘tenants’ for rent. Ask the Council for a salary or a stipend if they want you to have time to Slay. Or tell them to bust their other Slayer out of jail if they can’t pony up the dosh. Giles gave her some money once, but it didn’t go very far, and what was he supposed to do? Support us? Give me a break. But Willow and Tara were living there rent-free for months and although Tara kept up with the work around the house, Willow never lifted a finger…unless it was in conjunction with a spell, that is! I know for a fact that Spike offered her money and she refused it. Never even asked him where it was from. And if the possible ‘illegal source’ was really her problem with taking money from him, wouldn’t you think she would have at least asked, especially considering that she was desperate enough to get a job flipping burgers? And how bizarre is it that she never once clued in to the fact that the ‘evil soulless fiend’ was the only one besides her Watcher that even noticed our money troubles, let alone offered to do anything about it. And her friends totally knew. I heard Anya give her a financial breakdown in front of everyone right after she got back. And considering that they still thought she had been in hell, how selfish were they not to offer to help?
So, yeah, I’m still peeved at Buffy for a few things, like putting her selfish friends above me…like making me feel like I was nothing more than a burden to her. That was awful to feel like I wasn’t loved. And I still feel that way where she’s concerned. And considering all the issues my sister has with rejection, you’d think she’d understand where I’m coming from. Why I’m hesitant to even think about the possibility of letting her get close enough to hurt me again. What’s that old saying? Once bitten, twice shy. Or fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me. Both fit. And I’m not stupid. I can see that she’s making some effort at changing. She wouldn’t be living with Anya, if she wasn’t. And the two times I’ve seen her, she’s been subdued and unsure and totally unlike the bitchy sister I recall. It’s just that I don’t trust her not to hurt me again…or Spike either for that matter. I haven’t seen anything on her part that makes me want to take a chance with her. And she’s going to have to give me something solid to work with there before I’ll be willing to risk it. I’m hopeful that Spike won’t take unnecessary chances with her either. I know he still loves her. Even without the necklace, I can tell from the way he reacted when he saw her the other day and afterward. He and I haven’t talked about it yet. We both needed some time to process. And it’s his heart and totally his prerogative if he decides to do anything with her, but I hope he’ll be smart about it and not give her the power to hurt him again. Because she hurt him worse than anyone else ever has, I think. Even Angel and Dru have nothing on Buffy in that department. I should talk to him about all that and see where his head is right now, just to make sure he’s thinking clearly. Maybe tonight. Wes and Faith will be out on their first date, and just how sweet is that? And that Elke chick arrives in a couple of days, so I think tonight might be the best time for me and him to talk alone. Oooh, I am so ordering Chinese for us. Where is that menu?
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Wes POV:
If asked years ago, or even weeks ago, I would have denied that I could have ever – under ANY circumstances at all – even considered the possibility of dating Faith. It was not a subject that would have been laughable. It was absurd and out of the question and much more likely to happen in a parallel but opposite dimension. What does Dawn call that? Oh, yes… bizarro world! Well, apparently that’s where I live now, because the unimaginable has happened and then some. Not only are Faith and I going out on our first official date tonight, but I also think I’m on the verge of falling in love with her. And I fear that if I give my heart to her…I will never get it back. She will own me for all eternity whether she wants me or not. And that is a truly terrifying notion, indeed. I have experienced unrequited love on more than one occasion and recently with Fred. But Faith is a far cry from Fred, and I am thankful for that every day. Fred had the intellect and I was intrigued as much by her mind as attracted to her demure beauty. Realizing that she did not see me in that manner at all was such a blow. I had fancied that she and I were kindred souls and she rejected that notion outright. I gave up on love at that point. If someone who is so like you cannot love you, then who can? Forming a family with Spike and Dawn helped to repair my battered self-esteem. They touched my heart and that saved me more than they will likely ever realize. But it is Faith that has truly touched my soul.
She came back from traveling dimensions a different person. As a woman, she is quite simply the most gorgeous and amazing person I have ever laid eyes on. She has overcome so much of what was in her past – things I never knew or cared to learn about her before now. Faith has the most incredible soul. She has this fighting spirit that never really gives up, even when she was down and out before…she managed to come back. And every day that I get to spend with her makes me more and more grateful that she did come back – from the childhood abuse, the low self-esteem, the murder, the time in jail, and especially from dimension hopping. If she hadn’t made it back here, I never would have known what I was missing. It never would have occurred to me that she would be someone I could and should take interest in or get to know or even have in my life on any level at all. But I have gotten to know her and she’s quickly become the most important person in my world – other than Dawn and Spike, of course. And it’s precisely because of that, I am scared stiff of what happens next. I have always done better in the ‘friends’ department than in the ‘boyfriend’ one. Apparently I’ve been a dismal failure there, as evidenced by my depressingly consistent lack of a love-life. What if I botch this up? If I wrong-step tonight, I could bugger the whole thing royally and never get another chance.
I’m staring at myself in the mirror and I look like I want to throw up and I feel that way truly. Oh, god, this was a mistake. I’ll mess it up. I always do. Maybe it’s not too late to call it off, huh? I could say that I’m sick, and I think they would all believe me if they could see me at this moment. How bad would it be if I did that? Would I lose her as a friend by disappointing her like that? Of course, I’m likely to screw it all up anyway and then things will be awkward between us. I’m completely buggered either way! This is a disaster. Why did I ask her out? WHY?!? Breathe, Wesley…breathe. That’s Spike knocking on the door telling me that Faith is nearly ready to come down. I start hyperventilating when I hear that, and that damn vampire hearing picks up on it! Spike is through the door in one second, and spots what is wrong in the next. He actually smiles at me – the Bastard! I’m overcome with rage that he is less than sympathetic to my plight, and my anger quickly outweighs my fear. It’s only after I have started to berate him that I realize he is now smirking. He knows me all too well, and that was definitely the best way to get me over the first hurdle. I start to say something, but he just smiles knowingly – which makes me want to deal him a very firm blow to the face at this very moment – and says something about how I’d be a fool to let fear keep me from going out with Faith, and that I’m anything but a fool. That bolstered my flagging ego and relieved me of the strong urge to punch my dear friend. Two birds with one stone! Egad, now I’m thinking in pithy statements. I desperately need a drink, which is immediately produced by Spike. As we chug the mini-bottles of Jack that he carries everywhere these days – although when he stole them from the airplane is a total mystery – I finally feel the panic fully retreating, and I am so relieved that I could cry or laugh. I decide to take the manly route and let out what is supposed to be a deep chuckle, but emerges more as a hysterical giggle. That sets us both off laughing uproariously and I don’t know when we would have stopped, except that movement catches my eye and I look up to see Faith descending the stairs.
My laughter vanishes as I behold the vision before me. I’m mesmerized by her grace and beauty. When she reaches the bottom of the stairs, I bow and kiss her hand and only after do I look up and meet her eyes. What a relief to see that she is as nervous as I am about this. Recognizing that in each other relaxes us both and we smile shyly. I could have been happy to spend the evening just staring into her eyes and holding her hand, but Dawn is suddenly fluttering around us with a camera. And where in the world did that come from, I wonder? Spike’s unabashed grin names him as the culprit and I am seized by the strong urge to stick out my tongue at him. I maturely refrain until he makes an inane comment about ‘the kids all dressed up for prom’ and then I can no longer contain myself. That breaks any lingering tension as all four of us laugh and Faith and I begin striking silly poses that delight Dawn no end. However, when I notice Faith sticking her tongue out at Spike, my thoughts go to impure places and I have to call a quick halt to the picture session before anyone else notices my lightly burgeoning arousal. Grabbing our coats, I manage to cloak any incriminating evidence as I natter on about our reservations. I can see Spike smirking at me and I know the damn vampire has picked up on my reaction. Fortunately the girls seem oblivious as they chat lightly about Faith’s dress and how good her lipstick looks. Hmm, it does look good. Bloody hell, that was the wrong thing to pay attention to and I’m suddenly trying to call up images of my father in a tutu. Spike looks like the cat that ate the canary and I mentally promise him some good-natured but fully deserved retribution for this. Thankfully his comment about me ‘being happy I didn’t lose my lunch or I wouldn’t have the chance to lose my drawers’ is spoken low enough for only me to hear. And at that, I am the one sporting the shit-eating grin as I confidently and eagerly escort my lovely date out the door.
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Spike POV:
You know those little rats that are used in lab experiments? I swear I’ve been one in a previous life, because all the things that happen to me bloody reek of being someone’s soddin’ guinea pig and it’s so déjà vu for me that I just know I’ve lived it before now. There’s just no other explanation that I can see. I’ve spent both my entire life and unlife being subjected to a series of trials and tribulations that never end – just morph into something or someone new. If it’s not society’s hoops to jump through then it’s changing to please Dru or learning to read Angelus correctly so I can survive another day. And if behavior modification isn’t enough for the PTB’s favorite vamp to fuck with, well then…let’s try some pain/pleasure stimulus tests, shall we? Drop an organ on him and let him watch his love throw him aside for another while he’s helpless to stop it. Think those responses were interesting, well then, why not investigate his responses to other hardships? And if emotional trials aren’t enough, well then we can always introduce a permanent pain stimulus factor and see how that turns out. Even Pavlov eventually rewarded the dog. When do I get a reward? When do the tests stop? When is it ever enough?
Bloody hell. I shouldn’t complain, really. I do have rewards in my life – Niblet, Wes, Faith, Angel (surprise, surprise), Connor, the gang at AI, a bloody profitable business that I’m right proud of, to be honest. So I don’t have a woman, so what? Could have me a woman if I wanted one. Could go out there and pick up some bloody chit to shag senseless…and maybe I should do that. Maybe it’d relieve some of this blasted tension I feel these days. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am…I’d just like to actually be able to enjoy it for a while. Instead I’ve got to go be part of this buggering imbrigatt. I still can’t believe what’s expected of me. There’s a big part of me that really wants Elke to show up and tell me it wasn’t Joyce that I saw. Then at least I’d have some choice in the matter. ‘Cause if it is Joyce, then there’s no way I won’t do it. Did that statement end up being positive or negative? Can’t keep my own thoughts straight these days – running in circles and doin’ loop-de-loops all over the place. My heart tells me that it was Joyce I saw and I just can’t refuse the first Summers to ever befriend me. My head tells me that this imbrigatt is exactly what the Powers That Fuck With You would think of for me next. Elke doesn’t get here till day after tomorrow, but I’m bloody well convinced that I know how it’s goin’ down already. Which means that I’ve got to come clean with the others about the details of the imbrigatt. I haven’t told anyone yet ‘cause I needed to process first and I was kind of hopin’ I wouldn’t have to go through with it. Doesn’t sound like a walk in the park exactly and I still don’t see what the point is… Anyway, I can’t put it off any longer. Wes & Faith are out and Dawn’s building us the biggest soddin’ sundae I’ve ever seen. Where does she put all that food? Girl must have a hollow leg…and possibly a hollow arm or two. I didn’t want to ruin Wes & Faith’s evening, so I decided to talk to them tomorrow. But I knew I had to tell Dawn first and privately, as it will probably hit her the hardest. Don’t know that she’ll take it well at all. Only one way to find out. Time to pony up, Spike, m’ boy. She’s just a teenager. Nothing to be afraid of, right?
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Dawn POV:
What the Fuck? You have got to be kidding me! And I’ll stop cussing some other time, thank you very much. That little tidbit of information totally deserves a huge round of curse words and I’ll be damned if I’ll stem the flow ‘till I’ve vented to my satisfaction. How could Spike not have told me about this before now? Although…this certainly does explain some things about his emotional state lately. Spike’s been blocking me from getting more than a vague sense of unease from him ever since England. Now I know why. And I’m kind of freaking out here. I get that if it was my mom who asked Spike to do this, then he’s going to go through with it, no matter what. And I trust my mom totally, so I’d probably do the same thing. But don’t we at least deserve some kind of explanation for why he should have to go through something like this other than ‘it’s important to the future that you do this’? I mean, come on, give me a break! That’s an awful lot to take on faith here, and I don’t know that I’m willing to take those risks. This is Spike we’re talking about and I just got him back. Now they want to send him off on a mission that he might not return from? If anyone can do this, it’s definitely Spike, but what a task. It scares me to think of him doing this and now I’m suddenly hoping that it wasn’t my mom. I do get why Spike didn’t tell me – he knew I’d freak out, and I so totally am. But I’m not mad at him. I am completely pissed off at the Powers That Be, however. What gives them the right to fuck with my best friend like this? Go pick on someone else for a change, you bastards! Spike has done so much to change and to help others…he got his soul back, he spent 10 years finding and protecting Connor to bring him home safe…and even before the soul he was working for the ‘white hats’ as he calls it. Doesn’t he deserve some kind of consideration for all that? But no, they want to put him through the wringer – literally this time. And I’m crying now – tears of anger, tears of fear, tears that I don’t think will stop any time soon. And then Spike is holding me tight and promising me that he won’t do this unless he has to and if he does, then he’ll make it back to me no matter what it takes. And even though I hear the unspoken part that if it was mom, then that means he has to do this…well, I also hear his promise to come back to me. Spike always keeps his word to me. So I suck it up and sniff loudly. He hands me a tissue and I realize that I probably look gross – I can feel snot and tears both running down my face. But I really don’t care as I blow my nose fiercely and tell him that he damn well better come home to me or I’ll come after him. I can tell he’s touched, impressed and a bit scared by that sentiment. But I totally mean it. Spike is mine and the PTB aren’t allowed to take him away from me. I am the Key, after all, and if he doesn’t come back on his own this time, I will so open every doorway that exists to get him back.
I’m so preoccupied by my thoughts of this that I totally forget to broach the subject of my sister with Spike. We spend the next hour curled up on the couch talking. ‘Course I end up falling asleep in his arms and when he tries to put me to bed later on, I guess I refused to let go of him. I discover this the next morning when I wake up in my clothes from the night before still clutching Spike’s t-shirt like my life depends on it. Judging by the fact that my nails have dug little holes in his shirt, I guess he decided it was easier to pull a sheet over us and lay down with me…or maybe he just knew how much I needed him to hold me. Then again, maybe he needed that contact as much as I did. He’s still asleep and I lay there looking at him for a time just thinking about things. And it occurs to me that I love this man so much. He’s my family and I hate that he’s suffered so much and it doesn’t look like it’s going to end any time soon. And I hate that even more. He deserves some happiness and some rest. Well, he’s resting now, but he hasn’t been truly happy for a long time. I mean, I know he’s pleased with the friendships he’s developed this past year with Wes, Faith, Angel and his gang... I know he loves me and our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. And I know he’s really proud of the business we’ve built together. But he’s still got that lonely spot romantically speaking. And he deserves to have a woman who will love him for the good man he is. So I decide then and there that I’m going to devote my efforts to helping him out in that area. I know he still has feelings for Buffy. Spike isn’t the kind of guy who can turn off his emotions. Once you’re in his heart, you’re there to stay. He still cares for Dru, for Pete’s sake and that skank-ho totally doesn’t deserve for him to care about her anymore. So, I know he still cares for Buffy. I just don’t know to what degree. And I don’t know how Buffy feels about him. But if he still wants her and IF she’s changed enough to treat him right and IF there’s a way for them to be together without him getting hurt again… Well, I guess I can be a big girl and put aside my anger at Buffy long enough to help them work through things. I love Spike enough to do that. I’m going to have to talk to Spike about this and feel him out on the topic before I do anything, of course. And I’ll talk to Faith, too. She probably has a better handle on Buffy than any of the rest of us these days. Speaking of Faith, I wonder what time she and Wesley got home last night? And with that much more pleasant thought in mind, I jump out of bed and run downstairs to see if she’s up yet so I can get the scoop on the Big Date.
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Faith POV:
I never got why any woman would pay good money to see a romantic movie. Hello, it’s fake! Every bit of it. There are no “nice guys” out there who will treat you right and love you forever. Fairy tales are still just that. The handsome guy doesn’t sweep in and rescue you from all your problems. Life just doesn’t work like that, so why encourage such a foolish dream? It’s just another way to get let down in the end. Not for me, no thank you. Give me an action flick with plenty of violence any day over that bullshit. Or even a comedy. I like to laugh. But, please, don’t ever expect me to see a movie about ‘true love’ and ‘happy endings’ when all I want to do is toss my cookies at the very thought of it. Smart girls know better than to get sucked into the hype. Well, apparently all my brain cells got sucked out last night by several incredible hours with Wes. Add me to the dreamers, honey!! Because I suddenly want nothing more than to go out and rent every soppy chick flick that I’ve ever passed up. I bet I could watch every last one of them without snorting or rolling my eyes. And not a single one would even begin to compare to my evening with Wesley. And I just let out a breathy little sigh at the thought of it. Hell, I didn’t know I could make that noise! How ‘bout that?
I was still a bit unsure of this whole ‘dating’ thing when I got dressed last night. When Wes asked me out originally, it took me a minute or two to realize he was actually serious. I mean, guys never ask me out on a date! They just want one thing from me, and it doesn’t require dinner and a movie to get it. Or at least, that’s always been my experience in the past. But Wes was so sincere about wanting to take me out and treat me like a lady that I had to say yes. Then I started to get a little bit excited about it. Going shopping and buying a nice dress was surprisingly fun. And I was totally looking forward to the big night until about a day and a half beforehand. Then it suddenly hit me that this was real, and I began to worry that Wes would come to his senses and realize that I wasn’t worth all the trouble. And then I worried that even if he did realize the truth of the matter that he would be too polite to say anything, so we would end up going out and he wouldn’t want to be there and I would know it and it would be awkward and uncomfortable. And it was making me sick to my stomach, let me tell you. I seriously considered either backing out of the date or just going to his room the night before and screwing his brains out. Then he wouldn’t feel obligated to pretend like I was some kind of lady or something. But I was scared that if I did that then I would ruin what we have, and even though it makes me nervous to think about what could go wrong and how I could screw it up… No one has ever treated me as well as Wes has since Spike & Connor and I got back to this dimension. And I really didn’t want to give that up! So I screwed up my courage instead of screwing him, and I acted like this was normal for me to get dressed up for a dinner date with a gentleman. Dawn was helping me with my hair and talking about how beautiful I looked when I realized that I was about to burst into tears. I had to grab a tissue before I ruined my makeup and Dawn looked a bit alarmed until I explained that I had never been this happy before and I was scared that it wouldn’t last. And I’ve never been good with the emotional stuff and it’s kind of a lot to deal with all at once. She smiled and hugged me and told me that Wes was ‘ga-ga’ over me which made us both giggle at her choice of words. Then she went on to say that Wes looks at me the way that Spike used to look at Buffy before all the bad stuff happened between them. And although that was a sobering thought, we both shook it off for after a moment. Dawn said that Wes looks at me with love in his eyes. And that was both the most wonderful and terrifying thought. No one has ever loved me before. Why would they? Why would he? I started to hyperventilate at that and Dawn jumped in front of my face and made me look right in her eyes as she proceeded to tell me that I was worthy of being loved and Wes was worth taking a chance with my heart. I took a deep breath and let it out softly. She was so totally right – about taking a chance on Wes anyway…it’ll probably take a lot more for me to feel loveable. But I’m getting better about it. I didn’t push away my new friends, er family, when they invited me to be a part of them. That’s a step in the right direction. Going out with Wes is another.
