Hi ,just wanted to let you know how much I loved and totally enjoyed reading this story. It gripped me from the start. So many twists and turns. A very roller coaster of emotions. My heart just broke for Spike :( I cried through many chapters. You wrote each character so strongly and so well. I loved Angel being in true Sire mode and being there to support his childe. I'm sorry to see it end. Any chance of a sequel? Spike came through his ordeal to some degree,but I'm glad it was realistically dealt with that sometimes you never get over but you find a way to move on.

Again with that honesty thing!  You didn't let Buffy off the hook before, but now, when Spike threatened to retreat into himself in fear, you didn't let him off either.  And in the end all isn't perfect...  But there is joy.  Just like life. 

Outstanding.

Blue

Text This was wonderful. Tender and exciting and fulfilling. Don't stop writing.

That was fantastic! I love that you didn't just wave a magic wand and make it all better. It felt more real.

 After two days of nonstop reading, I have finally come to the end of this beautiful tale. Thanks so much for it. It was one of the best stories I have ever read, from the pain and heartache to love and sweetness. It was all around amazing. :)

Thank you for such a wonderful story. Like nothing I have ever read before. I had such a hard time dealing with Xander as the abuser. I actually almost prayed it wasn't him in the beginning. I adore Xander, but I am well aware of his faults, especially with his views about demons....so I can believe he is capable of these acts. I love how you basically took the basic "lessons" of the show and fully explored them here. Spike and Buffy basically went through this same process on the air, but Joss and Co didn't have the leisure to really delve into it as you did.  I am glad you took the challenge to explore the painful consequences of being abused (Spike) and being an abuser (Buffy).  We got to watch them heal in a complete and meaningful way that was an intense rollercoaster read, and also a nice companion to the emotions during season 7. 

This story has taken me on an emotional journey, and I've loved every second of it. Everything was perfect and I can honestly say that this is the best fanfiction that I have ever read. Thank you for the pleasure of reading such an amazing piece of work.

your talent with words is soooooooooo... its beyond me to compliment it. And you really make me believe it was Riley!
Ty for teh story!!!

Wow. That was incredibly creepy (in the good way of course! :D). It took me a long time to finish it... I actually intended to read it all in one shot but being up at 4:30 on a school night is just not cricket! (lol sorry I'm Aussie!)

Yes it was creepy, but I just happen to have a morbid sense of interest. It is hard to see Spike so weak and helpless, yet you wrote im perfectly in that role! You really had to of been made of stone not be in tears in most parts!

I knew it was Xander from the very beginning, not because you weren't tricky but I've realised that a lot of fanfic writers usually like to make him a baddie lol (I personally like Xander, but it was hard to like him in this fic!). It was hard to feel sorry for him after his grusome acts, even though you aptly described a tortured childhood in itself for Xander. In all, a really good and bloody addictive fic! Well Done!!

OMG!!!!!!!!
This is one of the best fanfic I've ever read, if not THE best!
The first chapter I thought of Xander, but then I was almost convinced Riley was the torturer... only to find the incredible truth!!
I loved the fact that Spike decided to finally step up and started demanding a fair relationship, I absolutely loved how he stopped for a second to consider it and fought his near self-destructive love for Buffy.
Definetly one of the best!!! :D
Congratulations!!

ooohhhh....that was really touching!  you are such an AMAZING author!.. i cried and cried and cried reading this...that's how much touched i was.  GREAT JOB!!!!! you are officially my favorite author!!!

My god, this story was incredible.  So amazingly paced and just... wonderful all the way through.

Wonderful Read and I very much like the how you kept with your idea of how a very long time and terrible emotional trauma is still to be lived through - that Buffy and Spike still have a very difficult time ahead. And I like the location for your ending - real life and real life monsters have to be lived with, not like the movie monsters that are left and forgotten once the movie is over. Plus all the "is this a date?" also, at least for me, keeps the emotional insecurity of Buffy plus kept the idea that she still has a lot of maturity to come in her life and their relationship. The "Date" thing always reminds me of a teenage girl or Buffy being stuck in the "I want normal" or a denial of the real way life works - the complexity of all the shades of gray.

Regarding the comments that you left a lot of your previous plot and characters without conclusion - At least for me, by the end of the story it was Spike that was the main theme - Would he be able to reach out and find his love and trust again? What the other characters were doing, while it might have been interesting, was not especially important to me. And while exploring more of their storylines - it could also have simply added a lot of additonal, but not needed material. Of course, that is just my opinion - I am sure that people who actually write have a very different perspective. The one thing that I did feel that I wanted more on was Willow's attempted at killing Xander - I would have like to have had a little more depth and exploration from the personal perspective of Willow on her again falling into The Dark Magic - wonder if a set of ficlets on the other characters might be an interesting addition -

Thanks for the wonderful story -

Im going to pee myself.

I've got cramp in my right foot.

A crick in my neck.

A lump in my throat.

Tears in my eyes.

Im Desperate For Nicotine.

Its 2.33 am.

And it took me 4 Hours to read this story...



But It Was A Blood Brilliant One At That...

Ah, I know how to touch a nerve :P

Yes, if you were going for an open-ended feel, then this chapter works perfectly, and rereading it, I will say that it does a perfect job of that. It reflects the situation and relationship perfectly.

And while I will give you Willow (it makes perfect sense as you put it) I will always challenge that a little more could have been done to resolve Buffy's violent streak. Even a few more lines talking about Dawn giving her the silent treatment for the shove would have worked to wrap that up, though not as much as I would have prefered (yea, ok, I wanted to see more Buffy angst, ala Blood Bound...or is it Bond...I can never remember :/)

And don't get a big head. Yea, it was one of your best works, but that doesn't mean you are above critics! :D (we already remember what happens when someone says someone else is beneath them!)

I fianlly got around to reading the end of this story (after giving my self a break from reading fan fics)

There is an old saying, I believe Poe said it: If you have a gun on the mantle in chapter 4, someone better fire it before the end.

While you did a wonderful job with the Spike and Buffy section, you left the gun on the table. Many things you set up were forgotten. Dawn andBuffy's relationship, Willow's blinders, the gangs Demon=bad, human=good belief, Buffy as an abuser...all fell aside so you could have a happy ending.

Another person already mentioned, you let most of them fall away at the end, when they played such a large role in the story.

There is another saying in storytelling, as said by Viggo Mortensen: "Sometimes, the writer must take out debts to further the story, and finds they must pay them in the final section." You took out massive debts, and failed to pay up. A true shame, as I know you are a better writer then this. Infact, I think this is the only story I've seen you do where you didn't pay up your dues.

I get the feeling you got tired of this story and decided to just end it fast, so you could be done with it. If that is the case, just say so. I can respect an author that hits a brick wall but decides to put an ending up to satisfy fans. Its when you fail to finish all the storylines that the story comes off as rushed and cheap.

I know most people will ignore these faults and only see the happy ending, and I do not fault them. it is a wonderful ending. But because there are atleast 5 chapters missing between it and chapter 66, this story will always remain, in my mind, unfinished.

I only hope your newest story (which I haven't reviewed yet but is very very good) will live up to your previous work and finish all the story lines.

WoW! I started reading this late Thursday night and finally finished it. Great story line! In the later years of the show I had grown to dislike Xander and is attitude towards everyone who thought differently than he did. I really like how you portrayed him as the evil villian, mainly because in some strange way I could totally see his character in seasons 6-7 turning into what he was in this story. Very very good!

I can't believe it's over...so lovely, so sweet, so wrenching...what an incredible journey this story has been. I don't have words.

Thank you so much, and I can't wait for your next story!

Very sweet ending. Hard to believe this is where they ended up, considering how it started and everything they went through, but I'm glad they made it there. Looking forward to your next fic!

This is just a gorgeous ending to an incredible fic! Though I am sad it's over, I think you gave it the perfect ending. Love the tenderness between them and the reality of Spike's emotions. There are just not enough words for how much I *loved* this, amazing job! :)

one nitpick -- the ending of the story would have been more satisfying to me if dawn, giles, angel, willow and even xander hadn't all disappeared so completely.

except for a few brief appearances by dawn, we don't know if spike and giles have come to any better anderstanding, how willow feels about everything, if spike and angel are continuing a supportive family relationship -- there's no follow-through on any of those subsplots.

Wonderful story, DOS. I was hoping you'd set up a situation where Buffy would be forced to choose again and would choose Spike this time over Willow or Giles or Angel. I think it would have to be one of them to balance out her failure to save Spike from Xander. Sure you wouldn't like to add another 30-40 chapters.

aww what a sweet ending..

Oh no. The end. I can't believe it's over :( I have enjoyed every word of this great ride, from trying to figure out whodunnit to debating the characters' motivations to, well, everything :P. Thank you so much for this wonderful, gut-wrenching, powerfully real tale. I hope that you are proud of your accomplishment. This is the first of your stories that I have read, but if the rest are even half as good, I'm going to enjoy catching up until you start us on our next adventure :)

to borrow from the chapter title, sweet read, thank you.

claIm...
no shellfish.

Well.
You wrung our emotions, twisted our expectations, shocked us. It was sometimes even hard to know who to cheer for, you'd messed with our heads so much. That was one heck of a ride you took us on, DoS. Thank you.
I was surprised at the clam in the final chapter - didn't expect it. It was, however, beautifully done.
Looking forward to the next one... :)

Ah. Sweet happy ending. :) Good job, sweetie.

I am so sorry to see this story end (and isn't this short for one of yours? ::grin::).

Still, it was a lovely ending. I like the image of them slowly moving forward, finding their own strength in each other.

I thought I told you I didn't want this to end.:(

This story rocked and I wish that there were more. Will there be a sequel? I hope so.

Great stuff. Can't wait to read what you have in store for us next.

I really liked this story. Although, sometimes the angst was too much for me. But I liked how you wrote their reconciliation because every chapter weeks and sometimes months elapsed. You really showed the growth of Spike and Buffy in this story. Thank you.

Very good job on this story. I thought the ending was quite good - and realistic because it demonstrated that with time things will get better but it takes love and patience to get there.

LOVELY - Thanks, again for sharing this fabulous story.

Very powerful ending. Liked the imagery behind his reclaiming part of himself through his claim with her. How through taking her strength through her blood he is able to find his own strength. It seems they have found an effective way to deal with all that has happened, and even though he still has lingering pains from his ordeal(and clearly he still would) they are able to work on putting it behind them and moving towards a healthy freedom together.

I hate that this great story is over but I am so glad that they finally made it truly back to each other. She is really there for him when he needs it. She put herself out there for him when he claimed her. And their connection has allowed some of the nightmares to come few and far between. I really hate they he had to go through this but it was a journey that both of them had to go through evidently and they are in a better, healthier relatioinship for it. AWESOME STORY, even the parts where I wanted to strangle Xander and even Buffy for him having to go through any of that again. But loved every bit of it deep down.

Wow! Great ending to a great Story! So when will you start a new one? :D

Beautiful

Beautiful ending. And very realistic. His nightmares wouldn't just go away .it's something that would take time to heal.

Never, ever lose faith in your ability to write - because you have such an incredible talent. Beautiful end to a beautiful tale. Looking forward to what you have in store for us next :-)

Wonderful story as always. I loved it.

THATS THE END?? NO! EVIL! MUST HAVE MORE!!

awwwwwwwwwwww!

Great ending! Great story! All the way threw!

Thank you~!

Lovely ending chapter to a great story. I'm so glad they ended up together and that Spike are improving (even if it's going slow) from the torture.

Thanks for the epilogue, it was the icing on the cake. Loved that he claimed her and how it's helping him to heal. What an amazing journey you've had us on, it's been a real treat. Are you taking a much deserved break or is your muse still in overdrive? Looking forward to your next fic, DOS, thanks again.

It's rare to read about the beauty of their connection through the claim. Buffy's growth and Spike's recovery finish off the tale of gruelling struggle perfectly. It's been a great ride.

This story has been perfectly told from start to finish. You always evoke so many emotions and this one hit just about everyone's buttons (in the story and the readers as well).

Love the hopeful note on which you ended things. No "perfect" and too pat "all is well now" hopeful, but a real mature "I'll be there for you and you for me" hope. There is real unselfish love shown and that's right where things should be. Buffy is acting from love, putting Spike's needs over hers and realizing the motive she has. Spike always did that. They are finally on the same page and the book is lovely.

Well done, sweetie. This is a masterpiece. Thanks for sharing with us.

Kathleen

Well, what a contrast to the beginning of this story. None of them would have said that we would have mated Spuffy now.....and the future seems bright.

What a perfect ending to such a lovely story.You have kept me captivated from the first chapter to the last.Well done:)

Yeah.. smutty-endings are always nice to read *grin* but in this fic... with everything that happened... it just wouldn't have felt... right. It wouldn't have fit in with the story. The tender, loving sweetness between them hit the spot tho :) loved it loved it loved it

*sigh* wow, that was just... wow. I could've handled seeing a little more Spike n Buffy smuttyness, but this ending just seemed.... right. The perfect finish for your brilliant fic. I couldn't've stopped reading, even if I'd wanted to... it was just too darn good! Congrats on finishing! *waiting patiently for your next fic to begin* :)

That was one heck of a story. There were times when I was tempted to abandon it... it bordered on too much (I'm a little protective of our darling vampire, it seems), but I've seen it through to conclusion.

Well done, sweetie.

for once buffy says the right thing at the right time. beautiful read, thank you.

Nice echo of and hommage to OMWF. Loved it!! More soon, please!

Oh my god!!! So freaking great! I'm so glad I checked here for an update-- that just tied everything together so well... Love it!

"Finally."

'Nuff said.

Oh I love how Buffy put it into presecetive for him.
I think he needed that.

This was so clearly stated and Spike needed to hear it. As did I. You have given me new hope re a personal situation. It couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you.

is that the end?

so the movie only went for roughly half an hour? lol

nahh just kidding..

Great chapter hun BIG thumbsup :D

Oh my god! Finally! Yeahahahaa!
New Chapter please!

Squee! Finally they break through their muleheadedness and fear! This chapter literally had me doing a fangirl bounce in my chair. The entire story has had me gripped. From the very first chapter on, I have been checking regularly for an update; diligently, impatiently even, often several times a day.

In fact, I've read all your other stuff* too. But alas I'm a naughty lurker and have barely reviewed up until now. Your writing is truly awesome, and I've been a bad but loyal fan.

Your writing is evocative, sublimely capturing the often explosively emotional drama you create. Simply put, you rock.

Also, while it sounds silly, your stories are always well edited; spelling, grammar, and punctuation rules actually followed, which is never a given on the internet. Your attention to these details makes the stories easily comprehensible, and is much appreciated. This may sound like a strange compliment, but it really makes a hugely significant contribution to the reader's enjoyement.

Thanks for your wonderful work!

-Zoya



*Everything on your website :)

Way to go, DOS! That was perfect. I had to go back and check to see if this was "The End," because it would have been perfect if you wanted to have it end like that. Excited that there is going to be more but you could have finished it this way with us knowing that they did have a future. Fantastic chapter, thanks.

OMG, I loved it. And the curtin closing at the end I could see it. Funny thing though, when Buffy started on about last year it all started playing out in a musical,lol.

*takes a deep breath*

YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

About FRICKIN' TIME! I'm SO glad she backed off and let it happen, and I'm so glad at the same time she stepped forward now to tell him, and I'm so glad he backed off when he did, and I'm so glad he's stepping forward now! YES!

~Nebula

Yay!! *jumps up and down*

LOL at Spike, Buffy and Dawn going to a horror flick. MMMM good Spuffy.

wow, fab chapter! I can't tell you how much I adore their relationship- the tenativeness, the almost-awkwardness and of course the smoldering passion that lies beneath :) Your potrayal of Buffy's emotions, especially her frustrations are so on the spot and vivid, completely realistic! I was having an awful day, but seeing BHNM updated definitely impoved it :D

Nice way to come full circle. Really are winding down, now.

Dawn was really funny.

*sigh* I'm happy that Spike and Buffy have finally found their place with each other, but sad that another one of your fantastic fics is coming to an end... :( I've notcied all your fics have the same basis, with different scenarios... Spike loves Buffy, Buffy hurts Spike, Spike stands up for himself, Buffy has to earn Spike's love... lol I love it! :) I'm guessing there's only one more chapter to go on this one... holding out for the finish :) great update :) xox

Squeeee! Buffy's insight and reatraint deserved reward. The UST was scrummy.

I'm so happy about the Spuffy kiss! That she reminded him of why he had to go on living, and that he owed it to himself to move past what had happened. I'm hoping he's really going to go with it and try to be with her. I know Dawn would be overjoyed about it. How cute was her reaction to the movie considering all the real blood, guts and demons she has seen so far in life?

YES! Perfect setting for that all important step. This time there's no "It isn't real" crap either....this time it IS once more WITH feeling....:::happy sigh:::....

Good for Buffy to make him face his fears and admit the problem. Good for Spike to accept that it will never be the same for him and now he must move forward. Yeah for them both for making sure they are on the same page.

This is so satisfying. There is no way they can do anything less than make it together now. Both have learned so very much and really taken the lessons to heart. No force on earth can break a bond like the one they are forging.

Excellent as is the whole story all the way through.

Kathleen

Now damn, there's tears in the eyes. Happy tears. Loved that ending. It was terribly long in coming, but the end result was way worth the wait.

Can't wait for more. Too good. :)

Great chapter, DoS. Liked how Buffy was the one who wanted to talk this time, and I liked the way the chat ended.

