This has to be one of the most painful things I've ever read.  Painful, but absolutely amazing.  You've developed a series of relationships and undertones of relationships that is utterly on target.  Even though, I'm a fan of Xander, I can see that side of him in the person you've created, can feel exactly where you've drawn that cruel, depraved side from.  I have seldom been this impressed by a work of fiction.   If you've ever receieved a review from me before, you would know I'm not overly generous or effusive.  I know good writing.  This is good, intelligent, well characterized, frighteningly believeable writing.  Xander's villainy doesn't come from a cheap place of childish 'author vendetta', either.  I've seen those, and I stay far from them.  This story came from the imagination...  Deep and raw.

Blue

Boy the idiot really did a number on Spike didn't he?

I wanna kill Xander.

Stupid Buffy! We need Angel!

i don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that this story pisses me off as much as it does. All there actions piss me off except for Angel's I think he has the right idea screw Buffy and her misguided delusions he should go off and just kill Xander himself. If Buffy has a problem with that he should tell her to look at Spike for reasurance of what the right choice was. If Spike is relieved and terror free then she knows and if Angel did it, then u know it wasn't a pretty death and she won't have her friends blood on her hands. Win-win situation i say. Angel takes a little lesson from Angelus about torture and satisfies his demon. Yup yup that would be appropriate

SpaceLord wrote: Why? I mean why would he trust her to not to hurt her? I mean in the first chapters after he had been rescued he feared she would beat him at any moment and if it’s affection he wants then Dawn would be the obvious choice. This is where I have serious trouble with the story. If he trusted her and turned to her for physical protection I would get it but for him to turn to her for emotional makes no sense at all to me. I’m sorry but it doesn’t, nothing in their past would give him reason to trust her with his mental well being.

It is true that nothing in Spike and Buffy's past would give him any reason to trust her with his emotional well being. However, in BHNM, Spike does not consciously remember the past. All he knows is the care and affection that Buffy has shown him since finding him in the cave. Yes, Spike was frightened of Buffy at first. On a subconsious level, he would instintively know that she is capable of hurting him. Just as he automatically trusted Dawn on a subconsious level. Dawn continues to show him affection, and Spike continues to trust her. Buffy begins to show Spike affection, and he begins to go to her for comfort, if not for trust.

Spike has always wanted to be near Buffy, whether to kill her or to shag her or to love her. Buffy's treatment and abuse of Spike in the past would send any sane man fleeing. If Spike acted with his mind, he would have nothing to do with Buffy. If he were smart, he would have waited a few years and fallen in love with Dawn. But Spike doesn't act with his brain. He acts with his heart, and his heart belongs to Buffy. Spike acts on love, and his love never needs a reason.

Here are my thoughts on your responses and some of the other comments on this chapter and the story so far.

So Spikes mental capacity is not that of a toddler and is getting better and better all the time. I read that he had subconscious memories of things before (is that true or not) and if that is true then in my book he would not cling to Buffy at all for affection. There is nothing in their prior relationship that would make me believe that Spike would think that he could get any kind of affection from her, the only thing he’s ever gotten is pretty much what Xander has been dealing out to him (not in that brutal way but almost as bad). She has on a few occasions shown some sort of respect for him but that’s it. So to me he would cling to Dawn for support if that is what he needs, if it’s for protection then I could see him clinging to Buffy since she is more powerful but since he don’t trust her and you stated that he doesn’t trust her then I fault your reasoning for having him cling to her. From the show that I watched he protected her while she abused him I can’t see how any subconscious memories would make him cling to her at all. He probably got more affection from Dru and Angelus than he ever got from Buffy.

Answer: He *doesn't* trust her, not to protect him. I stated that in the chapter, he knows Xander can get to him, in spite of her promises. He *does*, however, trust her to a point, not to hurt him herself...and he's desperate for the first affection that he's been shown since he can remember...he clings to her not because he trusts her, but because she's offering him affection and tenderness, and spike's very nature is to crave that...