So, I wipe my eyes and we fix my makeup and before you can blink it’s time to go downstairs. Wes is waiting for me and I allow myself to look into his eyes and actually see for a change, and it blows me away. He is looking at me with his heart in his eyes, and I can’t help myself but to look back at him with my own heart. It only lasts a moment and then there are cameras and compliments and laughs. But that moment touched my soul and totally broke down my last protective barrier. I had let Spike and Connor in originally, but as family, ya know. Then came Dawn and Wes, but still as family. Now Wes has my heart in his hands as it hits me that I’ve fallen in love with this man. I just hope and pray that he’ll be gentle with my heart, or it might not ever heal if broken this time. The only thing keeping me from falling apart at this point is that I glimpsed his soul also and I know he’s as scared of this as I am. That gives me the courage to grab his arm and walk out the door with him. And it’s more than just going to dinner for me. It’s opening that last closed door. It’s opening the door to my heart. It’s acknowledging that I want to walk beside him always. I wonder what it means to him. And then I am shocked to realize that I’ve said all this aloud. I whip my head around to see him staring at me wide-eyed as we stop beside the car. He doesn’t say anything for a moment and I’m terrified that I’ve already messed it up beyond repair. Then he smiles at me softly and lowers his lips to mine. I didn’t know that kisses could be like that – soft, gentle, tender, loving. That was what got me – that single kiss made me feel loved like nothing else ever has. Then Wes is pulling back enough to tell me that he feels exactly the same way about me. And I can’t help the tears that leak out at that. He pulls out a handkerchief and wipes the tears away, taking care not to smudge my makeup. And I suddenly know that my heart is safe with this man. That Wes will cherish me and treat me as someone precious. And damn if I’m not talking out loud again as I say that his heart is safe with me also. Why can’t I keep my freaking trap shut? What is wrong with me that I’m suddenly so weepy and making these romantic declarations like I’m in the big love scene in one of those stupid chick flicks I hate so much. Well, apparently that’s exactly where we were, because before I even realize it, Wes is telling me that he’s fallen hopelessly in love with me and that if I’ll let him, he’ll take care of me. And even though I’ve always taken pride in being self-sufficient, I realize that I want him to take care of me and I want to take care of him. I’m saying the very scary words back to him before I even know that I’ve opened my big mouth again. And I am so startled by this that I have to take a step back – literally, which throws him off as he was getting ready to lay a big one on me. He starts to speak, but I gently lay a finger on his lips to shush him, and ask if we really just did that? Did we just say we loved each other? He grins and says ‘Yep…and on the first date, no less.’ And we both smile and then we’re laughing and hugging and I have never been this happy in my life. And Wes looks just as thrilled. And then he gets tender again and tells me he loves me and kisses me so sweetly. I could have stayed there all night in his arms, but my stomach growls LOUDLY, which kind of kills the mood, but gets us both giggling again. He opens the car door for me and we’re off to the best dinner of my life.
So I’m sitting here the next morning and fondly recalling how we were that sickeningly sweet couple last night. You know the one that makes everyone else jealous because they are so obviously in love with each other that it shows in everything they do and say? That was us, thank you very much! We had dinner, we danced, we laughed, we talked, we kissed. Boy did we kiss! That man made my knees go weak. No one has ever done that to me before. And I guess we could have slept together, but I wanted to enjoy this. I didn’t know that kissing and holding hands could make you feel so good. I was kind of nervous to bring it up, because…well…sex, ya know? But Wes totally got where I was coming from and assured me that although he totally wanted to “make love” to me (no one’s ever called it that), he wanted to enjoy this, too. And that when we do make love (and it will be making love - how cool is that?) that it will be that much sweeter for having waited. I can’t believe that not only does this incredible man love me, but he also thinks I’m worth waiting for. I’m the luckiest woman alive right now, and hey, what’s this? I’ve drawn little hearts on my toast with the jelly. I totally can’t stop smiling. And then Dawn is thundering down the stairs and into the kitchen. I swear that girl makes enough noise to wake the dead. Hope Spike sleeps through it – he’s a real bear when he’s woken up unnecessarily by loud noises. Dawn takes one look at me and breaks into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. She orders me to tell her everything, and I swear I’ve been taken over by someone else. I must be a pod person or something, because I’m giggling and blushing and sharing with her. And I don’t do that! I’m not a silly romantic female. I’m not… Seriously, Dawn, I’m not! What’s that? All right already. I give. You’re right. I’ve become a romantic. I have been transformed into someone else by the power of Wes’s kiss. And doesn’t that statement crack Dawn up? She is so happy for me – for us – and it feels good to know that someone else is that excited for my good fortune. So I tell her about my wonderful date and she’s practically squealing in delight, when she catches sight of someone behind me and I turn around to see who it is. Wes is standing there smiling at us, and I get lost in his eyes. Everything else just falls away. I swear that I forget to breathe for a minute. God, I am hopelessly in love with this man. Then he smiles at me and I’m smiling back, and I remember that I am safe loving him. I jump up and run over to kiss him good morning, and he practically glows from my enthusiastic greeting. ‘Course I’m glowing, too. Then I remember Dawn and sure enough, she’s watching us and practically beaming with happiness for us. Then Spike comes up behind her and hugs her close to him and joins in the smile-fest. And I can’t remember ever feeling as complete as I do right this minute with the people I love best. I don’t want it to ever end.
Sunnydale, CA
Sunnydale Airport
Anya POV:
Is that stupid airplane ever going to get here? It feels like Buffy and I have been sitting here waiting forever. And yet, I can’t say that either one of us is completely ready to greet them yet. Giles, Xander and Willow are returning today and I am nervous at best, more than a bit nauseated at worst. It will be good to see Giles again. I’m kind of excited to talk to him actually. He showed so much trust in me these past few months with the decisions about the Magic Box and I can’t wait to show him how profitable the online business is already. I want him to know that his confidence in me was well-founded. And I have to admit that it will be nice to talk to him again. He was always such an intelligent man and interesting to talk to about most subjects. Unlike the rest of the Scoobies, he didn’t react much at all when I became a Vengeance Demon again. Just looked a bit surprised and took it all in stride. Of course, Willow was trying to kill us all at the time – and doing a decent job of it – so my transition paled a bit in importance. I’m curious to see how he interacts with me now. Giles knows that Buffy and I are living together, but I don’t know if he ever told Xander and Willow, or not. It’s not like Buffy or I have spoken to either of them all summer. All communication was through Giles, so I don’t know what’s going on with either one of them these days…other than what Giles has told us, which is not that much. Willow has completed her rehabilitative training. Her powers are restricted currently with Giles pulling the strings on how much access she has at any given time, but I don’t know what her state of mind is. Is she truly sorry for what she’s done? Has she come to terms with her own actions? Has she taken responsibility for what she did or will she shirk off the guilt like she has so many times in the past? I haven’t been able to sense any vengeance vibes from her since she broke down in Xander’s arms that day on the cliff, so maybe she’s really owned up to things this time. Heaven help us all if she hasn’t! Xander…I wonder most what is going on with him? His last words to me were during all the chaos, and as usual, they were all about him – how he was feeling inadequate, worried about Willow, disappointed in me…the usual. He didn’t even bother to say goodbye when he left with Giles and Willow. He only had eyes for Willow. It strikes me suddenly that no matter how many times he looked at me in the past, I was never the only one he had eyes for…ever. I am suddenly resolved that the next man I give my heart to will look at me and see me, only me, the real me, and love me for who I am – not try to change me into something else. And I am very pleased to realize that it doesn’t hurt me to think of Xander like it used to. I believe I’m finally over him. What a relief!
I am thrilled to realize that my nervousness at seeing Xander again has less to do with my own personal history with him and more to do with his possible reaction to the changes while he’s been away. Did Giles tell Xander or Willow that the house on Revello Drive was sold? Will they try to get Buffy to move in with them or will they accept the current living arrangements? Buffy and I have already discussed the fact that we’re not changing things to suit anyone else. And how will they all react to the presence of Spike, Faith, Dawn and Wes in town? Will they leave it alone, try to interfere, what? I hope they will let things be for once. I mean, they’ve been gone for months now and we’ve been just fine without them. Will they see that and respect the status quo or will they try to force their presence and opinions on everyone again? I hope for the first, but fear the last will be the case. And I know that the same concerns are going through Buffy’s head tenfold, which is why we got here early today and have been holed up in the airport lounge for the past hour drinking martinis. Nothing like a chocolate martini for some good old liquid courage! Just as I am congratulating myself on showing restraint and having only two drinks before facing the proverbial lion, I happen to look out the door of the lounge and see something that has me questioning how strong my drinks actually were. Because I could swear that I just saw Spike go past. I shake my head and of course he’s gone, but I’m pretty sure he was there, and now I have a dilemma. Do I tell my friend now or wait till after we see the others? Of course, I’ll tell her. It’s just a matter of when. I don’t want to upset her when she’s already nervous, but I don’t want her to be sideswiped if she sees him herself. I’ve been trying very hard to make conscientious decisions in regard to just about everything, but particularly where my friend is concerned. I really hated feeling like my feelings were never taken into consideration in the past, so I don’t want to treat Buffy the same way. I’m still debating what to do when I realize that I’ve been staring at the door for a few minutes and Buffy’s noticed and is turning around to stare over her shoulder and see what’s got me so fascinated. This being the Hellmouth, naturally Spike is walking back past the door at that exact moment. Only this time, he’s got someone with him…a female someone, and a very pretty one at that. I see Buffy’s eyes go wide as the rest of her face falls, and then the PA system is announcing the arrival of the flight we’ve been waiting on. Shit, here we go, ready or not…I think it’s not!
Sunnydale, CA
Sunnydale Airport
Buffy POV:
This totally sucks! How come every time I see Spike lately he’s in the company of a beautiful woman? What’s up with that anyway? Seriously, what happened to the vamp I knew that was always alone or possibly with Clem and his poker buddies? If there was a woman around, it was my mom or Dawn, not some random gorgeous girl. I just got over my jealousy (okay, I can admit that’s what it was) about Faith and Spike being close and I’m still working on the insecurity of comparing myself to Faith. Now there’s some other gorgeous skank-ho to contend with?!? What the hell? Who is she and why did Spike have his arm around her waist and why is she here and where did she come from? I want answers and I want them now, and as usual, I’m not going to get what I want, because I have to go greet a stupid plane with my stupid friends on it that deserted me for the whole stupid summer. And I really don’t want to see them all that much at the moment anyway. But Anya and I leave the comfort of the lounge and head over to baggage claim to wait for what is possibly going to be the single most awkward reunion in history.
I was right. Score one for the little blond girl. Talk about awkward. Giles joined us a few minutes ago with Xander and Willow in tow. Anya and I both hugged Giles and received warm hugs in return from him. As he turned toward the beltway to look for their bags, we faced my former school friends for the first time in months, and the only way to describe the situation was uncomfortable. Willow was clutching Xander’s hand like she might disappear if she let go for a second. Xander looked like he wanted to hug me but wasn’t sure about that and he didn’t make a move to do so with Anya there. And I didn’t particularly want to touch either one of them, truth be told. I don’t feel very friendly toward them these days. So much has happened and I’ve changed so much over the summer, and it’s not like it was and I don’t want to go back to that, and I don’t want to pretend by handing out happy hugs. So, instead, I just stand there and give a half-wave accompanied by a grimace masquerading as a smile. It doesn’t fool anyone and the four of us stand there for a long moment until Anya breaks the silence. God bless Anya and her openness. She starts the ball rolling by observing that Willow looks thin but sane and not evil at the moment, which was a definite improvement over the last time she had seen her. Xander looks like he might burst a vein at this comment, but when I burst out laughing instead, it startles everyone. Then I’m agreeing with Anya that she does look better and commenting that things have changed a lot and we all need some time to readjust and get to know each other again and maybe we can talk tomorrow after they’ve rested up from their flight. Xander looks suspicious – nothing new there – although he doesn’t say anything, which is surprising in and of itself, particularly when Anya and I link arms to go get the car and meet them outside, but Willow is shaking her head thoughtfully in agreement. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Just because we all grew up and grew apart doesn’t mean we can’t meet on some kind of middle ground and form new bonds. I’d like that, I think. But new bonds reminds me of that woman I saw Spike with and my thoughts are once again consumed by him as we are loading up the trunk and pulling out of the airport. I’m so distracted by this that I almost miss the question from Willow about why we aren’t going toward Revello Drive. I want to groan out loud at having to explain, but instead I smile and chatter animatedly about the house selling and apartment hunting/renting experiences Anya and I had while they were gone. One story leads to another and Anya and I fill the silence with tales from the summer until we are pulling up outside Xander’s apartment, which he had apparently kept (did not know that!) and dropping him and Willow off. The two of them are still standing on the curb looking gob smacked as we round the corner toward our place where Giles will be crashing on our couch the next few days. We’ve got some serious catching up to do and I’d prefer to do so with him without the other two interfering, so this was an easy way to set that up. And that reminds me that I still don’t know if Giles is staying or going or what. We really need to talk.
Sunnydale, CA
Peaceful Vale Cemetery
Wes POV:
I wish I knew the right questions to get Elke to open up to me. I’ve been trying to talk to her since she arrived yesterday, but she speaks mostly in riddles and I find it very frustrating. I suspect that she knows more than she lets on and I’m concerned about moving forward with an incomplete picture. Spike finally told us the whole story about meeting Elke before and what the imbrigatt entails and I understand now why he held out on us for so long. It’s a pretty serious thing to contemplate let alone embark upon for anyone, even Spike. Dawn is beyond nervous about this, and Faith is almost as worried. I have quite a few reservations myself. Which is why I have insisted upon being privy to as many details as Elke will share with me regarding both the imbrigatt and the ritual to determine if it was indeed Joyce that visited Spike…was it only weeks ago? It seems much longer. I can find no fault with her spell or the ritual preparations, however, so I keep quiet and watch as Elke begins to chant. She has prepared a sacred circle above Joyce’s grave and both Spike and Dawn are inside this circle – Dawn as the conduit and Spike as the key element. Faith and I are here both to observe and to protect them all, as the ritual itself is actually quite lengthy. We are undisturbed by any evil forces this night – almost as if the creatures that roam the dark know better than to mess with us – and a few hours later we are on our way back to the rental house with mixed feelings. I can see it on the faces of the others and I know it shows on my own also. All of us are unsure at this point. The ritual was very complicated and involved, not to mention heavy on the emotional side making contact with Joyce’s spirit. Dawn was overjoyed to be in her mother’s presence again even in the ethereal sense. Spike was equally affected, and while Faith and I were less connected, we were no less touched by this experience. Now we know that it was indeed Joyce that appeared to Spike and started us off on this journey, but we still don’t know why he is being asked to do this. The only explanation we were given is that this is a journey of faith and only by completing the crossing can one understand the reason for making the trek. I suppose that crossing is as appropriate a term as any considering the nature of the imbrigatt, but the choice of that particular word bothers me nonetheless. It calls up images and associations of a one-way trip to me and none of us want to consider that Spike may not return from this, but it is a very real possibility and we must take this under due consideration. I for one will not allow us to proceed any further until after we have talked this out, covered every possible contingency and exhausted every resource to aid Spike on this trip. If he must go alone, then so be it, but not until we’ve done everything we can to help him assure his success. Although I’m at a loss to imagine what could possibly be of use in fully redeeming one’s soul by atoning for the sins of the past, but surely I can think of something to help him. All I need is a good night’s rest.
Sunnydale, CA
Peaceful Vale Cemetery
Buffy POV:
I can’t sleep. I have been tossing and turning half the night and can’t get my eyes to even stay shut, which is why I decided to head out for a second patrol at 3a.m. So, here I am an hour later hitting another cemetery and so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I almost run straight into… What in the world are they all doing out here at this time of night? And why do they all look so serious? I’m tempted to call out and ask, but something about their demeanor screams of the seriousness of whatever it is that had them out here to begin with. Instead I stand in the shadows and watch as first Wes and Faith walk by hand-in-hand. And although they both look tired, they also look very sweet together, and I am happy for them to have found each other. Behind them walks the woman I saw with Spike at the airport. And although she is walking alone this time, I am no less intimidated by her. Definitely not a skank-ho as I had hoped. She’s almost otherworldly in her beauty and I wonder at the way she carries herself. She seems to glance my way for a moment and I have the briefest impression of pale lilac eyes that see right through me, but then the moment is gone and she is walking on and I wonder if I imagined it even. Last in their little procession comes Spike and Dawn and it is their appearance that strikes me the most. They both look equally happy and sad – happy as in a deep joy and peace that I am envious of and sad as in bearing an overwhelming weight on their shoulders. I want to know what is going on, but decide to wait until the next day to seek out Faith and get the scoop. I do, however, follow them home just to make sure they are safe. I know there are several warriors in their group who can easily hold their own, but I thought they looked tired and distracted…and I care that they’re okay. They don’t need to know I was here. It’s not about that. I wait until the last one is in the door and it is closed behind them before I head back home. I’m tempted to wake Anya and talk to her about what I saw, but I know she was tired earlier. Instead, I lay on my bed where once again I cannot sleep, although now I have even more questions rattling around in my head.
Sunnydale, CA
The streets of Sunnydale
Giles POV:
To be or not to be, that is the question. Pish tosh! The more accurate question would have been what or who to be. And that is the question that all my charges seem to have wrestled with these past few months with varying degrees of success. Some I am extremely proud of – like Anya. That girl has done amazing things in the time I’ve been gone and even before I returned briefly to reign in Willow’s power abuses. She took what was already a successful business and transformed it into a thriving and extremely profitable venture. The lack of overhead and exposure via the confounded internet being two of the key factors, she is nevertheless the responsible party for our success. I never would have considered venturing out into the virtual marketplace on my own. That would have been a more daunting task to me than learning an extinct language or fighting a fierce monster. To my way of thinking, computers are just the most bloody confusing contraptions ever invented. I prefer solid things that I can touch – like books, or weapons or spell ingredients…or even food. I have just recently discovered a hitherto latent affinity for cooking. I have been sautéing up a fierce storm around my flat and judging by the pounds that Xander has packed on while staying with me, I assume that my efforts were successful. Then again, that boy has always buried his feelings in food to an extent. Perhaps his eating was equal parts stress and enjoyment. Hmm. I will admit to having some serious concerns about that boy and how he is going to adjust to the changes that have occurred this past summer. I worry that he has not even yet begun to deal with the consequences of his own actions let alone those of the others.
Xander spent the entire summer caring for Willow. And at first I was most grateful for his help, as Willow was unresponsive for the first couple of weeks. His assistance was invaluable in taking care of an individual that was for all intents and purposes catatonic. When she began to come around and respond to stimuli, we began the arduous task of her rehabilitation. Willow and I spent countless hours in commune, with the spirits of the earth and sky, with the elements of this planet, searching for peace and understanding and the way forward. Along that path, Willow began to address her own issues of power abuse, need for control and insecurity. Although she was beginning to take steps toward forgiveness and healing, I fear that Xander headed in the opposite direction. He refused to join us in these meditation sessions, only spending time with Willow or sitting in front of the TV or off on his own alone. I have no idea what he did during his time alone. He barely talked to me. He barely talked to Willow, to be honest. And although Willow is still a very fragile creature at this point, at least I know where she stands. Xander, on the other hand, is a mystery to me. He is a contradiction at best – Willow’s rock but one that I fear has a proclivity to either fall apart or explode. I know a thing or two about not dealing with your issues and how they can come out of no where to smack you in the face when you least expect it. And if Xander did not deal with things over the summer while we were gone, how is he going to react to all the things that he and Willow have yet to learn about?
