doing a refresher read - just wanted to say what a wonderful and beautiful chapter and transition point for Spike - and I love how you used Fred. Angel also has been used so well; bringing in his betrayal of Spike, but also a means for his coming back -

Spike words are so wonderful in this chapter - a perfect summation of all their history together.

"– saying she loved me – and not meaning it.” spike has that right. very goor read, tahnk you.

Oh and yeah, Spike left HER and he's getting pissy because she doesn't call him, like she's sposed to be a mind reader and just know when he's ready to talk to her again. I guess his brain isn't fully healed yet, the dumbass

she DID mean it you bit weepy dodo bird!!

Powerful statements in this chapter! Very well written. Spike understood that there was a high threshold to obtain Buffy's love. Understandably, he's upset.

Okay, wow. I just spent an embarrassingly long time being unproductive and doing nothing but catching up on this story. But it's a definite testament to your awesome writing that I COULD NOT stop.

I love love LOVE this fic. You capture the characters and their emotions so well, I was practically crying along with them several times. The portrayal of Spike's experience and behavior was spot-on (in the sense that I have no idea what I'm talking about but it sounded good to me...). He almost seemed to me like an animal, conditioned to certain responses by the torture, but with all the added weight of human emotions.

I almost have a hard time believing that Xander realized the extent of what he was doing to Spike - not because he isn't evil enough (you certainly made him convincing in his motivation) but because it's hard to even fathom the concept of debilitating a person to that point so as to completely rebuild them from nothing, and to rebuild them with such a degraded a self-image. It would be nearly impossible to do that to a human, because they wouldn't survive the injury, so it's hard to think Xander actually knew what would happpen to Spike when he did it.

Anyway, I'm getting rambly, so let me just say that your scenes of Spike's healing were so utterly heartbreaking, and so perfectly crafted. You portrayed his struggle so well, and Buffy's too - I didn't hate her as much as some people seemed to, I really sympathized with ALL the characters (well, except Xander, mostly). I thought it took her a little too long to finally admit it was Xander - she ignored obvious evidence, when she didn't even have an alternate theory, just "it couldn't be Xander because it's Xander" - but I did understand her motivations (even if I disagreed with them) for doing what she did.

This last chapter just breaks my heart... like someone else said, it's like the moment in Chosen all over again. That he can forgive her for everything she's done to him, but be hung up on the thought that she lied to him about loving him... says a lot about Spike.

*Really* looking forward to updates (I admit to a slight panic attack when I got to this chapter - for some reason I had it in my head that this was a completed fic, and I thought "how dare you end it that way!!" but we're okay now). This has been monumentally long, but well, it's a LONG story.

There were tears in my eyes at that last statement.

awww..... *tear* thats just so sad..

OMG! He thinks she didn't mean it? That is terrible! I thought she did.

Can I have your writing talent? I'll just borrow it for a while ;)
Seriously this story is turning out beautifully, great work!

I loved how this chapter is all about Spike. *hugs Spike* sadly there's no magic cure to make the hurt stop. How can you write your characters so real? Every single time you amaze me with their reactions. Like now, if it were me the one thing I would find unforgivable is exactly what Spike finds unforgivable. Sometimes when reading a book I find it dull not because it's poorly written but simply because the characters are unbelievable. With your stories I'm practically jumping out of my skin with the emotions you bring forth. *glances around* I'm pretty sure they're going to call the nice doctors with their sedatives if I keep yelling at my screen...sssst ;)

As for Buffy *sigh* I don't know what to feel about her. A part of me wants to kill her for doing this to Spike, another part understands her reaction. But being scared (justifiably or not) isn't an excuse to avoid Spike and to keep on hurting him. She made a mistake, it's time to own up to it.

*What he wasn’t so sure of was whether or not he *wanted* to lose her.* She's worth losing (did that sentence make sense?). You(DoS and Spike) are priceless and it would be tragic to lose you.