Beautiful chapter! Lovely communication between the two!

YES!!! Finally! *sigh* Now they're heading in the right direction. Beautifully written.

fine read, thank you. buffy has come a long way. she should now be able to help spike down a long road.

My heart just breaks for him. I'm glad he's allowing her to comfort him, he needs it so desperately, especially since Dawn's not there to comfort him. This may be just what they both need to get past the pain. Excellent chapter, thanks.

Poor man, he's so confused. He hasn't had a loving relationship since he was human and that was with his Mum. So it's not like he can be totally clear on what he wants and needs. I mean to a point they both have an idea what love is, what they think they want and how to find love. But I think they both still need to grow togehter in finding it, and I'm happy Buffy brought that to Spike'a attention. How can she help him, love him, even get close to him if he won't let her in. He's taken a page from her book and placed walls around his heart. Can't wait for more.

Sniffles at heartbreaking spuffiness.

But Dawn was not here tonight - Couldn't she run away from home?

Ah, yes.....I've had to be the comforter from nightmares several times....you always hope they'll wake up sooner than later.

And Dawn goes down there for this...very nice.

of course, this kind of thing isn't going to be easy for Spike just because he allowed it once. He has to get over the issues in his own head enough to be able to accept it without condemnation.

Awww... poor poor Spikey. Trying to cope with those nightmares alone - and still trying to protect Buffy's feelings despite everything. Good on her for being what he needs and handling the situation so well. Seems like they're on a healing path now... I think those two crazy kids are actually gonna make it! And, as always, excellent writing, wonderful chapter, please write more!

What a terrifying nightmare -- horror at its best. Top it off with Buffy really getting it right, and you've got a brilliant chapter!

Ohhhhhhhhh, more Spike crying! Why do you torture me so?

well for once Buffy was thinking of Spike first. I am glad that she was able to get through to him to allow her to help him get through even a littl bit. I can not imagine what Spike has been through every night. Awesome chapter.

wow, I think I'm speechless :) that was a simply gorgeous chapter, and the range of emotions was absolutely gut wrenching! You had me sucked in from that very first line -- poor Spike! Spike and Buffy's relationship progression is lovely too, and utterly adorable in a very angstriddenly beautiful way :)

communication, i think they have got it, great update.

Excellent progress. You really have a handle on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Those nightmares will never leave although they will change in time and he'll deal. Usually they will focus on a related theme like abandonment or being victimized in some way. He'll adjust to them as just a part of his sleep. (I speak not just from research but personal experience here). You really have nailed it too with his issues right front and center. His fear that he'll never be free of Xander (or what Xander did to him), never be the same again....and he won't. His memories sliding from his treatment at Xander's hands to the pain and damage inflicted by Buffy (and his fears that Buffy cannot really love him).

This is a fabulous move for both of them....reaching out to each other and moveing forward at a slow and careful pace. Buffy isn't demanding more than he can give and he isn't sliding back to old habits.

WONDERFUL.

Kathleen

A very touching chapter, the way Buffy said she wanted to help him, that she was okay with nothing more than helping him, and that she wanted him to let her love him.

Excellent chapter! I'm glad to see Spike more accepting of the comfort Buffy wants, and I think needs to provide him. Well done!

Awww, very touching and sweet. Good to see Spike wrapped up safely in the arms of the one he loves.

Amazing chapter, as always. It's nice to see them healing together. Wonderful how she explained that all she wanted was to be there for him, the same way he'd feel if their positions were reversed. Excellent chapter, and good step forward in the healing process.

Nicely done. This chapter was very cathartic.

so sad, poor buffy, poor spike, hard on them both, they need communication, i guess it takes time.

so sad, poor buffy, poor spike, hard on them both, they need communication, i guess it takes time.

AHHH!! I swear you're KILLING me here! I can't take the emotional rollercoaster anymore :'( I loved the hand holding scene but you're breaking my heart here for both of them. Poor Spike and poor Buffy!!!

And I exhaled. Great chapter, luv. I'm glad to see them becoming friends once more, and not the fragile friendship that started before she died. This time its real and she doesn't have to worry about what her friends will thing and say. I'm also still loving how Angel is supporting both of them, even though I know it's hard on him to a point. I mean, we know Angel has sorta moved on, knowing there can be nothing more between him and Buffy other than friendship. Looking towards more.

oof. I can't decide if I'm happy aobut what happened in that chapter or not.
You are far too good at putting us through an emotional wringer, DoS.

it is very good to see buffy maturing (with the help of "that Joyce-like voice in her head." excellent read, thank you.

First of all, that movie sounds so bad, it could only have been on Lifetime. It would probably have one of their self-explanatory titles like, "My Husband Is A Serial Killer." :)

Ever since Spike came back, I still cannot help but to feel for Buffy. It's bad enough when someone you love is hurting, and you're completely helpless to make it better, but you at least are able to hug them, or get them to talk about their feelings. Buffy can't even do that, so she's even more helpless than usual. Sure, Spike let her hold his hand when neither of them was expecting it, but as soon as she tried to comfort him with words, he took that away. I am in no way poo-pooing Spike's feelings or what he must be going through, but Buffy's hurting as well.

It's interesting to see their roles in Season 6 reversed. Perhaps Buffy will realize what Spike must have felt like every time that he reached out to Buffy and she pulled away. And perhaps Spike will realize that he's pulling away like Buffy did when he tried to comfort her. Then maybe they will both realize that the other person wants to help out of love, and eventually we can all get our freaking happy ending out of these freakishly stubborn characters! :grr:

Okay, I'm done now.

Aw, I love Buffy comforting Spike and poor Spike's serious emotional trauma- definitely heartbreaking stuff you've illustrated so beautifully. Excellent chapter!

Moving right along in a wonderful way to cement the relationship!

I'm so happy that they've become friends, it's great to see them build up a relationship.

aww

*whimpers* I don't handle sad stuff well.... are we getting to the happiness soon?

Glad they're finding a comfortable friendship between them. It's good that she's a little jealous of Angel and the comfort that Spike has found in him. Perfect premise for her to interact with him on a more personal level. Happy to know that she realizes, this is all about him now. Well written DOS, thanks for the update.

Ick - that TV movie was creepy - was that the one Xander was watching before he went on his rampage? And, can Spike sneak up the stairs later? Intense.

"And these days, the Summers clan included Spike."

Yay! Very promising. And I like Buffy's Joyce-voice and Spike's self-restraint and ... well, just yum!

Ah yes! Progress is made at last. They are building trust by actually thinking of the other person and their needs once again like before all the bad of S6 started. The longest trips are begun with the smallest steps. This time they are walking side by side and in time hand in hand.

Lovely update. Enjoy Angel acting as counselor...THAT should give him plenty to brood over *G*. Willow at Xander's side makes sense but also scares me a bit. Giles and Anya are a treasure. So glad Giles is not reverting to the "Spike is a soulless vampire" mode...he's learned!

Wonderful.

Kathleen

Two steps forward and one step back -- the way it's got be. Spike's got a long way to go and Buffy means well but she's not exactly queen of tact!

Good for her- she stopped herself from telling him how he should feel.

And, I think at least part of the emotions he was feeling were hers. Spike's always been very perceptive when it comes to her. He has to know how much she wants to be close- how much she wants to touch him.

The fact that she is respecting his wishes is going a long way to showing him how much she really does care; how much she loves him.

Yep, that's how it's going to be for a while....time will close the wound, eventually, but forgetting takes, well, a hit to the head, or a spell, or dementia....

Thank goodness, she's learned, and is *conscious* of what she does. We finally have a Buffy that thinks before speaking.

WOW Great chapter! Poor Spike! But Buffy is doing a good job. I can't say for once if i would have been able to do any differently. BTW I think its great Angel is being so helpful, I acually like him in this story.... ummm strange!

Most Spuffy's gloss over the bad stuff.  Spike's stuff, but especially Buffy's stuff.  Most want to get to the ooey goeey 'good stuff'...  One thing I've realized is that painful honesty, however mind wrenchingly painful it is, is the only way through the crap to a relationship that's worht having.  Most people don't get there.  Most people don't even know they need to.  Sometimes being truly, utterly fucked up is what's required to show you that you need to change.  I've never seen Spike so strong, so masculine, so real and so whole.  He's always been Buffy's little puppy... and though there's a place for the unconditional love part of that equation, there's not place in an adult relationship for self flaggellation and giving up yourself.  

this has been an amazing, well written and insightful ride... and oh... the thriller part... that was pretty damn awesome as well.  I really do hope someone's paying you for your writing. 

Peace,

Blue

I think this would have been a good place to end the story. Not that i'm not happy that you continued, because i am... happy that is, that you kept writing. Just that last scene was good story ending material.

*giddy*
(I know, more than likely, there's more angst coming up but right now I'm just happy!)
*squee!*
Finally, a real conversation between them with Buffy letting Spike talk and her understanding that she still has to work to catch up to Spike. Everything about their conversation seemed right - from the awkwardness and Buffy constant interruptions to prove her point to Spike still trying to reassure Buffy to Buffy's revelation. Just pure lovely goodness.

I think the only word that can describe this chapter is absolutely brilliant! It's so wonderful to see them respecting each other and taking things slowly, regaining trust and all. beautiful work!

Humpf. I take one day off from Spuffy goodness and you're updating behind my back. I give these two one hour max, or less since this is Spike's plan. And, how precisely does the Buffster plan to measure this love thing?

impressive maturity - and just when did Dawn get so incredibly scary.

awww.. you make my heart break.. lovely chapter :)

I know that everything that Spike said had to hurt her but it had to be said. And I am so proud of Spike getting through this and not backing down. Awesome chapter.

So glad that he's standing up for himself and a healthy relationship with her and not go back to what was easy, for her. Well done DOS, thanks for this terrific fic.

Great chapter. Loved the ground rule Spike laid down. Wonder how long they both will live by them, or will they be mature enough to hold out until Buffy gets to were Spike is already. Can't wait for more.

Nice chapter, I guess we have a long way to get Buffy there, don't we? I liked Spike standing up for himself and expecting respect!
Please update soon!

Great to see that Spike and Buffy are trying to work it out.

*whines* Why is Spike being so stubborn?

"In time -- she would get there." fortunately spike has time. very good chapter, thank you.

This would be a perfect ending point..the way you placed the last sentence and all. But I know there's more to come to get Buffy there where Spike needs her.

So, I suppose Spike spent the last week coming up with "The Rules." It seems sort of ironic that the non-person who unlives with no rules, is the one who is now all about rules. Almost always, I empathize with Spike, not just in BHNM, but anywhere. But I cannot help but to sympathize with Buffy in this chapter. She took a huge risk by going to see Spike in L.A., and she must have been elated to have him come back, but Spike's I-love-you-don't-touch-me rules have got to sting. Not that Buffy hasn't stung Spike to the umpteenth degree, but she must be taken aback by not being able to at least hug Spike, especially after he accepted Dawn's hug so readily. Yet, Buffy is taking it like a trooper. May I make a request for one little hug before the end of this story? This has been a rough journey, and I think Buffy needs it almost as much as I do :)

Well, I was a bit worried about Spike running after Buffy a whole week after he asked for time -- but this sounds like he has given things some thought. My favorite part is the end -- where Spike says she's not really there, and she sees that he's right. Yay!

Glad that Buffy doesn't want him in a crypt anymore -- but agree with those who think it'd be better if he found a place of his own.

Loved your author's response to Photography Nut over on the other site!

I love the way things have been laid out - looking forward to their getting to know one another again. Thanks for the update!

Oh yes....a wonderful MATURE adult love with no baggage to load them down. Love can soar without the weight of the past.

You know, I've always thought the very worst thing Buffy did to Spike amongst the many in S6 was after Xander's wedding was called off. She ran into Spike and they were chatting in the cemetary until WIllow and Xander showed up. She went into the whole, "I was just interrogating Spike. Looking for contraband." thing. He had earned at least a show of friendship after helping with Glory and this was a terrible slap in the face. She was making him the evil monster and enemy with her words. I hated her for that! Blows and abuse he could take and give back again (to quote from Aldonza in Man of La Mancha)....the words though were another thing entirely.

Your Buffy is learning and your Spike has found himself again after having been torn down to the foundation by Xander.

Loving this story. You are inspired.

Kathleen

Well, as long as she doesn't break the rules...heh.

With the whole going slow thing, I'd like to see Spike get his own place soon. The basement is fine as a temporary measure until he can work something out, but if they're starting from scratch, he needs to be in his own place.

Okay - I think it's best if I just stop reading this story. I really wished that it wouldn't come to this or that I could say something different, but I've really lost sight of the appeal of Spike in this story & Buffy has just tunred into such a.. girl! LOL.

I'm sorry & I don't want you to be offended by this - I really love most of the fic & still think you're a freaking amazing author, but I'm of the opinion it'd best that I stay away until you start on whatever project you have planned next. Which is what. by the way? :) :) :)

And finally Buffy gets it. Hopefully she get there quickly, but not too quick. Cause I seriously don't want this to end yet.

Great chapter, love how Spike just layed it all out there.

Can't wait to see what else will happen. More please.

I love Spike for spelling out his terms and for having them be about their relationship being one of equals that care about and respect each other. He is right to demand respect and equality, especially after everything he has been through. I also love him for insisting that she let him get out what he wanted to say, rather than rushing forward with platitudes that might not mean much. I also really respected Buffy for realizing that while she may grow to in time she doesn't love him with the same intense devotion that he loves her.

Beautiful chapter :)
Although I'm more of a fan of spike getting his own flat somewhere. that would be better for his self-esteem. Ever since Xander he's been living with somebody else, it's time to spread his wings.

Very nicely done. Please don't let Buffy screw anything up. I am a Spuffy fan and I want their relationship to succeed.

Now that was a conversation they desperately needed to have. Good on them.

Yes, buffy submits! muahahahahahaha.

Cards on the table - and with such honesty. Lovely chapter. Spike deserves some happiness.

I'm glad he laid downthe ground rules for Buffy. That way it cuts off any temptation to backslide.

Yay, the two are reuinited and ready to begin again! Its not surprising that it took a bit of time. Much thanks for the chapter.

YEA!!!!! Great Chapter! GO SPIKE GO SPIKE GO SPIKE! :)

I feel an ending coming on,,, whats next??

You do know that I wish there were more to read don't you?

Because I really do.

It just got really intersting again.

He is back!!!!!!! I really hope that they are both ready for this. I am so glad that Buffy and Spike were able to talke things out if not with each other but with Angel. In all honesty I think he was a calming force between the two and I will put Dawn in the category as well. I just love it. She better not mess this up this time.

ooooh i got 2 chapters this week :)

excellent.. :D

All I can say to that is awwww.

It's such an interesting thing to see Buffy and Spike be open about their relationship and their thoughts with other people. Particularly when one of those people is Angel. I have to say I am loving him in this for all he is doing to help both of them and keep his own ego out of the situation. I'm very curious about what made Spike decide to come now, and how they will adjust to being back in each others presence.

Oh lovely chapter! The ending was quite a surprise and Angel's conversation with Buffy was wonderfully insightful. I can't wait to see what Spike and Buffy will do now!

Great chapter. I loved the way Spike just showed up, and that Buffy had to realise that she might not deserve him.

Ahh I love this fic and that ending to that chapter was great. Perfect in fact.

I think you've dealt so well with all of this. All the heartache and the tough decisions. So much so that this part, with him showing up, feels perfect, not rushed, yet not painstakingly slow.

Cannot wait for more. Wonderful fic.

Woo-hoo!!! (does Snoopy dance around the room) That was fabulous!! Great update. I like the way he shows up just in time to give a very appropriate sarcastic response! More soon, please?!?!

Guess Spike didn't let angel in on his decision to return. Perfect conversation for her to have with Angel. Again thank you for not rushing this, it desereved to play out just as it has. Buffy needed to feel worthy of him, not the other way around like always. What ever problems they might have, they can work on them together and this time without Xanders interference. Everyone else will accept them, even Giles at this point. Fabulous story DOS, thanks again.

“I’m a bloody idiot.”

“You‘re right. You *are* an idiot.”

That, in a nutshell, sums up the dynamic of Angel and Spike's relationship.

You've managed to do something that no other writer, whether on the show or in fanfic, has managed to do: you've made me like Angel. I've never had an outright disdain for the character, but I've not had any warm fuzzy feelings toward him. It's probably mostly his abandonment of Buffy that gives me any animosity. But, here you have Angel helping Spike, and Angel--of all people--helping to give us a Spuffy ending, and you've made it completely believable that it could happen with your Angel. Don't get me wrong, I'll still go on not liking Angel, but it will be for some completely unfair reason like he's just not Spike :)

And since I've been on the fence about whether or not Spike should take Buffy back:

I guess I forgot what I like most about Spike: he always follows his heart. Spike was thinking with his head when he sent Buffy away. Logically, there is no reason why Spike should want to be around Buffy. But Spike is happiest when he listens to his heart, a heart that tells him, "Are you a complete nutter? You love her, you daft prick. Everything else with work itself out, yeah?"

Nice chapter. I liked teh bit where Angel told Spike he's an idiot.
I expected Spike to be in the doorway at the end, mirror of the last chapter.

As always, love seeing Buffy take the blinders off and getting a handle on her own feelings.

Really? It just took 8 more days?

Sneaky of Angel not to let on that Spike had already left.