I had some very enlightening talks yesterday with both Anya and Buffy and learned a great deal more about the changes each of them has gone through these past months. I am proud of my Slayer, my surrogate daughter. She has begun to grow up and mature into a real woman who has the courage to stand on her own rather than depend on others for her own validation. As important as a circle of support can be, it can also drag you down if you allow codependent relationships to develop. Unfortunately, I believe that the friendships between Xander, Willow and Buffy were codependent to quite a large degree. However, this was an evolution that likely could have been avoided at multiple points in time if key issues had been addressed in a timely fashion. When that didn’t happen however, splinters fragmented to such an extent that I don’t know how or if they can ever fully recover the trust that has been shattered between them all. They each have questions that need to be asked and answered, issues that need to be addressed, faults that need to be recognized and accepted or changed as the case may be. They also have to accept each other and the changes that have taken place and I don’t know how easily that will occur. Change is not easy in the best of situations. When thrust upon one, it is often resisted with ferocity that can astound. Xander is a prime example of this. I fear he will have the hardest time accepting the changes. Willow, I think, will handle things better, but I am not sure whether it is better to spoon-feed her the truth or lay it all on her at once. I fear that limiting her knowledge will backfire. I have no doubts but that Xander’s initial reaction will be negative, but that is to be expected. Willow will take it all in stride, I hope, but I do not wish to overwhelm her. Which is why I am on my way to my current destination at this very moment.
Among other revelations last night, one of the things I learned was the rather sketchy details regarding Dawn, Spike, Faith & Wesley – or at least as much as Anya and Buffy could tell me. I don’t know which one of those four has surprised me more. I did not realize that Dawn had run away initially – no one rang me in England to tell me this. So, I was not prepared for her absence when I returned in the spring. At that time, Buffy had assured me that it was under control. There is a strong part of me that feels I should have pursued that issue more back then. As it is, I did not, and have only now learned the full truth of the matter. Thank God that Wesley was there for Dawn. I shudder to think of a sixteen-year old girl on the streets of Los Angeles on her own. But I must admit to a grudging admiration for Dawn’s resourcefulness, and by all accounts, she seems to be well-adjusted on all fronts now, but I should like to ascertain this for myself. Then there is Wesley, whom I have not seen since that farce of a high school graduation. At that time, I would have deemed him one of the least likely people to ever develop any backbone, let alone become a force to be reckoned with. I am intrigued by the apparent changes in him and feel the need to speak with him myself. I greatly wish to speak with Faith, also…not to see if she’s evil or anything. I was regaled by Buffy with tales of the new and improved Faith to the point where I believe that Joan of Arc would pale in comparison to the former rogue slayer. Rather, I should like a chance to apologize for my part in letting her go down the road she originally followed. I believe that, too, could have been averted with the proper intervention at the right time. I failed her to an extent, and would like the chance to make it up to her. Lastly, but apparently not least at all, there is Spike. If even half of what I heard about him is true, then there is surely an incredible tale to be told. Of course, there were also the rumors I heard in London that seemed too wild to even consider a few months ago, but now I must indeed consider them. Is it really possible that William the Bloody voluntarily sought the restoration of his soul and succeeded? I did not share this with the girls as they both seemed ignorant of this possibility, but the things they told me all point towards this being true. So, I’m here at the door of their rental house with my hand poised to knock, hoping to unravel at least one of the mysteries before me, when the door opens and I’m presented with a much stranger situation than I had expected. What in the world could possibly convince a grown man to don a shirt in that particular shade of pink?
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Wes POV:
You know those moments in time when you seriously wish for just a moment that the ground would open up and swallow you whole? Well, this is most definitely one of those times. I’m standing here in front of Rupert Giles, a man who has never seen me at my best, and whose respect I would absolutely wish to possess. And I’m wearing a soft pink oxford shirt and looking like a complete and total namby-pamby. I swear that my heart is in my throat and I want to disappear. I’m that mortified. Rupert opens his mouth to speak as do I, but nothing comes out for either of us. We both shake our heads and try again with the same result. Finally I manage a weak smile and comment that only a shirt this hideous could render a Watcher speechless. He bursts out laughing in agreement and is soon pumping my hand in greeting. As I invite him in, I regret again the impulse that had me letting Dawn try out some ‘new colors’ in my wardrobe. I had just put on the awful thing when the doorbell rang. I wish that I had allowed someone else to answer it, but as I walk back in the living room with Giles in tow, we are assaulted by the sight of Spike looking decidedly miserable in a pale green shirt. I am suddenly relieved that I stepped out when I did. Giles wry question about the current state of affairs wrenched a very unmanly yelp from Spike, who exchanged glances with me. In tandem we whipped off the horrendous style abominations and threw them at Dawn. She was laughing too hard to do more than stand there and allow herself to be draped in pastels as the rest of the shirts in both bags turned out to be similarly hideous. I’m still not certain if she bought these outfits as a joke or what, but rest assured that Spike and I are in agreement that this will not do at all. As I pull my gray t-shirt back over my head, Spike expresses the need for some serious ale and asks Rupert if he’d like to join us for a pint. The three of us head toward the kitchen, leaving a very amused Faith to rescue Dawn from the mountain of clothes.
If I was surprised to see Rupert, Spike does not seem to be at all. Odd, that. Hmm. Before I can wonder any more about that, Rupert is extending his hand toward Spike who seems very surprised by the gesture, but takes the preferred hand, although a tad warily. Or perhaps it’s wearily at this point with all that has happened lately. Regardless, they exchange greetings and then Rupert is turning back toward me and apologizing for not greeting me properly when I first answered the door, but the state of my apparel had him too appalled to speak initially. That is reminder enough of those awful clothes and the three of us shudder in manly unity at women’s ideas of fashion. Conversation is stilted at first, but Rupert quickly comes to the point of his visit. I am watching Spike for some kind of reaction as we are told about Xander and Willow returning, as well as his talks with Anya and Buffy, but Spike shows no visible reaction…that is until Rupert mentions his soul. I can’t say which of us was more surprised that he knew about it. We haven’t told anyone in Sunnydale outside of our little group about this and I rather think Spike would prefer it to stay that way. Rupert explains about the rumors he heard in England and how he had doubted their veracity at first until he returned here and was inundated with tales from Buffy and Anya. Although Spike perks up a bit to hear that Buffy has been talking about him, only someone who knew him well could tell that he was affected by what he was hearing. However, he didn’t comment on it, so I took my cues from him. I waited several moments with bated breath before Spike seemed to relent and confirmed what had already been guessed. Even though he suspected as much, Rupert was clearly gob smacked to have the reality of Spike’s soul verified. He attempted to speak several times before actually succeeding and then, to everyone’s surprise, it was not to ask how or why, but instead words of admiration for what it must have taken to accomplish such a feat. It was that open respect, I think, that took down the remaining barriers and allowed Spike to relax and speak openly with Rupert.
We sat there throughout the afternoon talking and catching up. Rupert was suitably impressed by the business we’ve carved out for ourselves. He was surprised to learn about Darla and Connor and everything that story entailed. The three of us had worked ourselves through a full case of Guinness and were set to start another before Faith and Dawn stuck their heads in to check on us. That interruption prompted the need for a meal and before we knew it, fajitas were in the works and everyone was pitching in…except for Rupert, who asked to speak with Dawn and Faith each privately. I’m not sure exactly what was said there, but all three parties were much more at ease afterward, although I know that Dawn was sniffling and Faith rubbed at ‘something in her eye’ before they set the table and fixed drinks. It was during a loud and boisterous dinner that Elke finally emerged from Spike’s bedroom where she had been sleeping since the ceremony last night. Rupert stood up when she entered, or rather he tried to anyway like a gentleman, but promptly fell on his ass like a drunkard instead. Amidst the laughter that followed, introductions were made and Elke expressed an interest in speaking with Rupert when his facilities were more intact. Bless the bugger, but he blushed at that. I haven’t seen Spike laugh so hard in some time. We ended up staying up talking and laughing until well into the night. The girls all deserted us before it got too late and it was just three Englishmen sharing opinions on footie and ale and the queen. I haven’t had so grand a night in some time. I don’t recall what time it was when we finally stumbled inside to get some sleep, but I’m relatively certain that it was not long before the sun came up. I swear that I only had my eyes closed for a second when Faith was shaking me awake with promises of a greasy breakfast. And over the sound of my groans at the thought of food, I hear her laughter and decide that it is possibly the sweetest sound I have ever heard.
With a throbbing head and a roiling stomach, I eventually manage to drag myself downstairs where Rupert looks even worse than I feel. He is gratefully accepting a cup of coffee from Faith and asking if he had the presence of mind to call Buffy and Anya and let them know not to be worried the night before. Faith is smiling when she informs him that he didn’t have the presence of mind to do much more than laugh drunkenly the night before, but that she had made the call. I send a grateful look her way and am rewarded by a soft smile that leaves me glowing. Rupert has noticed our byplay and is apparently reminded that Faith and I are now a couple, as he learned over many a toast with the pint last night. I believe my exact words after his toast ‘to an undefeated seasons for Man U’ were ‘to the love of a fine woman, like my Faith.’ At which point, Rupert spit ale all over himself and stared at me in complete befuddlement for several seconds, before collecting himself and sitting up straight to clank pints with me again to the chorus of a round of hearty ‘ayes.’ At some point later on in the night, our conversation had become a bit more mellow and we ended up talking about the loves of our lives. I talked briefly about unrequited love with Fred and then finding Faith who appreciates me and makes me feel like a man. Spike’s gloomy rejoinder was that none of the three women he had loved had ever made him feel like a man – more like they had tried to make him feel less than a man. Rupert then bemoaned his lost love as he shared with us about Jenny whom Spike agreed had been ‘a right feisty bird that was snuffed by Angelus before her time’ and then the reminder of Angelus called up dour thoughts for all of us. It was a dark moment that was put in perspective when Spike told the story of the way Rupert had stormed into the factory and nearly taken Angelus out with a baseball bat and fire. That started a hilarious discussion of the many ways one could kill Angelus. Spike won most original when he suggested substituting his hair gel with something that would cause his hair to fall out, which would promptly result in the vain poof offing himself in embarrassment. My personal favorite was Rupert’s suggestion that Angel be sentenced to an eternity of auditioning for plays. We all paused imagining him trying to use one of his two perpetual expressions in an acting audition and promptly burst out laughing hysterically. This was further compounded when Rupert affected a serious look and said that he might actually win the audition…if the job was to sell hemorrhoid cream. That did it for us and we all dissolved into very unmanly giggles. And although I know that Spike has come to terms with Angel and they are doing well these days, I did so appreciate the laughs at the wanker’s expense.
Anyway, it is just Rupert and Faith and I at the moment. Faith reveals that Dawn is on the phone with an old friend of hers from school making plans for a trip to the mall. I simply must insist that she use this opportunity to return those hideous shirts she purchased for Spike and I. This sentiment prompts a snort from Rupert and a Cheshire grin of unholy proportion from my darling girl. Faith leaves us to talk to Dawn and offer to drive her to the mall. Rupert and I share a look of solidarity and lapse into a rather comfortable silence. After a bit, Rupert brings up the question of exactly what is the big secret reason that we’re all here in Sunnydale anyway? I take a leap of faith and decide to lay it all on the line here, trusting Rupert to keep confidence for us. He is as blown away by it all as we are and is totally amazed that Spike is expected to undergo such a test of a man that would daunt even the bravest and cleanest of us, but to be carried out by a vampire is quite simply put, mind-blowing. It is only after hearing all this that Rupert decides to remain and wait for Elke rather than returning later in the day to speak with her. It is some time later before Elke emerges from the bedroom she has shared with Spike since her arrival a few days ago. Rupert raises an eyebrow when he realizes where she was sleeping, but I have no answers for that. I have not questioned Spike on this arrangement, nor do I intend to do so. After what was apparently an intense conversation, Rupert rejoins me in the living room and we sit in silence for a few minutes before he turns to me and says that if we are going to go through with this, then he wants to help in any way he can. I tell him that I really don’t know yet when this is to occur or what part any of us will play in it, but that if he could help me brainstorm on ways to assist Spike in his trials…I would be most appreciative. He solemnly agrees to do what he can and then takes his leave of us. I remain sitting for some time after he leaves wondering what the future holds for us. There are still so many unknowns here, and I don’t do very well with the unknown. I’m growing more and more uncomfortable until Faith joins me on the couch. As she snuggles up against my side and my arm wraps around her shoulders, I am reminded that some unknowns turn out very well indeed once the risks are taken, and my confidence that we will all come out of this okay is buoyed by her presence.
Sunnydale, CA
Peaceful Vale Cemetery
Spike POV:
It’s almost time for this bloody imbrigatt to begin… Hmm. Maybe ‘bloody’ isn’t a very good choice of words for this. Certainly hope it won’t be too bloody. Plan to do my best to survive this and not bugger things up. Been spendin’ as much time as possible preparin’ for this, but a couple of weeks isn’t very long at all. Not that there’s bugger-all to do really to get ready for this. After all, it’s m’ past we’re talking about here. I’m the one who has to face all of his ghosts – quite literally in this case. Not exactly lookin’ forward to it, to be honest. After all, ‘ve got over a hundred years worth of crimes to atone for and who knows how many victims there were over the years? The thought of facin’ each one of them on the ethereal plane isn’t exactly appealin’ to me. But sod all else, ‘m gonna do it for no other reason than that Joyce Summers asked me to. I know it bothers the others – particularly Wes – that we don’t have a more concrete reason than ‘it’s a journey of faith’ but that’s okay. I’ve done dumb things before and not always had good reasons for doin’ so. Without a doubt, best thing I ever did was get my soul because of my love for Dawn, so I could be a good example to her. I don’t regret that, even when it felt like it might scratch a hole inside m’ head, ‘cause I did it for the right reason and it feels good to have earned it on m’ own. Now I’m expected to cross over and atone for my sins. Supposedly this process will give me a clean slate and redeem my soul for all the sins I’ve committed. Not exactly sure how that works though. What are the PTB goin’ to do when I’m done, wipe my memory clean? What good would that do? Then I wouldn’ remember what I’d bloody well learned along the way, which kind of defeats the purpose to begin with, don’ it? The whole bloody thing gives me a headache whenever I try to think it through, so I’ve stopped tryin’ to analyze it. I’ve spent most of the time makin’ good memories with Bit and the others. Wes ‘n Rupert have had me doin’ meditation exercises to ‘center’ m’self. They seem to think that might be the only weapon they can offer me goin’ in to this. Which made me snort originally, because how in bloody hell is that a weapon? Wes explained that it would help me to regroup in betwixt encounters, and that made a bit of sense, so ‘ve been workin’ on it. But I have trouble findin’ any peace at that rental house we’re in, so ‘ve been comin’ out here to Joyce’s grave each night instead and that’s helped me in more ways ‘n one. I didn’t know a grave could be such a peaceful place ‘till I visited Joyce’s headstone. I think and I practice centerin’ m’self and I talk to Joyce. Bugger, but I miss that woman. Such a fine person. And I like to think she’s proud of what I’m doin’ here…pretty sure of it actually…although she would likely tell me to talk to the Slayer before I do this. That’s the one loose end that’s not tied up yet. If I don’ make it back, that’s the one person I’m not at peace with…and although I’d like to try to fix things before I do this… Well, it’s jus’ a bit much to handle, ya know? I don’t think I can do that on top of everythin’ else. Bein’ around the Slayer would just fuck with m’ head and I don’ need that right now. So, I sit here and talk quietly to Joyce instead and try not to think about her eldest daughter and how much I wish things could be different there. No use cryin’ over spilt milk as the sayin’ goes.
Sunnydale, CA
Apartment of Buffy and Anya
Anya POV:
If she paces around the room one more time, I swear I’m gonna scream! That girl is about to wear a hole in the carpet and it’s really not necessary. I love my roommate, but she’s going about things all wrong. She’s been driving herself crazy for the past couple of weeks now trying to figure out what’s going on without coming right out and asking. And with the limited facts we have, nothing adds up to enough to satisfy Buffy. Giles has made daily trips over to visit with Wesley and, I assume, the others, but has yet to tell us why he’s spending so much time over there. When questioned, Faith was hesitant to reveal any details of why they’re in town, saying that it really wasn’t her story to tell and giving the impression that Buffy would have to ask either Spike or Dawn for the whole story. Right, like that’s going to happen any time soon! Buffy has made a lot of progress these past few months, but I don’t know when she’s going to be up for that. I was so proud of the way she took the initiative with Xander and Willow of telling them up front how happy she is with her new living arrangements. The old Buffy would have dreaded them asking and avoided the question for as long as possible only to try to sidestep the issue when it was brought up. The new and improved Buffy – as I teasingly refer to her – put the issue out there in no uncertain terms from the get-go. And how cool was it that she did that? Pretty darn cool in my book. She didn’t bring up the whole Spike & Gang presence with Xander and Willow – which I totally get – but she was surprisingly direct with Giles on that subject. And I don’t know what surprised me more – how honest Buffy was with him or how well he took things. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like my friend shared any revelations from the heart about her suppressed love for our bleached friend – she hasn’t even acknowledged that one to herself yet – but she has realized how important both Spike and Dawn are to her and how much she wants to make things right between them. Taking the steps to do so is another matter altogether though. And speaking of steps, I’m going to get that girl a pedometer so she can see I’m not lying about how much pacing she does these days. Sigh. There are times when people come to important realizations on their own and there are times when you have to slap them in the face with the truth. I believe tonight might be the right time for some serious truth hitting home. Only one way to find out, but I’d better pour some wine first. Only way I’m going to get that girl to stop making me dizzy with the movement is by putting a drink in her hand.
Sunnydale, CA
Streets of Sunnydale
Buffy POV:
Okay, I guess it’s time to admit that Anya’s right. I sort of acknowledged that the other night when she talked to me…well, not agreed, so much as I didn’t deny what she was saying. She told me that if I want to know what’s going on with Spike and Dawn and them, then I’m going to have to gather my nerve and go talk to them. She pointed out that Giles talked to them and he’s apparently all in the know now. And it’s not like he was ever that close to Spike or Dawn, or Wes or Faith either for that matter. So it’s not like their little group is opposed to sharing information with others. I’m just afraid they won’t want to share with ME. And Anya offered to come with me to talk to them, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. Part of me would love to have her by my side. She’s a super-supportive friend and I am grateful to have her in my corner. But part of me feels like if I can just make the effort to reach out to either Spike or Dawn – or both – on my own…well, maybe they’ll take me more seriously and see that I sincerely want to try to make things right. And maybe I can never totally do that, but maybe we could begin to heal and find some new common ground. I know neither one of them wants to go back to the relationships we had before. But, to be honest, neither do I. Honestly, I don’t. I’ve discovered that I didn’t particularly care for the person I was in the past…even before I died and was brought back. However, I’m really starting to like the person I’m becoming more and more. And I think they might like that person, too…or at least be able to tolerate being in the same room with her! I don’t guess I’ll ever know unless I take a chance, but how do I get to the place where I have the courage to try.
