Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Lovesbitch91

Chapter Five: Adia

“Cause we are born innocent
Believe me, Adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy we all falter, it doesn’t matter”

She was given her own room in the apartment at the edge of the encroaching forest. It was plain, with just a bed and dresser, but Mr. Giles said he would take her shopping for clothes and all sorts of girly things she would need. For now she felt a bit lonely, and out of place. Downstairs the other Slayer, Buffy, and her friends were laughing and talking with Mr. Giles. Of course they’d all been so nice to her, joked with her and asked her about back home. But she knew they were keeping their distance, as if they were afraid to become too attached.

Adia wasn’t stupid. She knew Slayers usually died early and young. They didn’t marry and have children and grand-children. She’d probably die in some cemetery at the hands of a vampire. But she knew, too, that she’d been Chosen. To fight against the forces of darkness, yadayadayada. She had a chance to make a difference in the world, to… God, she didn’t want to die.

She turned towards the bed, crawling face first onto the mattress. Maybe if she willed it hard enough, she could simply sink down into its downy softness and never ever wake up.

******

“I start Adia’s formal training this week, Buffy, and I was hoping you might let us accompany you on patrol.” Giles stirred his teacup, the aromatic steam rising off the surface. Buffy was wedged between Xander and Dawn on the tiny couch, clutching her own teacup.

“Sounds good. You think she’s up to it?”

Giles raised his eyes to the roof in response, gave his head a slight shake. “She’ll have to be, won’t she? Dear Lord, I don’t understand how at my age I’m still considered an eligible Watcher.”

“So when do we get paid?” Dawn piped up, receiving arched eyebrows all around. “I meant Buffy. When does Buffy get paid?”

“Ah, that reminds me…” Giles felt his inner pockets before retrieving a plain white envelope. “I believe this will do a great amount of good at the moment, hmm? Full copper repipe, I believe it was?” Buffy blushed, taking the check.

“It was leaking…” she offered in her own defense.

“And then it was gushing,” Dawn pointed out, craning her head over to glimpse the check. Buffy peeked a quick glance, before doing a full double-take.

“Giles… you can’t be serious…” Amazement was dawning across her face as her eyes went wide, taking in the zeroes and the commas and the zeroes after that.

“It is enough?”

“Giles, this is way more than enough. This is enough times a gazillion.” Buffy threw herself off the couch and bent to wrap both arms around her Watcher. “Thank you so much Giles.”

“Yes, well, I believe you should be receiving those checks near the end of every month. You won’t have to worry about anything else, Buffy. The Council has come around to seeing things our way, and they’ll be taking care of the both of us for a long time to come.”

******

“Do you think Buffy seems off?”

“What do you mean honey?” The two witches lay in bed that night, wrapped up together and drowsy with oncoming sleep. Willow’s head rested on Tara’s shoulder, and the blonde ran a hand absently through Willow’s loose hair.

“I mean that… she doesn’t seem happy. That we brought her back. She’s always disappearing on patrol and Goddess knows what else.”

“You’re worried she’s not grateful? Because she hasn’t told you thanks?” Tara seemed befuddled, her brows knit together.

“Is that stupid of me?” Willow lifted her head, looking up at Tara with the slight frowning crease between her brows. “It’s selfish, isn’t it? I guess she’s just not ready to get over what she’s been through. If she’s not ready then I shouldn’t push her and be upset if she doesn’t, y’know, kiss my feet for what I did.” She blushed, and Tara smiled at her, dipping her head for a quick kiss.

“You were amazing that night Willow. Just give Buffy a little time to come around.”

“Yeah, of course your right. You’re always right.” Willow snuggled closer, inhaling the sweet smell of Tara, all their warm limbs holding onto one another as they drifted into sleep. Of course it would be alright, it was always okay… Buffy would come around to being happy, getting over all the tortures she’d experienced… She just needed time…


******


She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

Her lungs were heavy and constricted, her arms shaking. Dry sobs choked her, the lump in her throat becoming painful as she tried not to burst into uncontrollable sobs. Willow and Tara where just in the other room, and Dawn was across the hall, all asleep and snug and happy.