I still hope they don't fall into the physical relationship right away, even though he feels ready to come to terms with the rest of his head with her around. They get lost in sex again, and all that helpful talking will go out the window. They need to court (which isn't the same as date).

fine read, thank you. dawn was fun,. spike showing up at the chapter end was excellent timing. will enjoy where you take the rest of this fine tale.

Fingers crossed! Buffy had better not bow it. Angel is being such a gent this.

Great surprise ending. And I wonder if Buffy'll ever figure out that panicky note in Angel's voice.

Spike's still feeling torn with sending Buffy away but wanting her to stay. I feel for him so much. Iknow it's hard from him, so many emotions. I guess its safe to say the two strongest are love and trust. He still loves her but he needs to trust her.

And Buffy's just frustrated, she knows that her actions both the ones down out of anger before Xander got is hands on Spike and after lead to the sistuation that she is facing. But theres nothing she can do to fix it. Just time.

Nice touch at the end, didn't excpect to find Spike standing in the livingroom. Bet Buffy's thrilled, though I don't think she'll show it yet. She'll wait for Spike to make the first move that everything is ok between them. Will there be more talking between them, or have they arrived at an understanding? Can't wait for more.

“I’m a bloody idiot.”

AHA! He admits it!

*hangs head in shame*

Sorry, excellent chapter, but you really play on my emotions & I tend to want to retaliate. If any of my reviews have seemed mean they are in no way directed at you, it's just these characters I want to strangle sometimes.

And while it's nice that he's back, I just don't know... For one thing, I know Dawn & Spike are friends, but she has truly been a immature bitch for rubbing her 'ecellent friend-type relationship' with Spike in Buffy's space. I do actually like dawn, but this fic has really shown that Dawn has a lot of growing up to do & possibly some jealousy issues to work on.

The other is this - Spike said he thought he & did, forgive her. But, wouldn't completely forgive or forget. I'm sorry, but it really bothers me that if they do for some reason go through witht his relationship... how could Buffy live with that? She doesn't deserve to have Spike constantly hanging it over her head, you know?

And I'm sure that's probably stupid cuz she wasn't exactly innocent...

basically, I'm mostly pissed at all of the anti-Buffy & pissed at her poor choice at decisions. So, I'm not complaining about your writing or anything, just more irritated you made me hate her so much in this story, you know? So, again, I'm sorry for some my reviews that may have been closer to flames, cuz I didn't mean to.

I'm just so confused! All I can think is, Buffy doesn't deserve to be with Spike, yet Spike doesn't deserve to be with Buffy. And at the same time I'm thinking "If DoS doesn't give this fic a bloody happy Spuffy ending, I'll go out of my mind!"

See, what I mean? I'm just all mixed up...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that's all there is to say about that. ;)

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

EEEEE!!!


OK, that's not to most coherent or helpful comment ever, but that ending just made me want to dance around the room. I don't know how you manage it, but no matter what you (and they) put them(selves) through, I can't help loving your Buffys and Spikes.

MMM... Spikes...

Interesting, and very logical insight of Buffy's about Angel's feeling all "protective papa" about Spike. Certainly he was like that when he was trying to keep Xander from hurting him again, and when he gave Spike a place to go away from Buffy.

Now the kiss and make up part? :)

Hope Buffy got that car from Rent-A-Wreck.

Okay,that was heart-rending. Really liked the part where Buffy believes Angel is against her being with Spike because she isn't good enough for Spike.

You're not really letting Buffy off the mat so soon?

Ooo turn about being fair play....another surprise visit *G*.

This is so right. Spike has so much to process. He has to deal with all that happened before Xander, all the Xander crappola, who HE is, what HE can accept and what HE wants and THEN deal with his real feelings for Buffy.

Buffy has to finally settle the whole human vs. vampire issues that are ingrained in her subconscious AND learn to put others needs ahead of her own!

Glad you are having them work out their psychic demons even before they address their rocky relationship. If they pull this off they will FINALLY be ready for a real, permanent, committed love.

Yay you! Yay them! Yay us!

Excellent my dear.....you tell a grown up story about grown up love.

Kathleen
...:::awash in admiration:::...

***sobs*** oh my gosh! i don't think i could finish reading...i'm so emotional right now...couldn't stop crying... so, very touching.... ***sobs*** you are such a brilliant writer!

Beautiful!

A girl misses a couple of updates...

OK, now i need to get the tears out of my eyes so I can go to class.

You're seriously killing me right now. *sigh* I mean, I get why it has to happen... it's good for both of them, but *arghhhh*
This is why I try not to read anything you write until it is complete because of the torture. (at least I tell myself not to read it, but I've never been successful. Not once. You're just too good a writer to resist.)

This chapter was so beautiful and incredibly written and heartwrenchingly intense *gush!* amazing job! I think this is the first time I've ever come thisclose to crying during a fic :) Can't wait to see what happens next!

both buffy and spike showing signs of, if not wisdom,at least growing mature. excellent chapter, thank you.

Oh, this breaks my heart, so proud of Buffy.

Awwww! You made me cry!

Yes! that's about as honest has they've been with each other ever! Want she's done to him over the last two years and longer, isn't anything that's going to be solved this soon. It might have if he know what he was dealing with but since she waited for six weeks before she had the courage to face him this might have gone differently for them. She needs to feel what it's been like for him all this time, not being with the one that you love and not knowing if you ever will. Wonderful done DOS, thank you for staying true to this story and not making this easy.

Just so you know, explaining why I'm crying like an idiot here at work is difficult. I loved the chapter in spite of the tears.

Damn. That was one hell of a chapter.

Very nice. I hope would ends up happening is that Buffy wises up to the fact that Spike is still William, the Victorian Gentlemen, and realizes the best way to help prove she loves him is to let him court her.

Simply stunning. Nobody explores the relationship between Spike and Buffy with the depth and understanding that you do. This chapter proves again just what a powerful talent you are. You always give us so much to think about, and that's why we keep coming back for more.

Boy, you are really not going to let these two off easy. That was awesome. Hope he's going to run after her now that he sees Buffy is willing to do what he needs, even if it hurts. Hope the sun isn't shining.

If you don't have him chase her out the door in the next chapter I swear I'll throw something....

*grumbles*

Elizabeth Anne Summers - Are we really the only ones that think this way?

Yes Buffy, do go. The ass does not deserve you. If he can't get over the fact you were trying to keep Xander & you both alive because she FREAKING LOVED BOTH YOU!!! Then I say, 'stake him, move on to a different dimension where a nice Spike still resides. Because that was so freaking unfair of him to bitch & moan that she didn't contact him for six weeks when she thought she was doing what he wanted & then say 'never mind, go away'.

OMG! I'm so mad right now! because you made me hat Spike! NO one has ever made me hate Spike!

WHHHYYYY??!?!?

*goes off to cry*

In the last chapter, you gave us Buffy's realization that the way that she treated Spike made her a monster. In this chapter, you give something else that we never got on the show. Spike realizes his mistake with Buffy: “…tried to join you in the light…you just kept bloody pushing me out again. So -- I thought the only way to be with you...was to pull you into the dark, with me.” This story has been just as cathartic for us as it has been for the characters. Thank you for the gift of Season 6 closure :)

Spike's love for Buffy makes it relatively easy for him to forgive her, even if he's not able to forget her treatment of him. It's hard for Buffy to ask his forgiveness, but it's just as hard-if not harder--for Spike to ask her to leave. He's always given into her whims, her needs, her desires, so it must be difficult for him to think of his own needs first for once in his unlife. He knows he loves her, but he's wondering if it's worth all of the pain and the heartache. So, he wants (more) time to heal and to decide.

Perhaps the fact that Buffy does as he asks will help him to believe that she really does love him. It might seem that Buffy leaves too easily, but we can't forget that the last time that she didn't do as Spike asked, the Harrises were murdered, Xander wound up in a coma, Spike was almost shot again, and Willow almost went black again. If only Buffy would listen to Spike more often :P

Oh, and I loved when Spike said, "you want us to just *be there*." He called them and "us." :D

Knew from the title you were going this way....and I'm relieved. Spike still has too much to deal with *outside* his relationship with Buffy. People should approach a relationship, if they want it to last, as two healthy individuals, and he's not even close to being solidly on his feet again, yet.

As for her "you pulled me into my darkness" crap...it's just that, crap. We all have to be accountable for our *own* choices, and she didn't have to do a damn thing about Spike's words. He said things - so what? SHE's the one that acted on them, and she did it because she wanted it. Free will...it is a bitch. He didn't make her do one little thing.

Very emotional. Loved it.

WOW, very good, and very gut renching. I think this was one of the chapters where I really felt it. So raw, both of them, and Buffy took a huge step, not only placing all her cards on the table, but she wasn't ashamed to plead for Spike. And she finally removed her tunnelvision glasses and saw past her own feelings and took Spike's into concideration. Way to good girl.

She's now matching action to word, she loves him and she's going to give him the space he needs to heal and reflect. Will there be more reflection? And will it be on both ends? It looks as if Buffy's taking small steps towards maturity.

Can't wait for more.

and buffy grows up.
That was amazing, DoS.

This is mature. He needs time but he did need to know she was there at the end of it all, for him. She needs to do more thinking and growing too. I think lots of phone calls would help...these two need to TALK (as Spike tried to get her to do all through that bleak year! They started out okay until they started having destructive sex...time to go back to when it was good and work from there. Wise choice! Good for her for getting it too!

Love this: “I *tried* to learn, Buffy! I tried to be what you deserved -- what you wanted…” He paused, his voice softening as he continued, a bit self-consciously, “…tried to join you in the light…you just kept bloody pushing me out again. So -- I thought the only way to be with you -- the only way to -- to make you mine -- was to pull you into the dark, with me.” Exactly why he acted as HE did in S6....he didn't exactly have anyone there to help him know how to move to the light and all of them kept trying to shove him into the dark again! Excellent insight!

Love how you are dealing with the mop up here.

Kathleen

Terrific chapter. Spike definitely needs the space to recover -- though judging by the way he stuck to his guns, he's making a good start. Credit to Buffy for resisting her instincts, at last she's learning something.

Yeah!!!! Buffy finally grew up, and did what he needed. Now, wait as long as it takes to deal with that; a month or two- or not, whichever- and GO AFTER HER, SPIKE!

**wails** Gorgeously painful.

Very emotional chapter . Great work.

Good chapter. I was glad to have Spike acknowledge some of his own failings -- but also that he's aware that they were mostly reactions to the impossible situation Buffy had created for him (not letting him into the light). Cool though that he still takes responsibility for his part of the badness that was their 'relationship'.

Yup, Buffy finally gets it at the end. Hooray! My only query for you is how you account for her sudden growth. Even through most of this scene it's all about her, and then she suddenly 'gets' it. Usually, when a character grows it's as a result of "overhearing" themselves or something happening that makes them see things in a new and better light. Here it just seems to bubble up out of nowhere. Glad that it DOES, of course -- but I'd have liked to see it as a more organic development.

Wow, for once Buffy didn't do as she wanted, and did what he asked her to do. I really hope the badness isn't too bad, 'cause I love a spuffy ending.
Great chapter!

Excellent chapter. You captured Buffy and Spike perfectly in this chapter. I am glad that you had Buffy honor Spike's request. Hopefully now the true healing will begin.

Lovely, heart-wrenching chapter. It seems they've both made a wise decisions. I'm anxious to see how it unfolds.

Oh good gawd.... what is wrong with you?

You are amazing in your wonderfulness, didja know that? ;) I love how you can draw out these moments so that they're so exquisitely painful and heartfelt. I'm glad that Buffy finally figured out that it's not about *her* - that she needs to let Spike do this on his own terms.

I'm so torn about Spike. On the one hand, I can't imagine how anyone could ever still love someone after what's happened to him, but on the other hand, it's *Spike* and so I can't imagine him ever not loving Buffy, no matter what. I think she's done all the groveling she can do, and I so want a happy ending, but I wouldn't blame Spike if he said he couldn't even be with her after this.

oh boy oh boy oh boy !!!!! Where did THIS Buffy come from??? You know I always believed Spike had the depth to verbalize his feelings like you stated in the chapter but I always doubted Buffy. You made me believe she could really grow. Thank you! Great chapter!

I was very surprised that Spike asked her to go and even more so that she actually did it. That she could see what he needed was more important than what she wanted, and she needed to respect his need and desire to heal. It was a remarkably insightful and I'm sure painful decision for Spike to make. To realize that he needed to figure things out on his own without her clouding the issue.

excellent read, thank you. buffy's moving in the right direction. don't think she is there yet.

Good to see Buffy acknowledging her failures but more talking needed before anything else! She'd better not mess Spike around!

Damn, well it's brilliant that Buffy finally stepped up. I like the touch of her showing up there rather than talking over the phone, since wtf kind of conversation is THAT to have over a wire? lovely chapter, I sacrifice goats in pleading for another. ^_^

awwwwww... *tear*

Just to warn you, I think this is going to be a long one.

Back during the whole does-DoS-hate-Buffy debate, I kept thinking that you were meerly portraying Buffy as her character would act and react if put into this storyline. Buffy has always had a very clear black/white, evil/good, demon/human perspective of the world, which made it necessary to do her job as the Slayer. Why wouldn't she has the same view in BHNM? The one time that she made an exception with Angel, he turned evil, started muching on the denizens of Sunnydale, killed her teacher, and tried to suck the world into hell. Buffy didn't want to make what she thought was the same mistake twice. So, Buffy got stuck in her demon = bad, human = good view, making Buffy resistant to seeing the good in Spike and the bad in Xander. This whole debaucle finally made her see the grey: "'being human doesn’t make you good. And -- and I think -- being a vampire doesn’t *necessarily* -- make you bad.” Somebody get that girl another Scooby snack! :-)

Spike says some harsh, but painfully true things to Buffy in this chapter:
"'all you really were interested in was protecting the Whelp from the truth of what he‘d done...tossed me aside like some bloody blow up doll that’d seen its better days…*When* did you start treating me any better, because I must have missed the bloody memo on that one...‘I love you’ line of crap.'"
I'm glad that Spike was able to let Buffy know just how much--and how often--she hurt him. It's one thing for Buffy to realize that on her own, but to see just how badly that Spike suffers may drive the point home. It's good that Buffy can see that even after she told Spike that she loves him, her actions affected him so deeply that he can't even believe her when she gives him that one thing that he's always wanted.

I read this chapter twice 'cause I wasn't entirely sure what I was feeling/thinking the first time around. I suppose I may be feeling conflicted because that must be how Spike is feeling: he wants to believe Buffy, but he's not sure if he should. I want Spike to believe Buffy, but I'm not sure if he should. Anyway, I have faith in the next chapter because you haven't disappointed me yet :cheer:

Oh, and I wanted to thank you for having Buffy confess to Spike the realization that he never got on the show: “'I took advantage of you in the worst ways, Spike -- and all the time I was telling myself that it was okay -- it didn’t really matter -- because you weren’t human..And that made *me* the monster.'"

Okay, that was rather long :-P

Buffy has been doing some deep thinking here. She could have gone back further to how the group (led by her) taunted Spike when he came to them for help after escaping the Initiative. How they did nothing to try to encourage his posiive changes and were verbally cruelwhen he was at their mercy. That set the pattern if you think about it. Glad Buffy is on the right track now.

I don't expect Spike to simply fall into her arms but this is a great first step. He needs to apologize for all that "you belong in the darkness" stuff that didn't help Buffy the past year too. That only pushed her further into bad behavior.

Excellent update. Almost feel sorry for Angel except his "love story" with Buffy has been over for years even if he didn't admit it to himself.

Kathleen

Well, Buffy made quite a start on mending their relationship (such as it is) with this heart-wrenching, face-to-face apology. I know it took guts for her to come see Spike, and I know that she's sincere, but I think there's going to have to be more. Words mean a lot and there is no doubt that Spike needed to hear all of this and that Buffy needed to say it, but actions are what really count. As others have said, I think they need to start over as friends and just take it slow, see how it goes.

As for Angel, I can't believe how mature and generous he's being here. As a character, I always liked him better on AtS than I did on BtVS. I think you've written him closer to how he was on AtS where he was often shown as being more thoughtful and compassionate than he was in Sunnydale. Maybe it has something to do with getting Angelus away from the Hellmouth or just getting him away from Buffy. lol They are definitely two people who aren't really good for each other.

All in all, a beautifully written chapter that leaves me longing for more. Just can't wait to see Spike's reaction. :)

Great chapter, yet again.
Wow, an apology from Buffy. That was kinda big. I hope Spike says yes.

I'm glad they're finally talking. Will Spike be able to forgive her? Good chapter!

SAY NO! Ok, kidding. Say yes.

I just finished all the new chappies and what a ride. Xander is brain dead and Buffy makes the first move to fnally see Spike and I think she grew up juuussttt a little bit. I want Spike to make her work very hard to get him back..he can't make it easy on her. She has always been the one that got away with too much as if it were her right.

I love Spike's strength of character and that he isn't afraid to speak his mind about her treatment of him in the past. Does Buffy really love him/let her prove it.
This is such a great story and response from readers is a testament to your skill as an author. You are the best...
Kim

What a gut wrenching chapter! You placed everything on the table for them to work out their problems. This is a beautifully written tear jerker chapter.

I never really thought that Buffy would be that open and honest with him, but I am so glad that she is. Now what will Spike do? I wouldn't blame him if he said 'NO'. I mean how much hurt and rejection can you take. Buffy is recognizing what she has done wrong, but will that be enough for him?

That was wonderful - especially the fighting part, or maybe especially Buffy's very heartfelt apology. Worth waiting for.

