So, I'm curious.  Here's a list of all of the pairings, and I'm curious as to which you guys think was the most abusive couple, and which were the most dysfunctional. 

That, and I'm bored, and it seems that the Xander thread has run it's course.

Pick one for each, or one for both and explain why.

First, keep in mind--

dysfunctional: 1 impaired or abnormal functioning
2 : abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction within a group

abusive: 1 characterized by wrong or improper use or action
2 a: using harsh insulting language
b: physically injurious

Here are the pairings:

Anya and Xander

Xander and Cordelia

Spike and Buffy

Buffy and Riley

Spike and Harmony

Willow and Tara

Willow and Oz

Spike and Drusilla

Buffy and Angel

Angelus and Darla

Good topic... I'm glad to be outta Xanderland too.  Whew! 

This might be controversial, but I think its shakes out like this:

Most Abusive:  Spike and Harmony
Of all of these relationships, it was the only one that included grevious bodlily harm/attempted murder.  On top of that, it was a classic cycle of enabler/enabled, with Harmony casting herself as the glutton for punishment to Spike's verbal an physical brutality.  Again, these are monsters, so it's played for laughs.  But had it been a human guy forcing his girl to dress up as her sexual rival, calling her a moron all the time, stabbing her with a pointy stick and then asking her to forgive him, it would have been a Lifetime movie of the week.

Most Dysfunctional:  Buffy and Riley
The relationship started out with two people refusing to tell each other the truth and living double lives, and it just got worse from there.  Buffy's strength gave Riley an inferiority complex, which was on Riley.  But Buffy didn't really help matters by sealing her thoughts and feelings off from him completely.  They both put their duties before their lovelife, and in the end they are pretty much leading triple or quadruple lives.  It's very collegiac, in that way I guess   Neither one knows themself very well, so they have no chance of knowing the other one.  Towards the end, they were like strangers wearing boyfriend/girlfriend masks, and literally couldn't function as a couple on every level that mattered.

Okay, I'm going to agree with your "most dysfunctional," but disagree with your "most abusive."

But had it been a human guy forcing his girl to dress up as her sexual rival
She wasn't forced--she asked Spike if he wants to play a game.  He does, and she plays it.  Also, he didn't call her a moron all the time.  In fact, according the the dialogue database, he only says it to her once (when Drusilla shows up, and she thinks it's a look-a-like).

For most abusive, IMHO, first goes to either Spike and Buffy or Willow and Tara.

I feel like Spike and Buffy is explanatory, but really, a lot of your Spike/Harm reasons are the reasons I chose Spike Buffy--grevious bodily harm, enabler/enabled, with Spike being the glutton for punishment to Buffy's verbal and physical brutality, but only because he really believed he was helping.  I'm sure that people empathetic to Buffy would say she was being punished too--being ripped out of heaven and being forced to live life again...So sad.  Also, being used for sex because it's convenient, and other things I'm sure someone else will add to later as this thread continues.

So, now I'll just jump into Willow and Tara.  Tara pretty much had her mind raped by Willow, and we only got to see it twice.  I'm thinking that in OMWF, that really wasn't the first time.  Not only was it beyond wrong and reprehensible, particularly so since that was her girlfriend, and someone she was supposed to love and protect, but if you add in the whole Tara's already been violated mentally by Glory, just makes it all that much worse.  Though it's an extreme violation, I think it's kind of glossed over simply because it was a painless violation, and Tara has no real recollection of it happening (cept for "Tabula Rasa", but that happened to everyone). 

She wasn't forced--she asked Spike if he wants to play a game. He does, and she plays it.
But Harmony doesn't know Spike is in love with Buffy, so she thinks they're just playing a vampire/slayer game. She doesn't realize that he's playing the game because he wishes he were having sex with Buffy. That, to me, makes it much more disturbing. Role-playing is one thing; having the person you're sleeping with dress up as the person you wish you were sleeping with is something else.