She hated it. Hated life, hated them. She turned over, burying her face in the pillow and biting into it as she sobbed quietly. Every time she closed her eyes she saw her standing before her, all glow-y and happy.

“Buffy, honey, I’ve missed you so much.”

None of them knew the peace and quietude of that other place. It had been all warmth and fulfillment. There hadn’t been worries, or fears or longings other than the one, to remain right where she was, upon her own little Cloud Nine of Happiness.

“We’ll be here, now, forever. I’m so sorry you died, but you’re here now… no more worries or slaying. No more danger. Just peace…”

Everything here was so hard, cold. The sun was too bright, the night too dark. All the sounds hurt her ears, and even her flesh crawled and panicked her. The world seemed worse than Hell, all noise and fighting and unhappiness. Her own selfish friends, nagging sister… it was too much.

And the only one she could stand to be around was Spike. She’d never know how she got to the point that she did last night, wrapped up in his arms, but the ecstasy of it took her away from everything else, made life bearable. Just his touch made her hum, his words could make her smile, make her cry in relief that at least she had him.

Which seemed the most fucked up thing, as far as being back on earth. She could touch the loathing and hatred she’d had of him before, but when she’d returned he’d seemed something more. He took her presence with acceptance and some ecstatic feeling beyond mere happiness. When he’d held her hands, that first night, she’d recognized something in him she’d never known before – the capability to love, something she’d dismissed as impossible before. And a serene acceptance and dedication to her, something he’d die to prove, that he would never turn away, never leave her.

She wiped her eyes, turning over in the bed. A tiny scritter-scratter noise made her turn her head to the window. Speak of the Devil. She rose up on wobbly legs, fumbled for a moment with the latch.

“Spike.” She stepped back to let him pass through. He eyed her silently as he slipped in, and in a moment she’d thrown herself in his arms. “Stay here with me, I can’t sleep, can’t think except when you’re here…”

******



So he crawled with her into her little virgin bed, and she’d thrown her arms around him and snuggled her face into his chest. She was all warmth and Buffy-smell as she finally drifted to sleep, kissing his cheek softly once or twice first.

He thought he might burst into flames at any moment, her warmth burning all around him. The mere possibility that this could really be happening set him on edge.

He’d spent the better portion of the night chain-smoking beneath her window, listening to her stifled sobs. He’d ached to make his way up to her window, but feared whether she’d accept him. So he’d waited for the sobs to cease before scaling the wall to her window, and of course she’d noticed him the moment he touched down onto the roof, and had opened the window.

She’d let him in, trusted him to hold her while she slept, albeit fitfully. Her little brow creased, and she moaned, kicking out at him.

“Bloody hell!” He’d not meant to rouse her, but she was looking up at him now and seemed startled for a moment before breaking into sobs. He gathered her close, whispered quietly into her ear.

“S’all right love, just a dream…” She rested her forehead against his neck, sighing quietly.

“I was thinking earlier… about how this all happened.”

“What’s that, pet?”

“Us.” He looked down at her, his face blank of emotion. She was still looking downwards, eyes averted.

“And?”

Her eyes were so clear when she looked up at him, and she smiled that slow, sad smile she’d recently attained.

“I don’t know. It seems I’ve come so far since high school. Willow and Xander, too. Back then we were all so…innocent. Now look at us- we’re a mess. Willow’s bringing people back from the dead, I’m sleeping with a vampire, again, and Xander’s marrying a demon.”

“What’s that?” Spike perked up, and Buffy shook her head.

“Ex-demon. Anya? Yeah, they told us tonight.”

“Love, if there’s one thing I’m privileged enough to say, is that you are more innocent than you know.”


******


Adia twisted her ponytail between her fingers nervously, her palms sweaty as she gripped the wooden stake in her free hand. She followed silently behind Buffy and Mr. Giles with her eyes fixed permanently to the ground before her, eyes peeled for the small stones she’d tripped twice over earlier. Mr. Giles had told her this would be the beginning of her formal training and that she was lucky to have someone as experienced and long-lived as Buffy helping her.