SO - Buffy has apologised, and Spike _wants_ to believe her, but is having a hard time of it. I don't think the apology satisfied me, somehow. I know she's being terribly sincere, and these admissions are very hard for her, even now...it's just a tiny bit...flat...somehow. Maybe when we get some more reaction to Spike or something.
Sill wondering how she got there! :)

I have to agree with "Maggie2", "A" and "Kim" - Buffy doesn't know what she's talking about and she's in way over her head. Buffy as the Slayer is almost completely about action and instinct, but when it comes to relationships (all kinds) that doesn't work out. She has an awful long way to go and the first step has to be that she realizes that. I don't believe she's there yet, is she?

Oh, this love hurts, even to a bystander. But the good ones always do. And it's so worth fighting for. Or maybe I'm just saying that Spike is worth fighting for? I don't honestly know.

I think that is both the most elaborate and the most simple apology I've ever seen Buffy make. Looking forward to more of this.

Maggie2, you're pretty dead-on. Those are my concerns, as well. Buffy has lived a pretty self-absorbed existence all the way back to before she became a Slayer. Yes, she does the sacrifices...but they are *sacrifices* to her, because of a *job*....and this is a girl who could have blissfully gone on forever in her pampered, self-absorbed little life without the PTBs getting involved. She's seen everything as a chore, a duty, that she has no choice...and it's not true. Her mindset hurts both her and those around her.

Yes...there's only one little statement in her last plea that is about Spike. She's not lying now, of course, but I do think she's in over her head...that she doesn't know at all how to do what she's claiming she wants. She and Spike have become very May/December. This experience has stripped him down and matured him...given him an intensely clear picture of what he does and doesn't want for his life, added on to what he already knew before. And Buffy...is very much behind where he's gotten to. I don't think their age difference has shone anymore clearly than in this moment in this chapter. They're just not at the same point in life.

Basically - Buffy's ready to "go steady", and Spike's ready for a wife, to pare it down in terms of levels of love.

Ditto Maggie2's review for me again. As happy as I was that Buffy finally got her butt to Spike to apologize, I couldn't help but feel funny when Buffy told Spike that even after she declared her love for him, he mattered less to her than humans and friends. Makes me concerned for Buffy and her ability to love and be in an actual give-and-take relationship. I don't fault the Slayer for her views about vampires. I do have a problem with Buffy's views of love and how to treat a boyfriend. She does, however, sound like she knows her attitudes were wrong. I hope she has the ability to be in a loving relationship. I guess the next few chapters will tell us that! Thanks for thought-provoking chapter.

Good for Buffy for giving a pretty full apology. We know that Buffy doesn't apologize easily -- so this is no small thing.

I am pondering, however, her account of why she bullied Spike into going along with the plan. She says that deep down, she still thought of him as less than human and that Xander, a human and her friend (btw: does that mean she didn't think of Spike as her friend?), mattered more (at least that's what I understand her to be saying). That's plausible, I suppose. It's easier to understand and forgive the bad things she has done because of her black/white picture about demons and humans. But that's not how the failure read to me. To me, Buffy's first confession of love was her way of expressing the fact that she didn't like the idea of losing what Spike represents to her -- namely one person in the world who loves her unconditionally. And because that's all she really meant, it made sense that she wouldn't even see that it was a problem to try to use him to meet her needs when it came to figuring out the truth about Xander -- cause her "love" for Spike was just her love for someone who met important needs for her. That's how it all read to me. And in a lot of ways it still does. She's here to apologize, but the last paragraph is all about what she wants. There's not quite a sense of respectful distance -- of saying she just needed to apologize, that she was worried about the effect all of this has had on him, that she wants him to do whatever he needs to do, and that if he were willing she'd love another chance. Instead it's that she's sorry, and that she wants him to forgive her and to give her another chance. The difference between the two is that the first focuses on concern for him and what he wants, while the second is about her and what she wants. Is she sorry because she hurt him? Or is she sorry because she fears she has finally pushed him away for good?

So yeah -- good that she apologizes. We'll see if she can grow into the sort of love that is about the other person, and not so much about herself. Rome wasn't built in a day! Or maybe Spike will be happy enough to have her finally willing to receive his love, even if it means that it will all still be about her.

Alas I am sick with the flu so this will be short. I LOVED this chappie. More please. Ok, crawling off to bed now.

Thank you DOS for giving her the right words to say to him. This was all on her and she needed to take full responsibility for it. All Spike did was be there for her and her friends and love all the Summers women. This is one of the few fics that Angel is trying to be the better vamp for a change and give them what they need, great work. Excellent chapter, thanks.

WOW GO BUFFY! That was unbelieveably hard for her I know but was SO NEEDED for both of them! I have been so anti-Buffy this fic and I know thats not really fair she is just acting out of what she thinks she knows, even if it is messed up and twisted... BUT GROWTH!!!! WOW Go Buffy! and YEA FOR SPIKE!!!! He so needed to hear that!

Aaaaww. How sweet. Buffy was taking one hell of a chance going to see him. I still can't quite believe that she would be so presumptous as to just expect he would want to see her. But he's being fairly decent about th whole thing. And while i know everyone is all 'poor Spike;, Buffy did make a mistake, but she DID cut him down from those chains, take him to her house & at least tried to comfort him.

I'll probably get bitched at for this... yeah, Spike's been through hell, but at the moment I'm thinking poor Buffy too. And I'm very proud of her right now.

you stopped THERE??? That's it, no more BoMB or Haunted for you!

Ah amazing as always :) I can't wait to hear Spike's response....Buffy's apology was quite heartwrenching and beautifully done!

Very touching chapter. Buffy is definitely moving in the right direction - glad Spike is holding is own. I'm very interested to see where this goes. Thanks for the update!

I like how he made her clarify how far back she was sorry.

Now I'm torn between him giving her a chance or making her suffer .

Forgiveness he can give, as an act of healthy living, but trying? Right now? How about being friends and proving Buffy can treat him that well first? She's done so many things...the words do count, but not enough to wipe the slate clean and just start dating, or whatever. She has to back up her words, now, because they all know how bad she is at doing it in the first place!

Not a moment too soon!!!

Who knew that Angel could be so good at coaxing out Spike's inner thoughts? Well, I guess it's due to all the brooding but it sure focused Spike on the matter at hand. Now, looking forward to THE TALK!

took her long enough. very good read, thank you.

Well it's about damn time! ;)
Really happy with this chapter, there's alot of work to do, but maybe just maybe we're out of the angst.... oh lol who am I kidding. I'm sure angst is going to come around and smack me for that ^^

Keep up the great work! :)

wow! another great chapter! can't wait to read more!

I vowed to myself not to review until I saw some true Buffy angst and not just more of "Spike Angst".

I guess I must settle with this chapter.

The talk between Angel and Spike nearly made me cry, and when Buffy came, I was so glad. Finally she makes the first move!

Ugh.... stupid... what a cop out... Spike shoulda went back to Sunnydale, not this *snorts and goes off to bed muttering all sorts of stuff* ...gonna put a lot of errors in my next chapter for you to work on... punk... *pouts*

*don’t see why the monks couldn’t have made me Buffy’s incredibly brilliant, college graduate *older* sister, instead of making me suffer through the inhuman torture that is high school.* LOL. I actually have a challenge posted on that. About time Buffy went to LA.

Thanks for finally getting her to do something. I was getting tired of her crap. 6 weeks was to long for him to have been tortured like that. She had no reason left to ignore him other then she's being the same ol' selfish bitch Buffy. Said goodbye to Xander, Dawn's back on track and still pissed at her ignorance. So thank you so much for getting her off her ass and go to him. Really looking forward to this, Emotionly raw chapter for poor Spike, great job.

I didn't feel that Angel was encouraging Spike to make a big step, but his points of trying to point out both sides, and make Spike understand all sides, was pretty good. Spike didn't *have* to do anything with the understanding/info, but he did need to see beyong stubborness. I think Angel, because he's been talking to both of them, is just tired of the pain, and wants to see this resolved one way or another. If Buffy wasn't going to make a move, then just maybe...Spike would have to give a little hint that maybe her words would be *received*, at least. Or, he just had to put it behind him and move on. They can't stay in limbo.

But I'm very glad he didn't have to work out how to do that!

Well, finally! Excellent update luv. Can't wait for more.

OMG... OMG... she came. Holy cow, and everything holy too, lol. Never seen that coming, hee hee hee. I'm gussing she got Willow to teleport her to Angel's and at a excellent moment too. Can't wait to see what will happen next.

Can we still get Bufy spanked? lol

Angel's really shown some maturity in this fic. I like it.

I don't blame Spike for wanting her to make the first move. He's taken all the risks when it comes to thier relationship.

This shouldbe one interesting convo.

What Immortal Beloved said. Except maybe I'd toss in that after all of that she had the nerve to sit around for six weeks not making the first move because what -- she was afraid of being rejected? Still, credit where credit is due, let's give the girl a cookie for finally figuring out that just once she might have to be the one to risk something here.

Didn't think much of Angel's reasoning... no relationship can be healthy when the burden of reaching out ALWAYS falls on one side. It doesn't have to be even-steven, but it does have to be a two-way street. We'll see if Buffy and Spike ever figure this out...

Oh, THANK GOD! Buffy came to Spike. The way the conversation between Angel and Spike was going I was afraid that Spike was going to go back to Buffy. And let me tell you, I LOVE this story, but if that happened, I was going to have to stop reading it. Probably the thing that I love most about Spike is his dogged determination, his unwavering devotion, but there is only so much than a person can be expected to take. Spike's been tortured for Buffy, he's protected her family and her ungrateful friends, he got thrown off of a tower, he let Buffy beat him nearly more to death; she blew up Spike's crypt, used him as her own personal concubine, and practically sicced Xander on him. Spike is right: it is in no way too much to ask that she go to him. Buffy FINALLY did one thing right. Somebody toss the girl a Scooby snack! :)

Loved the way Angel plays Spike and agrees with him. Sneaky.

Well, THAT was an unexpected development! Great! I love surprises! (And you're so good at delivering them.) I like how they are both so paralyzed in their fear of each others' feelings for them. Both hurting so much for the other, but so scared of rejection, deserved or not. Nicely done.

I have a question - what does "a soft note of subtlety to his voice" mean? It's actually kind of a neat turn of phrase, but after I'd read it, I got down a couple of lines, and my brain kind of stopped and came back to it, and tried to figure out exactly what it meant. (I'm probably just being dense tonight...)

Thanks for the update!

Finally she wised up. Now let's see how badly those two can screw this up.

She came? Thought after Dawn hung up, that she was too much of a coward still....good heavens, I hope she didn't try to *drive*! Wonder how much she heard?

And yeah, it *isn't* about keeping score, but Spike isn't in the wrong, either, for wanting to not have to make all the effort, since he always has. And if he'd caved first, it just would have continued them in this unhealthy relationship of Buffy being able to do anything to him, and he still comes back and "forgives" her. And he doesn't deserve that. Spike's *not* a doormat. I'm really glad he didn't go to her.

Now, I hope he's strong with her. The boundaries have to be set *now*, because she still has so much power to hurt him. Her words mean diddly-squat, without actions and actions to back them up.

6 weeks....wow....

hmm well thats better than a phone call?

Hmmm, poor Buffy, she's so messed up, you just have to forgive her...Not.

But I'm really proud of her for showing up there too...

Proves she really is my girl :)

She was more than a little annoyed with Dawn’s attitude, and even more annoyed at the fact that she was pretty much right.

Okay - Dawn needs to stay THE HELL out of Spike & Buffy's relationship. And Angel is SO smart - it's not up to Buffy, it's up to Spike - I was so proud of her for staying away from him & finally learning her lesson. But now, she still has NO RIGHT to be there - She needs to stay away from Spike!

Well it's about damn time she got up off her ass and did something! I know it's going to be a long and painful conversation but queue the parade and seventy-six trombones! Buffy finally decided to do something right!

:dance:

And can I just say that I love Angel more and more as this story goes on? :D

Great update and I'm looking forward to the next one!

Ah, for once she does the right thing, finally. Hope that she overheard their conversation

Wordy me again...The one difference here from canon Angel S5 is Angel on the show was feeding Spike's insecurities and here he is the good sire helping Spike make good decisions.

Buffy and Spike are both damaged hearts with reason...they then hurt each other on top of the damage left by others.....add to that your story's complications and you have too people terrified of more hurt but loving too much to just chuck it. Beautiful.

K

YAY Buffy grows a backbone! Didn't see that ending but glad for it. Oh it isn't all puppies and roses yet but they need to start.

This chapter is the best spelling out of Angel S5 Spike/Buffy I've seen done. All the reasons (on both sides I think) clealy laid out. Very canon and on the money for these two gun shy characters.

I tried to respond on the forum but this MAC won't let me. I think the reason for the flip flops is that you have captured the complexity of these characters so very well (I mean there is even room to feel sad for little Xander being molded by his father into the guy who could and did these terrible things). You paint all the hues not just black and white just as on the show. It takes a certain amount of maturity (not age, but maturity) to see in more than black and white. That is why some people get stuck in "hate Buffy" or "Stupid Spike" mode.....they cant wrap around the fullness of the characters. The flaws, weaknesses, the wounded hearts and souls that are supremely wonderful and pure and also petty and proud. You cause heated debates because you paint them so very well! Nothing wrong with the depiction but the maturity filter of the reader will have a lot to do with the response (of course some people come in with prejudices already that shade things *G*).

Excelent as always.

Kathleen

Finally, a cliffhanger I like. I am glad that Buffy went to Los Angeles. Hopefully she and Spike will have a productive talk.

I love Buffy for going to him, and I really hope they can work things out by having an honest conversation. Can I say how much I wanted to give Angel a hug for being what Spike needed during that conversation and not just serving his own interests? And how heartbreaking was Spike's admittance that he is afraid of rejection and that he isn't enough? That he could even let himself say the words out loud is a sign of how much he has changed. I'm curious about how much Buffy heard, and how honest she is going to be in return

Aww... make it happy now, k? I want them to be happy. Much as I love the angst, if they have to fight again... I might cry.

oh so lovely! Buffy's emotions were done perfectly and so *her* -keeping it all inside instead of facing her fears and dealing with the issue -but I'm so glad she did. Angel and Spike's relationship is sweet, too. :) can't wait for the next chapter!

Wonderful chapter - totally agree with Angel about making concessions. I'm hoping they're moving in the right direction.

FINALLY! THANK GOD!!!!!

Buffy finally got her head out of her ummmm the ummmmmm SAND!

Great Chapter! My heart just aches for Spike ... PLEASE let Buffy be nice!

Ah, Buffy. **grinning ear-to-ear** It's about bloody time!

doing a refresher read - just wanted to say what a wonderful and beautiful chapter and transition point for Spike - and I love how you used Fred. Angel also has been used so well; bringing in his betrayal of Spike, but also a means for his coming back -

Spike words are so wonderful in this chapter - a perfect summation of all their history together.

"– saying she loved me – and not meaning it.” spike has that right. very goor read, tahnk you.

Oh and yeah, Spike left HER and he's getting pissy because she doesn't call him, like she's sposed to be a mind reader and just know when he's ready to talk to her again. I guess his brain isn't fully healed yet, the dumbass

she DID mean it you bit weepy dodo bird!!

Powerful statements in this chapter! Very well written. Spike understood that there was a high threshold to obtain Buffy's love. Understandably, he's upset.

Okay, wow. I just spent an embarrassingly long time being unproductive and doing nothing but catching up on this story. But it's a definite testament to your awesome writing that I COULD NOT stop.

I love love LOVE this fic. You capture the characters and their emotions so well, I was practically crying along with them several times. The portrayal of Spike's experience and behavior was spot-on (in the sense that I have no idea what I'm talking about but it sounded good to me...). He almost seemed to me like an animal, conditioned to certain responses by the torture, but with all the added weight of human emotions.

I almost have a hard time believing that Xander realized the extent of what he was doing to Spike - not because he isn't evil enough (you certainly made him convincing in his motivation) but because it's hard to even fathom the concept of debilitating a person to that point so as to completely rebuild them from nothing, and to rebuild them with such a degraded a self-image. It would be nearly impossible to do that to a human, because they wouldn't survive the injury, so it's hard to think Xander actually knew what would happpen to Spike when he did it.

Anyway, I'm getting rambly, so let me just say that your scenes of Spike's healing were so utterly heartbreaking, and so perfectly crafted. You portrayed his struggle so well, and Buffy's too - I didn't hate her as much as some people seemed to, I really sympathized with ALL the characters (well, except Xander, mostly). I thought it took her a little too long to finally admit it was Xander - she ignored obvious evidence, when she didn't even have an alternate theory, just "it couldn't be Xander because it's Xander" - but I did understand her motivations (even if I disagreed with them) for doing what she did.

This last chapter just breaks my heart... like someone else said, it's like the moment in Chosen all over again. That he can forgive her for everything she's done to him, but be hung up on the thought that she lied to him about loving him... says a lot about Spike.

*Really* looking forward to updates (I admit to a slight panic attack when I got to this chapter - for some reason I had it in my head that this was a completed fic, and I thought "how dare you end it that way!!" but we're okay now). This has been monumentally long, but well, it's a LONG story.

There were tears in my eyes at that last statement.

awww..... *tear* thats just so sad..

OMG! He thinks she didn't mean it? That is terrible! I thought she did.

Can I have your writing talent? I'll just borrow it for a while ;)
Seriously this story is turning out beautifully, great work!