I’ve been walking around – pseudo patrolling, anyway – for the past couple of hours now, just thinking about things. I kicked a rock and looked up when I heard it hit something a moment ago. I was surprised to see it was my headstone, which stops me in my tracks. For the longest time I just stare at the stupid thing. ‘She saved the world a lot.’ What exactly does that mean to me? I know as the Slayer I saved the world – literally. And I know that I saved lots of people…not all of them… I never save all of them, but I’m doing better with accepting that. Anya has made me memorize the Serenity Prayer and it has become my own personal mantra. I’m looking at the numbers on my headstone and I’m reminded of something I heard once about how it’s not the dates that matter – when you’re born or die – but what’s in-between and that’s represented by a dash. The person I heard that from was using it as a way of saying that life shouldn’t be a ‘mad dash’ but instead we should slow down and enjoy our lives. But I’m suddenly thinking of what all happened in my life that’s represented by that little horizontal line carved in stone. So much heartache. So many mistakes. So many regrets. And I’m suddenly angry that I’ve accepted all this…until now. With what can only be described as a snarl, I rear back and let my foot fly repeatedly until that stupid headstone is lying there in pieces on the ground. How exhilarating. I should have done this months ago. I feel free and I make up my mind right there that I don’t want to look back at the end of my life (whenever that should happen to be AGAIN) and have so many regrets. I want to feel good about how I lived my life and about the chances and risks I took. I raise my head to look at the sky, blow my mom a kiss (I know she’s up there somewhere watching me), and take off running – no, dashing – toward the rental house where Spike & Dawn are staying. I’ve got some things to say that are long overdue.
When I get there though, the wind is literally taken out of my sails. I’m knocking on the door and no one answers at first, so I eventually crack it open and call out. No one answers right away, but then Faith pokes her head down the stairs. I’m not sure she’s going to invite me in. She keeps glancing back up the stairs and then at me. I guess she comes to a decision, because she calls back over her shoulder that ‘she’ll be right back’ and comes downstairs to see me. I smile, but it quickly fades at the serious expression on her face. I’m not used to Faith looking this solemn and it makes me nervous. We go into the living room and she tells me exactly what’s going on. I’m totally blown away. I can’t believe that my mom would ask Spike to do something like this. I can totally believe that he’d do it if she asked him to, but why would she ask that of him? Faith can’t answer that. None of them really know why this is happening. I want to scream at the unfairness, but then she tells me that the ritual has already started, and I’m left speechless instead. How could no one tell me that this was happening? I want to cry, but instead I swallow my hurt and ask where he is and if I can see him. Faith nods and leads me quietly upstairs to what I guess is Spike’s room. The pretty woman from the airport is there…Elke is her name, I think that’s what Faith said anyway…and she’s obviously running the show. Spike is lying on a mat and he appears to be sleeping…that is if you ignore the fact that he’s suspended in the air about three feet off the ground and there’s a light purple glow surrounding him. Dawn is there, but although she looks surprised to see me, she doesn’t seem hostile or anything. Heck, she even gives me a neutral expression and a kind-of wave. That’s progress as far as I’m concerned, and it gives me hope. I stare at Spike for several long seconds before asking aloud what I can do to help.
How disappointing that there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been informed that all we can do is wait at this point. Elke is monitoring Spike’s progress and will let us know if anything changes, but so far all I’ve gathered is that he’s on the spiritual plane. That I get and I’m not worried about. It’s the facing each and every one of his past victims part that makes me go ouch. I’m not the only one concerned about him. Besides Dawn, Wes and Faith, Giles was there earlier, but he stepped out to go buy some coffee and sodas. Apparently caffeine is in order. Well, sign me up, I don’t feel like sleeping much at all. No one’s really talking – just a few whispered questions here and there. I’ve been standing off to the side by myself for almost an hour now and I feel very much alone when the most surprising thing happens. Dawn gets up to stretch and go to the bathroom, and when she walks by me she stops. She doesn’t look directly at me, and she speaks so softly that I can barely hear her, but she definitely says ‘that it’s good that I’m here for him.’ I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I can’t believe how happy that small acknowledgement from my sister just made me. I go out in the hall and wait for her to come out of the bathroom. When she does, we both just stand there for a moment, and then I tell her that I’d really like to talk to her if she’ll let me. She hesitates for just a moment and then nods, but asks if it can wait till after we know about Spike. Well, of course it can. If she’s willing to talk to me, then I’ll wait for as long as she needs just to get a chance to apologize and make peace with her. Now if Spike will just give me the same opportunity, I might be able to start over with both of them. Even though I’m very worried about him, I haven’t felt this hopeful in some time.
It’s been several hours now with no visible changes. Elke won’t tell us much except that he’s still hanging in there. She keeps saying that his trials are very personal and should not be revealed to anyone unless he chooses to do so when he returns. I don’t understand exactly what’s going on over where ever he is. I wish I did, but no one else seems to know the exact details either. I’m guessing it can’t be any worse than what I’m picturing in my head. I hope, for Spike’s sake, that it’s not anyway. In the meantime, we’ve all settled into a pattern of waiting. We can go into the room, but we can’t go beyond a certain point, which is helpfully marked with a circle of bright white sand. Giles returned some time ago and seemed pleased to see me here. And Wes told me I could call Anya if I wanted, which I gladly took him up on two seconds later. So, my friend and I are sitting here quietly with a group of people – except for Elke – that I have a long and varied history with…not all of it good. But I’m beginning to realize that not all of it’s bad either, and just maybe it can be much better in the future. Even with the cloud of uncertainty over my head, I still feel more positive about what comes next than I have in way too long. I should have known better than to allow myself to dream. This near to the Hellmouth, all dreams are tainted…more like nightmares really.
A few hours later something finally changes. None of us realize the source at first. The house is shaking, the ground is vibrating and it’s incredibly noisy. Earthquake, right? Wrong! Dawn is the only one in the room with Spike and Elke at the time, so we don’t know anything’s wrong until she runs out in the hall screaming. My heart is in my throat and I leap up the stairs three at a time. Faith and I get there first and we race into the room and slam into Dawn’s back where she’s literally frozen in place. I hear the others run up behind us, but I don’t see them. I don’t have eyes for anything except the sight in front of me. Spike is no longer calmly levitating on the mat. He’s swirling around, getting faster and faster, and the peaceful lilac light from earlier has mutated into a sickly orange glow that scares me. I can tell by her expression that Elke is concerned, but it’s the fact that she doesn’t seem overly alarmed that keeps me from totally freaking out. The noise is still building and Spike is spinning faster and faster, and I’m still wondering if that’s a good thing or not, when all of a sudden the light turns an electric blue and there is a blinding flash and a loud boom, almost like a clap of thunder, followed by silence. Just before I lose my vision, I get a glimpse of Elke’s face. She looks startled and that scares me, but then I can’t see at all and I’m afraid to move in case I accidentally cross over the border of sand and mess something up. I guess everyone else has the same idea, because no one is moving much. As my sight begins to come back and the room comes into focus gradually, I am aware of the others around me. I’m holding Faith’s arm with my right hand and my left hand is clutching Dawn’s shoulder and I’m not sure when that happened. Spike isn’t in the air anymore. The mat is on the ground, but Elke is bent over the prone form on the floor and I can’t see what’s happening and I’m beyond nervous. I can hear Elke muttering to herself and although I don’t catch all the words, I’m still getting the impression that she’s very surprised by something. Then she sits back and I can see what has her so off-balance. For there on the mat where Spike was lying a few minutes ago is none other than my mother, Joyce Summers. I can hear gasps and cries from everyone around me, but it is Dawn that holds my attention. I force myself to focus for a moment and whisper to her not to cross the sand until Elke says it’s okay. As soon as she gives us the nod, Dawn and I both leap across the room. Then we are hugging our very real and solid mother who is crying and laughing with us. Although I’m awed and overjoyed to see my mother and I have to keep touching her for fear she’ll disappear, I can’t help but focus on wondering where Spike is. Dawn and I have mom in the middle of a sister sandwich hug when our eyes meet. I know that if we’ve ever agreed on anything, it’s right now. What happened to Spike?
TBC
(Section IV)
by DizzyB
Dress Rehearsal
Sunnydale Mall
Sunnydale, CA
Buffy POV:
Shopping is totally my sport! If it were an actual sport, I could totally go pro. Better yet, I could compete in the Shopping Olympics… Ooh, how cool would that be? I can so see it…some super-fine store, like Harrod’s or maybe someplace on Rodeo Drive, or, ooh better yet, some chic fashion boutique in Paris. Yeah, that’s it. Me and a few other select competitors with a limited budget and a ticking clock trying to find the best outfit at the best price in the shortest amount of time. That gold medal would so be mine. Although…I actually prefer silver to gold, goes better with my coloring, but I guess that wouldn’t work, huh? Anyway, shopping is definitely the sport of choice regardless. Before becoming the Slayer, other than cheerleading, I wasn’t exactly what you would call an athletic person. And the cheerleading was really all about being popular and looking good in front of guys, not about being active at all. I avoided housework like the plague (my mom referred to my room as ‘the devastation and wreckage from Hurricane Buffy’) and riding a bike wasn’t cool once you hit junior high, so shopping was really the only time I ever actually did anything energetic back then. Once I became the Slayer, I was introduced to this whole new world of martial arts and fighting, and really surprised myself with how easily I took to all that. And I guess most of the ability came from being the Slayer, but I discovered that I thoroughly enjoyed being so active. Patrolling and slaying are physically demanding and can be really taxing at times, but I thrive on the challenge. And I enjoy being toned and muscular, which I so wasn’t B.S. (before slaying)… But even now, shopping is the one activity that really gets my blood pumping, so to speak.
Shopping is so much more than going to the store, making a purchase and maybe hitting a sale. Any dope can do that. True shopping is like going on a hunt. You’ve got to know the target – which stores carry what brands. You’ve got to know the conditions – what’s in season and what’s on sale. You’ve got to work within your own physical limitations – if you can’t afford everything (I can’t…who can?), then you have to know what’s a bargain and what isn’t so you can jump on one when you find it. But true shopping goes even beyond those surface things. At times it can be an emotional experience that transcends anything else. Finding the perfect dress or pair of shoes – particularly when you’re not looking for them – can be such a high. Or even better is when you find an outfit and can picture yourself wearing it in ideal conditions, such as a romantic date with a boyfriend who adores you or looking really hot at a party with lots of drool-worthy guys. Sometimes you find that one piece of clothing that’s incomplete – a great shirt or skirt that doesn’t go with anything else in your closet, but you get it anyway because it’s just right for you. And then, later on, when you find the complementary piece to go with it…well, there’s your medal.
Today I am at the mall to buy a couple of new outfits because I desperately need the confidence booster. Faith told me that she and the others are coming to Sunnydale for a while. That means I’ll be seeing Spike and Dawn. As I haven’t seen them since my disastrous non-attempt at communication in L.A. a few weeks ago…I’m understandably nervous about this. I so badly want to try to make things better with both of them, and there’s so much to overcome that I still have no clue where to start. Thinking about even seeing them makes me nervous. Thinking about actually talking to either one of them makes me want to puke. Anya’s been encouraging me to practice talking out loud to them. I can usually make it to either name before the intense urge to run to the bathroom and vomit takes over. And that’s without the benefit of alcohol. When I’ve been drinking and have attempted this, the urge to vomit usually wins out. Hence the sober practice lately. Once you clean up your own mess a time or two…well, it’s a pretty strong deterrent to repeating that particular behavior. So, I had started practicing in front of the mirror and I happened to notice that I’ve been looking frumpy lately. I haven’t been going out much, although I’m making some attempts – with Anya’s help – to be more sociable. Anyway, I finally saw that my hair really needed new highlights, my nails desperately needed a manicure, and I could use a new outfit or two while I’m at it. All things designed to help me feel better about myself so that I can actually have some confidence to try to be a better me and make amends. So, I’m here at the mall today and I’ve already gotten my nails and hair done. The hair looks really good, too, if I do say so myself. I’m going to have to remember that girl’s name because she did a great job on both the cut and the color. And the importance of finding a good hairdresser is a whole other rant that I’m not getting into today! Back to me…I was so pleased by how good I look that I even treated myself to a massage at the spa. Now I’m totally relaxed and having a blast shopping the day away. So far I’ve found a great pair of jeans, a really cute pair of sandals, two sexy tops for going out, a new lightweight jacket for the cooler weather coming up, and some pretty new underwear. After all, it’s very important to feel attractive on every level. After Victoria’s Secret, I decide to hit Petite Sophisticate. I’ve decided to buy some more elegant clothes today to go with my new grown-up approach. Not that I’ve actually been a successful grown-up yet…
Wait! Not true, Buffy. Stop the negative self-talk!! Anya’s been lecturing me lately on the importance of self-talk and how by telling yourself positive stuff you can actualize these things into reality. Well, now’s as good a time as any to practice that. Hmm, let’s see. I initiated a friendship with Anya because I was willing to really get to know her. I sold my childhood home and moved into my very first apartment. I have a job that I actually rather enjoy and I’m looking at going back to school again. I’m managing my time successfully so that I can slay and still have a life. I’ve started the painful process of examining my past mistakes and trying to learn from them. I’m attempting to work up the courage to make amends with the two people I’ve hurt the most. And I’ve even taken the time to see my friends and Angel in a different light and realize that I can’t live my life to make them happy. I’ve got to live for me, and if they’re really my friends, then they’ll support me in that. Wow. Those are all very mature steps on my part. How ‘bout that? I am growing up. Who knew? Yay, me! With a new spring in my step, I continue on my way.
I’m pleasantly surprised by how pretty the clothes are in this store. I was half-convinced that they’d be stuffy and uncomfortable, but I can feel adult and still be beautiful in most of this stuff. After picking out two dresses that I love, a few tops and a skirt, I make my way back to the dressing rooms. I’ve saved the dresses for last because they’re my favorites, but so far, I’m sold. Most of this stuff fits me great and is really flattering. Not that it’s stuff I could patrol in or anything, but I’m going to be going on job interviews and stuff like that one of these days, and I could so pull that off in these clothes. I slide the blue strapless dress on and am totally blown away by how good it looks on me. Not to be immodest or anything! I rarely wear blue anymore, and I’m suddenly wondering why it’s not been in my closet lately. Because blue is such a great color for me. With my tan and the new highlights, I feel absolutely gorgeous. The dress is tea-length and I’m struck by the desire to see it from all angles. I’m pretty sure there was a spot just inside the dressing area where you could view yourself in three mirrors at once. Leaving everything else where it is, I open the door and sashay my way down the hall. I’m about to round the corner when I hear a voice that stops me in my tracks. I tiptoe a few steps closer and peer around the edge. And sure enough, there’s Spike sitting on a chair just outside the dressing room entrance hollering to Faith to get her ‘sweet arse into gear and come show us the goods.’
I can’t move. I’m frozen in place by the sight of him. And then a door opens on the other side of the waiting area and out steps Faith looking drop-dead gorgeous. She’s wearing a black sleeveless evening gown. And although my dress is really pretty and I still know that I look good, Faith puts me to shame at the moment. She looks elegant and sophisticated and I suddenly feel like a little girl playing dress-up. Faith has reached the spot I was originally aiming for and is admiring the view with a critical eye. I don’t know what she thinks there is to disapprove of though. She’s stunning and no one could possibly say otherwise. Spike obviously agrees with me judging by the low wolf whistle and appreciative looks. Faith blushes, but smiles happily when he starts going on about how beautiful she is. And then the picture is completed when Dawn walks into the dressing room carrying a couple of dresses and saying something about finding some outfits she thinks Faith should try on. When she looks up and catches sight of Faith, her smile is luminous as she adds her words of praise. And it breaks my heart – not because they’re both admiring Faith. Oh, no, I totally agree with them! Faith grew up to become a breathtakingly beautiful woman and I don’t even begin to compete with her anymore. It’s not that at all. It’s just that they are so happy for her and proud of her and it shows. And I know that they both wanted to share that with me once, but I blew it. And I’m looking at what could have been mine – can’t say should when I screwed up, can I? – and for the first time ever, I’m left holding the bag (shopping, that is) and feeling like a loser rather than a winner. Some times life just sucks like that.
Sunnydale Mall
Sunnydale, CA
Faith POV:
You know those fairy tales that you hear growing up? Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and the like? Well, those are complete and total bullshit. Seriously, I’ve known that since I was a little kid. Even at the tender age of five, all I had to do was look around me and I knew that life was no fairy tale. No matter how you slice it, life is all about the Haves and the Have-Nots. And I know that a lot of people think I mean money, but it’s more than that. I can still remember being jealous of the other kids who had a dad at home. To me, that represented a certain measure of security and I would have given a lot to have that. But I never did, and although a lot of those fairy tale chicks were also screwed over in this department, their lives changed for the better. Mine never did, and that was how I knew that fairy tales were full of lies. And I couldn’t afford to believe the lies if I wanted to hold on to my sanity. Instead I developed a thick protective skin and hid the pain I felt most days. Life went on in a blur of misery until I became a Slayer. That was when things changed for me. At first, I thought that a fairy tale-like gift had been given to me. I was suddenly a Have because I had power and ability that no one else had. I felt special for the first time in a really long time. When I came to Sunnydale and met B, my gift was a bit tainted in my eyes. Not because there were two Slayers – I was cool with that. It was because she had everything that I had never had and always wanted AND she was the Slayer. That rubbed me the wrong way, because Slaying was really ALL I had. What’s funny is that if given the choice, I would have traded the Slaying gig in a heartbeat to have the family and friends that Buffy had. She was the Have and I was the Have-Not.
Today that’s all changed. I’m the Have and Buffy is the Have-Not…where family and friends are concerned anyway. And I didn’t take that away from her. She lost them on her own. But where once I would have gloated over that, I am no longer the jealous girl that envied her Slayer sister. I know what it’s like to be the Have-Not and desperately want till it hurts. Which is why I feel so much for her situation right now. This isn’t like last time at all. I want to try to help Buffy heal her relationships with Spike and Dawn. And where before I would have felt threatened by the thought of sharing people important to me with her… Now I am secure in my own relationships and can honestly want to see things change for the better. Talk about a 180° for me! As I smile from Spike’s and Dawn’s compliments, I do a complete 360° before the mirrors and I catch sight of Buffy watching us. The expression on her face says it all, and I can’t help but feel her pain. It’s not fun being on the outside looking in, which is why I call out in greeting to her. There’s a look of panic in her eyes, but I don’t allow her to run away. Instead I’m walking over and pulling her out to stand in front of the mirror with me, hoping that Spike and Dawn will play nice today. B seems very fragile emotionally where those two are concerned, and I totally get why, but the healing has to start somewhere. My Slayer sister is a bit like a scared animal at the moment. Her eyes are darting every way and I just know that she’s looking for a way out of this, but I don’t let her escape. I make her spin in front of the mirror, even though she’s blushing so heavily it looks like she has fever, and I want to make that better for her. So I start with the compliments and they come rolling easily off my tongue because she looks awesome. That dress was just made for her!