Anyway, my first instinct was to say Spike and Buffy for both of these. Given the amount of abuse that both of them received in the relationship, I think they're the winners there. (The other examples so far, there was an abuser and an abused, but I think Spuffy is the only relationship where the abuse went both ways.) I'd be willing to consider others for "most dysfunctional," although they're really ALL so dysfunctional that it's hard to pick just one!

I think Spike and Buffy functioned pretty well, considering.  Obviously not as well as Spike wanted, and there was definetly enough violence there to shake a stick at... but... you know, wasn't that what turned them on?  I mean, maybe it wasn't functional in a Nelson Rockefeller sort of way, but it seemed to work for them at first.   It was only when Spike got greedy and wanted love too that things got sketchy (and yeah, I know, maybe that's ALL he really wanted.)

Abusive - I guess it's because of the perception that Buffy was somehow teasing and tormenting by not giving him what he wanted, but taking what SHE wanted.  Fair enough, but I can think of worse torments then getting to make love to the girl of your dreams.  I know that I'm in the extreme minority here, but I didn't really see what Buffy was doing to as wrong.  She wasn't very empathetic, sure, but it never seemed like she was trying to hurt Spike or anyone else on purpose.  She was confused, scared, lost, looking for comfort wherever she could find it.  She lost her mom, and suddenly had to be a mom to someone who wasn't even really her sister.  All her non-Slayer-oriented dreams were going down the toilet.  And she was boinking her ex-arch enemy.  Besides If Buffy was abusing Spike, that was nothing compared to what Spike was doing to her.  It was very vampiric, when you think about it.  He knew she was vulnerable, sort of helpless, and swooped in.  Yeah it wasn't that simple, cause he was in love with her.  But for someone who supposedly has such keen insights into people, his courtship of Buffy seemed more than a little selfish/reckless.

That said, I guess I could back off the Spike/Harmony thing.  Willow/Tara is a really interesting choice.  I definitely see it.  Spike/Drusilla was interesting also, I suppose you could make a case for that too.

I agree Guest--being beaten up and called convenient and an (evil) soulless thing, and just generally how you suck was not a turn on for Spike.  Fighting is not the same as being beaten.  Also, it really wasn't "making love."  It's not the same as fucking, or fucking somebody over.  Losing her mom happened the year before (so it wasn't raw), and she wasn't being much of a mom.  She was barely around (hence Dawn's whole wish?).  Her job of doing her sisterly duties was buying an obscene amount of syrup and pancake mix, expecting to make it all better.

Also, you can't swoop in when someone literally jumps on your penis.  And I don't even have a penis, but realize this.

And yeah, Darla slapped Angelus around, left him behind to die...but I think he liked the former.  In fact, I think they only had a couple of spats regarding the Master, or at least Angelus alludes to that.  The latter definitely pissed him off. But they still loved each other, and I think what they shared was more,,,vampiric, but definitely on the romantic side. 

dysfunctional: 1 impaired or abnormal functioning 2 : abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction within a group

I would have to place the Buffy-Angel relationship as my choice for most dysfunctional - their inability to fulfill the sexual desires and passion with the Angel/Angelus curse would, IMO, make them a "dysfunctional couple" within the working definition.  The couple are depicted as very much as having strong sexual desires and it would be "normal" to express their love physically.  That their relationship was ultimately extremely unhealthy for Buffy, IMO, is exemplified in her actions and choices during the Angel/Angelus attempted cure.

their inability to fulfill the sexual desires and passion with the Angel/Angelus curse would, IMO, make them a "dysfunctional couple" within the working definition.
Hmm, I would object to that... that implies that any couple that abstains from sex is dysfunctional. Just because it's supposedly "normal" to act on sexual desire doesn't mean that it's dysfunctional to choose not to. And you can claim that Angel and Buffy were forced by the curse, but it's still a choice. They could've chosen to take the risk (we've seen that Angel can have sex without losing his soul) or they could've chosen not to be together (which Angel eventually did). Their relationship was certainly unhealthy, but I don't think it's because they couldn't have sex.

Well, all I can say is its good you don't have the Angel pairings here, because either Conner / Cordy or Wesley / Illyria would win "dysfunctional" hands down!  Yowsers!