Why? I mean why would he trust her to not to hurt her? I mean in the first chapters after he had been rescued he feared she would beat him at any moment and if it’s affection he wants then Dawn would be the obvious choice. This is where I have serious trouble with the story. If he trusted her and turned to her for physical protection I would get it but for him to turn to her for emotional makes no sense at all to me. I’m sorry but it doesn’t, nothing in their past would give him reason to trust her with his mental well being.

I've read some of the previous reviews that state that some readers don't understand why Spike would trust Buffy at this point. Spike instinctively knew that there was something different about Buffy when she first found him in the cave. Spike subconsiously knew that Buffy was capable of hurting him, but he also felt a need to be near and to comfort her. Spike leans into Buffy's hand when she touches his face, and he strokes her palm when she cries. In the past, Spike withstood Glory's torture, protected Dawn, helped the Scoobies, etc., while Buffy used and abused him. Eventhough he doesn't yet remeber the past in BHNM, there is no telling how far Spike's devotion to Buffy will go now that he is finally getting the care and affection that he always wanted from Buffy. Spike's unwavering desire to be with Buffy and to protect her--no matter if she hurts him or alows others to hurt him--clearly shows itself in the cannon, and in BHNM.

In short: DoS rocks!

Gotta say you do great torture. This is you at your excruciating best!

No! More! More now! Please please please?

~Nebula

Damn I wish Buffy would stop being so naive! She won't even let herself consider that its Xander, when clearly SPike is more traumatized then ever, not to mention the lame story about how his wound reopened. I really wish she would open her eyes because there's no way this situation is good for Spike, constantly worrying about her abandoning him to Xander and/or her and Dawn getting hurt. I really hope something happens soon to make her see the truth

Really glad Buffy washed the Xander smell off first. Why oh why does Buffy make promises that she obviously can't keep. Obviously the bad guy - even if she doesn't know who it was - can get to Spike. And, ewww - send Dawn to bed in her own room.

Lovely chapter! Thanks for the update!
Love the story, I really really do, but hopefully things will start to come together to help Buffy figure out what really happened to Spike because he has been through so much and Xander needs to get caught!!!
Excellent work, loved it!!!!

OK, now Buffy can find the blood spot on the wall in the morning and KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!!!
I really don't blame Buffy for not realizing it's Xander - she doesn't know what we do, and she can't see what's inside of Spike's head. She can only go on what she knows, and what she sees going on around her. Xander is her friend - a kind of goofy guy who has always had her back - no super-powers, but still willing to do his best to help. Sure Spike is freaked out, but she has only had him for a few days, and has been really stressed, so might not realize what is going on. At least she is really trying to help adn protect, even if she's missing what is under her nose.
Well done, as usual! :)

Thanks for the quick update. Another good chapter but I hope that we won't be dwelling in the land of tortured Spike for long. I know that he is still in the healing process but the more blood he receives the stronger he should become. However, emotionally that is a different story since his ability to communicate is still hampered. I hope that Angel has a way to help Spike. Where is Anya? I can't wait to read your solution, hopefully we will not have to wait to long.

Well Xander achieved it ..being a bigger Monster then his father. Poor Spike falling into classic pedophile trap. Excellently written chapter. Thank You for quick updates GREATLY APPRECIATED

Right now I hate Xander for what he's done to Spike, how he's broken him.
I hope Buffy will wake up and realize what's happening.

All good questions, fellow reviewers.

I was thinking about there possibly being evidence in Dawn's room, too, when Xander was hurting Spike in there. If Spike's wound was already open when he was pushed against the wall, there should be a blood smear. And Xander wouldn't have seen it to clean it off, since he didn't turn the light on in that room. I hope Dawn will see something tomorrow morning when she goes to change clothes.

Guh, I was shaking my laptop,lol. Telling Spike to come clean,a nd I can't believe Buffy baught his story of hitting his head. Where's the blood on the night stand? Well I guess she's still a bit in denial. *sigh* I hope she hops out the river soon. Not believing Angel over Xander, vamp smell,lol. Can't wait for more.

Your story continues to be riveting, but I am also beginning to have a few questions.