I loved how this chapter is all about Spike. *hugs Spike* sadly there's no magic cure to make the hurt stop. How can you write your characters so real? Every single time you amaze me with their reactions. Like now, if it were me the one thing I would find unforgivable is exactly what Spike finds unforgivable. Sometimes when reading a book I find it dull not because it's poorly written but simply because the characters are unbelievable. With your stories I'm practically jumping out of my skin with the emotions you bring forth. *glances around* I'm pretty sure they're going to call the nice doctors with their sedatives if I keep yelling at my screen...sssst ;)

As for Buffy *sigh* I don't know what to feel about her. A part of me wants to kill her for doing this to Spike, another part understands her reaction. But being scared (justifiably or not) isn't an excuse to avoid Spike and to keep on hurting him. She made a mistake, it's time to own up to it.

*What he wasn’t so sure of was whether or not he *wanted* to lose her.* She's worth losing (did that sentence make sense?). You(DoS and Spike) are priceless and it would be tragic to lose you.

I love Fred for being there for Spike and helping him to verbalize his thoughts and fears. I can understand why Spike would think Buffy didn't really love him, but I wish he could see that it isn't the case. It makes sense that he would be able to forgive her everything but living up to her word and defending him above all others. I really hope she talks to him sometime soon

Poor Spike. I know that he as always been the one to put it all on the line for love. And he has never really gotten unconditional love back from anyone. But he has Angel now, Dawn always and even Fred to talk to. I just hope that Buffy can get her act together and stop hurting him. Awesome dialogue between Spike and Fred.

what the fuck!!!!!!!! where is the spuffy sex and happiness

That was so important for him to get out. He should be hurt, she "did" hurt him in so many ways that he shouldn't even begin to forgive her for. I've no doubt that this would be the most hurtful thing to him. Of course he doesn't believe that she love him, even I doubt that she really loves him, while doing all those things that she did to him. When you love someone they come first, above everyone and everything and he didn't. Hoping that Fred would contact Buffy and let him know just what he's feeling, since you want a spuffy ending. It's nice to know that Angel is fulfilling his Sire's role, god knows Spike does need it, though he has mixed feelings about it. Thanks for writing this Spike needed to speak his peace and it was nice to have Fred's outlook on it, from a females POV. Very needed chapter, thanks DOS.

“For saying those words – saying she loved me – and not meaning it.” That was heartbreaking!
Poor Spike, Buffy really needs to get her act together and talk to him.

Buffy needs to get off the woe is me and speak to Spike. He's not far from turning his back on Sunnydale and who can blame him!

OMG....what a breathtaking chapter.It had to be Fred he would confine in,she is so kind and care for him. I just wish that Buffy could have heard him talking about it.I really hope they will get to talk about it. Lovely update:)

I think he *needed* the space, like Giles said. But Buffy is going to take it to extremes to the point that they won't be able to talk at all without hard feelings. And Spike won't make the first move--not when he thinks she lied about saying she loved him. Looking forward to the rest of this.

And it's burning up in the Hellmouth all over again, only this time Buffy didn't hear him say that he doesn't believe her when she finally told him.
What a mess of a sentence. Sorry.
I LOVED the conversation with Fred - so poignant.

Just read the reviews from last chapter and just ditto what Maggie2 wrote. Buffy didn't act like she loved Spike when she coherced him into a traumatic situation when he was vulnerable. So, if she does fall in love with him now, I hope she goes all out to prove it to him, and she needs to go after him first. I'm not rooting for a Spuffy ending, not at least until a lot of time passes, but I am still enjoying the story.

Whoa! Now that was a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking conversation. So glad Fred is there to talk to Spike and most importantly to really listen to him. Since she doesn't know Buffy at all and doesn't have any history with Spike, she's the perfect neutral party. As an almost completely impartial bystander, she can give Spike the benefit of her viewpoint as an outsider. That's something not even Angel (with their past history and his feelings for Buffy) can offer Spike. I just love that you've got Fred playing this role. Can't wait to read more. :)

I'm so sad, I used the wrong friggin' smiley :(

I'd have to say that this story has been mostly heartbreaking since the very beginning: Spike getting shot in the head, reading every word of torture, hearing every belittling, degrading word out of Xander's mouth, exposing the raw faults of every single character. Then Xander wound up brain dead in the hospital, and I breathed a sign of relief. The emotional roller coaster journey was finally over.

Until I read this: "'She said that she loved me!'...and I believed her – completely...But – I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for…saying she loved me – and not meaning it.'"

Now, I see Spike with his hopes dashed AGAIN, and my still-beating heart has been ripped out of my chest AGAIN, and it's flopping across the carpet, leaving a bloody trail...AGAIN.

I have to go cry now ;-(

LOL, Zoe - I could go for that in this fic, too!

Exactly what we've known he's been thinking, but you laid it out all so perfectly clear and painful. And from his POV, he's completely right in his estimation...in how it would be from him if the situation had been reversed. If Spike had been the one to find a damaged Buffy, there would have been no doubts, no risk...he'd have moved hell and high water for her. It's just how he loves. How then, by that measuring stick, could he ever believe Buffy loved him based on her actions?

I love that it's Fred that he's bonded with besides Angel. Those two had a natural kinship that took very little time to develop.

awwwwwwwwwww!!!! POOR SPIKE!!!! Gawd i just wanta reach out and give the poor guy a hug! AND he is 100% right. After all she did she is still expecting Spike to make the first move? GREAT CHAPTER! Can't wait for more!!!

Evil Dreams breaks everyone's heart again. How could you be so mean to Spike? Please, fix it.

And this chapter furthers mu point that your Spike & Buffy don't belong together.

And REALLY proves what I've been preaching for years... All men, including Spike, are STUPID! lol. Why he'd expect her to just run after him is beyond me... but I'm so happy you wrote it that way! :D

“For saying those words – saying she loved me – and not meaning it.”

Exactly. He's waited so long to hear those words -- and to have all this go down *after* hearing them must have been so painful. (Painful to me to read!) Good articulation of all his mixed feelings. And if he can identify the problem, well, that's a crucial first step to the seemingly insurmountable task of making a healthy relationship out of this mess. Also very glad he knows it's not just the raw fact of her siding with Xander, but rather the fact that his concerns didn't carry any weight with her.

Good chapter!

Heart wrenching and I can't wait for the next chapter. Love the spike-fred friendship too!

Okay I know this is wrong, and I know this is a Spuffy site and not a Spred site, but I really do wish that Spike could get together with Fred in this fic.

awwwwwwwwww so sad.

Poor Spike, heartbreaking doubts that he has every right to have. Even if what came about was a not so simple mistake on Buffy's part, there's still all the things in their past that she has to answer for. Actions speak louder than words, so the "I love you" would definitely be hard to believe, at this point. Saying the words were hard enough, I just hope she finds a way to show him with her actions, instead of just running away from it.

"Can’t just bloody *deal* with a thing – gotta avoid you – gotta push it to the back of their minds, gotta hide from it, try to pretend it’s not there…”
Ahhhhh Buffy in a nutshell!

Now is the time for Buffy to contact Spike. She's let her fears keep her away and all it's done is to make him doubt that she loves him! Sure there is circumstantial evidence he can point to till the cows come home. But Buffy, flawed as she is, DOES love him (even on the show when she clearly loved him she never could make it convincing in action and word at the same time!).

Buffy does love him and even believed him at the heart of her and she needs to work to convince him of that truth now. It'll take lots of work to get the job done but maybe she wants him bad enough by now to actually work at it.

Love Spike having Fred to confide in....how in character! Also glad Angel is FINALLY being a decent sire to him. Spike is in a good place but now he needs his effulgent desire to make him whole again.

Let the games/dance begin.

Excellent update.

Kathleen

Oh, Spike. You just want to cuddle him. My heart breaks for him. He's been so hurt so many times that he can't see that she could have actually loved him, and yet still done something wrong. That it wansn't simply that she chose Xander over him. Those poor creatures. THey've got a long way to go, but I have faith they'll get there.

So easy for her to choose when Xander is brain dead with no hope for recovery. Pretty convenient for her, no?

Bet her choice would have been different were he still conscious and not rotting in prison for his crimes.

Yup, goodbye for good xander.

Buffy is just too dumb sometimes. But I am glad that Angel didn't take this opportunity to throw it in her face that Spike left with him. But I am glad that she finally said goodbye to Xander. Sometimes people grow up and a part. Buffy has always had people walk out of her life, I can see her not wanting to see the bad in someone who has meant to so much. But it was time. He was not the boy she met the first day of school and he had not changed for the better.

Maggie2, you just summed up everything I've been trying to say over at Spuffy Realm. I usually review over there but I read the comments here as well. And I agree, I don't see that Buffy will be called on that behavior, which is sad given all that Spike has already endured.

Wow, Maggie, that was so well explained....I'm basically leaning the same way. I think Buffy has to own up to that behavior as part of making it up to Spike.

And so much more...I'd like to get to Spike and Angel's story of the past couple weeks, too, please?

Buffy was convinced that the two situations were nothing alike.

They seem pretty similar to me - Willow takes revenge on a couple of people and so does Xander.

Loved the part where Buffy visits Xander to say goodbye. Spuffy now, please?

Replying to Nebula: I'm one of the reviewers who as of now is still not convinced that a Spuffy outcome is good here. But that doesn't mean that I hate Buffy or am unsympathetic with her. It just means that I don't think she deserves Spike. Let me explain.

I totally agree with you that insofar as Xander had been one of her best friends for six years, Buffy was understandably relunctant to believe he had turned into a monster. I would have thought less of her if she didn't have those feelings for Xander. It's just that for *me* she should have experienced the situation as a dilemma. She wanted more proof (understandable). But she should have also not wanted to put Spike through more emotional upset by exposing him to Xander, and she should have been concerned about the risks of her plan. She should have felt like she was between a rock and a hard place. But this never happened in this fic. She jumped straight to the plan -- one which forced Spike to confront his abuser alone (emotionally traumatic, and as it turns out, quite risky). When Buffy is confronted with bad choices (kill your sister to save the world) she rebels against the choice and finds another way. Not here. We don't get a sense that she even hesitated and thought "well, I love Xander, but this plan is really bad for Spike -- how do I weigh this conflict?" It's hard to see that she has any real feelings for Spike given that in confronting this stark dilemma she never once even sees it as a dilemma. She jumps to the choice which reflected her over-riding concern for Xander without even regretting (at the time of making the plan) that it was going to be hard on Spike.

And then, for me, she added a huge exclamation point to this whole non-concern for Spike when she USED his love for and trust in her to manipulate him into agreeing to this plan. The scene at the end of chapter 42 is where I really lost the Spuffy feeling in this fic. He was obviously afraid. He obviously felt vulnerable. She played on his love for her, his desire to please her to get him to do what she wanted. It was the manipulation that an abuser would use. I'm not saying Buffy IS an abuser -- but the echo of that abuse in everything she said and did made me feel sick to my stomach.

So, I'm against a Spuffy outcome here (at least as of now). I don't want Spike to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of using him that way -- especially when he's vulnerable. I don't see any sign that she's going to get called on that behavior.

Anyway, as written, I dont' think she loves Spike. I don't hate her for this. I really feel sorry for her now that she has permanently lost one of her best friends. But not sorry enough to wish her on Spike.

Just from reading the comments, I have to wonder if anyone actually cares about Buffy or Xander at all. *wonders*

Xander was her friend for SIX YEARS, her best friend, her brother, the one she could turn to. If someone came and told me that my brother was out torturing people, I wouldn't believe them either. This had to be tough for her. I'm glad she made the distinction between the man he used to be and the man he shot that day in his parents' house.

I love this story. It's not canon-wise in the slightest, but that's why it's fan-fiction, and in that world it reigns supreme. Buffy AND Spike both need to do some thinking, and I'm glad that Spike's mad now about not being able to talk to her as opposed to his anger at her. That means they're progressing. That means they can move forward.

Wonderful story yet again.

~Nebula

I really wanted to smack Buffy for asking for Angel rather than just talking to Spike, even if I understand that she did so out of fear. She really runs hot and cold with him and that has to be confusing and hurtful. Thankfully her talk with Angel was able to help clear up some things so she could let Xander go, and hopefully focus on what she needs to do, and who she needs to be, for Spike.

Really liked the interaction between Giles and Anyanka. How he not only accepts, but also appreciates her for who she is. She needs to learn comfort in her own skin and understnad that who she is matters, not what she is. That relationship seems to be getting off to a wonderful start.

poetic justice, nice fit. but tecnically xander is brain dead, which means he's dead. that's how one of my uncle's died. he had a blod clot that traveled to his brain, resulting in an aneurism. once the brain stops to function (ie. breath on its own, regulate body temp, etc.) you are dead.

Buffy letting go, I think was a good touch, but still a little to late. I mean the man is dead, not much to let go of. Ok, maybe I'm giving her a hard time, but still. I understand that he was her best friend, but if the man I loved came to me telling me that my bestfriend did this to him. i'd believe the lover not the friend. bad buffy. lol

buffy's "now that I know what the choice really is," speech leaves me hoping spike's response is "too little, too late." fortunately, for myself and the many other readers, this fine tale is in your excellent hands. good chapter, thank you.

I know you will receive lots of flames over this but I think it was appropriate and understandable. Buffy was really talking and kissing the Xander she knew from before. The game boy who stood at her side and fought the good fight. The boy she thought he was and the man she thought he would be. It makes perfect sense to me and I am just glad to see that Buffy has the blinders off and knows THAT Xander is well and truly gone. No holding out hope for a cure and return to good guy status. This is maturity.

I even understand her fears in talking to Spike. She has no idea how Spike feels about her now that ALL his memories are back. She treated him poorly to put it mildly and now he remembers. She failed to protect him recently and knows he has to feel betrayed to a degree or at least not too important to her. She has reason to be afraid.

Glad Angel is there for Spike and also to make Buffy see more clearly. I think this healing time is perfect.

As for Xander's punishment....happy sigh.....
Xander was trapped in a world where he could not move, could not speak, could not communicate or act on his environment in any way – with only the murmurs and memories of his own mind for company…for the rest of his life. could there ever be any more poetic justice than this????? PERFECTION! Especially the fact that he WILL be aware in his coma world.....as much a prisoner as Spike ever was! May he live LONG!

The Ganya was a treat and the commentary on the Harris' funeral spot on.

You continue to excell. I can not say how much I adore this story and your characterizations. It is perfection.

Kathleen

First of all - Thank you for not havong Buffy try to go find or talk to Spike!!

And secondly - The fact that Spike was mad Buffy didn't talk to him completely made my day!!!

But, are we sure Dawn doesn't have a freak accident with a hair dryer & a tub somehow? No? Darn...

Great chapter - good resolution of her ambivalence toward Xander. Thanks!

I really hope you don't have Buffy and Spike falling into each other's arms. I also think Dawn's about face on Buffy's action is a little quick. Buffy talking to Angel because she's afraid is probably the most truthful thing you've written about her. She's just not ready for real love, as evidenced by her running to Angel to make it easier for her. Even though Spike is 'love's bitch,' I don't think he could trust her enough at this point to actually accept her words. Spike has been around for a long time, he's seen a lot and in his heart he may want Buffy to love him, he knows she really still can't. Sometimes that just happens.

Also, where is Drusilla? I would have thought his calling out for help would have gotten to Drusilla, too. I would think that she would be incredibly angry that anyone would dare to hurt her Dark Prince. Especially Daddy failing to act on behalf of their family.

Absolutely amazing chapter!

You're right, Xanders condition now is a fitting punishment for his crimes, to remember everything but not be able to do anything. Best of all, none of the blood spilled is on any of the scoobies hands.

Although I think buffy made so huge steps into maturing in this chapter I still want to smack her. Glad she finally came to some realizations about Xander.

The part between Giles and Anyanka was simply beautiful. I always felt Xander was too immature for anya, but this proves it. Thank you for writing anya and giles so wonderfully :)

I loved Dawn in this chapter too, it's good to see her maturing.
Angel's words were great and just what Buffy needed to open her eyes. I really like Angel in this 'papabear' rol you've put him in :)

I know that this act was hard for Buffy. You walked her through what she had to examine in order to get to this point. Very beautifully written! Especially glad to see the blinders come off and have Buffy admit the obvious truth.

Is it possible to have a brain injury that leaves you in the state Xander is in? Unable to interact with the world, even to hear, but with all your cognitive faculties intact?
I'm sort of surprised Willow hasn't tried doing a spell to heal him. Then again, if you healed his flesh, would you be able to heal his mind as well? And after all he did, what would happen to him then? A trial for the death of his parents, and likely a long stint in jail.
I still don't see how Willow's vengeance on Warren and Rack are _that_ much different from Xander's murder of his parents. I always thought she should have to face the real-world authorities for killing them, particularly Warren. Buffy was determined to confess to killing Warren's girlfriend, when she thought she'd accidentally killed her. She wanted to do the right thing, even if she had to go to jail for it. Willow seems to feel little remorse for murdering 2 people. She's just upset that she freaked out on her friends and that they won't forgive her, let her back into the inner circle. You say that Buffy is convinced that the 2 sets of killings (I just typed "likkings" - a WORLD of EEW!) are nothing alike, but I strongly disagree. Both were done in vengeance, anger, pain and a sense of entitlement - that the killers had the right to take these people out of the world, for their own reasons.
I hope Angel conveyed to Spike that Buffy was actually scared to talk to him, so that he understands what was going on in her head.
OK, I think I've probably rambled on enough! Thanks for the update! I really liked Buffy's goodbye to Xander. I wonder if the docs are wrong, and he really CAN hear, just not respond.