Well, all I can say is its good you don't have the Angel pairings here, because either Conner / Cordy or Wesley / Illyria would win "dysfunctional" hands down!

If we were talking AtS, I'd go with Conner/Cordy as most dysfunctional.  That sh*t was f-ed up beyond comprehension   I don't care if Codelia's body was being controlled by a Power That Was.

But, since we're talking BtVS:

Most abusive: Hmm...I'm gonna go with Buffy and Spike, but Willow and Tara come in as a close second.  Willow definitely abused Tara, but more in an emotional way than a physical way.  When Tara questioned Willow's use of magic, Willow erased Tara's memory.  She had already been brain sucked by Glory, and Willow essentially did the same thing on a lesser scale.  But, to me it was worse.  Tara trusted Willow as her lover and her friend, and Willow took advantage of that trust.  She took away Tara's right to choose, her right to think for herself, and manipulated their relationship to suit Willow's own desires without any consideration for Tara.  Willow took away part of Tara's self.  If Tara hadn't left her, Willow would have turn her into a lesbian version of Stepford Wife, someone who said and did and thought everything that Willow wanted her to, a hollow robot to keep Willow happy: "Willow, don't you see?  There'll be nothing left of me."

But, even with all that, I have to say that Buffy and Spike had the most abusive relationship.  Obviously, it was physically abusive.  Buffy and Spike had physical fights, but those were on equal footing.  Buffy beat the ever loving shit out of Spike's pretty face in that alley, and what we saw wasn't even close to how bad he should have looked after taking a beating like that from a Slayer--blood and bits thicker than blood.  No, Spike didn't fight back even though he was strong enough and could harm Buffy, but that doesn't say that it was his fault or that he deserved it.  We don't say that a woman who has been beaten to within an inch of her life by her husband or her boyfriend is at fault for his actions, and Spike was not at fault for what Buffy did to him in that alley.

Buffy was also verbally and emotionally abusive toward Spike.  She told him that she only had sex with him because he was convenient (Personally, I always found that ironic.  Their relationship seemed anything but convenient ), and she used his body to make herself feel.  She called him an evil, soulless thing god knows how many times.  She told him that there was nothing good or clean in him, that he couldn't love, when it was clear that his love for her was the purest thing about him.  By the time Buffy got done with him, he was a broken shell of a being: "I'm nothing."

Spike was not completely innocent, however.  He did abuse Buffy emotionally.  He told Buffy that he was all she had, that her friends weren't there for her, which admittedly, was true   But separating a person from their loved ones is a classic move on an abusers part.  He told Buffy the one thing that would make her hate herself, that she was just like the monsters that she killed everyday, that she, a warrior of light, belonged in the dark.  He played on her fragile emotional state to try to get her to be with him.  He did love her, but it was desperate and sick, nonetheless.  As for physical abuse on Spike's part, well, we all know what happened in the bathroom (and I am not opening yet another debate about it, just making my point).  And, personally, the balcony at the Bronze wasn't one of his shining moments, either.

So, I guess I pick Spike and Buffy over Willow and Tara because the abuse came from both parties, and it happened on a grander scale and for a longer time.

Most dysfunctional: They're all pretty freaking dysfunctional.  So, I'll say who I think was the least dysfunctional   Willow and Oz: The only thing that I can think that was bad about their relationship was unfaithfullness, Willow with Xander and Oz with Veruca.  Oz was a pretty level-headed guy who loved his Willow.  He had the whole wolf thing going, but the two of them managed to work it into their relationship just fine.  Willow babysat him when he was furry, for Christ's sake.  And when it started to be a problem, he went and found a way to control it.  Willow had already fallen for Tara at that point, but that didn't reflect on her relationship with Oz.  Their sexual relationship was pretty worry-free, no one lost their soul, no one was underaged.  They seemed to communicate pretty well...when Oz said anything.  They had problems, but they seemed to be able to work through them.

Spike and Harmony are up there - although its mostly one way, Spike abusing Harmony and in addition to calling her a moron, he calls her a stupid bint and says he loves syphillis more than he loves her.  He treats the Buffybot a lot better than he ever treats Harmony (except when he wants something.)