While I don't think Spike need feel totally betrayed by Buffy's failure to protect him, I do find it hard to believe that he isn't at least ambivalent about whether or not to trust her at this point. I seem to recall that early on, he instinctively distinguished between Dawn (totally safe) and Buffy (a mixed bag). So whatever positive tugs he had toward Buffy, they weren't unambiguously positive tugs, and his current peril has to weigh into the "don't trust" column.

More importantly, I'm not sure how someone who has command of a few concrete nouns is capable of the type of reasoning you attribute to Spike in this chapter and the last. He's weighing out possible reactions to people? How? Without language, he has to be operating on feeling, not reasoning.

Finally, it is not obvious to me why Buffy totally trusts Xander, but was so willing to believe that Angel was the bad guy. This is after the Spanya incident in the Magic Box, right? You show Buffy thinking about character -- but why isn't she thinking about motive? Xander is the one with a big axe to grind with Spike -- who slept with both Anya and Buffy. Given the timing of Spike's disappearance, the suspicion naturally falls on Xander. True, Angel has always disliked Spike -- but there is nothing to account for the timing of this incident if Angel is the guy. So your Buffy is not just an idiot with respect to seeing what's right in front of her, she's also an idiot for not pausing one second to even think about who had a reason to hurt Spike at the time Spike disappeared.

And I gotta say that while I think Buffy is frequently an idiot, she didn't survive as slayer for all those years by not thinking about issues like motive.

Sorry, that's a lot of questions. I'm still totally enjoying this fic, as I do all your fics. I'm *really* looking forward to seeing how this all plays out.

I'm hoping for a blood smear on the wall. Or *something* that will give Xander away.

I just hate this. Xander got to him and he fears for his "girl's more then he does himself and he still has no real memory of them, he's only going on feeling. Xander's going to get his in the end, can't wait to see how and by whom! Another great chapter, thanks for the update.

Can I smack Buffy upside the head, plesse? Miss Oblivious needs to wake up - now! This is acary and heartbreaking. Maybe when Dawn hears about the events of this night, she'll put the pieces together. Maybe Angel will find a way to talk to her and at least drops some hints about Xander so maybe she'll be on the lookout for any suspecious behavior. I'm really pulling for Angel to find a way to nail Xander so there won't be any doubts about his guilt. Would love for Xander to experience a little of Angelus' tender, loving care. :)

I agree that Spike has the mind of a toddler -- and that a toddler would be hesitant or have great aversion to a person who lied to or betrayed them.

BUT -- Spike isn't just a toddler.

You already established that he felt a pull towards Buffy, even before his release from captivity. He has subconscious memories of her to go on, even if consciously she is still fairly new to him. And before the "accident," Spike would have done damn near anything for Buffy, no matter how badly she treated him.

Since he has subconscious memories of Buffy, it only makes sense that he has the same for Xander as well, and can sense the relationship between them. He understands much more than a toddler ever could, because his mind already recognizes these relationships, and he gets the "gist" of these people, even if he doesn't fully realize it and his fear often overrules his rationalization.

So, I don't see any plothole in your story. No goof. You already explained the reasons behind his motivations to stay close to Buffy.

I'm a horrible lurker. I really am. But I do read your stories, and have my own thoughts on them. Commenting takes a long time for me. (I have a short attention span when I'm typing on the computer.) So reviewing is very potentially time consuming. Just thought I'd pop in and mention that you're doing everything right by my opinion.

Keep on pushing, DoS.

You are evil! When is she going to find out?!?
:(

First off, love this chapter. I know you only expect me to complain about your stuff, but the truth is that I like your stories alot when you have a logical reason for making Spike vunerable. Saving Grace, Trusing You, and this story all provide reasons. It is others, like Blood Bond and Slayer's Pet, where you seem to just ignore most of the cannon and make Spike into a sniveling weakling.