The cemetery was silent, and spooky. So many shadows, Adia noticed as she looked up, that could be hiding any assortment of monsters. She’d never seen a real vampire up close, only hand-drawn pictures and badly lit photographs, but she imagined them terrible monsters with glowing eyes and drooling fangs, and it gave her shudders.

A sudden dull prickling on the back of her neck was immediately followed by a swift collision with the older Slayer, who had stilled.

“They’re here.” Her voice was soft, the whites of her eyes flashing in the dark as she spun around and tossed Giles a stake. Her eyes met Adia’s, and she flashed a reassuring smile. “It’ll be fine. Just go with instinct, and don’t let them near your neck.”

Almost instantly Buffy spun into a roundhouse kick, knocking a hefty vampire twenty feet back. Adia had never seen him coming, just his bewildered expression as he collided with a crumbling headstone that gave way beneath him. She froze, unable to move as she watched Buffy move forward and stake him, even as another neared her from behind. But Buffy had turned, caught his arm and flipped him over, stabbing the stake into his chest.

A third vampire was making his way towards Adia, and she backed away nervously. As she raised the stake up, he laughed and lunged. Adia screamed, turning her face away from his glistening mouth, and punched out with her fist. It struck him soundly on his jaw, and he stumbled back a few paces. She dove forward then, slamming the stake into his chest.

And missed. Wincing with pain, but grinning wildly, the vampire whipped his arm out and caught her around the waist. She was struggling, to get away, kicking out, but he’d pinned her arms to her side.

This is it. This is where I die.

The thought made her helpless, and her efforts weakened. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Buffy spinning and kicking as she faced off two vampires. Mr. Giles was in the midst of a skirmish with what looked like a freshly risen vampire. Neither noticed her, and she could feel the cold breath on her neck. Some sordid words came from his lips, but she couldn’t catch them. Weird; last words she’d ever hear and she couldn’t remember them. She felt the cool points of his fangs on her throat and then…

He let her go. He was standing above her, and she could feel the tears cold on her face, her heart pounding. She let out a small whimper, scrambling backwards as he stepped forwards. But he simply held out a hand to help her up. She glanced around wildly for Mr. Giles and Buffy, and saw them dusting themselves off, making their way towards her.

“Did you have to scare her so much?” Buffy’s mouth was a stern line across her face, but her eyes were smiling. Giles was wiping his glasses, then putting them back on and peering at the vampire.

“Very nice, the ambush idea. Except how were you so sure she’d miss?” Adia was glancing wildly between the three- Buffy, Mr. Giles and the blonde haired vampire, Spike.

“Wasn’t. But I had a feeling.” Spike smiled down at her, and she quickly picked herself off the ground.

“But you’re a vampire!” Her voice was weak, and she tried to shake it off, but her heart was still pounding loudly in her ears, and she felt likely to faint.

“Spike’s on our side,” Buffy spoke up, moving between the two. “He works with us, and he doesn’t kill people anymore. So we don’t kill him.”

“He almost killed me!” Adia was angry. They’d tricked her! She was so scared; she’d really thought she was going to die. “Th-that’s bullshit! He was that close-!”

Buffy looked at her mildly, shaking her head.

“We were trying to get the scared part out of you first, before you met up with a real vamp. One that would have really killed you.” Giles was speaking now, in that level voice of his that was meant to reassure

“Well, it didn’t work ‘cause I’m still scared half to death! And I would have been dead if it were a real vampire!”

“Oi! What am I? A teddy bear? Big Bad here!” Spike had interjected, flinging his hands upwards.

“I’d go more with neutered puppy,” Buffy smiled at him, though he scowled and lit a cigarette. Buffy turned again to Adia.

“Look, next time at least you’ll know what to expect. And hopefully you won’t lock up with fear. I mean, you did almost stake him. I don’t think I’ve come that close in years.”

“I was playing easy,” Spike had started to saunter off. “But not next time pet; not all the vamps and monsters’ll let you go so easy next time.”

Buffy and Giles watched him disappear, before Buffy turned back to Giles.