Joyce and Ted the Robot are a great couple, too.

Losing her mom happened the year before (so it wasn't raw)

Yeah, in real time.  But for her, her mom dies, what, a few weeks before Buffy herself died?  I dunno... hard, hard hard on Buffy.  It's gotta be kind of ironic that I'm one of the only guys here and one of the only ones who feels pity for Buffy.

It'ss gotta be kind of ironic that I'm one of the only guys here and one of the only one who feels pity for Buffy

You are not alone, lb, you are not alone.

Yeah, Buffy was gone for 5 months - so that's like 5 months that never happened for her. Not to mention that she got to relive those feelings all over again when her memory returned in "Tabula Rasa."

Losing her mom happened the year before (so it wasn't raw)...

To be blunt, I think that statement is complete bull. Buffy's grief over losing her mother would still be very raw even if she hadn't died. It's been over ten years since my mother passed and there are times when its still raw.  There is no time limit on grief.

There is no time limit on grief.
Yes Lady, this is true.  However, Buffy specifically mentions why she's unhappy at being back, and none of the reasons given had to do with losing her mom, or finding her mom again in heaven, etc.  It was clear that her mother's death was weighing on her in "The Gift," but in "Afterlife," that isn't one of the specified reasons.

But a good bit of Buffy's struggle in s6 is that she's trying to take care of Dawn, and pay the bills, and do all the things her mother used to do, and she's failing at it. I don't think it's a stretch to say that Buffy missed her mom during those times, and wished that Joyce was there to take care of them. It's pretty obvious that if Joyce had been around, Buffy's burden would've been lighter after her resurrection, and she might not have been as depressed as she was. I don't think you can say that her mother's death wasn't having an effect on her, whether she specifically said it or not.

Hmm, I would object to that... that implies that any couple that abstains from sex is dysfunctional.

Not sure that I would describe Buffy and Angel as a couple that freely chose not to engage in sexual activity - My personal opinion, and I offer it simply as that, is that they were forced into a non-sexual relationship by their experience from their first sexual intercourse and the emergence of Angelus.   Their choice was forced on them from this experience and fear that sexual intercourse would bring Angelus back.  Buffy and Angel very much wanted to have a full, and what would be considered a "traditional-normal,"  romantic relationship.  They had strong sexual desires but could never fulfill  those desires  into their life together - they would always end up being frustrated from their desires.   Plus, while Angel/Angelus was in Sunnydale, they did not know that it was "perfect moment of joy" (paraphrase)  that was the clause, not necessarily their sexual encounter.  They probably actually would never have had a repetition of Sex-Angelus, because "fear" would always be part of their sexual life from this point thus it would not be a "moment of pure joy." again. 

Going back to the working definition: impaired or abnormal functioning - I would described their relation as one that was impaired or abnormal functioning.  If they could have sustained their relationship under the conditions of "the curse" - they would not have had to separate nor would Angel have described their relationship as "a freak show."  (interesting contrast with Angel-Buffy it is all the not being able to have sexual intercourse and restrictions that is "freak"  with Buffy-Spike, it is all the sex that she describes as "freak"

There are many couples who choose not to have sexual intercourse and with that freedom of choice they are certainly living within their established parameters and what is normal for them.   Not sure that Buffy and Angel were free to live their lives and express their Love as they would have wished - from this POV, my personal opinion, is that they were an "impaired or abnormal functioning."   It is not so much that they could not have sex, it is more that they were forced into that restricted pattern and it is not a pattern that they can live with.

There is no time limit on grief.

Ditto.  My grandmother died 18 years ago, and I still tear up from time to time.  I still have my mother--thank god--but if she died, I'd be lost.

But a good bit of Buffy's struggle in s6 is that she's trying to take care of Dawn, and pay the bills, and do all the things her mother used to do, and she's failing at it. I don't think it's a stretch to say that Buffy missed her mom during those times, and wished that Joyce was there to take care of them. It's pretty obvious that if Joyce had been around, Buffy's burden would've been lighter after her resurrection, and she might not have been as depressed as she was. I don't think you can say that her mother's death wasn't having an effect on her, whether she specifically said it or not.