I forgot to mention, there are still several storylines that need to be paid off: Buffy's use of violence against Spike in the past and Dawn in this story (I really want to see the showdown over how she is little more then an abusive husband at times...a Mr. Harris if you will); the question of why they needed to do the plan, and if it was only because Spike was...well, Spike; Riley (The biggest hole right there. Introduce him as a red herring, then he never treturns. He's suppose to want to help Buffy...but no mention of him?);

Biggest of all, I really, really wish we could see the reaction from the demon community over Spike. I imagine the word would have gotten out by now, and while some demons may say Spike got what he deserved, others I can see believing that this was a huge trick by Buffy, making her life a living hell. I'd love to see Clem mad, but more then that...

...I want to see Drusilla finally arrive and beat down Buffy for hurting her Dark Prince.

An interesting chapter...but I get the strange feeling it was rushed. Don't get me wrong, it covered alot of stuff...but it still seemed like you are trying to cram 3 chapters into one, just so you can get to the Spuffy.

I notice that in Blood Bound, you rang up this huge debt with the readers. Set up all this angst and torture and prepped us for huge confrontations...only, when it came time to pay up, you did it too fast. What should have been 20 chapters became 10, if you follow my metaphors.

I just hope you aren't doing the same here. All your other stories, you pay back the reader 10 fold. You draw out the journey back. This chapter has me worried you are just trying to wrap this story up quick.

I namely say that because o Spike. I think you are moving much to quickly with his accpetance and want to be back with buffy. it doesn't seem natural to me.

I only hope I am wrong, and that you have alot more planned.

WOW great chapter LOTS AND LOTS of growth on Buffy's part. I wonder what will happen next??? Can't wait for the next chapter!

FINALLY! It took her long enough to realize what he had become. I hope she is able to put hersefl together and move on with Spike. I hope that he can forgive her.

Wonderful chapter. Nice to see that Buffy has finally made up her mind. I hope Spike and her will have a chat soon,they both need it.

Excellent chapter, taking care of the practicalities. Maybe now Buffy has cut the ties with Xander, she'll be able to begin to mend fences.

Great Ganya in here, why oh why didn't they give us this in canon?

There really is a great difference between what Willow did and what Xander did and the sooner Willow realizes that the better off she'll be.

I hope Xander is completely aware of his surroundings and feels utterly helpless.

Of course Bufy still has to make up for the things she did to Spike.

For someone who's spent most of these last six years living in the land of black and white, now she see the gray in the world. What a hypocrite. If Spike didn't love her so much, I'd wished that he'd tell her go screw herself. I'm sorry but she just doesn't deserve him. Would love to see Dawn at least slap some sense into her. It shouldn't of been Angel to make her see the light, though I see the irony in it but now Spike's got to be grateful to him for one more huge thing and Angel doesn't deserve that either. This is one instance that I would rather see Spike to go on without her, he's still got Dawn. He'll survive, Buffy's already done the worst to him, things can only get better for him. I know that's not where you are going with this but it's the way that I feel about it. Still love your story DOS, thanks for the update.

I loved Buffys speech to Xander, it was just great.
Angel was great to explain things to Buffy, nice Angel *pats head*.

Oh, and I hope Xander's medical bills aren't going to be left with the survivors. Bastard's racking up thousands of dollars.

About frickin' time she figured it out...I know, I know...

Love Anya and Giles' blossoming relationship. Dawn's chilled out just like I thought she would, with tat big heart of hers. And Angel is continuing to be a pretty good mediary. He can explain these things to Buffy without emotion getting in the way.

Are we going to see any of Spike's 3 weeks in L.A.? I'm very curious about how he's been spending the time..what he's been up to.

On a happier note, GO ANYA AND GILES! WooHoo!

Now for the rest. :P

Buffy needs a slap to the head. Asking to talk to Angel first only confirms Spike's opinion that she doesn't really love him.
Dawn's "Dummy" was a bit too tame.

As for Xander, he so got what he deserved! :)

Great update and I'm looking forward to what happens next.

Xander's punishment could not be more fitting. Loved Buffy's speech to Xander - great to see her verbalize her choice.

::deep, satisfied sigh:: Beautiful. I'm so impressed with Buffy for having the courage to face that knowledge and accept it, even if it took her a bit.

And I think it was beautifully poetic for you to invert for Xander what he did to Spike.

goood now go tell spike that you love him.. now now now!!!

As Buffy finally gets it. Let's hope it's not too late. Really enjoyed the Giles/Anya interaction--nice to know that Xander didn't leave her too bitter to try relationships ever again.

I liked this, you seem to be tying up all the loose ends, and you've done so very well :)

Yay for Ganya!

And yay for Xander's coma.

I loved Spike for saying that for once it was about what he needed and not about Buffy. He has spent a remarkable amount of time worrying about her, and it's good that he's going to focus on himself after all that has happened. He should come first. And I'm glad Anya and Giles were able to make her understand that she should give him some space to heal his own issues. That it isn't just about what she wants, but what everyone needs. Interesting to see the dynamic between Spike and Angel now that Spike has his memories, but still is feeling a desire to be comforted by his sire. They seem better abled to handle themselves and their relationship even if it is unsure, because they are being honest rather than just snarking at each other

your anya is a bright light in a very sad tale. very good chapter, thank you.

And... Can I just apologize for my supreme bitchyness in the review I left last night? Seriously, sorry about that...

This is a great story, very well written. I think perhaps you have a very good insight into Buffy. She's as insecure as Spike is - she wants it both ways (Xander really isn't the awful person everything thinks he is and Spike still loves her). But that's normally not how life happens.

I also appreciate the Dawn and Spike relationship. An ageless spectre of energy that has watched the world grow, plus the emotions of a teen-ager, loves the vampire. She's the only one who truly appreciates and loves him for what he is. That type of love you should never reject and Spike doesn't.

Good for Giles that he finally tells Buffy to stop thinking about just herself. That's probably one of life's hardest lessons as we're all taught its all about us.

Anya is blunt, but could actually be blunter. I've always liked Anya and you portray her well.

Very good story.

GO Anya for putting things bluntly. This is something that Buffy really needed to hear. I am glad that he at least right now has Angel. He has his memories back but he has to get through the trauma that Xander put him through. Am I a bad person for not really caring what happens to Xander? He has just caused so much for them all.

Great chapter. I feel kinda sorry for Buffy, but I agree with Anya and Giles that they should wait.

Wow! Wonderful chapter. Really like all the insight from Anya and Angel. Both so dead on in their assesment of everyone's feelings and needs at the moment. Bravo!

Wonderful settling down chapter. Yes, Spike needs time to get it together. And Buffy NEEDS to feel the guilt fully!

Awesome job of portraying Spike and Angel's relationship in just part of a chapter, hon. And Spike is so right, for how he sees who he trsts more at the moment. This is an actions speak louder than words moment, and Angel did come through in the end much more than Spike would ever have expected had he been fully himself. Those two have always been brutally honest with each other....

I love seeing Spike say "It's about me for a change". Any story where he finally decides to choose what's healthiest for himself just makes my day.

Grrr...Thanks, Anya..and Giles. God, Buffy...this is the last moment you need to be freakin' self-centered! I'm so glad they were blunt and made her see reason. And Giles is finally sticking up for Spike. :) I knew Spike wouldn't take off without speaking to Dawn, either. He's enough of himself that he wouldn't do that...not now, after she's been so supportive, especially.

What Spike needs is a good long break from the lot of them to convalesce physically and mentally.

Why do I think that when she's finally allowed to contact him, he's not gonna be there anymore? Looking forward to more, including Xander's final fate.

“No, for once – it’s about *me*.”

Exactly why he needs some space. If he stuck around it would be about the other's guilt. And the guilt of someone he doesn't particularly like would be a lot easier to deal with that of the ones he loves. Add to that people freaking out about Xander and the way Buffy treated him before Xander tortured him and he defiitely needs to get some space and pull himself together.

wow, good chappie. i'm sick so sorry this is so short.

Thank you. thank you. thank you for calling Angel out. I am also glad that Anya and Giles told Buffy to give Spike some space. I do however hope that Spike really thinks about Buffy and how she has been the last few weeks. I am really tired of his insecurity about Buffy and doubting her feelings for him. she did after all save him. Angel should not get all the props. I knhow that Buffy let Spike down because she didn't protect him as she promised but I hope he realizes that if these things didn't happen he may not be as strong as he is now. Good chapter.

You know. I just simply can't keep my mouth shut anymore - I have to say something. Let me start out by saying I think you're one of the best fanfic writers I've ever read, anywhere. The way you explain things without cluttering us in details and how portray such stirring emotions are amazing, this story included. Secondly, this is not a flame, or at least I hope you don't take it as one. I simply don't understand.

No writer has ever made me completely abhor Buffy so greatly as you do. In my opinion, you really might want to seriously consider adding a warning to your fics about all of the Buffy-bashing they contain. In this story she is portrayed as an incredibly selfish, self-centered, stupid, horrible person. You chew her up & grind her down to this sniveling, 'me-first', moron who I can barely stand to read about. It shocked the hell out of me when you said you do, in fact, like her. It truly blows my mind. What I really don't understand is if this is really how you see her, how can pair her with Spike? He of course has own problems, but is obviously a favorite of yours. So then, if he, although imperfect, is such a 'good person', WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING WITH THE BUFFY YOU WRITE?' She is a wretched person who in no way deserves him. WHY would he possibly like her?

I think I might actually break down and cry if this fic does end with a Spuffy pairing. If he does for some stupid reason take her back, he will be just as stupid as her.

I guess what really bothers me is how you've turned absolutely everything against her. Other than possibly Xander, every single other person in this whole story is better than her & it simply kills me to see every last shred of her dignity to just be stripped away like it has been. I have afeeling after this is all said & done she'll never recover to who she was, or at least, she shouldn't.

At this point the only way I can see to end this is to have Buffy die defending Spike somehow. It's the only way she can ever gain back even a smidgen of the amazing person she used to be. But then, the rest of the gagng would probably just barely bat an eyelash & forget her in a weeks time, so then whats the point of that? Unless that's your plan? Break her down into nothing but a dead, vile creature with nothing worth rememring except for her life pre-Spike?

And Dawn? When I read the part about how Spike stopped by to say goodbye to her, *I* felt like slapping him around! And that is so not of the good - he's a victim! lol! But seriously, Buffy has already been sabbed repeatedly - why not twist the knife just a little bit more?

Am I the only ones who thinks any of this?

Anyway - I'm really sorry if I've offended you with this, I didn't mean to. Maybe I'm just extra emotional right now or jealous or possibly pms-ing. But this little story of youre has gotten me so sompletely rilled up I can barely think straight! And as much as I do complain, I do like most of it. I'll admit I honestly couldn't finish reading the last few paragraphs, for fear of *actually* flaming you - lol. But I've never regretted reading the whole thing. Yeah, some of the stuff you've done has pissed me off, but I tend to jump on the bandwagon when it comes to the Slayer in question - so take all this with a grain of salt please & don't hate me.

Like I said, I simply don't always inderstand. :)

It's sort of strange to hear Giles taking up for Spike, but it's very nice and very much in keeping with his growth in this story. And Anya is turning out to be very much the voice of calm practicality and reason. And I just knew that Spike wouldn't leave Dawn without a word. I'm really liking the relationship between Spike and Angel here. I don't know that either one of them will ever be able to put their past history aside completely, but it's like they're finally really starting to see each other clearly without all the competitiveness and one-upmanship that is usually there between them. As for Buffy, I think she's finally starting to see that both she and Spike need a little time and space. All in all another great chapter in this wonderful story. Anxious to read more - soon, please? :)

Excellent chapter. They both have a lot to think about and healing to do but I wouldn't wait for weeks before I contacted him. I'd at least let him know that I'm thinking of him, that I understand why he left but that I loved him. I think he needs to be reassured of her feelings about him, that they are real and she want's to be with him when he's ready. If she doesn't, he may just think how he's been programmed to, for their whole relationship. Which we all know, wasn't very good. Besides Angel just might encourage Spike in leaving for good. He still loves Buffy after all. Thanks, DOS.

I liked this very much. It was very poignant. ^_^

I really love the line that Spike recited to Dawn being thrown out in the Angel conversation. Good Job.

I(because it is really ALL about me :) ) need to see the conversation with Dawn. Need to believe that Spike left and Dawn agreed it was best for him. Whether. it is a phone call once he gets there or a phone call later after he BEATS the HELL OUT OF ANGEL!

Excellent chapter! Really well done. I like the way you sorted out their feelings and the fact that taking Spike from Buffy is the perfect splution - at least for the moment. Really nice. thanks!

I meant to say as well that Spike loved/s Buffy not because she is perfect and makes perfect choices but rather in spite of her imperfections. He sees her at her core as a decent, well meaning, loving woman (not through things she has done or said to him....but his observations of her with others). He sees the woman she can and will become. That was canon and it fits here too. On the show his tender speach to her covered it all...he saw those traits in her even though she never treated HIM properly. He saw the coal and knew the diamon she would become.

Kathleen

How wonderfully wise Giles is here! Yes it is not a matter of making Buffy "pay" for her mistake....they really need time. Spike has so much to process. Not just the awful things that happened over those terrible months but memories of his entire life history with Buffy! That tangled mess would need time for anyone to process.

It is also fair to expect all the Scoobies to have loving memories of the Xander they knew (and thought they knew). It's not like he was a Warren or even Riley (who was only part of their lives for a short while and only on the fringe). This is one of the first friends Buffy made...a brother in arms....one who just saved the world from Willow's rage. This is the donut boy always willing to rush into battle even though he was never a match for the monsters. It is human nature that there is love there for the boy he had been. In Willow's case more than the rest even.

The only worse situation would be a parent having to deal with one child having hurt or killed another of their children (not by accident but intent). One one hand they can not be "forgiven" in the sense of ever holding the same place in the family....yet they must be "forgiven" from the love they earned prior. The "choice" would be more than Solomon could deal with.

To expect Spike to sit amid people grieving the "loss" of Xander, the love they can not help but feel for the boy they knew would be wrong and impossible. Still Spike is the wronged party without question and deserving of the love and support of these people. Buffy DOES love him and her mistakes were typical of her not due to lack of love. They need time to heal and process before they can come back together in love.

Wow....I'm wordy again....you are just such a powerful writer to grapple with issues like this so beautifully. I am so impressed. Excellent update and perfect way to showcase the complexities these events have created for these characters. I've said it before, this is a masterwork, kiddo.

Kathleen

Excellent update. Glad Buffy didn't go scurrying after him and she's going to let him heal in peace. Go Anya! with the harsh truths. Can't wait for more.

OK, Angel, who hated Spike, didn't answer Spike's cry for help. Buffy, who used, abused, and discarded Spike, knew he had gone missing, knew that Dawn was worried about him, but did nothing to try to find him. Then Angel, who has made no profession of love, sticks up for Spike resolutely throughout the rest of the crisis. Buffy, on the other hand, professes her love, but then doesn't care about subjecting him to the trauma of having to be alone with his abuser, let alone the risk of him being further harmed by his abuser.

Still seems like a no-brainer to me. Once Angel came around, it was clear that his number one priority was protecting his Childe. Buffy is still (!!!) not treating Spike as family or as beloved. She's still not thinking about his well-being. I'm glad you show Spike sticking to his choice to leave with Angel. But it bugs me that you depict him as missing her. What, exactly, does he miss? It's easier to buy Spike accepting her mistreatment when (as in canon) she's refusing to love him because he's a vampire, etc. etc. He can believe that deep down she really does love him. But here, what is he holding on to? Sorry to beat a dead horse, but seeing Spike still wanting Buffy after all this just makes me think less of him -- and I like to think well of Spike!

But lots of other good stuff in this chapter. Thanks!

You are so SMART - you're handling this just the way it should be. Yay you!
I'm glad you sort of let us have a "breather" before things (probably) ratchet up again...

Too mean of Spike, to say goodbye to Dawn and not to Buffy. And, Angel leaving Spike for 3 months. Bastard.

I'm glad that Spike got some distance, and that he isn't letting Buffy walk all over him. I thought Anya saying "bloody" was hilarious. But I still hope Xander dies.

maybe it is the best for spike to leave.. hmm.. buffy needs to chill out.. Great update hun :D

Normally i don't do reviews, prolly just because i'm lazy, but i love your work. I've read alot of your fanfiction and have followed you here from fanfiction.net to read more of your work in it's full glory and i have to say, you're one hell of a writer.
You're the one...

lol. God I'm an idiot...

Go Spike! Yes, it is all about you this time! Buffy needs to realize that before she screws it up more!

Great chapter, honey! Go Spike for ripping into Angel! He TOTALLY deserved it!

I feel bad for Anya. Really really reall bad for her.

Excellent chapter! :)

GREAT CHAPTER!!!!!!!


WOW I mean WOW I guess i should have known you wouldn't just END it like that but i was worried you know? LOVE this story! Glad Buffy is finally getting it to give him some space!

Yay~!!

At least Spike didn't stay with Buffy. I'm all for Spuffy and even though i had harsh words i really am enjoying this story. But in THIS fic i just can't Buffy. She's not stupid, she knew what she was doing and ignored Spikes feelings purposely and put him and everyone in danger on purpose for her own selfish reasons.