“Look, I’m beat. Maybe you guys should call it quits for the night? We’ll meet up again another night, patrol for real vampires.”

“Yes, Wednesday then? Tomorrow we plan on training down at the Magic Box, if you’d care to join us.” Adia was gathering her discarded stakes, twisting them between her fingers. Neither noticed her, and she felt overcome with shame.

He hadn’t even been trying. She’d frozen up, and he’d beaten her so easily without even trying. But she could do better! She knew she could. All those hours training, practicing kicks and punches on dummies, she could take on a real vamp, if she didn’t lock up with fear… she knew she could!


******


Mr. Giles was asleep. She could hear his gentle snoring through the crack of his bedroom door, and she quietly tiptoed down the hall, towards the front door. She’d slipped into her sneakers, thrown a couple stakes into her waistband and kept a firm clutch on a third in her hand. She’d even slipped a dagger into her shoe, just in case. She was going to kill her first vampire tonight.

The graveyard didn’t seem so bad the second time around. Sure, all the sounds and shadows threw a general creepiness over the place, but it was also peaceful in a way. Strolling through the headstones, she caught sight of the first one. It was just risen, brushing away clods of dirt. She bristled, tightening her grip on the stake.

“Welcome back.” Her voice startled her, so sure and cocky, coming out of her own mouth.

“Who’re you?” It growled between its distended fangs, yellow eyes flashing.

“Adia. The Vampire Slayer.”

When the vampire threw herself at her, she felt a thrill of excitement. She parried his blows, landing a sturdy kick to the gut. He tumbled backwards, but caught himself against his own headstone. At once he was upon her, his fists raining down on her, and she was struggling again. His speed and agility outmatched hers, and she began to panic. Scrambling, she thrust the stake towards his chest, where it stuck into his shoulder. He ripped it out with a growl, tossing it away as she reached for a second one. But by the time she’d pulled it from her waist, he’d thrown her into a tree, backhanding her across the face. She cried out, whimpering in pain as she crumbled to the ground.

His hands reached for her shoulders, dragging her upwards against the tree. Her head lolled backwards on her neck, her eyes dizzy and unfocused. She could feel him, pressing her between his hard body and the tree as he lowered his mouth to her neck. In another second she felt them- two pinpoints of heat breaking into her, pulling hard as she swooned.

This is what it’s like? To die…

She couldn’t think, only feel as her body grew weaker. There were stars in her eyes, and she felt as if she were falling…

And then a thick cloud of dust materialized around her and she choked, coughing on the dry, acrid stuff. Two hands were lifting her up, and through her blurry vision she could flashes of blonde hair and pale faces. And then it all went dark.


******

“Dear God, what happened?” Giles was wearing his nightrobe, fastening the belt of it and reaching for his glasses. “Come in, come in. Set her there on the sofa. I’ll grab the first aid.”

Buffy and Spike hefted the unconscious girl into the living room, draping her onto the couch, her head turned to expose the bloody gash on her throat. Buffy perched herself on the coffee table, holding her head in her hands.

Giles returned quickly, and worked silently for the first few minutes at cleaning the wound and bandaging it up with clean white gauze.

“What happened, exactly?” Giles seemed incredibly tired, Buffy thought, and at a loss for what to do. He was truly getting too old for all the Watcher-ing, caring for girls whose life expectancy seemed less than that of a goldfish.

“Me and Spike found her. She was up against a tree being fed on by a newborn.” She was getting tired too, she realized, of all the incredible responsibility. “I staked him, brought her straight here. Thought it better than the hospital- too many questions, and you can only use the kitchen utensils excuse so many times.”

“Right, well… I suppose she’ll be better in the morning. Of course, we’ll have to have a stern talk about this.” He looked briefly over to Buffy, who eyed him carefully.

“‘We’ as in me, too?” She looked at him with pitiful eyes. “When did I sign up for the Big Sister program? I’ve already got one at home, so no thank you.”

“Buffy, as the oldest Slayer alive, you’re wisdom will be very helpful to her. She is obviously having trouble coping.”

“Great. How about ‘Die, sleep with a vampire, let that vampire go evil and kill your friends, die again and let your witchy best friend bring you back to life and then sleep with another vampire!’”