If Joyce had still been alive, Buffy wouldn't have had nearly as difficult time coping with being torn out of Heaven.  She still would have been depressed, she still would have been angry.  But Joyce would have been there to help her, to comfort her.  I'm a huge advocate of tough love and of children learning to stand on their own, but the key word is learning.  I've been taking care of myself since I was 17 years old, but I wouldn't have survived any of the rough patches that I had without my mother and my friends to support me.  Buffy's friends were too self-absorbed to notice her drowning, and Giles was too busy being not there.  Granted, he wasn't her parent and hadn't honed his parenting skills over the last 20 years, but basically, he abandoned her when she needed him most.  Buffy didn't have enough experience taking care of herself, let alone a home and a teenager.  Giles favored a sink or swim method when, perhaps, Buffy would have benefited more from swimming lessons.  Joyce would have helped Buffy learn to cope, to stand on her own.  And if Buffy tried to push her away, she wouldn't have given up; Joyce was pretty damned determined about things.  Now, Buffy did have Spike trying to help her cope, but that was a situation of the blind leading the blind...in an unfamiliar house full of secret passageways and trapdoors   He did the best he could have, but no one is a replacement for mommy.

Great Post Immortal Beloved -

I know that it makes a huge difference living away from my family and mom - without a strong support system, not just when you are young but even as a mature adult, a person can feel very lost and worry about all the "what if's" -

Buffy had all the responsibilities of an adult and mother suddenly become a major part of her life - that alone would be a huge change to deal with - add all the stress and depression from her resurrection plus all the muck her Scooby friends brought into the cycle - it all came together in one huge mess.

I am not suggesting that placing a great deal of  her anger, depression, and anxiety onto to Spike and getting into their abusive relationship but I do recognize that all that stress contributed to her emotional trauma.  Another thing with Buffy - I think that her hatred and abusive behavior with Spike was so complex and had so much left over Angel/Angelus fiasco - Buffy had some serious "heavy duty" emotional crap in Season Six.  Spike had tons of his own emotional baggage, but he always loved her once they became involved.  I never had the impression that for Spike he always wanted to make love not just have a sexual gratification.  Tragically, that is what it finally all ended up as - Love for one partner - sexual pleasure, or whatever Buffy saw it as.  That she was fully prepared to kill him if he spoke about their Sex-a-thon during "Smashed" I do believe. 

I don't think you can say that her mother's death wasn't having an effect on her, whether she specifically said it or not.
I don't doubt that Joyce would have made Buffy's transition easier, or that yeah, she missed her mom.   But it seemed to me that she was specifically missing Giles more that year.  At least, that's the reason she gives Spike about why she was upset.

Another thing with Buffy - I think that her hatred and abusive behavior with Spike was so complex and had so much left over Angel/Angelus fiasco -
I agree.  Two things were going on there.  One, Spike was capable of love, well specifically, loving Buffy whereas Angelus couldn't.  Also, Buffy was at a point where she wasn't capable of love, or how much of it she could give.  She was feeling that way before her "gift," and when she got back, she wasn't sure if she was fully herself.  When she found out that she in fact was her usual self, that made things even worse for her.  She was full of all of this self hatred and loathing, not feeling totally...I don't know, soul having or however you want to phrase it, and along comes Spike, who's full of love--a soulless being.  I'm thinking that amplified everything else.

You notice how the writers don't talk about the people who died, the next season, for the most part? Willow deals with her Tara baggage, but no one mentions Joyce, and Cordy's death is basically dropped on AtS, too. I think Dawn only brought up "you're not Mom" once, and Buffy only mentions her when Dawn's dancing with RJ in S7 as a way to shame Dawn. It's not normal to never talk about the people you lose...