Apparently that was exactly what she needed to hear, because she looks up at me with a smile and I can see how much she appreciates that sentiment. And then Spike is stepping up next to us and graces B with a very flattering once-over, before informing her that although she’s always been beautiful to him…she looks especially amazing today. I think for a moment that she might cry, particularly when Spike calls her ‘luv’ but she holds it together although her smile is still a bit tremulous. Then she dares a glance at Dawn who has had a slew of emotions cross her face in the past few minutes, but I’m really proud of Dawn in this moment. She agrees with our assessment and tells Buffy that she looks beautiful and should wear blue more often. I know for a fact that Dawn is still mad at Buffy (although I suspect that her anger is mostly a defense mechanism at this point) so this is admirable for her. I make a special point to smile approvingly and flash her a thumbs-up behind Buffy’s back. But I don’t want things to get awkward, which they easily could, and this is very much not the place for a heavy heart-to-heart. So, I mostly carry the conversation for the next few minutes – talking about the house we’ve rented, asking her what she’s up to, and so on. When it looks like things are going to drag, I suggest that Spike and Dawn go finish their shopping and decide on dinner while I look at B’s other finds and finish up myself. I can honestly say that I have never seen her look at me so gratefully before today. After the others leave and we’re alone, B seems to be on the verge of collapse emotionally. Wow, she’s more fragile than I thought! I grab my stuff and we head back to her dressing room where she slides down the wall as soon as I shut the door. And although I’m doing much better with being sensitive to feelings and such these days, I’m still very alarmed by the tears flowing down her cheeks before she hits the floor! What do I do now?
Whew! Turns out they were tears of relief and gratitude as I learn a few minutes later. Buffy has apparently been totally dreading seeing Spike and Dawn again and was thankful for my presence just now. Never thought I’d be the calming influence in any situation, and that makes me smirk! Which of course Buffy notices, so I have to explain it to her. She looks surprised for about two seconds and then she starts giggling and soon we’re both rolling hysterically. Didn’t know that laughter could be so cathartic. Is that the right word? I’m trying to work on my vocabulary these days…for Wesley. Not because he’s said or done anything to make me feel stupid! On the contrary, he makes me feel like my thoughts and views are the most interesting ones he’s ever heard. It’s just that he’s so smart that it makes me want to better myself. And he makes me believe that I can learn or do anything…even got me to seriously think about my education and I decided to finish high school. Since Dawn emancipated herself, she doesn’t have a diploma either. Once she heard what I was thinking, she decided to do it with me, so we’re both studying these days. It’s nice to have someone to study with, particularly when you’ve never had very good study habits in the past. I started with my vocabulary, and I’m taking practice GED tests right now. I’m even considering taking a couple of college courses once I get that GED out of the way. And I never would have seen myself doing all this, but I am and I feel good about it. And I didn’t realize I was talking out loud until just now, but it turns out that Buffy is all for it. Turns out she’s been doing stuff for herself these days too. We end up sitting in that little cramped dressing room for like half an hour or so just catching up on the good things we’re doing for ourselves. And it’s funny how excited we honestly are for each other. Sounds silly, but it’s true. And I can tell she feels the same way. I guess the one downside of being the Slayer is that the answer is usually physical, but B and I are trying to change that, and it feels good!
We finally leave the store after paying for our purchases and head over to the Espresso Pump for a coffee. Spike and Dawn are still shopping and will probably be a while as they’re at the Music Wherehouse. Those two could get lost in that place and when they start talking about the Ramones and the Sex Pistols, I’m as lost as B is there. So, she and I decide to get a latte and Anya pops in (literally) to join us. After I clean up my spilled latte – which Anya kindly replaced to apologize for startling me with that teleportation bit – the three of us sit and chat for a bit, and it’s really nice. I’ve never had girlfriends before…at any age. I was always a misfit when it came to that. Always told myself it was no big deal, but it hurt, and I never knew how nice it could be until now. So, by the time we are ready to part ways for the evening, my mind is made up. I’m going to have to start working on Spike and Dawn both to be open to some kind of reconciliation with Buffy, because I’d like to do this more often and I don’t want it to be always awkward when those guys are in the same room together. As I say goodbye, B surprises me with an impulsive hug and a heartfelt Thanks before she and Anya leave. And I surprise myself by being very okay with this very public display of affection. Heading back to the rental house to meet the others for dinner, I have a song in my heart and a smile on my face. For the first time in a long time, I feel really good about things. I know that there’s still a lot to deal with and figure out, and some of it is probably very serious, but at the moment I am totally light-hearted and positive about the future.
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Dawn POV:
You know how on TV and movies, whenever someone brings up déjà vu, it’s in relation to remembering a lost love or realizing the significance of the clue that cracks the case? Or something as equally hokey, but it’s almost always a good thing? Unless you’re watching a soap, of course, in which case you’re remembering things from before you had amnesia or were brainwashed. Then it’s kind of on the creepy side. WELL, no one ever mentions that déjà vu can be a very unsettling experience. Particularly when you’re recalling fake memories implanted by a bunch of well meaning but poorly guided monks. Take a couple of days ago, for example. There we are at the mall, having fun…laughing…joking around…all in all – a darn good day. We head into a shop to get a dress for Faith for her upcoming big ‘First Date’ with Wesley (more on that in a minute!) and it sparks a memory. But it’s not until I’m running back into the dressing room with more outfits for Faith – stupid 6-item limit anyway – that I know what that is. As I walk in and see Faith twirling slowly in front of the three-way mirror, it hits me, and I’m struck with an oddly overwhelming melancholy. In my memories, Buffy and I did this exact same thing and we were laughing and having fun and I was teasing her about her date for the Hemery High dance that was cute as could be but kind of stupid in an oafish athletic way. The reality is that the only time Buffy and I went to the mall together was when Mom forced her to take me school shopping a couple of times and when I had to return some shoplifted stuff a while back. A far cry from the material of my memories, to be sure.
Anyway, all that’s just passed through my mind when Faith spots Buffy for real and brings her out to join us. I’m not sure who was the most ill at ease with that whole scene. Only Faith seemed to be comfortable in any sense of the word. But I was a big girl and managed to be pleasant to my sister, whom I haven’t seen since her trip to L.A. and whom I haven’t spoken to really for months before I left. Well, I spoke occasionally. She didn’t listen, or if she did, she gave me no indication whatsoever that she heard anything I said. And I get that she had been dead, and it was rough for her. Being torn out of Heaven has to suck in any circumstance. Being torn out by ungrateful friends that didn’t do anything to help you adjust and expected you to solve all their problems, must have sucked beyond the telling of it. And I’ve dealt with some of my anger at Buffy over how she ignored me during that time…I really have. She was depressed to begin with, and it’s not like anyone at home was helping out financially, so she must have had all kinds of stress regarding finances and stuff, not to mention slayage and world-saving on a regular basis. I get that and I appreciate the seriousness of those issues. I can understand why I didn’t come first on her priorities at that time. And I’ve come to terms with that. What I don’t understand and have yet to forgive her for is the fact that I didn’t even register on her scale. It wasn’t that I was third or even eighth on her list. I didn’t make the cut beyond ‘obligation’ and ‘burden’ and she let me know that in every way she could during that time. Social freaking services was going to take me away and all she could tell me to do was stop skipping school! Give me a break. How about talking to me, sister of mine? Listening, for once? Or maybe just acknowledging my presence as your only family? Or as a human being with feelings too? I mean, I lost my mother and my sister in the space of a couple of months. It’s not like our father had been around for the past few years before that, and he remained true to form during that time, pretending like we didn’t exist. I was literally an orphan! The only person who was there for me at all before Buffy came back was Spike…and Tara. I have to give Tara credit for making sure that I had clean clothes and balanced meals. And she actually talked to me, unlike the others – who couldn’t seem to look at me. I always felt like they blamed me on some level for Buffy – the sister who they loved – being gone. But Tara never made me feel like I was a second choice. She showed me real affection, just not all the time, because she was with Willow and that’s a full-time job. Talk about needy! Willow has always demanded a lot of attention. And that stems from insecurity, I’m sure. So, it’s no wonder that Tara didn’t have as much time for me, and that’s okay. I appreciate that she at least cared and treated me like a person. I might as well not have existed where the other Scoobies were concerned. Although, to be fair to Anya, she didn’t so much ignore me in particular as she ignored everything in favor of running the Magic Box. And since Giles was a depressed wreck of a man during that time, there was a lot of pressure on her to do just that. But the original Scoobies – Giles, Willow, and Xander – some of Buffy’s closest friends… Wouldn’t you think that they would have looked out for little sister out of love for Buffy’s memory or something? ‘Cause I sure wasn’t feeling the love back then!
The only one who made me feel truly safe and loved was Spike. And sure he was occasionally violently graphic with his descriptions of what he’d do to me when I scared him, but it only showed me how much he cared…because he was scared of losing me. I came first with Spike, and he was already family to me, but that summer cemented it. Then Buffy came back, and I didn’t know why at first, but Spike wasn’t coming around as much. And I knew it had to do with Buffy, but back then I just thought it was because he was worried about her and spending more time with her. He still managed to make time for me – checked in to see how I was doing, if I needed help with homework, etc. And I was back in school, so I did have contact with friends on a daily basis. When I overheard Buffy telling Spike to stay away from me, I was shocked by how hateful she was to him. When I learned about their affair, that made more sense, but at the time I was angry at her for a whole other set of reasons. She couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge that she had a sister most days, and she was going to dare to try to keep my only other family away from me? Bitch! And I still feel that way about that topic. I get that there were problems and stress and a number of other factors affecting my sister back then. But I was sixteen freaking years old, for crying out loud. I’m trying to watch the F-word these days. Spike’s been getting after me about cursing again, which would be funny as well as hypocritical of him, if he weren’t so damned sincere about it. Those Victorian manners come out at the oddest times. Anyway, like I was saying, I was only a teenager and one that was still in school, at that. Kind of couldn’t work here. Kind of still a minor. Kind of dependent on the adults in my life to provide for me and take care of things. Well, my sister flunked in every area of my life when it came to that. Actions do speak a lot louder than words. And the occasional lip-service she gave never really measured up… Not when you consider that she would walk off in the middle of me talking to her. Not when she rarely came home and hardly ever acknowledged my presence when she was home. Not when she tried to keep away the person who cared the most about me and treated me best. Not when she took no interest in me or anything that was going on in my life beyond fussing if I got in the way. And if life is that hard, then get help, damn it. If you need help financially, ask for it. Ask your ‘tenants’ for rent. Ask the Council for a salary or a stipend if they want you to have time to Slay. Or tell them to bust their other Slayer out of jail if they can’t pony up the dosh. Giles gave her some money once, but it didn’t go very far, and what was he supposed to do? Support us? Give me a break. But Willow and Tara were living there rent-free for months and although Tara kept up with the work around the house, Willow never lifted a finger…unless it was in conjunction with a spell, that is! I know for a fact that Spike offered her money and she refused it. Never even asked him where it was from. And if the possible ‘illegal source’ was really her problem with taking money from him, wouldn’t you think she would have at least asked, especially considering that she was desperate enough to get a job flipping burgers? And how bizarre is it that she never once clued in to the fact that the ‘evil soulless fiend’ was the only one besides her Watcher that even noticed our money troubles, let alone offered to do anything about it. And her friends totally knew. I heard Anya give her a financial breakdown in front of everyone right after she got back. And considering that they still thought she had been in hell, how selfish were they not to offer to help?
So, yeah, I’m still peeved at Buffy for a few things, like putting her selfish friends above me…like making me feel like I was nothing more than a burden to her. That was awful to feel like I wasn’t loved. And I still feel that way where she’s concerned. And considering all the issues my sister has with rejection, you’d think she’d understand where I’m coming from. Why I’m hesitant to even think about the possibility of letting her get close enough to hurt me again. What’s that old saying? Once bitten, twice shy. Or fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me. Both fit. And I’m not stupid. I can see that she’s making some effort at changing. She wouldn’t be living with Anya, if she wasn’t. And the two times I’ve seen her, she’s been subdued and unsure and totally unlike the bitchy sister I recall. It’s just that I don’t trust her not to hurt me again…or Spike either for that matter. I haven’t seen anything on her part that makes me want to take a chance with her. And she’s going to have to give me something solid to work with there before I’ll be willing to risk it. I’m hopeful that Spike won’t take unnecessary chances with her either. I know he still loves her. Even without the necklace, I can tell from the way he reacted when he saw her the other day and afterward. He and I haven’t talked about it yet. We both needed some time to process. And it’s his heart and totally his prerogative if he decides to do anything with her, but I hope he’ll be smart about it and not give her the power to hurt him again. Because she hurt him worse than anyone else ever has, I think. Even Angel and Dru have nothing on Buffy in that department. I should talk to him about all that and see where his head is right now, just to make sure he’s thinking clearly. Maybe tonight. Wes and Faith will be out on their first date, and just how sweet is that? And that Elke chick arrives in a couple of days, so I think tonight might be the best time for me and him to talk alone. Oooh, I am so ordering Chinese for us. Where is that menu?
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Wes POV:
If asked years ago, or even weeks ago, I would have denied that I could have ever – under ANY circumstances at all – even considered the possibility of dating Faith. It was not a subject that would have been laughable. It was absurd and out of the question and much more likely to happen in a parallel but opposite dimension. What does Dawn call that? Oh, yes… bizarro world! Well, apparently that’s where I live now, because the unimaginable has happened and then some. Not only are Faith and I going out on our first official date tonight, but I also think I’m on the verge of falling in love with her. And I fear that if I give my heart to her…I will never get it back. She will own me for all eternity whether she wants me or not. And that is a truly terrifying notion, indeed. I have experienced unrequited love on more than one occasion and recently with Fred. But Faith is a far cry from Fred, and I am thankful for that every day. Fred had the intellect and I was intrigued as much by her mind as attracted to her demure beauty. Realizing that she did not see me in that manner at all was such a blow. I had fancied that she and I were kindred souls and she rejected that notion outright. I gave up on love at that point. If someone who is so like you cannot love you, then who can? Forming a family with Spike and Dawn helped to repair my battered self-esteem. They touched my heart and that saved me more than they will likely ever realize. But it is Faith that has truly touched my soul.
She came back from traveling dimensions a different person. As a woman, she is quite simply the most gorgeous and amazing person I have ever laid eyes on. She has overcome so much of what was in her past – things I never knew or cared to learn about her before now. Faith has the most incredible soul. She has this fighting spirit that never really gives up, even when she was down and out before…she managed to come back. And every day that I get to spend with her makes me more and more grateful that she did come back – from the childhood abuse, the low self-esteem, the murder, the time in jail, and especially from dimension hopping. If she hadn’t made it back here, I never would have known what I was missing. It never would have occurred to me that she would be someone I could and should take interest in or get to know or even have in my life on any level at all. But I have gotten to know her and she’s quickly become the most important person in my world – other than Dawn and Spike, of course. And it’s precisely because of that, I am scared stiff of what happens next. I have always done better in the ‘friends’ department than in the ‘boyfriend’ one. Apparently I’ve been a dismal failure there, as evidenced by my depressingly consistent lack of a love-life. What if I botch this up? If I wrong-step tonight, I could bugger the whole thing royally and never get another chance.
I’m staring at myself in the mirror and I look like I want to throw up and I feel that way truly. Oh, god, this was a mistake. I’ll mess it up. I always do. Maybe it’s not too late to call it off, huh? I could say that I’m sick, and I think they would all believe me if they could see me at this moment. How bad would it be if I did that? Would I lose her as a friend by disappointing her like that? Of course, I’m likely to screw it all up anyway and then things will be awkward between us. I’m completely buggered either way! This is a disaster. Why did I ask her out? WHY?!? Breathe, Wesley…breathe. That’s Spike knocking on the door telling me that Faith is nearly ready to come down. I start hyperventilating when I hear that, and that damn vampire hearing picks up on it! Spike is through the door in one second, and spots what is wrong in the next. He actually smiles at me – the Bastard! I’m overcome with rage that he is less than sympathetic to my plight, and my anger quickly outweighs my fear. It’s only after I have started to berate him that I realize he is now smirking. He knows me all too well, and that was definitely the best way to get me over the first hurdle. I start to say something, but he just smiles knowingly – which makes me want to deal him a very firm blow to the face at this very moment – and says something about how I’d be a fool to let fear keep me from going out with Faith, and that I’m anything but a fool. That bolstered my flagging ego and relieved me of the strong urge to punch my dear friend. Two birds with one stone! Egad, now I’m thinking in pithy statements. I desperately need a drink, which is immediately produced by Spike. As we chug the mini-bottles of Jack that he carries everywhere these days – although when he stole them from the airplane is a total mystery – I finally feel the panic fully retreating, and I am so relieved that I could cry or laugh. I decide to take the manly route and let out what is supposed to be a deep chuckle, but emerges more as a hysterical giggle. That sets us both off laughing uproariously and I don’t know when we would have stopped, except that movement catches my eye and I look up to see Faith descending the stairs.
My laughter vanishes as I behold the vision before me. I’m mesmerized by her grace and beauty. When she reaches the bottom of the stairs, I bow and kiss her hand and only after do I look up and meet her eyes. What a relief to see that she is as nervous as I am about this. Recognizing that in each other relaxes us both and we smile shyly. I could have been happy to spend the evening just staring into her eyes and holding her hand, but Dawn is suddenly fluttering around us with a camera. And where in the world did that come from, I wonder? Spike’s unabashed grin names him as the culprit and I am seized by the strong urge to stick out my tongue at him. I maturely refrain until he makes an inane comment about ‘the kids all dressed up for prom’ and then I can no longer contain myself. That breaks any lingering tension as all four of us laugh and Faith and I begin striking silly poses that delight Dawn no end. However, when I notice Faith sticking her tongue out at Spike, my thoughts go to impure places and I have to call a quick halt to the picture session before anyone else notices my lightly burgeoning arousal. Grabbing our coats, I manage to cloak any incriminating evidence as I natter on about our reservations. I can see Spike smirking at me and I know the damn vampire has picked up on my reaction. Fortunately the girls seem oblivious as they chat lightly about Faith’s dress and how good her lipstick looks. Hmm, it does look good. Bloody hell, that was the wrong thing to pay attention to and I’m suddenly trying to call up images of my father in a tutu. Spike looks like the cat that ate the canary and I mentally promise him some good-natured but fully deserved retribution for this. Thankfully his comment about me ‘being happy I didn’t lose my lunch or I wouldn’t have the chance to lose my drawers’ is spoken low enough for only me to hear. And at that, I am the one sporting the shit-eating grin as I confidently and eagerly escort my lovely date out the door.