At once her eyes grew ten times larger, and her hands flew to her mouth. Spike let out a sort of sputtering noise, and Giles looked from one to the other with a bewildered look.

“Beg pardon?” He seemed at a lost for anything else to say.

“I’m sleeping with Spike.” Buffy was looking at Giles with large pleading eyes, and Spike had risen and moved across to the door, ready to flee.

“I-I see.” Giles fell into the nearest chair, deflated and confused.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

He seemed mildly surprised at this and leant forward, taking hold of her hands. Obviously at a loss, for all the events of the night had worn him down, he was unable to muster even the slightest outrage.

“Buffy, I trust you unconditionally. You are a good girl, a wonderful Slayer. But I must question your judgment…”

“I know. Trust me, I know. And I have reasons, lots of good, solid reasonable reasons.” She was chewing her lower lip, refusing to meet his eyes. She glanced over to the door, where Spike was still standing, half-turned away, with his hand on the knob. Their eyes met for a split second, and Giles read some inaudible communication pass between them. “But I just need for you to trust me, and to know that I’m not gonna make the same mistakes I did before. This isn’t like Angel, and right now I really need this, ok? Can we let it stay at that?”

Giles let his eyes fall shut, rubbing his temples in silent contemplation. When he raised his eyes, it was to Spike that he spoke.

“You have been an invaluable asset, Spike, this past summer. You have shown the ability to choose from right to wrong, and to be surprisingly dependable.” He rose to his feet, and Buffy watched Spike stiffen as Giles stood before him, face-to-face. “Make one mistake with her, and I swear I will kill you.” He seemed to be expecting some snarky comment from the vampire, watching his guarded expression carefully; but Spike merely nodded, muttered something under his breath and left.

“I should be leaving now, too.” Buffy rose to her feet, meeting Giles halfway to the door. He regarded her carefully, and nodded. “Trust me with this, okay? And I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Their gazes shifted to the unconscious Slayer on the couch. Her blonde hair was fanned across the cushion, dark circles ringing her eyes.

“She’ll be quite alright. You always were.” Their eyes met again, and Buffy couldn’t resist throwing her arms once more around Giles, inhaling the ever-present smell of tweed and cologne.

“Thank you. For everything.”

******


Adia didn’t look up when the blonde Slayer sat next to her. They were in the Magic Box, tucked away in a secluded corner. Buffy was turned towards her, her eyes boring into Adia’s skull until she was forced to turn and face her.

“That was pretty dumb, what you did last night.” She was straight-forward, her eyes slipping to Adia’s heavily bandaged neck.

“Yeah, kinda figured that out already.” She didn’t want to meet her eyes, feel that superiority looming over her.

“Shit happens though, and you’ll get over it.” She reached over to pat Adia’s shoulder, and she reluctantly met her eyes.

“I don’t want to die early. I’m not even sixteen yet.” She seemed so meek, Buffy thought. She herself had never been that way, and neither had Faith. They’d both been prepossessed with an innate confidence and surly cockiness that had won them both so many battles. Of course, Buffy too had suffered those pangs; that she would miss out on her entire life because of a slip-up, that she wouldn’t live to see twenty.

“Yeah, sometimes you think that. And then you die. And you figure out ‘Hey, it’s going to happen anyway, yeah?’ Might as well make it count. Die for something big, not some stupid fight, alone, which you never should have been apart of anyway.”

“I know you’re right. It was kinda obvious from the beginning. The beginning of me even thinking I could do it.”

“You can do it. Or at least, you will do it. In time. After training. Lots and lots of boring training. Important, boring training.”

The two Slayers sat in silence then, looking at the other and smiling when it struck them to. Buffy, looking at this young girl who was no older than Dawn, saw a little bit of herself. The little bit that wanted a normal life, and that was scared of dying. The bit that was always scared. But Adia would learn, just like Buffy did. She’d kill her fair share of evil, and then they’d kill her back. And another Slayer would be called…

All that innocence, wasted…

“It’s easy, we all falter
But does it matter?”