CM

But it seemed to me that she was specifically missing Giles more that year. At least, that's the reason she gives Spike about why she was upset.
She gives Giles leaving as the reason for one specific mistake - kissing Spike in the Bronze. That was because he had just left her (possibly that very night, though the editing makes it a little muddled). But that most certainly wasn't the only thing bothering her throughout the entire season, nor was it the only time she "acted out" because of the way she was feeling. She was depressed before Giles left (and in fact, had started kissing Spike before he left), and she was screwed up for a long time afterwards. The financial problems start coming up as early as "Flooded," so I'm sure her mother's death would've been weighing on her then.

so I'm sure her mother's death would've been weighing on her then.
But that isn't the information that's given.  In fact in s5, she only brings up her mother once or twice.  Even Dawn accuses her of not grieving (hence the whole slap in the face moment).  She was feeling dead inside before her death, and I think (if I recall correctly) that the whole vision quest thing was due in part to her lack of feelings. 

It's not normal to never talk about the people you lose...
Exactly Caro--someone really greiving about someone as much as people are suspecting Buffy greived for her mom after all that time would have at least one "reminisce" moment--smelling her clothes, looking at a picture or something.  That's another reason why I don't think it was hitting her that hard (at that point in time of s6).

I see it as less of Buffy feeling, and more of a narrative flaw from the writers, since they have a pattern of sweeping people out of the picture under the rug. In their "moving on for the story" attempts, they ignore how any real human would be acting, and that's not the characters' fault.

Now, could Buffy be so shut down that she never deals with her mother's death, trying to pretend that doesn't exist unless she's confronted with moments that shine on Joyce's lack of presence....? Yeah....but it's very rare for even the shut down to have so little mention of it in their life. You'd get the "I don't want to talk about it!" responses, not just.....nothing. Serious fault of the writers.

But yeah, she did go on the quest to figure out if she was losing her ability to love....which, of course, means that Buffy ignores the part about "love, live, forgive".

We have to decide what we limit the characters to showing in the show, and what we could expect them to realistically do between scenes in their 'real life'.

CM

Also, not to nitpick but there are a couple of ships missing from the discussion in my opinion.  Namely Giles/Jenny Calendar and Giles/Joyce.  Though not abusive, there was plenty of dysfunction there, right?!

Hey, if you want to add Giles/Jenny, that's cool.  But technically, Giles and Joyce weren't ever a couple--they just made whoopee that one time

LOL Scarlet.  But I'm pretty sure it was twice.  Plus, let's not forget they had a "daughter" together.

But I'm pretty sure it was twice.

Yes, it was twice--on the hood of a police car.  I believe "stevedore" was the term used by Joyce.

But I'm pretty sure it was twice.
Bah--if you want to be all technical about it   Let's just say I meant "one night."



And stevedore?  You know, I looked that up, and it's still not registering how that word is supposed to work in that sense...

Not sure that Giles and Jenny were a "dysfunctional couple" - their break-up I think is fairly normal - he was angry and disappointed with her but then they  decide to forgive each other and try to get back together again.   I don't think of them as being in an especially abusive or impaired relationship - 

And stevedore? You know, I looked that up, and it's still not registering how that word is supposed to work in that sense...

I totally looked it up, too.  I have friggin' clue.

I totally looked it up, too. I have friggin' clue.

Um...he unloaded his ship in her port real good?  He could really handle her cargo?  I don't know--I'm sure she was aware of better euphemisms.  His wand really turned tricks over her hat, he was a helluva conductor on his train, he parked a smooth ride in her garage--I don't know

ETA:  Perhaps it was dysfunctional in the sense that ultimately, he gave her the silent treatment?  I do think that was strange...I know she had information, and she wasn't 100% who she said she was, but he still should have talked to her, and not let Buffy's anger wholly dictate his actions in regards to Jenny.

stevedore - I believe the reference meant that Giles was strong and rough during sex.  In a complementary way, of course.

I never thought of Giles and Jenny as dysfunctional. Sure, they had their problems, but compared to some of the other couples on the list, those problems seem downright trivial. Normal couples keep secrets, and have trust issues, and even hold grudges the way Giles did. That's nothing compared to the dysfunction of, well, any of Buffy's relationships, lol.

Giles and Joyce - also not dysfunctional. Awkward, definitely. But not dysfunctional.