The singing had finally stopped, thank God – but not before it had brought Buffy’s whole life crashing down around her. The music had taken them all and poured forth their secrets – let loose her secret, the one she had been so carefully hiding from her friends for some time now.

But why I froze, not one among them knows
And never can be told

Now they knew though. The spell had torn the words from her and her friends now knew the truth about where she had been when they had “rescued” her. The truth about how she was suffering now.

I live in Hell
'Coz I've been expelled
From Heaven


It had been as devastating to them as she had ever imagined and she had fled the room moments after, unable to face them, unable to take their pain when hers was already crippling her. She had fled out into the night and had collapsed against the nearest wall, fighting back the tears.

Spike, of course, had followed her and found her struggling for composure only a few minutes later. But even the sympathy in his eyes, the softness in his expression had been too much to take and she had fled once again with no more than a breathless apology. She had needed to be alone and now she was - curled up on her bed, taking long, deep breaths, her hands shaking ever so slightly.



It wasn’t even just revealing the secret of her afterlife that was leaving her shaken: the spell had wreaked even more havoc than that, had revealed more things than her own well-hidden secret. Things she knew but had been hiding from in her stubbornness to pretend that everything in her life was how it had been. Feelings that left her now torn. Spike’s.

I know I should go
But I follow you like a man possessed

And Riley’s.

Can you tell me when you look at me
If you need me in all honesty?

They were both in love with her, or so they had sung, and that complicated her illusion even more. She had known – it had been staring her in the face – but she hadn’t wanted the reality, hadn’t wanted to hear it out loud. Riley, with his wish to reclaim her and Spike, with his wish to be hers. It was something that, back in her high school days, she would have gloated over and giggled about – two guys fighting over her - but this was real and she knew now that if she wasn’t careful, two hearts were going to end up broken. And despite her apathy when it came to a lot of things, this was something that she could not turn her back on. She had been forced into this position, wedged between the two and whether they had intended it or not, she had a choice to make.



On the one hand was Riley. Safe, reliable Riley. Normal, human Riley. They had been happy together and, once upon a time, she had dreamed of a future with picket fences and rosy-cheeked children. It had been a fantasy though, shattered into pieces when he had flown out of her life. They had been happy, but that was so long ago now – it seemed a lifetime ago.

Now Riley wanted her back, wanted to try to recapture what they had had before, but it just wasn’t that simple. He had come back but that didn’t change the fact that he had left in the first place. She hadn’t had a chance to get over it either, hadn’t had time to work it through in her mind because then there had been Glory, and her mom. She had just forced thoughts of him to the back of her mind, forcing herself on everyday.

Then he had been there with her friends on the night of her resurrection and she had forgotten for a moment that he shouldn’t have been. That he had been long gone in some distant country when she had jumped. He had slotted himself back into her life – even if she wasn’t there – and it was like nothing had changed since the day he had abandoned her.



Things had changed though and no illusion of his or hers could change that. They had lived apart for months and whatever she had once felt for him had faded to something so small it barely registered. She found herself wondering about him in idle moments, but the feelings she now had for him had settled well into the platonic region. He was still the man she had fallen in love with – steady, reliable Riley – but that wasn’t what she needed anymore. She had learned too late that their relationship was doomed to failure –lessons unlearnt from before – and hadn’t been able to do anything to stop its sudden implosion.

That was in the past though, and it didn’t do to dwell on. They were in the present and in this present, she could not imagine a relationship with Riley once more. He was still funny, still cute – but she was not the same bubbly freshman who had muddled her way through the early days of their relationship. She was a different person altogether, a person with different wants and needs.



She was changed – but there was still one person who understood her. Spike. Spike, who she had once hated with every fibre of her being. Spike, who she had pitied as he lay chained to Giles’ bathtub, pale and thinner than ever. Spike, who had risked death to hide her sister’s true identity from Glory. He had changed more than anyone she knew in the space of a few short years – but he had never lost his unnerving ability to understand her. To know her secrets, her weaknesses.

You’ll never be friends. You’ll be in love ‘til it kills you both.

Her insecurities.

Were you too strong? Did you bruise the boy?

The truth.

You're a creature of the darkness. Like me.

It was scary how he understood her, but he did. And even more so since she had returned from death. He seemed to sense her moods, her needs – and it scared the hell out of her. He seemed to be in tune with every emotion and it showed in every expression he showed her: that soft look of awe, that distressed look whenever he knew she was in pain. He knew her. And he was her enemy. Or at least he had been, once upon a time. Now he was… A confidante. A friend. An escape.



Spike had been the only one she could trust with her secret. The only one she had dared to tell – even if it hadn’t exactly been planned. Somehow, she had known he was the only one who could take the weight of the knowledge. Since then, he had looked at her differently though – like a fallen angel indeed. He was so desperate to make her happy, to do anything he could to make things easier, better. She just didn’t know how herself.

His presence was soothing though – calming in a way that would have greatly amused the seventeen-year-old Buffy. She could talk to him, knowing that he would listen, knowing that he would care – and knowing she would not feel guilty. She felt comfortable around him, more comfortable even than she did around her friends and knowing he always had her back made her feel safe, secure.

It was surreal, how much their relationship had changed within even the last year. Spike was like her in so many ways though – something she had avoided facing when they had been on opposite sides. He wore his mask just as well as she did, hiding his fears and weaknesses behind an attitude and a leather jacket. It was probably why he understood her well. Well, that and a hundred plus years spent observing people. It was these similarities that left her feeling a closeness to him that she never would have expected. An intimacy with her greatest opponent.



So, she was left with her dilemma. Torn between two men, who were so very different. And yet they had one similarity, in that they both wanted something from her – something she wasn’t even sure she could give right now. They wanted her to love when she struggled to even feel anything. They wanted her to open up, when she was petrified to let go of her control. They both wanted to be the one to take care of her – but she wasn’t sure either of them really grasped what she was going through.

They would never know her deepest fears, never know the things that crept through her mind in the dark of her room. How easy it would be to give up. How she could leave all this behind. They knew nothing of the burden she carried and of how close she was to giving it up. How she struggled through every day.

Still, I always feel this strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right

She was drowning and if she couldn’t find an anchor, she could very easily lose herself. She needed someone to hold her head above water, someone to help her get through this. And she just didn’t think that either of the men who claimed to love her could do this.