She dreaded seeing him, but knew that it was unavoidable: Spike had just as much right to be at Xander and Anya’s wedding as her. She got an ache low in her stomach every time she thought of seeing him again though. There had been so many times over the last few days that she had wanted to flounce her new-found resistance and run straight back to his destroyed crypt. Only knowing that she was doing the right thing held her back. But why did the right thing have to hurt so much?

She felt numb once again, as she had before she had learnt the life-giving power of his touch – even as she tried to hide her pain in fake smiles and poor attempts at humour. If her friends noticed any change, no-one said anything. But then, everyone’s attention was fixed on the upcoming wedding, leaving little room for anything else. She joined in, trying to get swept up in the romance of the thought of a wedding – and failing miserably.

The day of the wedding was suddenly upon them and she was struck again with an intense desire to run away somewhere and hide. She forced herself through the morning though, helping Xander with his suit as they gathered at the venue. Her thoughts were elsewhere even as she attempted to tie his bowtie. She didn’t realise just how much she had drifted away until Xander rubbed her shoulder and she raised her eyes to his, surprised to find them brimming with tears.

“Teary?” he asked with a worried look.

“Good teary,” she lied, dropping her gaze from his and fiddling with his bowtie, “I’m really happy for you and Anya.”

“Me too.”

She smiled weakly and gave up on the bowtie.

“I can’t do this. You’ll have to get your best man to.”

He smiled and she forced another leaden smile.

“I’ll go get her.”

She slipped out of the room as quickly as she could and took a deep breath before heading along the corridor. She wiped delicately at her eyes and headed for the main room.

She hadn’t been looking for him, but there he was, his eyes finding her almost instantly. She took a deep breath as he pushed himself off the wall and made his way to her, forcing herself to project a calm that she did not feel. He stopped a few paces short of her and tilted his head, studying her in that way he had.

“Hey,” she got out weakly.

“Hello.”

There was an awkward moment of silence and then she spoke.

“So...no date?” she asked quietly, forcing a wry smile.

“No.”

She nodded and dropped her eyes to the ground. His hand at her arm brought her eyes to his once more though.

“I need to talk to you. Is there somewhere we can go?”

She had never seen Spike look so serious and she studied him, trying to find the reason for it. She could find nothing and, finally remembering his question, she nodded uncertainly and led him towards the many small rooms at the back of the hall.

She led him into one of the small rooms and stood awkwardly in the centre as he shut the door behind him and turned to her. For a fleeting moment, she thought this was all some sort of game and he would start trying to seduce her any minute – but when his eyes met hers, she could discern only seriousness, and pain. He quickly looked away from her and she frowned, unnerved by his uncharacteristic silence and the way he would not look at her.

His hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his duster and she could see him fiddling with something, probably his lighter, his fingers moving under the fabric. After a few long moments of silence, she stepped towards him and he raised his eyes to hers as she stopped just in front of him.

“What is it?” she asked hesitantly, thrown by the pain in his eyes.

He cleared his throat nervously and his eyes moved from hers to focus on a spot just over her right shoulder. She was almost ready to lash out at him for dragging this out, until she spotted the muscle of his jaw twitch and she realised he was silent only because he was trying to rein in his emotions. She bit her lip, remaining silent and waiting for him to speak.

“I’m leaving.”

It had been spoken so lowly she almost thought she hadn’t heard him but she knew she had and she frowned.

“I thought you wanted to talk to me?” she asked, confused.

“Leaving town,” he amended, eyes finally rising to hers.

She was frozen for a long moment, staring at him numbly, unable to comprehend what he was saying.

“What?” she breathed, eyes searching his for reassurance that this was all some joke. But he turned his head away, clenching his jaw tightly.

“I’m leaving Sunnydale, lo- Buffy.”

His gaze turned back to hers, his eyes shining with pain, but she could not speak, stunned into silence.

“Buffy, do you understand me?” he asked, reaching out and resting a hesitant hand on her shoulder, “I’m leaving.”

She shook her head silently, forcing her voice to work.

“You can’t,” she whispered, wide eyes fixed on his, unbelieving.

He sighed and retracted his hand, running it agitatedly through his hair.

“I can, and I am, love.”

“But you...I don’t understand. Why?”

He let out a choked laugh and bright eyes fixed on hers.

“You really think I can bear to stay around here?” he asked brokenly, “Around you?”

“But...”

She trailed off, not knowing what to say, her eyes following every play of emotion over his expressive face: pain, determination, love, anger.

“I can’t stay here, Buffy,” he murmured, eyes fixing on hers again, “I can’t stay and watch you, knowing that I...knowing what you taste like, what you feel like...I just can’t.”

He turned his gaze from hers, his jaw tensed once again as he visibly fought with his emotions.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” she whispered helplessly.

His eyes snapped to hers and widened slightly.

“Of course I love you. You know I love you...so much it’s killing me. That’s why I can’t stay.”

“But if you love me, you’d stay.”

“Don’t do this to me, Buffy, please,” he pleaded, his voice rough with emotion, “You don’t know how long it took me to make this decision.”

“Take it back.”

He sighed and took a step towards her, his hand reaching out and touching her face.

“I need to do the right thing...for both of us, Buffy.”

She went to interrupt but he stopped her.

“I can’t bear to see you hurting and I know being with me was hurting you. I understand why you ended it, love, I do. But you can’t expect me to be able to stay in the same town as you. It hurts like hell to even be near you.”

She bit her lip and dipped her head, unable to bear the intensity of his blue eyes.


“Is there anything I can say to make you stay?” she whispered.

“Nothing that you want to say,” he murmured softly and she raised tortured eyes to his, knowing that there was nothing she could give that would stop him from leaving. She had nothing left to give.

“You’re really going.”

He nodded, swallowing hard as he brushed a hand over her hair. His eyes traced over her, almost like a caress, and she got the feeling he was memorising her features.

“Spike, I am sorry, you know.”

“I know,” he answered with a tiny smile.

They heard sounds outside and he looked towards the door.

“I have to go. You’ve got a wedding to get to.”

“You’re not staying for the wedding?” she asked in surprise.

“I only came to speak to you.”

“Oh.”

There was silence again and with a sigh, he shoved his hands in his pockets and turned his back on her, headed for the door.

“Spike, wait,” she called quietly, going to him as he turned back towards her.

He watched her with wary eyes as she approached, stopping close enough to feel every outline of his body. She leant up slowly, her eyes fixed on his, and gently touched her lips to his. His hand grabbed at her shoulder but he did not deepen the kiss and when she pulled back slowly, savouring the taste of him on her lips, he released her. Her eyes fluttered open to meet his tortured gaze and she forced a weak smile.

“Goodbye, Spike.”

“Goodbye, Buffy.”

He finally turned and left the room in a flash, closing the door gently behind him. As soon as the door was shut, she collapsed to the floor, holding her hand to her mouth as she tried to hold back her sobs.