Hope Spikes stays in LA.

i feel so sorry for buffy, right. very good chapter, thank you.

BTW - regarding chapter 56...

I have to admit you rwiews are almost as entertaining as your story! So many different opinions.

And the thing about Spike saying bye to Dawn - what I was getting at there is the fact he said nothing to Buffy. Nothing. Didn't leave her a note. didn't have anyone give her a message. This makes me of the opinion that maybe it isn't Buffy that doesn't deserve Spike. Maybe it's Spike that doesn't deserve Buffy? WOw - how cruel of me is that to say?!!!

Oh dear! This chapter was beautiful. Every emotion was in this chappie, and I had to try hard not to tear up! Very very good! Now Buffy has to get Spike back and tell him that she is VERY VERY VERY VERY sorry! :) I love it!

It's an amazingly good story you are writing here, you really have the right feeling for the charachters and how to twist and bend them just the right amount.

Good call on Xander; a very Whedon form of justice. Looking forward to more of the same when it comes to him.

Now I'm just waiting to see how you're gonna deal with Riley. He has to be in on this with Xander, there's no doubt in my mind. The timing is just too much of a coincidence. Or...?

As for Angel waiting too long to come, I don't think Spike will be *that* disappointed...really...because this is what he would expect from Angel, anyway. Spike probably wasn't even conscious of calling for "family"..the demon probably did it for him, but even so, Angel didn't do anything other than what Spike would expect. They have enough animosity on both sides, that Spike would consider it a long shot. It's why most people when they write Spike going to Angel for help, that Spike asks for sanctuary in person. A remote call would be ignored.

The important thing is that Angel is making up for it now. I'm sure he didn't expect to find Spike as damaged as he was...Spike being known for miraculous last-minute saves...but seeing was believing, and now, here we are. Because at one point among the Scourge, family mattered, as much as evil demons could allow.

Well Xander certainly took care of the situation himself. Its probably better that he didn't die, though. A very good way to end that situation. And now Spike has to go to a place where he feels safe, and its surprising how protective Angel is over him. I like the way you depict the two of them in this story, and how Spike changes as his memories return.

Thanks for letting him live. He'll never forget what he did or what he lost, every time he looks in the mirror. Had a feeling that Spike would go with Angel. He just can't be around her right now. And she needs to suffer more, oh yeah, a lot more! Poor little Dawn, she didn't need to see that but it's a very real lesson that she's now learned. All about what emotions can do to you, good and bad and the consequences surrounding the decisions that you make. Thanks for continuing this fantastic fic DOS.

So, in the last chapter, I thought that maybe Xander had the empty gun. Then I read that he did shoot himself in the face. Then we find out that he's not really dead. All this in a few paragraphs. Woman, you're writing is like a bumpy roller coaster. Luckily, I happen to like thrill rides.

Can't say that I'm glad Spike left, or that I saw it coming. Guess it would make sense since Angel is the only adult that has treated Spike well since he was rescued from Xander. Also, Spike wouldn't want to be around one of his abusers right now. However, Spike doesn't know that Angel knew that he was in trouble and did nothing. Whether Spike stays with Angel or returns to Buffy, I think that fact--Angel's mistake--should be given to Spike. If Angel had done something sooner, Spike would have been spared some torment.

As for Buffy, glad that she finally realizes the error of her ways. Her cockamamie plan started a whole chain of horrific events. She isn't the only one at fault. Anyone of the adults could have stopped her, helped her figure out a different way to trap Xander. Even Spike is to blame in part since he agreed to go along with Buffy's plan.

No one in this story is innocent. Angel should have come for Spike sooner. Buffy should have abandoned her hair-brained plan. Anya should have spoken up about Xander's abuse. Perhaps that would have gotten him help before it was too late. Willow should have been more careful with her magic. Giles should have seen the shades of grey. Dawn should have been more patient with Buffy. Spike should have told Buffy no for once. Xander's mistakes are too numerous to list. Everyone has both good and bad in them. You've painted a very real picture of how people really are.

Question: WHERE THE HELL IS RILEY?

I had a feeling that Spike might leave with Angel - probably best thing for him now. Never thought I'd say that being with Angel might be good for Spike. Kind of feel sorry for Buffy. I think she's really had her eyes opened at last. I think she loves Spike, but I think she takes both him and his resilience for granted. Somehow, she seems to believe that Spike can take anything and bounce back good as new. I think that it took this to make her see that he's as breakable as any other person, and that she's the one who can really break him whether that's her intention or not. It's gonna take a lot for her to mend this - not sure she can prove she really loves him at this point. Can't wait to where you're going with this. :)

oh! He's not dead! interesting. I can't wait to see waht happens with him now. I dont hate any of them - not even Xander. They are all just trying to deal the best way they can, in one impossible situation after another. They can't do the right thing ALL the time. (I think you commented once that you didn't know why people disliked Dawn, when she is the only one to always stand up for Spike in the series. Personally, it's not so much the character, as the feeling that she was thrown in by the writers to lure a younger audience. She doesn't belong there, magic monks or not. I could buy into the whole supernatural universe that was the show, but when they made Dawn out of a ball of energy and Buffy's blood, it really just took something away from the whole thing for me. Sorry for my diversion from your review...)
I think the best quality of your writing is your ability to manipulate the emotions of your reader. You are FANTASTIC at that. (Hey- if you could manage to actually make me like DAWN in something you write someday, I'll bow before you! *grin*)

Cruel writer drives a stake through the reader's heart. Reader waits anxiously for the next 12 chapters. Another great one, DOS.

I've been waiting for the right moment to review, and this seems to be it. So here goes.

I think you are doing a wonderful job with each and every single character!

I think the storyline you have written is not only believable, but very real.

I like the way you set up the Spike and Xander conflict. It is actually very similar to tactics used by police for years. Fortunately, their suspects don't have the benefit of magic.

Spike needed to face Xander, and fave his fears and find his footing again. Spike may indeed never be the same again, but I'm not sure who he would have been if this confrontation hadn't happened.

I think it is good for Spike and Buffy to have some time and space to get their own heads a bit straight before trying to get into each other's headspace.

I fear Spike's reaction when he realizes that Angel knew of his suffering and was even asked for help in finding him. And I seriously doubt that the LA Crew will be all open arms on his arrival. Well, maybe Fred.

I'm glad we were on the same Karmic thought regarding Xander's suicide attempt.

I understand Buffy's reactions and flaws and attributes, and her need.

And her love.

I have faith in this story and the way you are telling it.

Thank you for a wonderful story so far.

Ohhh my goodness... not back to LA... Angel is a freakin' liar!!! Cannot wait till Buffy and Spike can get into the same room together and talk! Oh the angst... I'm loving it!!!!!

Oh, god...Mr. Chaos, I'm falling out my chair laughing!

A bit of Queen C, and the whole Fang Gang having Spike's back would be awesome. Spike so needs friends! And he has a lot more in common with that group, anyway.

I hope next chapter is mostly Angel and Spike, though you can certainly answer whether Xander lives or not.

I don't think Buffy is going to respond well to the news that Spike has left. Although I can understand why he would've wanted to. Angel is one of the only people who has been consistently on his side since this thing happened, without wavering. Yes, mostly because there was no love lost between Angel and Xander, but still it has to be comforting to have that security given how many things he is confused about right now. As much as Buffy might want to talk to him, I think she needs to understand that he might need some space to figure things out

Sign me up for the torture route. I want to see Buffy squirm real hard.

And to the person that said that Buffy shouldn't be scorn for making some mistakes...her mistakes have caused some suffering from brain damage to be kidnapped, a woman to be shot, and 2 people killed.

But most of all, Buffy claims to love Spike, yet she was willing to put him in a situation with his attacker. I don't know about you, but I would never let someone I love do that. EVER.

I second Cordy giving Buffy the verbal smack. I also raise the Fang Gang stepping up and becoming Spike's friends (Hell, maybe he can make sure some of the crap that happened in that season of angel doesn't go down!).

Now, if only we could get Angel mad and have him say, "Look at it this way, Buffy...the way I feel now, we could screw till the cows came home and my soul would stay perfectly in place."

err- I meant Dawn there.

K, I'm done now... ;)

PS - Amen to what Elizabeth Anne Summers said.

And I know it's mean, but I'm totally thrilled Spike left without saying anything to Angel! I do so hope she'll be hurt by that! But know him, he & Angel are both big enough asses that one of them are bound to call/talk to to Dawn on the phone. But I hope not!! hehe. Maybe she'll try to go to LA & crash the car!! That'd be awesome! :D

“When I come home – we need to talk – okay?” She hesitated, before adding softly, “Please?”

She has absolutely no right to demand anything from Spike, let alone force him to talk to her.

“He’s gone. He left. He went back to L.A. with Angel.”

I'm surprised he would go with him. Apparently there's still some residual feelings of what happened between them when Spike was traumatized.

That I liked. Let Spike have some time on his own.Buffy should let him have some time,and let him come to her. She shouldn`t be allowed to say she`s sorry and by that feel a little bit better about herself. Can`t wait to see what happens next. Angel has really stood up for his childe,I love it:D

Good chapter. I understand why Spike left. He really had no choice for his emotional well-being, but it is funny to me how everyone considers Angel to be the big hero. I guess everyone has forgotten how Angel knew Spike was suffering but did nothing about it. (Why does he get a free pass now that he is trying to help Spike?) A lot of people are on the I hate Buffy bandwagon but I don't think it is fair. Buffy is still a young adult with a lot of responsibility and really no one to help her. It is quite understandable that she would not have the answers to everything and that she would and will continue to make a lot of mistakes. Everyone told her what a bad idea her plan was but no one really gave her any help it appears in the planning just like with everything else in her life. I like the Buffy character although I think she has a lot of flaws. I do hope that you don't make Spike and Buffy go through a lot of angst to mend their relationship. A little angst is okay but a lot is torture.

He LEFT? Somehow, I'll bet it was Angel's idea. I'll bet Dawn stays traumatized for a long time. Looking forward to the conclusion, and Xander's condition.

I'm in on the big happy dance about Spike leaving. Personally, I wouldn't have him come back -- but at least this way Buffy has to do some crawling. (I'll settle for what I can get). Meanwhile, I'm really hoping that when Buffy goes running off to LA that you let Cordy be the mouthpiece for those of us who thinks she needs a massive reality check. I think that would be a hoot.

Good call to let Xander live. Looking forward to more!

Am I a bad person for not really caring if Xander lives or dies?? I am just so on the edge right now. Spike has been put through more than any body should have to bear. And he put himself between Xander and his death by the hands of Willow. He has to feel depleated. So him wanting some space I can understand. I can see him reaching out to Angel. In a way I do feel sorry for Buffy but she should have listened to him, Dawn, Giles, Anya and even Angel. But she didn't. She had to see with her own eyes and now look at the situation. Awesome chapter.

Well, I certainly don't blame Spike for leaving. Buffy has a lot of crow to eat.

so xander isn't dead. i wonder i he'll servive. spike left. good. he needs space, time to clear his head. and buffy too. wonder how she's going to make this up to him, and make him believe that she loves him? great chappie, hun. can't wait for more.

Okay...long winded me.....I have sympathy for every single person here (even a bit for Xander...but not for what he did to others, only what was done to damage him). Buffy is not long from her own emotional breakdown after her mom died and she went catatonic....never really recovered from that. She is young and made some BIG mistakes, not just with this plan either, and now is in fear of losing all. Loads of pathos all in character and all multi-dimensional. Hon if this doesn't win a boatload of awards over the next few years there is just no justice!

Love that your mind already went where mine did after last chapter....I'm grinning like a loon that Xan didn't just die. Now I'd really be creeped out if you had tapped into the dream I had about this story! You remember the episode where Xander was split in two? I dreamed he used that stick on himself to double his income potential pre wedding only to have "evil Xander" truss up the doofus, walk out on Anya, do all this damage and never intend to reintegrate. In my dream they were all upset about what Xander did to himself only to hear his voice call out for help and the group see a goofy looking Xander tied in the closet or something!.....You are evil to give me dreams of Xander in any form!!!! LOL

Kathleen

Oh yeah! The evil vengeful me is cheering that Xander is getting a dose of his own medicine instead of a quick out.

Spike leaving with Angel makes PERFECT sense. He has so much to process. One thing about Spike though is that he always understood Buffy (all that S6 stuff wasn't masochism, he understood what she was dealing with on some basic level and gave her a pass)....it may take a while this time because he'll have to reprocess all THAT on top of the new stuff but he WILL understand (not agree or like, but understand) where she was coming from. No one knows her like Spike. The one who will not want her in Spike's life again will be Angel....for Spike's sake this time *G*.

Hope there are at least several chapters left to deal with all this! Xander, Willow, Dawn (her depths of hatred and capacity for violence have to chill her after this), Buffy......every one of these people! I love your writing and it will not be anti-climatic to follow the fall out!

You ROCK, babe! Love every one of your stories but this is your masterwork.

Kathleen

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Need Spike!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well ouch. It's probably for the best, though. He needs to heal and recuperate, and Buffy has never been the most restful person. This was a really moving update. Very emotional. Can't wait for more.

YYYYYEEESSSSSSS!

*Happy dance at Spike finally, FINALLY!, doing what he should have done in the first place: Leave Buffy to her pity parties, double talk, and Xander defending*

no, buffy, don't listen to the voice in your head telling you spike needs space, and time, and it'll take a *lot* for him to trust you again -- it's *way* more important that you make yourself feel better by forcing spike to accept your apology whether he wants to or not!

typical it's-all-about-me buffy, she still always sees everything and everybody in relation to herself only.

good for angel -- i hope spike has a good long visit and makes some good new friends there who all appreciate him like only dawn does in sunnydale!

I'm glad you gave them some space by having Spike leave. Emotion running that high breathing room is needed. Excellent chapter

YEA!!!! GOOD! Finally maybe now Spike will get alittle of the respect he deserves! I have never been much of an Angel fan but this story has made me more of an Angel fan than i ever was on any of the shows! Great chapter! Buffy needs to realize what exactly she has done and stew in her own juices for while i think! Let Spike in peace and let him recover! THank you !

Oh I love Spike and Angel's bonding...but poor Buffy! I'm totally torn between whether I think Spike's leaving is good or bad....fantastic chapter!

At least Buffy sees how badly she's screwed up, though it's hardly her fault the Harrises are dead. She needs to sort her head out before anything else.

Good for him. Hope he never comes back to her. What? Didn't you know I'm the president of We hate Buffy Club? Oh alright, they can patch up but not too soon. She's been terrible and not just with the stupid plan but before that too.

Who could blame him if he never came back? I fear that this time she's going to be a bit too late with apologies.

I know some people aren't going to understand Spike leaving, but I think it makes perfect sense.

He just got back the rest of him memories, like, in the past couple hours, so there's mass jumblement in his head. 2, he's been through a ton of trauma, and desperately needs a break away from all this. And really, Angel's the only person who won't make demands on him emotionally. He's going through so much in his own head, that he *can't* spare any for Dawn, or Buffy, or anyone else. And that's not bad or wrong...it just is.

Going to Angel's gives him the chance to rest in peace and quiet, and even get back to doing something normal, like a casual patrol in L.A. And finding that old dynamic with Angel will help him reconnect with "old Spike". This really is the best decision for him for healing. It's Spike's version of going to a spa or a retreat.

And honestly, Buffy has too much she *has* to deal with right now to have time for Spike's massive traumas. We all know that the group is going to look to her to hold everyone together while this mess with Xander is sorted out. And she *should* be focusing on that. Her little sister really needs her. Willow really needs her.

Yes! Knew he wouldn't stay there. At the moment, Buffy, and her house, are not his home. And certainly not the place he'd feel most safe. Angel's hotel is new to him, Angel has been remarkably decent and understanding, and Spike needs any semblance of *normal* he can find right now.

I hope she leaves him with at least a few days to get his thoughts and feelings in order. The last thing he needs right now are people with self-serving motives around.

And Xander didn't aim well...figures. Blew out his cheek, huh? That'll certainly take hours of plastic surgery, if he lives.

Poor Dawn...hard enough when you're young to see that in movies, let along real life. I imagine her nightmares will be back.

Cool road trip... Gotta say I'm surprised that Xander is still kickin'. Personally, I wouldn't want to survive; maimed with serious jail time ahead, but hey maybe that is justice.

Great story btw.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Spike left! Aha! Now it's Buffy's turn to suffer! Good! During the show especially season 6 I wanted Spike to leave Buffy so she can understand what she had, girls are funny that way they only give value to the ones that make them suffer and chase!

Geart Chapter by the way! Update soon please!

So wait...Spike remembers his memories of the torture...memories of pre-xander. All these memories are with Dawn protecting him and he leaves????

Are we getting the chapter of him at least trying to talk to a traumatized Dawn?

No tempertantrum from Dawn about him leaving??

Got to say...Spike leaving Sunnydale was not the option I expected you to take.

If he was ready to die for HIS girls...why would he leave even if he suffered greatly?

What's Buffy gonna do now? I feel kinda sorry for Buffy.
Great chapter.

:o goodness she break...

:dance: Spike went with Angel! Spike went with Angel!

Okay, I'm done know.

I love how this chapter went. Xander now get's to live in the same manner Spike did, (unless you off him)and human brains generally do not recover from that type of trauma.

Now Buffy gets to deal with how badly she really messed things up because Spike doesn't trust her anymore. How you handle this whole thing is going to be very interesting.

:dance: Spike went with Angel!