That being said, I agree 100% with SpaceLord after reading his comment. Spike is at the level of a toddler. And a toddler would not trust someone that lied to them. Buffy failed to protect him, and now she has made a promise he knows she failed to keep. That would mean he should be afraid of her, not cuddling her. The instant Xander entered the house, Spike (as you yourself wrote him) should have seen Buffy as something to free, all her work destroyed. To have him still long for her, with the way you have written Spike, is coming very close to a major plothole.

That being said, again, great chapter. If I ignore that plot goof, then it is an emotional, heartbrekaing piece.

Of course, I have to question Buffy's logic. I mean, if I were there, Icould have solved her doubts instantly: Tell Angel to use the Sire's Voice to have Spike point to anyone that hurt him. Spike can't deny the Sire's voice, and if Angel worded it correctly ("Spike, ignore all other commands you've ever been given and point to the person who hurt you")then youwould instantly have Xander in deep crap.

Right now, I am hoping that you go different then what is expected, and have Angel kidnap Spike, and have the big discovering happen while Spike isn't there. Then, do much of the story with Buffy and Dawn trying to convince Spike AND Angel that they are sorry.

That would be different from what you have done before, as everyone is expecting the reveal to happen a'la "Buffy finds Xander in the act" or "Someone makes the grand reveal with Spike sitting by shaking".

oh spike... it pains me to see you like this! just let it out... and i think im going to kill xander 26 ways til tuesday!! *grumbles*

She had no way to know that her promise had already been broken.


stupid buffy. Poor spike now he can't even feel safe with buffy/dawn. No way he can get over what happened while still living with xander's constant threats and abuse. I just hope angel can do something to protect spike.(god i can believe i just said that lol)

But didn't Xander make a dent in the wall? Surely Buffy will notice and put two and two together instead of buying the cock and bull? Nah, this is canon Buffy...unable to see what is in front of her.

Oh thats just... awesome writing. Poor Buffy is trying so hard for him. And poor Spike is just so traumatized to know ti trust her. Can't wait for the next update! :)

If she doesn't hurry up and get her head out of the sand! Please tell me she'll be letting go of her friend denial soon?

OH pullleezzzeee! Buffy get a clue!

Okay, I am just catching up for the last copule of chapters and I am so in awe of the turn of the story. I just really hope that Buffy will open her eyes soon and that Spike will be compelled to telling the truth. I just hope Angel will be able to help. I am by no means an Angel fan but if he can help right now I am so willing to take it.

Maybe I should add that this was only about the interaction between Spike and Buffy and how I think that Spike should no longer feel any safety in Buffy's presence.

God, it's obvious that he's lying, Buffy!!!!! Think deductively and put the frickin' evidence together!! It shows how much she doesn't really know him, to not tell the difference in his reactions and words.

Oh, why couldn't Angel charge up to check on Spike, himself? He would have known in a split second that Spike had been abused again.

Well to be honest the last couple of chapters don't make much sense to me at all. I mean ok that Buffy is a complete moron but the way that you have Spike acting don't make sense to me. Unless I totally missed something here he is an animal or maybe a child or maybe a bit of both at this part of the story. Now if you look at it from his point of view Buffy left him alone with his tormentor after promising that he would be safe and that he would never find him there now obviously that is not true and since he can't comprehend very much from the world I would say that he would view that as complete betrayal and I don't think that he would trust Buffy any more since she obviously lied to him (from his perspective).

So I don't like this turn of event at all since I can't see how he would care about Buffy's safety because he would not trust her and view her as a potential enemy that would inflict pain on him at any moment.

I'm sorry but when u deal with very primal emotions like with this Spike and his inability to understand complex thoughts, he lives in a very black and white world and that security has been shattered by Buffy. He could smell him on her and that would of course mean that to him she would now be someone he couldn't trust.

This of course is just my thoughts on the matter.

You're breaking my heart. Xander better pay big time.

Ugh! I so want to smack Buffy so SO badly. Delusional twit!

I really hope Angel goes and pays a visit to Xander and I hope it includes lots of screaming, pain so agonizing that it causes vomitting and lots and lots of blood...and the loss of body parts wouldnt be half bad either.

The poor thing. You do heartbreaking angst soo bloody well.

Do they keep you away from small animals?

**grins**