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Spike POV:
You know those little rats that are used in lab experiments? I swear I’ve been one in a previous life, because all the things that happen to me bloody reek of being someone’s soddin’ guinea pig and it’s so déjà vu for me that I just know I’ve lived it before now. There’s just no other explanation that I can see. I’ve spent both my entire life and unlife being subjected to a series of trials and tribulations that never end – just morph into something or someone new. If it’s not society’s hoops to jump through then it’s changing to please Dru or learning to read Angelus correctly so I can survive another day. And if behavior modification isn’t enough for the PTB’s favorite vamp to fuck with, well then…let’s try some pain/pleasure stimulus tests, shall we? Drop an organ on him and let him watch his love throw him aside for another while he’s helpless to stop it. Think those responses were interesting, well then, why not investigate his responses to other hardships? And if emotional trials aren’t enough, well then we can always introduce a permanent pain stimulus factor and see how that turns out. Even Pavlov eventually rewarded the dog. When do I get a reward? When do the tests stop? When is it ever enough?
Bloody hell. I shouldn’t complain, really. I do have rewards in my life – Niblet, Wes, Faith, Angel (surprise, surprise), Connor, the gang at AI, a bloody profitable business that I’m right proud of, to be honest. So I don’t have a woman, so what? Could have me a woman if I wanted one. Could go out there and pick up some bloody chit to shag senseless…and maybe I should do that. Maybe it’d relieve some of this blasted tension I feel these days. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am…I’d just like to actually be able to enjoy it for a while. Instead I’ve got to go be part of this buggering imbrigatt. I still can’t believe what’s expected of me. There’s a big part of me that really wants Elke to show up and tell me it wasn’t Joyce that I saw. Then at least I’d have some choice in the matter. ‘Cause if it is Joyce, then there’s no way I won’t do it. Did that statement end up being positive or negative? Can’t keep my own thoughts straight these days – running in circles and doin’ loop-de-loops all over the place. My heart tells me that it was Joyce I saw and I just can’t refuse the first Summers to ever befriend me. My head tells me that this imbrigatt is exactly what the Powers That Fuck With You would think of for me next. Elke doesn’t get here till day after tomorrow, but I’m bloody well convinced that I know how it’s goin’ down already. Which means that I’ve got to come clean with the others about the details of the imbrigatt. I haven’t told anyone yet ‘cause I needed to process first and I was kind of hopin’ I wouldn’t have to go through with it. Doesn’t sound like a walk in the park exactly and I still don’t see what the point is… Anyway, I can’t put it off any longer. Wes & Faith are out and Dawn’s building us the biggest soddin’ sundae I’ve ever seen. Where does she put all that food? Girl must have a hollow leg…and possibly a hollow arm or two. I didn’t want to ruin Wes & Faith’s evening, so I decided to talk to them tomorrow. But I knew I had to tell Dawn first and privately, as it will probably hit her the hardest. Don’t know that she’ll take it well at all. Only one way to find out. Time to pony up, Spike, m’ boy. She’s just a teenager. Nothing to be afraid of, right?
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Dawn POV:
What the Fuck? You have got to be kidding me! And I’ll stop cussing some other time, thank you very much. That little tidbit of information totally deserves a huge round of curse words and I’ll be damned if I’ll stem the flow ‘till I’ve vented to my satisfaction. How could Spike not have told me about this before now? Although…this certainly does explain some things about his emotional state lately. Spike’s been blocking me from getting more than a vague sense of unease from him ever since England. Now I know why. And I’m kind of freaking out here. I get that if it was my mom who asked Spike to do this, then he’s going to go through with it, no matter what. And I trust my mom totally, so I’d probably do the same thing. But don’t we at least deserve some kind of explanation for why he should have to go through something like this other than ‘it’s important to the future that you do this’? I mean, come on, give me a break! That’s an awful lot to take on faith here, and I don’t know that I’m willing to take those risks. This is Spike we’re talking about and I just got him back. Now they want to send him off on a mission that he might not return from? If anyone can do this, it’s definitely Spike, but what a task. It scares me to think of him doing this and now I’m suddenly hoping that it wasn’t my mom. I do get why Spike didn’t tell me – he knew I’d freak out, and I so totally am. But I’m not mad at him. I am completely pissed off at the Powers That Be, however. What gives them the right to fuck with my best friend like this? Go pick on someone else for a change, you bastards! Spike has done so much to change and to help others…he got his soul back, he spent 10 years finding and protecting Connor to bring him home safe…and even before the soul he was working for the ‘white hats’ as he calls it. Doesn’t he deserve some kind of consideration for all that? But no, they want to put him through the wringer – literally this time. And I’m crying now – tears of anger, tears of fear, tears that I don’t think will stop any time soon. And then Spike is holding me tight and promising me that he won’t do this unless he has to and if he does, then he’ll make it back to me no matter what it takes. And even though I hear the unspoken part that if it was mom, then that means he has to do this…well, I also hear his promise to come back to me. Spike always keeps his word to me. So I suck it up and sniff loudly. He hands me a tissue and I realize that I probably look gross – I can feel snot and tears both running down my face. But I really don’t care as I blow my nose fiercely and tell him that he damn well better come home to me or I’ll come after him. I can tell he’s touched, impressed and a bit scared by that sentiment. But I totally mean it. Spike is mine and the PTB aren’t allowed to take him away from me. I am the Key, after all, and if he doesn’t come back on his own this time, I will so open every doorway that exists to get him back.
I’m so preoccupied by my thoughts of this that I totally forget to broach the subject of my sister with Spike. We spend the next hour curled up on the couch talking. ‘Course I end up falling asleep in his arms and when he tries to put me to bed later on, I guess I refused to let go of him. I discover this the next morning when I wake up in my clothes from the night before still clutching Spike’s t-shirt like my life depends on it. Judging by the fact that my nails have dug little holes in his shirt, I guess he decided it was easier to pull a sheet over us and lay down with me…or maybe he just knew how much I needed him to hold me. Then again, maybe he needed that contact as much as I did. He’s still asleep and I lay there looking at him for a time just thinking about things. And it occurs to me that I love this man so much. He’s my family and I hate that he’s suffered so much and it doesn’t look like it’s going to end any time soon. And I hate that even more. He deserves some happiness and some rest. Well, he’s resting now, but he hasn’t been truly happy for a long time. I mean, I know he’s pleased with the friendships he’s developed this past year with Wes, Faith, Angel and his gang... I know he loves me and our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. And I know he’s really proud of the business we’ve built together. But he’s still got that lonely spot romantically speaking. And he deserves to have a woman who will love him for the good man he is. So I decide then and there that I’m going to devote my efforts to helping him out in that area. I know he still has feelings for Buffy. Spike isn’t the kind of guy who can turn off his emotions. Once you’re in his heart, you’re there to stay. He still cares for Dru, for Pete’s sake and that skank-ho totally doesn’t deserve for him to care about her anymore. So, I know he still cares for Buffy. I just don’t know to what degree. And I don’t know how Buffy feels about him. But if he still wants her and IF she’s changed enough to treat him right and IF there’s a way for them to be together without him getting hurt again… Well, I guess I can be a big girl and put aside my anger at Buffy long enough to help them work through things. I love Spike enough to do that. I’m going to have to talk to Spike about this and feel him out on the topic before I do anything, of course. And I’ll talk to Faith, too. She probably has a better handle on Buffy than any of the rest of us these days. Speaking of Faith, I wonder what time she and Wesley got home last night? And with that much more pleasant thought in mind, I jump out of bed and run downstairs to see if she’s up yet so I can get the scoop on the Big Date.
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Faith POV:
I never got why any woman would pay good money to see a romantic movie. Hello, it’s fake! Every bit of it. There are no “nice guys” out there who will treat you right and love you forever. Fairy tales are still just that. The handsome guy doesn’t sweep in and rescue you from all your problems. Life just doesn’t work like that, so why encourage such a foolish dream? It’s just another way to get let down in the end. Not for me, no thank you. Give me an action flick with plenty of violence any day over that bullshit. Or even a comedy. I like to laugh. But, please, don’t ever expect me to see a movie about ‘true love’ and ‘happy endings’ when all I want to do is toss my cookies at the very thought of it. Smart girls know better than to get sucked into the hype. Well, apparently all my brain cells got sucked out last night by several incredible hours with Wes. Add me to the dreamers, honey!! Because I suddenly want nothing more than to go out and rent every soppy chick flick that I’ve ever passed up. I bet I could watch every last one of them without snorting or rolling my eyes. And not a single one would even begin to compare to my evening with Wesley. And I just let out a breathy little sigh at the thought of it. Hell, I didn’t know I could make that noise! How ‘bout that?
I was still a bit unsure of this whole ‘dating’ thing when I got dressed last night. When Wes asked me out originally, it took me a minute or two to realize he was actually serious. I mean, guys never ask me out on a date! They just want one thing from me, and it doesn’t require dinner and a movie to get it. Or at least, that’s always been my experience in the past. But Wes was so sincere about wanting to take me out and treat me like a lady that I had to say yes. Then I started to get a little bit excited about it. Going shopping and buying a nice dress was surprisingly fun. And I was totally looking forward to the big night until about a day and a half beforehand. Then it suddenly hit me that this was real, and I began to worry that Wes would come to his senses and realize that I wasn’t worth all the trouble. And then I worried that even if he did realize the truth of the matter that he would be too polite to say anything, so we would end up going out and he wouldn’t want to be there and I would know it and it would be awkward and uncomfortable. And it was making me sick to my stomach, let me tell you. I seriously considered either backing out of the date or just going to his room the night before and screwing his brains out. Then he wouldn’t feel obligated to pretend like I was some kind of lady or something. But I was scared that if I did that then I would ruin what we have, and even though it makes me nervous to think about what could go wrong and how I could screw it up… No one has ever treated me as well as Wes has since Spike & Connor and I got back to this dimension. And I really didn’t want to give that up! So I screwed up my courage instead of screwing him, and I acted like this was normal for me to get dressed up for a dinner date with a gentleman. Dawn was helping me with my hair and talking about how beautiful I looked when I realized that I was about to burst into tears. I had to grab a tissue before I ruined my makeup and Dawn looked a bit alarmed until I explained that I had never been this happy before and I was scared that it wouldn’t last. And I’ve never been good with the emotional stuff and it’s kind of a lot to deal with all at once. She smiled and hugged me and told me that Wes was ‘ga-ga’ over me which made us both giggle at her choice of words. Then she went on to say that Wes looks at me the way that Spike used to look at Buffy before all the bad stuff happened between them. And although that was a sobering thought, we both shook it off for after a moment. Dawn said that Wes looks at me with love in his eyes. And that was both the most wonderful and terrifying thought. No one has ever loved me before. Why would they? Why would he? I started to hyperventilate at that and Dawn jumped in front of my face and made me look right in her eyes as she proceeded to tell me that I was worthy of being loved and Wes was worth taking a chance with my heart. I took a deep breath and let it out softly. She was so totally right – about taking a chance on Wes anyway…it’ll probably take a lot more for me to feel loveable. But I’m getting better about it. I didn’t push away my new friends, er family, when they invited me to be a part of them. That’s a step in the right direction. Going out with Wes is another.
So, I wipe my eyes and we fix my makeup and before you can blink it’s time to go downstairs. Wes is waiting for me and I allow myself to look into his eyes and actually see for a change, and it blows me away. He is looking at me with his heart in his eyes, and I can’t help myself but to look back at him with my own heart. It only lasts a moment and then there are cameras and compliments and laughs. But that moment touched my soul and totally broke down my last protective barrier. I had let Spike and Connor in originally, but as family, ya know. Then came Dawn and Wes, but still as family. Now Wes has my heart in his hands as it hits me that I’ve fallen in love with this man. I just hope and pray that he’ll be gentle with my heart, or it might not ever heal if broken this time. The only thing keeping me from falling apart at this point is that I glimpsed his soul also and I know he’s as scared of this as I am. That gives me the courage to grab his arm and walk out the door with him. And it’s more than just going to dinner for me. It’s opening that last closed door. It’s opening the door to my heart. It’s acknowledging that I want to walk beside him always. I wonder what it means to him. And then I am shocked to realize that I’ve said all this aloud. I whip my head around to see him staring at me wide-eyed as we stop beside the car. He doesn’t say anything for a moment and I’m terrified that I’ve already messed it up beyond repair. Then he smiles at me softly and lowers his lips to mine. I didn’t know that kisses could be like that – soft, gentle, tender, loving. That was what got me – that single kiss made me feel loved like nothing else ever has. Then Wes is pulling back enough to tell me that he feels exactly the same way about me. And I can’t help the tears that leak out at that. He pulls out a handkerchief and wipes the tears away, taking care not to smudge my makeup. And I suddenly know that my heart is safe with this man. That Wes will cherish me and treat me as someone precious. And damn if I’m not talking out loud again as I say that his heart is safe with me also. Why can’t I keep my freaking trap shut? What is wrong with me that I’m suddenly so weepy and making these romantic declarations like I’m in the big love scene in one of those stupid chick flicks I hate so much. Well, apparently that’s exactly where we were, because before I even realize it, Wes is telling me that he’s fallen hopelessly in love with me and that if I’ll let him, he’ll take care of me. And even though I’ve always taken pride in being self-sufficient, I realize that I want him to take care of me and I want to take care of him. I’m saying the very scary words back to him before I even know that I’ve opened my big mouth again. And I am so startled by this that I have to take a step back – literally, which throws him off as he was getting ready to lay a big one on me. He starts to speak, but I gently lay a finger on his lips to shush him, and ask if we really just did that? Did we just say we loved each other? He grins and says ‘Yep…and on the first date, no less.’ And we both smile and then we’re laughing and hugging and I have never been this happy in my life. And Wes looks just as thrilled. And then he gets tender again and tells me he loves me and kisses me so sweetly. I could have stayed there all night in his arms, but my stomach growls LOUDLY, which kind of kills the mood, but gets us both giggling again. He opens the car door for me and we’re off to the best dinner of my life.
So I’m sitting here the next morning and fondly recalling how we were that sickeningly sweet couple last night. You know the one that makes everyone else jealous because they are so obviously in love with each other that it shows in everything they do and say? That was us, thank you very much! We had dinner, we danced, we laughed, we talked, we kissed. Boy did we kiss! That man made my knees go weak. No one has ever done that to me before. And I guess we could have slept together, but I wanted to enjoy this. I didn’t know that kissing and holding hands could make you feel so good. I was kind of nervous to bring it up, because…well…sex, ya know? But Wes totally got where I was coming from and assured me that although he totally wanted to “make love” to me (no one’s ever called it that), he wanted to enjoy this, too. And that when we do make love (and it will be making love - how cool is that?) that it will be that much sweeter for having waited. I can’t believe that not only does this incredible man love me, but he also thinks I’m worth waiting for. I’m the luckiest woman alive right now, and hey, what’s this? I’ve drawn little hearts on my toast with the jelly. I totally can’t stop smiling. And then Dawn is thundering down the stairs and into the kitchen. I swear that girl makes enough noise to wake the dead. Hope Spike sleeps through it – he’s a real bear when he’s woken up unnecessarily by loud noises. Dawn takes one look at me and breaks into the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. She orders me to tell her everything, and I swear I’ve been taken over by someone else. I must be a pod person or something, because I’m giggling and blushing and sharing with her. And I don’t do that! I’m not a silly romantic female. I’m not… Seriously, Dawn, I’m not! What’s that? All right already. I give. You’re right. I’ve become a romantic. I have been transformed into someone else by the power of Wes’s kiss. And doesn’t that statement crack Dawn up? She is so happy for me – for us – and it feels good to know that someone else is that excited for my good fortune. So I tell her about my wonderful date and she’s practically squealing in delight, when she catches sight of someone behind me and I turn around to see who it is. Wes is standing there smiling at us, and I get lost in his eyes. Everything else just falls away. I swear that I forget to breathe for a minute. God, I am hopelessly in love with this man. Then he smiles at me and I’m smiling back, and I remember that I am safe loving him. I jump up and run over to kiss him good morning, and he practically glows from my enthusiastic greeting. ‘Course I’m glowing, too. Then I remember Dawn and sure enough, she’s watching us and practically beaming with happiness for us. Then Spike comes up behind her and hugs her close to him and joins in the smile-fest. And I can’t remember ever feeling as complete as I do right this minute with the people I love best. I don’t want it to ever end.
Sunnydale, CA
Sunnydale Airport
Anya POV:
Is that stupid airplane ever going to get here? It feels like Buffy and I have been sitting here waiting forever. And yet, I can’t say that either one of us is completely ready to greet them yet. Giles, Xander and Willow are returning today and I am nervous at best, more than a bit nauseated at worst. It will be good to see Giles again. I’m kind of excited to talk to him actually. He showed so much trust in me these past few months with the decisions about the Magic Box and I can’t wait to show him how profitable the online business is already. I want him to know that his confidence in me was well-founded. And I have to admit that it will be nice to talk to him again. He was always such an intelligent man and interesting to talk to about most subjects. Unlike the rest of the Scoobies, he didn’t react much at all when I became a Vengeance Demon again. Just looked a bit surprised and took it all in stride. Of course, Willow was trying to kill us all at the time – and doing a decent job of it – so my transition paled a bit in importance. I’m curious to see how he interacts with me now. Giles knows that Buffy and I are living together, but I don’t know if he ever told Xander and Willow, or not. It’s not like Buffy or I have spoken to either of them all summer. All communication was through Giles, so I don’t know what’s going on with either one of them these days…other than what Giles has told us, which is not that much. Willow has completed her rehabilitative training. Her powers are restricted currently with Giles pulling the strings on how much access she has at any given time, but I don’t know what her state of mind is. Is she truly sorry for what she’s done? Has she come to terms with her own actions? Has she taken responsibility for what she did or will she shirk off the guilt like she has so many times in the past? I haven’t been able to sense any vengeance vibes from her since she broke down in Xander’s arms that day on the cliff, so maybe she’s really owned up to things this time. Heaven help us all if she hasn’t! Xander…I wonder most what is going on with him? His last words to me were during all the chaos, and as usual, they were all about him – how he was feeling inadequate, worried about Willow, disappointed in me…the usual. He didn’t even bother to say goodbye when he left with Giles and Willow. He only had eyes for Willow. It strikes me suddenly that no matter how many times he looked at me in the past, I was never the only one he had eyes for…ever. I am suddenly resolved that the next man I give my heart to will look at me and see me, only me, the real me, and love me for who I am – not try to change me into something else. And I am very pleased to realize that it doesn’t hurt me to think of Xander like it used to. I believe I’m finally over him. What a relief!