Sorry...couldn't resist. ;)

Xander needs to die.

I knew it.....as soon as he said "let's get out of here."
I like the Spike and Angel dynamic, as I think there's is a relationship that so often gets put on the back burner in fanfic.
Honestly, I started out really wanting a Spuffy ending for this, but right now I don't see that happening (unless oyu intend to have like 8,000 more chapters.
Though perhaps you have something up your sleeve that I haven't thought of. ;)

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! *storms off to drag him back by the ear and stake Angel in the process* Men are so STUPID

That's it?

Suicide?

Spike didn't even get the joy of killing him?

People never seem to take Spikes side or let him get any proper revenge.

Whoa, now that's definately not what I was expecting.

And it also brought tears to my eyes, not because of Xander but because not too long ago one of our friends did the very same thing. Bad memories.

spike at his best. unfortunately xander, also, at his best. very, very good read, thank you.

*God, I don’t deserve him…* I agree. Please pass him to mean. Xander's a murderer, mental and sucidal. What a prince!

.............. *cannot type a proper comment because i am too shocked etc by this amazing chapter*

So not the way I wanted it to go!Yeah for getting Willow from killing Xander,but he shouldn`t be able to get away so easy...."easy" might not be the right word...but still

What a powerful, powerful chapter! I never saw Xander's suicide coming and it was so much more impacting than having one of the other characters kill him --amazing job!

Powerful chapter! Can't wait to see where it goes from here. You could go so many ways (even a few weird ones I actually dreamed of last night *G*). I think poetic justice would have that bullet do enough damage to make Xander brain damaged (a "retard" as he called it), yet with enough mental ability to be aware of his situation and how he got there. A lifetime in a facility for the criminally impaired with no visits from "friends" might just be justice.

Still I bow to your wisdom. Your resolutions are always perfect. I wonder what's to be done about Willow though. Clearly she's a ticking bomb still.

Perfectly done climax (in a not naughty way).

Kathleen

Excellent resolution. Good Willowness - she's completely out of control as usual. I liked the way Buffy was concerned that X might shoot Spike again, it apparently doesn't cross her mind that X might shoot himself, or if it does, she doesn't care.

Nooooooooooooo! Spike should be the one who killed Xander in a more painful way! Great Chapter. Update soon please!

I'm speechless.

So, my first reaction was, "Ding! Dong! The bastard's dead!" Complete with fanfare and dance of joy :dance: Then I remembered that I dubbed you Goddess of the Ironic Plot Twist in honor of the fact that Spike is only able to hurt Xander because Xander shot out the chip. But, just because we've already had one plot twist, that doesn't mean that we can't have another: "…the discarded pistol in his hand." Which pistol would that be? Tony's loaded gun or Xander's gun with no bullets left? In a previouse chapter, Spike did think that maybe Xander didn't realize that there were no bullets left in his gun, n'est-ce pas? Keeping me on the edge of my seat, you little minx ;)

"*God, I don’t deserve him…*": That's what I call a Buffiphany: realizing the perfectly obvious. But she'll get him nonetheless because she needs him as he needs her.

Ohh! Either it's his fathers gun and he'll die, or it's his gun and he won't die. Great chapter!

That's real justice IMHO!

I have chills from this chapter. WOW, is all I can say.

You did the face-off really well. Interesting that Xander and Willow's motivations are entirely selfish.

It was his father's gun

err... when did he have time to reload the gun? did i miss that?

Amazing chapter!
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your characters are just so real in their reactions.

I'm glad they got through to willow. Spike is so amazingly brave, Xander isn't even half the man spike is.

It's fitting.
It's horrible.

Wow. Excellent, just excellent. Can't wait for the next chap.

Scary stuff here - but a very reasonable thing for him to have done. I loved watching everyone line up against Willow to protect her from her own anger; and I'm so glad that it worked and they were able to talk her down.

wow I was kind of shocked that Xander would kill himself. And that he did it because he felt Spike had won....as if there could be a winner in this situation. I am really glad that everyone could join with Spike to show Willow how dangerous her actions would be and get her to stop. Out of all the possible ways for Xander to be stopped his doing it to himself has to be the better one.

Right, here goes. I said I was out and would not read the rest of the story, but I lied. This has been one of the best chapters you've done babes, and I can't wait to read the fallout. Thank you for continuing even against the idiots like me who asked you to stop because Spike was in so much pain. Kudos babe.

I had a feeling he was going to do that. He took the cowards way out, killing himself. Which is a selfish act within its self, so again he is hurting the ones he claims to love. Jurk. I don't care i he went crazy or not, lol. And was the hero this whole time. How many people can say they would try and save their tormentor for the greater good. I know I wouldn't. I'd let the bugger die. Great update DoS. Don't see why you were nervous. This chppie rocked as well as the others. Keep 'em comin'.

It's probably for the best, because I don't think anyone can bounce back from killing their parents; but that's a heck of a way to escape prosecution.

Holy Graham Crackers!....I don't even think I have anything else to add....except that you should update sooper soons!

So proud of Spike. Looks like he did get the last laugh after all but somehow I have a feeling that this won't be the end of Xander. We don't even know if it's loaded or if it might jam. Spike got him see they are on his side now, got his revenge but prison may be just what Xander needs...to spend the rest of his days seeing what he's lost. Way to go, DOS. You've done it again!

YAY

Very powerful scene, with the remainder of the scoobies standing united. I love the way you depict Spike here, growing stronger and braver all the time.

I knew it! When he started rambling on about there being "only one way to win" and saying "only one way out", I just knew it!

Xander is a coward and he couldn't face the consequences so he would rather hurt everyone who ever cared about him by being selfish.

The aftermath of his actions should be very interesting.

Great update! :)

Amazing chapter - looking forward to the next.

I don't like that Willow hurt Spike but I heart what she said to Xander.

I want the gun to jam or be out of bullets. He really needs to face the consequences of at least some of his actions.

I kind of want Xander to live. I want him to live in prison knowing that Buffy, Willow, Giles and Dawn hate him and its all by his own doing.

But, then I'm truly evil. Great update. Now, Spike has to leave with Angel and make Buffy fight for him for once.

You write some sick shit *sticks out tongue and does her Mel
Brooks voice* You twisted girl you...

OK i must say PERFECT!!!!!!

I feel this story drawing to an end,,, i hope not but i cant' help but feel it.. it has been awesome!

I loved every word!

oookay, I so did not see that coming.

Great chapter....but....

MORE!

So, only question now is...is the gun loaded? Did Mr. Harris store it loaded, or not? Because either Xander just took the easy way out, or he did something really funny. Knew he'd end up going that way....it's what it was all about for him from the beginning.

Probably not the place for this but I's been weighing on my mind. Spike was sired in 1880, chipped in Novenber of 1999 ("The Initiative"). That is 125 years as a functioning vampire. Take that times 365 (days in a year) to get 45,625 victims a day based on one a day. Now I imagine there were more and don't deny his reveling in the evil but still that is not 300,000 +.

If we are Spuffy fans we have decided to look beyond his years of killing. The issue is Buffy and her fully souled behavior and choices. I think what upset so many of us (yet is so in character) is how her character flaws have allowed her to put one she claims to love in danger when he is most vulnerable. She was so sure her Slayer speed and strength could keep Spike safe that she didn't give any further thought to safeguarding Spike with her plan. Had she arranged for Angel or Anya to be hidden in her closet, for example (since Xander would not expect either of those two to be there for movie night), it would have shown some concern that Spike be protected. Xander had a gun that he had already used and all the Slayer speed in the world can't outrun a bullet. Xander could also stake Spike before Buffy could burst in had Xander not used magic.

No one is really saying Buffy is evil, just thoughtless and careless. Yes she DOES need to earn Spike's trust again. If you love someone you take their word for things and you put their safety first...she did neither.

Okay....sorry for hijacking the reviews for this but it's been gnawing at me. No, Spike is no saint ("wouldn't be half as much fun"), but neither is Buffy. That is the beauty of the couple....they fit perfectly together in all their aspects.

Kathleen

A very interesting chapter. I didn't see the bullet train special coming, though. It makes sense completely in hindsight. I was waiting for angel to attack, as I doubted he would have stood with the gang and spike, rather he'd just slip around and kill Xander himself.

Anyone who believes that the maddness will begin and end with a gunshot is crazy, though. Buffy has been making many mistakes, from hurting Spike, to hurting Dawn (wall throw), to being a general control freak (Again, the Scoobies are like Xander's dad)...that if she thinks she can get up from this dinner without paying the check...she is in for a shock.

I am waiting for the fallout where Spike walks off, the Buffy sob fest, and the drag out scream match between Dawn and Buffy.

Spike remembers now, but what will happen to him? Poor guy, thinking that Buffy cares nothing for him when she's just as caught in it as he is. Can't wait to see what you do next.

Wow. You are going some interesting places with this one. And there's Spike, still thinking about Buffy even while she hurts him again.

...well I certainly didn't see that coming. Brilliant plot!

Spike has such a generous heart, even after buffy tramples all over it he can still sacrifice himself for her (and Dawn ofcourse)

The chapter was so believable (for lack of a better word) the characters' reactions were true to how you have written them. It was truly heartwrenching to read the choice they had to make...although the should have realised sooner the would have to decide what to do with Xander. Everything is still showing that Buffy really didn't think her plan through, she only thought as far as getting the proof. Denial was obviously still rearing it's ugly head.

I can't wait for the next chapter, I hope Spike isn't too hurt. I'm really curious about everybody's reactions though, I can't imagine Angel will be pleased.

Three cheers for Zoe for those points.

Though, I am on the side of a spuffy ending. Only...one that is well drawn out, with Buffy soul searching, working to becoming a better person, and months (if not years) after this event finally proving herself to Spike.


On another note, strange to see that I was right on my prediction that someone innocent would die because Buffy would fail to do what needed to be done, and instead would dance around the subject.

The blood of the Harris family is on her hands, as it is on Anya's and Giles. Their failure to look beyond their double standard (again, if Spike were human and Xander a vamp...things would have been completely different) caused the deaths of two people.

That was awesome DOS, and I didn't expect Spike to step in and save Xander. Cool.

You led this chapter to a very logical ending point. Well done.

You're so good and the evil cliffhanger not so good!

Maybe this isn't the place to say this, but in reply to the last reviewer...I like Buffy just fine. I just don't like the way she is behaving in THIS story.

And yeah, Spike liked being a vampire, honestly he should. Just like people shouldn't feel guilty about eating cheeseburgers. I'm not saying according to human standards that spike wasn't evil. But Buffy chose to get involved with a vampire. That should make him her first priority.

Well I know this will probably not be popular, but I have to say it anyway. I like Spike as much as anyone, but you have to look at reality.Vampires kill people to live. If he killed only one person a day to survive, in the time he's lived that works out to be over three hundred thousand people, and Spike reveled in being a vampire, so I'm sure it added up to a lot more than that. He thought of people as "happy meals with legs" and has also called people as nothing more than "cattle" It's only been since he got his chip and started having feelings for Buffy that his feelings for humanity have begun to change. ...Buffy on the other hand has been a slayer for a few short years but was called when she was a mere child of what, fifteen? Told that essentially her life was no longer her own. She could no longer choose her own destiny. All choices would from now on be made by the Watchers Council or The Powers That Be or by some obscure prophecy.She would never grow old and would in all probability have her life taken by being eaten or worse by something demonic in origin. How would an adult react, never mind a 15 year old child.She's lost her Mum, her life , her ability to decide her future and her free will. Poor thing. to compare her to Spike or to any vampire that's lived as long is ridiculous. She's a warrior of light for the Power's for the good of the people and never thanked for all her sacrifices.She's judged so harshly. How would any of us feel if our loved ones were slaughtered for food and for sport because it was fun? A good time. To be tortured and maimed just for the thrill of it, by a demon? Remember Spike saying he love being a vampire? The stories he'd tell Dawn about killing children, like the little one hiding in the coal bin? If the mass audience for this genre can forgive him so easily for all he's done wrong , then how can they tear Buffy apart so badly? I really like Buffy. She's honourable and has taken a crappy set of circumstances and tried to deal with it as best she could. She doesn't want Spike to be tortured. She doesn't want any sentient creature to be tortured and remember it was Buffy who wouldn't kill Spike when he became helpless as per show canon. Give her a break. I mean , why read Spuffy in the first place if you hate Buffy?

ok its not that I think willow should torture him, and she probably shouldn't be the one to do it, but Xander has to die. To let him live after THIS. Well no human would be allowed to live after this. It's called the death penalty.

But it can't be used in this case because a human justice system can't defend a vampire. The death penalty exists to protect people from future crimes by said dangerous individual and also because sometimes people are too screwed up to ever get better and putting them down is a mercy.

I'm also pretty appalled by Buffy's reaction and I don't really think she deserves spike in this fic. And I would be kind of disappointed now if they ended up together after this betrayal. She's betrayed him time after time here. First by setting him up to "prove" it's Xander, and now by defending Xander's life. I hope to God they don't end up together in this fic. Spike deserves so much better and no amount of groveling on her part changes that.

This is maybe just me, but in some sense Buffy has accepted and sees Spike as her mate. When your mate has been hurt you don't defend their attacker or try to save the attacker's life. To me, this makes Buffy not a hero, but an immoral monster. Sure, mete out justice swiftly and quickly, make it justice, not vengeance, but Xander has to die here. Hell, let Spike do it or Angel, so no human hands are muddied but it has to be done. He has to die.

If he doesn't and if Buffy isn't called to task for the betrayal of trying to save him after what he did to Spike, then I can't consider it a satisfactory ending. I know it's your story and you have to write it the way you have to write it, but that's the way I feel about it.

To write a story this dramatic with the torture and torment, there really is only one way this can end with Xander. It's too late to save him, after building the story in this way.

JMO

Ahhh!! Another cliffy!! :'( AWESOME last two chaps!! Can't wait for what's next.

I'm glad Dawn couldn't do it. Poor kid!!

Good chapter. I think Spike had to be the one to stop the violence because really it is about him. I have read some of the reviews and I don't really understand the hatred some of the reviewers have for Buffy. She does not always make the right decisions and she is definitely not nice to Spike but she tries to do the right thing. As for Buffy being the Judge, Jury and Executioner that is her job. She is a vampire slayer not defense counsel. I don't think that Buffy and Spike should immediately get back together but people forgive those they love pretty quickly every day I don't know why this relationship should be any different.

Thanks for the update - looking forward to the next fix.

All I can say again is that Spike risks it all for some ungrateful people. I was with Dawn. Xander does deserve to pay but I wouldn't want that on her conscious for the rest of her life. I don't know if that is something she could ever truly live with. I am so biting my nails because I can't wait to find out what happens next.

OMG! I can't believe Spike took the blow for Xander. I understand his wanting to make sure everyone stayed safe, but this is too much. I was surprised at how much Dawn was drawn into the lust for vengance, but I was glad she was able to back off before something even worse happened. It's telling that Buffy could see that even though she hadn't meant to chose Xander over Spike her actions seemed that way to him. Given their history it is easy to see why he would assume that his pain was less important to her than her friends, but I hope they can talk and she can explain her actions.

Well, I actually expected Spike to save Xander. Once crazyWillow appeared, he HAD to be the one to do it. Since his heart is already stopped, it shouldn't make a HUGE amount of difference in the state of his unlife, although it'll probably hurt to be hit with the magic.
I liked Buffy trying to stop Willow because of Dawn.

A comment to Buffy about the Willow having the right to judge:

But youhave the right to be judge,jury and executionor for every demon and vampire you find? Willow has killed 1 person, who did something wrong in his culture, and was going to kill another.

Buffy has killed...what...thousands...of vampires for doing what they do naturally.

Buffy is a poacher. A big game hunter. She is no worse then the great white hunters killing lions because they don't like it when the lions kill other creatures.


Now then, with all this building up, with Buffy's shit pile growing bigger, I am getting the bad feeling that we are in for a letdown. That you have made her mistkaes so many...that when you do go to settle it, the solution will seem forced. Its kinda how I felt in Blood Bond. You have them dance around a subject for afew chapters, but then they basically settle it in two. I know, I know, there were still hints of problems. But that story set up a long drawn out angst fest, and instead delievered a quicky solution, in my eyes. My opinion only.

I just hope you take the time in this story to let buffy suffer. That you don't bow to demands of making it short, so everyone can ee the Spuffy.

That said, I also hope you do not have Spike become moopy and...well...a big wuss. My biggest complaint in all your stories, as you know all too well, is that you make Spike waaaaaayyy to weak at times. So far, in this story, hardly at all (A good excuse for him to be like ascared kitten in this one).

But again, bad feeling that Spike is just going to walk away, and pout in his crypt,instead of doing what he needs to do: Scream at them all, yell, throw a fit, tell them all off then flip the bird and storm off.

I really hope I am wrong, and he does that.

Please don't make us wait to long to find ot what happens next. Please?

Oh no! You certainly have a way with words! You have painted us an amazing picture, and I hope you keep painting it....

GO SPIKE!!!!! Great Chapter! Man! I still dont know what i hope to happen! I am just going to have to wait! THank yoU!

Oh yes, so typical Spike...I'd say he's returned to himself. He'd never let Willow do something that would eventually lead to Buffy and Dawn hurting or dead. I'd bet the seed of decision happened when he saw Dawn's distress.

Powerful chapter...too bad Xander is the only one to still not get it.

Kathleen

Small wonder Spike wants to sacrifice himself! He's too noble for his own good.