I am thrilled to realize that my nervousness at seeing Xander again has less to do with my own personal history with him and more to do with his possible reaction to the changes while he’s been away. Did Giles tell Xander or Willow that the house on Revello Drive was sold? Will they try to get Buffy to move in with them or will they accept the current living arrangements? Buffy and I have already discussed the fact that we’re not changing things to suit anyone else. And how will they all react to the presence of Spike, Faith, Dawn and Wes in town? Will they leave it alone, try to interfere, what? I hope they will let things be for once. I mean, they’ve been gone for months now and we’ve been just fine without them. Will they see that and respect the status quo or will they try to force their presence and opinions on everyone again? I hope for the first, but fear the last will be the case. And I know that the same concerns are going through Buffy’s head tenfold, which is why we got here early today and have been holed up in the airport lounge for the past hour drinking martinis. Nothing like a chocolate martini for some good old liquid courage! Just as I am congratulating myself on showing restraint and having only two drinks before facing the proverbial lion, I happen to look out the door of the lounge and see something that has me questioning how strong my drinks actually were. Because I could swear that I just saw Spike go past. I shake my head and of course he’s gone, but I’m pretty sure he was there, and now I have a dilemma. Do I tell my friend now or wait till after we see the others? Of course, I’ll tell her. It’s just a matter of when. I don’t want to upset her when she’s already nervous, but I don’t want her to be sideswiped if she sees him herself. I’ve been trying very hard to make conscientious decisions in regard to just about everything, but particularly where my friend is concerned. I really hated feeling like my feelings were never taken into consideration in the past, so I don’t want to treat Buffy the same way. I’m still debating what to do when I realize that I’ve been staring at the door for a few minutes and Buffy’s noticed and is turning around to stare over her shoulder and see what’s got me so fascinated. This being the Hellmouth, naturally Spike is walking back past the door at that exact moment. Only this time, he’s got someone with him…a female someone, and a very pretty one at that. I see Buffy’s eyes go wide as the rest of her face falls, and then the PA system is announcing the arrival of the flight we’ve been waiting on. Shit, here we go, ready or not…I think it’s not!
Sunnydale, CA
Sunnydale Airport
Buffy POV:
This totally sucks! How come every time I see Spike lately he’s in the company of a beautiful woman? What’s up with that anyway? Seriously, what happened to the vamp I knew that was always alone or possibly with Clem and his poker buddies? If there was a woman around, it was my mom or Dawn, not some random gorgeous girl. I just got over my jealousy (okay, I can admit that’s what it was) about Faith and Spike being close and I’m still working on the insecurity of comparing myself to Faith. Now there’s some other gorgeous skank-ho to contend with?!? What the hell? Who is she and why did Spike have his arm around her waist and why is she here and where did she come from? I want answers and I want them now, and as usual, I’m not going to get what I want, because I have to go greet a stupid plane with my stupid friends on it that deserted me for the whole stupid summer. And I really don’t want to see them all that much at the moment anyway. But Anya and I leave the comfort of the lounge and head over to baggage claim to wait for what is possibly going to be the single most awkward reunion in history.
I was right. Score one for the little blond girl. Talk about awkward. Giles joined us a few minutes ago with Xander and Willow in tow. Anya and I both hugged Giles and received warm hugs in return from him. As he turned toward the beltway to look for their bags, we faced my former school friends for the first time in months, and the only way to describe the situation was uncomfortable. Willow was clutching Xander’s hand like she might disappear if she let go for a second. Xander looked like he wanted to hug me but wasn’t sure about that and he didn’t make a move to do so with Anya there. And I didn’t particularly want to touch either one of them, truth be told. I don’t feel very friendly toward them these days. So much has happened and I’ve changed so much over the summer, and it’s not like it was and I don’t want to go back to that, and I don’t want to pretend by handing out happy hugs. So, instead, I just stand there and give a half-wave accompanied by a grimace masquerading as a smile. It doesn’t fool anyone and the four of us stand there for a long moment until Anya breaks the silence. God bless Anya and her openness. She starts the ball rolling by observing that Willow looks thin but sane and not evil at the moment, which was a definite improvement over the last time she had seen her. Xander looks like he might burst a vein at this comment, but when I burst out laughing instead, it startles everyone. Then I’m agreeing with Anya that she does look better and commenting that things have changed a lot and we all need some time to readjust and get to know each other again and maybe we can talk tomorrow after they’ve rested up from their flight. Xander looks suspicious – nothing new there – although he doesn’t say anything, which is surprising in and of itself, particularly when Anya and I link arms to go get the car and meet them outside, but Willow is shaking her head thoughtfully in agreement. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Just because we all grew up and grew apart doesn’t mean we can’t meet on some kind of middle ground and form new bonds. I’d like that, I think. But new bonds reminds me of that woman I saw Spike with and my thoughts are once again consumed by him as we are loading up the trunk and pulling out of the airport. I’m so distracted by this that I almost miss the question from Willow about why we aren’t going toward Revello Drive. I want to groan out loud at having to explain, but instead I smile and chatter animatedly about the house selling and apartment hunting/renting experiences Anya and I had while they were gone. One story leads to another and Anya and I fill the silence with tales from the summer until we are pulling up outside Xander’s apartment, which he had apparently kept (did not know that!) and dropping him and Willow off. The two of them are still standing on the curb looking gob smacked as we round the corner toward our place where Giles will be crashing on our couch the next few days. We’ve got some serious catching up to do and I’d prefer to do so with him without the other two interfering, so this was an easy way to set that up. And that reminds me that I still don’t know if Giles is staying or going or what. We really need to talk.
Sunnydale, CA
Peaceful Vale Cemetery
Wes POV:
I wish I knew the right questions to get Elke to open up to me. I’ve been trying to talk to her since she arrived yesterday, but she speaks mostly in riddles and I find it very frustrating. I suspect that she knows more than she lets on and I’m concerned about moving forward with an incomplete picture. Spike finally told us the whole story about meeting Elke before and what the imbrigatt entails and I understand now why he held out on us for so long. It’s a pretty serious thing to contemplate let alone embark upon for anyone, even Spike. Dawn is beyond nervous about this, and Faith is almost as worried. I have quite a few reservations myself. Which is why I have insisted upon being privy to as many details as Elke will share with me regarding both the imbrigatt and the ritual to determine if it was indeed Joyce that visited Spike…was it only weeks ago? It seems much longer. I can find no fault with her spell or the ritual preparations, however, so I keep quiet and watch as Elke begins to chant. She has prepared a sacred circle above Joyce’s grave and both Spike and Dawn are inside this circle – Dawn as the conduit and Spike as the key element. Faith and I are here both to observe and to protect them all, as the ritual itself is actually quite lengthy. We are undisturbed by any evil forces this night – almost as if the creatures that roam the dark know better than to mess with us – and a few hours later we are on our way back to the rental house with mixed feelings. I can see it on the faces of the others and I know it shows on my own also. All of us are unsure at this point. The ritual was very complicated and involved, not to mention heavy on the emotional side making contact with Joyce’s spirit. Dawn was overjoyed to be in her mother’s presence again even in the ethereal sense. Spike was equally affected, and while Faith and I were less connected, we were no less touched by this experience. Now we know that it was indeed Joyce that appeared to Spike and started us off on this journey, but we still don’t know why he is being asked to do this. The only explanation we were given is that this is a journey of faith and only by completing the crossing can one understand the reason for making the trek. I suppose that crossing is as appropriate a term as any considering the nature of the imbrigatt, but the choice of that particular word bothers me nonetheless. It calls up images and associations of a one-way trip to me and none of us want to consider that Spike may not return from this, but it is a very real possibility and we must take this under due consideration. I for one will not allow us to proceed any further until after we have talked this out, covered every possible contingency and exhausted every resource to aid Spike on this trip. If he must go alone, then so be it, but not until we’ve done everything we can to help him assure his success. Although I’m at a loss to imagine what could possibly be of use in fully redeeming one’s soul by atoning for the sins of the past, but surely I can think of something to help him. All I need is a good night’s rest.
Sunnydale, CA
Peaceful Vale Cemetery
Buffy POV:
I can’t sleep. I have been tossing and turning half the night and can’t get my eyes to even stay shut, which is why I decided to head out for a second patrol at 3a.m. So, here I am an hour later hitting another cemetery and so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I almost run straight into… What in the world are they all doing out here at this time of night? And why do they all look so serious? I’m tempted to call out and ask, but something about their demeanor screams of the seriousness of whatever it is that had them out here to begin with. Instead I stand in the shadows and watch as first Wes and Faith walk by hand-in-hand. And although they both look tired, they also look very sweet together, and I am happy for them to have found each other. Behind them walks the woman I saw with Spike at the airport. And although she is walking alone this time, I am no less intimidated by her. Definitely not a skank-ho as I had hoped. She’s almost otherworldly in her beauty and I wonder at the way she carries herself. She seems to glance my way for a moment and I have the briefest impression of pale lilac eyes that see right through me, but then the moment is gone and she is walking on and I wonder if I imagined it even. Last in their little procession comes Spike and Dawn and it is their appearance that strikes me the most. They both look equally happy and sad – happy as in a deep joy and peace that I am envious of and sad as in bearing an overwhelming weight on their shoulders. I want to know what is going on, but decide to wait until the next day to seek out Faith and get the scoop. I do, however, follow them home just to make sure they are safe. I know there are several warriors in their group who can easily hold their own, but I thought they looked tired and distracted…and I care that they’re okay. They don’t need to know I was here. It’s not about that. I wait until the last one is in the door and it is closed behind them before I head back home. I’m tempted to wake Anya and talk to her about what I saw, but I know she was tired earlier. Instead, I lay on my bed where once again I cannot sleep, although now I have even more questions rattling around in my head.
Sunnydale, CA
The streets of Sunnydale
Giles POV:
To be or not to be, that is the question. Pish tosh! The more accurate question would have been what or who to be. And that is the question that all my charges seem to have wrestled with these past few months with varying degrees of success. Some I am extremely proud of – like Anya. That girl has done amazing things in the time I’ve been gone and even before I returned briefly to reign in Willow’s power abuses. She took what was already a successful business and transformed it into a thriving and extremely profitable venture. The lack of overhead and exposure via the confounded internet being two of the key factors, she is nevertheless the responsible party for our success. I never would have considered venturing out into the virtual marketplace on my own. That would have been a more daunting task to me than learning an extinct language or fighting a fierce monster. To my way of thinking, computers are just the most bloody confusing contraptions ever invented. I prefer solid things that I can touch – like books, or weapons or spell ingredients…or even food. I have just recently discovered a hitherto latent affinity for cooking. I have been sautéing up a fierce storm around my flat and judging by the pounds that Xander has packed on while staying with me, I assume that my efforts were successful. Then again, that boy has always buried his feelings in food to an extent. Perhaps his eating was equal parts stress and enjoyment. Hmm. I will admit to having some serious concerns about that boy and how he is going to adjust to the changes that have occurred this past summer. I worry that he has not even yet begun to deal with the consequences of his own actions let alone those of the others.
Xander spent the entire summer caring for Willow. And at first I was most grateful for his help, as Willow was unresponsive for the first couple of weeks. His assistance was invaluable in taking care of an individual that was for all intents and purposes catatonic. When she began to come around and respond to stimuli, we began the arduous task of her rehabilitation. Willow and I spent countless hours in commune, with the spirits of the earth and sky, with the elements of this planet, searching for peace and understanding and the way forward. Along that path, Willow began to address her own issues of power abuse, need for control and insecurity. Although she was beginning to take steps toward forgiveness and healing, I fear that Xander headed in the opposite direction. He refused to join us in these meditation sessions, only spending time with Willow or sitting in front of the TV or off on his own alone. I have no idea what he did during his time alone. He barely talked to me. He barely talked to Willow, to be honest. And although Willow is still a very fragile creature at this point, at least I know where she stands. Xander, on the other hand, is a mystery to me. He is a contradiction at best – Willow’s rock but one that I fear has a proclivity to either fall apart or explode. I know a thing or two about not dealing with your issues and how they can come out of no where to smack you in the face when you least expect it. And if Xander did not deal with things over the summer while we were gone, how is he going to react to all the things that he and Willow have yet to learn about?
I had some very enlightening talks yesterday with both Anya and Buffy and learned a great deal more about the changes each of them has gone through these past months. I am proud of my Slayer, my surrogate daughter. She has begun to grow up and mature into a real woman who has the courage to stand on her own rather than depend on others for her own validation. As important as a circle of support can be, it can also drag you down if you allow codependent relationships to develop. Unfortunately, I believe that the friendships between Xander, Willow and Buffy were codependent to quite a large degree. However, this was an evolution that likely could have been avoided at multiple points in time if key issues had been addressed in a timely fashion. When that didn’t happen however, splinters fragmented to such an extent that I don’t know how or if they can ever fully recover the trust that has been shattered between them all. They each have questions that need to be asked and answered, issues that need to be addressed, faults that need to be recognized and accepted or changed as the case may be. They also have to accept each other and the changes that have taken place and I don’t know how easily that will occur. Change is not easy in the best of situations. When thrust upon one, it is often resisted with ferocity that can astound. Xander is a prime example of this. I fear he will have the hardest time accepting the changes. Willow, I think, will handle things better, but I am not sure whether it is better to spoon-feed her the truth or lay it all on her at once. I fear that limiting her knowledge will backfire. I have no doubts but that Xander’s initial reaction will be negative, but that is to be expected. Willow will take it all in stride, I hope, but I do not wish to overwhelm her. Which is why I am on my way to my current destination at this very moment.
Among other revelations last night, one of the things I learned was the rather sketchy details regarding Dawn, Spike, Faith & Wesley – or at least as much as Anya and Buffy could tell me. I don’t know which one of those four has surprised me more. I did not realize that Dawn had run away initially – no one rang me in England to tell me this. So, I was not prepared for her absence when I returned in the spring. At that time, Buffy had assured me that it was under control. There is a strong part of me that feels I should have pursued that issue more back then. As it is, I did not, and have only now learned the full truth of the matter. Thank God that Wesley was there for Dawn. I shudder to think of a sixteen-year old girl on the streets of Los Angeles on her own. But I must admit to a grudging admiration for Dawn’s resourcefulness, and by all accounts, she seems to be well-adjusted on all fronts now, but I should like to ascertain this for myself. Then there is Wesley, whom I have not seen since that farce of a high school graduation. At that time, I would have deemed him one of the least likely people to ever develop any backbone, let alone become a force to be reckoned with. I am intrigued by the apparent changes in him and feel the need to speak with him myself. I greatly wish to speak with Faith, also…not to see if she’s evil or anything. I was regaled by Buffy with tales of the new and improved Faith to the point where I believe that Joan of Arc would pale in comparison to the former rogue slayer. Rather, I should like a chance to apologize for my part in letting her go down the road she originally followed. I believe that, too, could have been averted with the proper intervention at the right time. I failed her to an extent, and would like the chance to make it up to her. Lastly, but apparently not least at all, there is Spike. If even half of what I heard about him is true, then there is surely an incredible tale to be told. Of course, there were also the rumors I heard in London that seemed too wild to even consider a few months ago, but now I must indeed consider them. Is it really possible that William the Bloody voluntarily sought the restoration of his soul and succeeded? I did not share this with the girls as they both seemed ignorant of this possibility, but the things they told me all point towards this being true. So, I’m here at the door of their rental house with my hand poised to knock, hoping to unravel at least one of the mysteries before me, when the door opens and I’m presented with a much stranger situation than I had expected. What in the world could possibly convince a grown man to don a shirt in that particular shade of pink?
Sunnydale, CA
Rental House of Wes, Spike, Dawn & Faith
Wes POV:
You know those moments in time when you seriously wish for just a moment that the ground would open up and swallow you whole? Well, this is most definitely one of those times. I’m standing here in front of Rupert Giles, a man who has never seen me at my best, and whose respect I would absolutely wish to possess. And I’m wearing a soft pink oxford shirt and looking like a complete and total namby-pamby. I swear that my heart is in my throat and I want to disappear. I’m that mortified. Rupert opens his mouth to speak as do I, but nothing comes out for either of us. We both shake our heads and try again with the same result. Finally I manage a weak smile and comment that only a shirt this hideous could render a Watcher speechless. He bursts out laughing in agreement and is soon pumping my hand in greeting. As I invite him in, I regret again the impulse that had me letting Dawn try out some ‘new colors’ in my wardrobe. I had just put on the awful thing when the doorbell rang. I wish that I had allowed someone else to answer it, but as I walk back in the living room with Giles in tow, we are assaulted by the sight of Spike looking decidedly miserable in a pale green shirt. I am suddenly relieved that I stepped out when I did. Giles wry question about the current state of affairs wrenched a very unmanly yelp from Spike, who exchanged glances with me. In tandem we whipped off the horrendous style abominations and threw them at Dawn. She was laughing too hard to do more than stand there and allow herself to be draped in pastels as the rest of the shirts in both bags turned out to be similarly hideous. I’m still not certain if she bought these outfits as a joke or what, but rest assured that Spike and I are in agreement that this will not do at all. As I pull my gray t-shirt back over my head, Spike expresses the need for some serious ale and asks Rupert if he’d like to join us for a pint. The three of us head toward the kitchen, leaving a very amused Faith to rescue Dawn from the mountain of clothes.
If I was surprised to see Rupert, Spike does not seem to be at all. Odd, that. Hmm. Before I can wonder any more about that, Rupert is extending his hand toward Spike who seems very surprised by the gesture, but takes the preferred hand, although a tad warily. Or perhaps it’s wearily at this point with all that has happened lately. Regardless, they exchange greetings and then Rupert is turning back toward me and apologizing for not greeting me properly when I first answered the door, but the state of my apparel had him too appalled to speak initially. That is reminder enough of those awful clothes and the three of us shudder in manly unity at women’s ideas of fashion. Conversation is stilted at first, but Rupert quickly comes to the point of his visit. I am watching Spike for some kind of reaction as we are told about Xander and Willow returning, as well as his talks with Anya and Buffy, but Spike shows no visible reaction…that is until Rupert mentions his soul. I can’t say which of us was more surprised that he knew about it. We haven’t told anyone in Sunnydale outside of our little group about this and I rather think Spike would prefer it to stay that way. Rupert explains about the rumors he heard in England and how he had doubted their veracity at first until he returned here and was inundated with tales from Buffy and Anya. Although Spike perks up a bit to hear that Buffy has been talking about him, only someone who knew him well could tell that he was affected by what he was hearing. However, he didn’t comment on it, so I took my cues from him. I waited several moments with bated breath before Spike seemed to relent and confirmed what had already been guessed. Even though he suspected as much, Rupert was clearly gob smacked to have the reality of Spike’s soul verified. He attempted to speak several times before actually succeeding and then, to everyone’s surprise, it was not to ask how or why, but instead words of admiration for what it must have taken to accomplish such a feat. It was that open respect, I think, that took down the remaining barriers and allowed Spike to relax and speak openly with Rupert.
We sat there throughout the afternoon talking and catching up. Rupert was suitably impressed by the business we’ve carved out for ourselves. He was surprised to learn about Darla and Connor and everything that story entailed. The three of us had worked ourselves through a full case of Guinness and were set to start another before Faith and Dawn stuck their heads in to check on us. That interruption prompted the need for a meal and before we knew it, fajitas were in the works and everyone was pitching in…except for Rupert, who asked to speak with Dawn and Faith each privately. I’m not sure exactly what was said there, but all three parties were much more at ease afterward, although I know that Dawn was sniffling and Faith rubbed at ‘something in her eye’ before they set the table and fixed drinks. It was during a loud and boisterous dinner that Elke finally emerged from Spike’s bedroom where she had been sleeping since the ceremony last night. Rupert stood up when she entered, or rather he tried to anyway like a gentleman, but promptly fell on his ass like a drunkard instead. Amidst the laughter that followed, introductions were made and Elke expressed an interest in speaking with Rupert when his facilities were more intact. Bless the bugger, but he blushed at that. I haven’t seen Spike laugh so hard in some time. We ended up staying up talking and laughing until well into the night. The girls all deserted us before it got too late and it was just three Englishmen sharing opinions on footie and ale and the queen. I haven’t had so grand a night in some time. I don’t recall what time it was when we finally stumbled inside to get some sleep, but I’m relatively certain that it was not long before the sun came up. I swear that I only had my eyes closed for a second when Faith was shaking me awake with promises of a greasy breakfast. And over the sound of my groans at the thought of food, I hear her laughter and decide that it is possibly the sweetest sound I have ever heard.
With a throbbing head and a roiling stomach, I eventually manage to drag myself downstairs where Rupert looks even worse than I feel. He is gratefully accepting a cup of coffee from Faith and asking if he had the presence of mind to call Buffy and Anya and let them know not to be worried the night before. Faith is smiling when she informs him that he didn’t have the presence of mind to do much more than laugh drunkenly the night before, but that she had made the call. I send a grateful look her way and am rewarded by a soft smile that leaves me glowing. Rupert has noticed our byplay and is apparently reminded that Faith and I are now a couple, as he learned over many a toast with the pint last night. I believe my exact words after his toast ‘to an undefeated seasons for Man U’ were ‘to the love of a fine woman, like my Faith.’ At which point, Rupert spit ale all over himself and stared at me in complete befuddlement for several seconds, before collecting himself and sitting up straight to clank pints with me again to the chorus of a round of hearty ‘ayes.’ At some point later on in the night, our conversation had become a bit more mellow and we ended up talking about the loves of our lives. I talked briefly about unrequited love with Fred and then finding Faith who appreciates me and makes me feel like a man. Spike’s gloomy rejoinder was that none of the three women he had loved had ever made him feel like a man – more like they had tried to make him feel less than a man. Rupert then bemoaned his lost love as he shared with us about Jenny whom Spike agreed had been ‘a right feisty bird that was snuffed by Angelus before her time’ and then the reminder of Angelus called up dour thoughts for all of us. It was a dark moment that was put in perspective when Spike told the story of the way Rupert had stormed into the factory and nearly taken Angelus out with a baseball bat and fire. That started a hilarious discussion of the many ways one could kill Angelus. Spike won most original when he suggested substituting his hair gel with something that would cause his hair to fall out, which would promptly result in the vain poof offing himself in embarrassment. My personal favorite was Rupert’s suggestion that Angel be sentenced to an eternity of auditioning for plays. We all paused imagining him trying to use one of his two perpetual expressions in an acting audition and promptly burst out laughing hysterically. This was further compounded when Rupert affected a serious look and said that he might actually win the audition…if the job was to sell hemorrhoid cream. That did it for us and we all dissolved into very unmanly giggles. And although I know that Spike has come to terms with Angel and they are doing well these days, I did so appreciate the laughs at the wanker’s expense.
Anyway, it is just Rupert and Faith and I at the moment. Faith reveals that Dawn is on the phone with an old friend of hers from school making plans for a trip to the mall. I simply must insist that she use this opportunity to return those hideous shirts she purchased for Spike and I. This sentiment prompts a snort from Rupert and a Cheshire grin of unholy proportion from my darling girl. Faith leaves us to talk to Dawn and offer to drive her to the mall. Rupert and I share a look of solidarity and lapse into a rather comfortable silence. After a bit, Rupert brings up the question of exactly what is the big secret reason that we’re all here in Sunnydale anyway? I take a leap of faith and decide to lay it all on the line here, trusting Rupert to keep confidence for us. He is as blown away by it all as we are and is totally amazed that Spike is expected to undergo such a test of a man that would daunt even the bravest and cleanest of us, but to be carried out by a vampire is quite simply put, mind-blowing. It is only after hearing all this that Rupert decides to remain and wait for Elke rather than returning later in the day to speak with her. It is some time later before Elke emerges from the bedroom she has shared with Spike since her arrival a few days ago. Rupert raises an eyebrow when he realizes where she was sleeping, but I have no answers for that. I have not questioned Spike on this arrangement, nor do I intend to do so. After what was apparently an intense conversation, Rupert rejoins me in the living room and we sit in silence for a few minutes before he turns to me and says that if we are going to go through with this, then he wants to help in any way he can. I tell him that I really don’t know yet when this is to occur or what part any of us will play in it, but that if he could help me brainstorm on ways to assist Spike in his trials…I would be most appreciative. He solemnly agrees to do what he can and then takes his leave of us. I remain sitting for some time after he leaves wondering what the future holds for us. There are still so many unknowns here, and I don’t do very well with the unknown. I’m growing more and more uncomfortable until Faith joins me on the couch. As she snuggles up against my side and my arm wraps around her shoulders, I am reminded that some unknowns turn out very well indeed once the risks are taken, and my confidence that we will all come out of this okay is buoyed by her presence.
Sunnydale, CA
Peaceful Vale Cemetery
Spike POV:
It’s almost time for this bloody imbrigatt to begin… Hmm. Maybe ‘bloody’ isn’t a very good choice of words for this. Certainly hope it won’t be too bloody. Plan to do my best to survive this and not bugger things up. Been spendin’ as much time as possible preparin’ for this, but a couple of weeks isn’t very long at all. Not that there’s bugger-all to do really to get ready for this. After all, it’s m’ past we’re talking about here. I’m the one who has to face all of his ghosts – quite literally in this case. Not exactly lookin’ forward to it, to be honest. After all, ‘ve got over a hundred years worth of crimes to atone for and who knows how many victims there were over the years? The thought of facin’ each one of them on the ethereal plane isn’t exactly appealin’ to me. But sod all else, ‘m gonna do it for no other reason than that Joyce Summers asked me to. I know it bothers the others – particularly Wes – that we don’t have a more concrete reason than ‘it’s a journey of faith’ but that’s okay. I’ve done dumb things before and not always had good reasons for doin’ so. Without a doubt, best thing I ever did was get my soul because of my love for Dawn, so I could be a good example to her. I don’t regret that, even when it felt like it might scratch a hole inside m’ head, ‘cause I did it for the right reason and it feels good to have earned it on m’ own. Now I’m expected to cross over and atone for my sins. Supposedly this process will give me a clean slate and redeem my soul for all the sins I’ve committed. Not exactly sure how that works though. What are the PTB goin’ to do when I’m done, wipe my memory clean? What good would that do? Then I wouldn’ remember what I’d bloody well learned along the way, which kind of defeats the purpose to begin with, don’ it? The whole bloody thing gives me a headache whenever I try to think it through, so I’ve stopped tryin’ to analyze it. I’ve spent most of the time makin’ good memories with Bit and the others. Wes ‘n Rupert have had me doin’ meditation exercises to ‘center’ m’self. They seem to think that might be the only weapon they can offer me goin’ in to this. Which made me snort originally, because how in bloody hell is that a weapon? Wes explained that it would help me to regroup in betwixt encounters, and that made a bit of sense, so ‘ve been workin’ on it. But I have trouble findin’ any peace at that rental house we’re in, so ‘ve been comin’ out here to Joyce’s grave each night instead and that’s helped me in more ways ‘n one. I didn’t know a grave could be such a peaceful place ‘till I visited Joyce’s headstone. I think and I practice centerin’ m’self and I talk to Joyce. Bugger, but I miss that woman. Such a fine person. And I like to think she’s proud of what I’m doin’ here…pretty sure of it actually…although she would likely tell me to talk to the Slayer before I do this. That’s the one loose end that’s not tied up yet. If I don’ make it back, that’s the one person I’m not at peace with…and although I’d like to try to fix things before I do this… Well, it’s jus’ a bit much to handle, ya know? I don’t think I can do that on top of everythin’ else. Bein’ around the Slayer would just fuck with m’ head and I don’ need that right now. So, I sit here and talk quietly to Joyce instead and try not to think about her eldest daughter and how much I wish things could be different there. No use cryin’ over spilt milk as the sayin’ goes.
Sunnydale, CA
Apartment of Buffy and Anya
Anya POV:
If she paces around the room one more time, I swear I’m gonna scream! That girl is about to wear a hole in the carpet and it’s really not necessary. I love my roommate, but she’s going about things all wrong. She’s been driving herself crazy for the past couple of weeks now trying to figure out what’s going on without coming right out and asking. And with the limited facts we have, nothing adds up to enough to satisfy Buffy. Giles has made daily trips over to visit with Wesley and, I assume, the others, but has yet to tell us why he’s spending so much time over there. When questioned, Faith was hesitant to reveal any details of why they’re in town, saying that it really wasn’t her story to tell and giving the impression that Buffy would have to ask either Spike or Dawn for the whole story. Right, like that’s going to happen any time soon! Buffy has made a lot of progress these past few months, but I don’t know when she’s going to be up for that. I was so proud of the way she took the initiative with Xander and Willow of telling them up front how happy she is with her new living arrangements. The old Buffy would have dreaded them asking and avoided the question for as long as possible only to try to sidestep the issue when it was brought up. The new and improved Buffy – as I teasingly refer to her – put the issue out there in no uncertain terms from the get-go. And how cool was it that she did that? Pretty darn cool in my book. She didn’t bring up the whole Spike & Gang presence with Xander and Willow – which I totally get – but she was surprisingly direct with Giles on that subject. And I don’t know what surprised me more – how honest Buffy was with him or how well he took things. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like my friend shared any revelations from the heart about her suppressed love for our bleached friend – she hasn’t even acknowledged that one to herself yet – but she has realized how important both Spike and Dawn are to her and how much she wants to make things right between them. Taking the steps to do so is another matter altogether though. And speaking of steps, I’m going to get that girl a pedometer so she can see I’m not lying about how much pacing she does these days. Sigh. There are times when people come to important realizations on their own and there are times when you have to slap them in the face with the truth. I believe tonight might be the right time for some serious truth hitting home. Only one way to find out, but I’d better pour some wine first. Only way I’m going to get that girl to stop making me dizzy with the movement is by putting a drink in her hand.
Sunnydale, CA
Streets of Sunnydale
Buffy POV:
Okay, I guess it’s time to admit that Anya’s right. I sort of acknowledged that the other night when she talked to me…well, not agreed, so much as I didn’t deny what she was saying. She told me that if I want to know what’s going on with Spike and Dawn and them, then I’m going to have to gather my nerve and go talk to them. She pointed out that Giles talked to them and he’s apparently all in the know now. And it’s not like he was ever that close to Spike or Dawn, or Wes or Faith either for that matter. So it’s not like their little group is opposed to sharing information with others. I’m just afraid they won’t want to share with ME. And Anya offered to come with me to talk to them, but I’m not sure how I feel about that. Part of me would love to have her by my side. She’s a super-supportive friend and I am grateful to have her in my corner. But part of me feels like if I can just make the effort to reach out to either Spike or Dawn – or both – on my own…well, maybe they’ll take me more seriously and see that I sincerely want to try to make things right. And maybe I can never totally do that, but maybe we could begin to heal and find some new common ground. I know neither one of them wants to go back to the relationships we had before. But, to be honest, neither do I. Honestly, I don’t. I’ve discovered that I didn’t particularly care for the person I was in the past…even before I died and was brought back. However, I’m really starting to like the person I’m becoming more and more. And I think they might like that person, too…or at least be able to tolerate being in the same room with her! I don’t guess I’ll ever know unless I take a chance, but how do I get to the place where I have the courage to try.
I’ve been walking around – pseudo patrolling, anyway – for the past couple of hours now, just thinking about things. I kicked a rock and looked up when I heard it hit something a moment ago. I was surprised to see it was my headstone, which stops me in my tracks. For the longest time I just stare at the stupid thing. ‘She saved the world a lot.’ What exactly does that mean to me? I know as the Slayer I saved the world – literally. And I know that I saved lots of people…not all of them… I never save all of them, but I’m doing better with accepting that. Anya has made me memorize the Serenity Prayer and it has become my own personal mantra. I’m looking at the numbers on my headstone and I’m reminded of something I heard once about how it’s not the dates that matter – when you’re born or die – but what’s in-between and that’s represented by a dash. The person I heard that from was using it as a way of saying that life shouldn’t be a ‘mad dash’ but instead we should slow down and enjoy our lives. But I’m suddenly thinking of what all happened in my life that’s represented by that little horizontal line carved in stone. So much heartache. So many mistakes. So many regrets. And I’m suddenly angry that I’ve accepted all this…until now. With what can only be described as a snarl, I rear back and let my foot fly repeatedly until that stupid headstone is lying there in pieces on the ground. How exhilarating. I should have done this months ago. I feel free and I make up my mind right there that I don’t want to look back at the end of my life (whenever that should happen to be AGAIN) and have so many regrets. I want to feel good about how I lived my life and about the chances and risks I took. I raise my head to look at the sky, blow my mom a kiss (I know she’s up there somewhere watching me), and take off running – no, dashing – toward the rental house where Spike & Dawn are staying. I’ve got some things to say that are long overdue.
When I get there though, the wind is literally taken out of my sails. I’m knocking on the door and no one answers at first, so I eventually crack it open and call out. No one answers right away, but then Faith pokes her head down the stairs. I’m not sure she’s going to invite me in. She keeps glancing back up the stairs and then at me. I guess she comes to a decision, because she calls back over her shoulder that ‘she’ll be right back’ and comes downstairs to see me. I smile, but it quickly fades at the serious expression on her face. I’m not used to Faith looking this solemn and it makes me nervous. We go into the living room and she tells me exactly what’s going on. I’m totally blown away. I can’t believe that my mom would ask Spike to do something like this. I can totally believe that he’d do it if she asked him to, but why would she ask that of him? Faith can’t answer that. None of them really know why this is happening. I want to scream at the unfairness, but then she tells me that the ritual has already started, and I’m left speechless instead. How could no one tell me that this was happening? I want to cry, but instead I swallow my hurt and ask where he is and if I can see him. Faith nods and leads me quietly upstairs to what I guess is Spike’s room. The pretty woman from the airport is there…Elke is her name, I think that’s what Faith said anyway…and she’s obviously running the show. Spike is lying on a mat and he appears to be sleeping…that is if you ignore the fact that he’s suspended in the air about three feet off the ground and there’s a light purple glow surrounding him. Dawn is there, but although she looks surprised to see me, she doesn’t seem hostile or anything. Heck, she even gives me a neutral expression and a kind-of wave. That’s progress as far as I’m concerned, and it gives me hope. I stare at Spike for several long seconds before asking aloud what I can do to help.
How disappointing that there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been informed that all we can do is wait at this point. Elke is monitoring Spike’s progress and will let us know if anything changes, but so far all I’ve gathered is that he’s on the spiritual plane. That I get and I’m not worried about. It’s the facing each and every one of his past victims part that makes me go ouch. I’m not the only one concerned about him. Besides Dawn, Wes and Faith, Giles was there earlier, but he stepped out to go buy some coffee and sodas. Apparently caffeine is in order. Well, sign me up, I don’t feel like sleeping much at all. No one’s really talking – just a few whispered questions here and there. I’ve been standing off to the side by myself for almost an hour now and I feel very much alone when the most surprising thing happens. Dawn gets up to stretch and go to the bathroom, and when she walks by me she stops. She doesn’t look directly at me, and she speaks so softly that I can barely hear her, but she definitely says ‘that it’s good that I’m here for him.’ I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I can’t believe how happy that small acknowledgement from my sister just made me. I go out in the hall and wait for her to come out of the bathroom. When she does, we both just stand there for a moment, and then I tell her that I’d really like to talk to her if she’ll let me. She hesitates for just a moment and then nods, but asks if it can wait till after we know about Spike. Well, of course it can. If she’s willing to talk to me, then I’ll wait for as long as she needs just to get a chance to apologize and make peace with her. Now if Spike will just give me the same opportunity, I might be able to start over with both of them. Even though I’m very worried about him, I haven’t felt this hopeful in some time.
It’s been several hours now with no visible changes. Elke won’t tell us much except that he’s still hanging in there. She keeps saying that his trials are very personal and should not be revealed to anyone unless he chooses to do so when he returns. I don’t understand exactly what’s going on over where ever he is. I wish I did, but no one else seems to know the exact details either. I’m guessing it can’t be any worse than what I’m picturing in my head. I hope, for Spike’s sake, that it’s not anyway. In the meantime, we’ve all settled into a pattern of waiting. We can go into the room, but we can’t go beyond a certain point, which is helpfully marked with a circle of bright white sand. Giles returned some time ago and seemed pleased to see me here. And Wes told me I could call Anya if I wanted, which I gladly took him up on two seconds later. So, my friend and I are sitting here quietly with a group of people – except for Elke – that I have a long and varied history with…not all of it good. But I’m beginning to realize that not all of it’s bad either, and just maybe it can be much better in the future. Even with the cloud of uncertainty over my head, I still feel more positive about what comes next than I have in way too long. I should have known better than to allow myself to dream. This near to the Hellmouth, all dreams are tainted…more like nightmares really.
A few hours later something finally changes. None of us realize the source at first. The house is shaking, the ground is vibrating and it’s incredibly noisy. Earthquake, right? Wrong! Dawn is the only one in the room with Spike and Elke at the time, so we don’t know anything’s wrong until she runs out in the hall screaming. My heart is in my throat and I leap up the stairs three at a time. Faith and I get there first and we race into the room and slam into Dawn’s back where she’s literally frozen in place. I hear the others run up behind us, but I don’t see them. I don’t have eyes for anything except the sight in front of me. Spike is no longer calmly levitating on the mat. He’s swirling around, getting faster and faster, and the peaceful lilac light from earlier has mutated into a sickly orange glow that scares me. I can tell by her expression that Elke is concerned, but it’s the fact that she doesn’t seem overly alarmed that keeps me from totally freaking out. The noise is still building and Spike is spinning faster and faster, and I’m still wondering if that’s a good thing or not, when all of a sudden the light turns an electric blue and there is a blinding flash and a loud boom, almost like a clap of thunder, followed by silence. Just before I lose my vision, I get a glimpse of Elke’s face. She looks startled and that scares me, but then I can’t see at all and I’m afraid to move in case I accidentally cross over the border of sand and mess something up. I guess everyone else has the same idea, because no one is moving much. As my sight begins to come back and the room comes into focus gradually, I am aware of the others around me. I’m holding Faith’s arm with my right hand and my left hand is clutching Dawn’s shoulder and I’m not sure when that happened. Spike isn’t in the air anymore. The mat is on the ground, but Elke is bent over the prone form on the floor and I can’t see what’s happening and I’m beyond nervous. I can hear Elke muttering to herself and although I don’t catch all the words, I’m still getting the impression that she’s very surprised by something. Then she sits back and I can see what has her so off-balance. For there on the mat where Spike was lying a few minutes ago is none other than my mother, Joyce Summers. I can hear gasps and cries from everyone around me, but it is Dawn that holds my attention. I force myself to focus for a moment and whisper to her not to cross the sand until Elke says it’s okay. As soon as she gives us the nod, Dawn and I both leap across the room. Then we are hugging our very real and solid mother who is crying and laughing with us. Although I’m awed and overjoyed to see my mother and I have to keep touching her for fear she’ll disappear, I can’t help but focus on wondering where Spike is. Dawn and I have mom in the middle of a sister sandwich hug when our eyes meet. I know that if we’ve ever agreed on anything, it’s right now. What happened to Spike?
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