I love Fred for being there for Spike and helping him to verbalize his thoughts and fears. I can understand why Spike would think Buffy didn't really love him, but I wish he could see that it isn't the case. It makes sense that he would be able to forgive her everything but living up to her word and defending him above all others. I really hope she talks to him sometime soon

Poor Spike. I know that he as always been the one to put it all on the line for love. And he has never really gotten unconditional love back from anyone. But he has Angel now, Dawn always and even Fred to talk to. I just hope that Buffy can get her act together and stop hurting him. Awesome dialogue between Spike and Fred.

what the fuck!!!!!!!! where is the spuffy sex and happiness

That was so important for him to get out. He should be hurt, she "did" hurt him in so many ways that he shouldn't even begin to forgive her for. I've no doubt that this would be the most hurtful thing to him. Of course he doesn't believe that she love him, even I doubt that she really loves him, while doing all those things that she did to him. When you love someone they come first, above everyone and everything and he didn't. Hoping that Fred would contact Buffy and let him know just what he's feeling, since you want a spuffy ending. It's nice to know that Angel is fulfilling his Sire's role, god knows Spike does need it, though he has mixed feelings about it. Thanks for writing this Spike needed to speak his peace and it was nice to have Fred's outlook on it, from a females POV. Very needed chapter, thanks DOS.

“For saying those words – saying she loved me – and not meaning it.” That was heartbreaking!
Poor Spike, Buffy really needs to get her act together and talk to him.

Buffy needs to get off the woe is me and speak to Spike. He's not far from turning his back on Sunnydale and who can blame him!

OMG....what a breathtaking chapter.It had to be Fred he would confine in,she is so kind and care for him. I just wish that Buffy could have heard him talking about it.I really hope they will get to talk about it. Lovely update:)

I think he *needed* the space, like Giles said. But Buffy is going to take it to extremes to the point that they won't be able to talk at all without hard feelings. And Spike won't make the first move--not when he thinks she lied about saying she loved him. Looking forward to the rest of this.

And it's burning up in the Hellmouth all over again, only this time Buffy didn't hear him say that he doesn't believe her when she finally told him.
What a mess of a sentence. Sorry.
I LOVED the conversation with Fred - so poignant.

Just read the reviews from last chapter and just ditto what Maggie2 wrote. Buffy didn't act like she loved Spike when she coherced him into a traumatic situation when he was vulnerable. So, if she does fall in love with him now, I hope she goes all out to prove it to him, and she needs to go after him first. I'm not rooting for a Spuffy ending, not at least until a lot of time passes, but I am still enjoying the story.

Whoa! Now that was a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking conversation. So glad Fred is there to talk to Spike and most importantly to really listen to him. Since she doesn't know Buffy at all and doesn't have any history with Spike, she's the perfect neutral party. As an almost completely impartial bystander, she can give Spike the benefit of her viewpoint as an outsider. That's something not even Angel (with their past history and his feelings for Buffy) can offer Spike. I just love that you've got Fred playing this role. Can't wait to read more. :)

I'm so sad, I used the wrong friggin' smiley :(

I'd have to say that this story has been mostly heartbreaking since the very beginning: Spike getting shot in the head, reading every word of torture, hearing every belittling, degrading word out of Xander's mouth, exposing the raw faults of every single character. Then Xander wound up brain dead in the hospital, and I breathed a sign of relief. The emotional roller coaster journey was finally over.

Until I read this: "'She said that she loved me!'...and I believed her – completely...But – I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for…saying she loved me – and not meaning it.'"

Now, I see Spike with his hopes dashed AGAIN, and my still-beating heart has been ripped out of my chest AGAIN, and it's flopping across the carpet, leaving a bloody trail...AGAIN.

I have to go cry now ;-(

LOL, Zoe - I could go for that in this fic, too!

Exactly what we've known he's been thinking, but you laid it out all so perfectly clear and painful. And from his POV, he's completely right in his estimation...in how it would be from him if the situation had been reversed. If Spike had been the one to find a damaged Buffy, there would have been no doubts, no risk...he'd have moved hell and high water for her. It's just how he loves. How then, by that measuring stick, could he ever believe Buffy loved him based on her actions?

I love that it's Fred that he's bonded with besides Angel. Those two had a natural kinship that took very little time to develop.

awwwwwwwwwww!!!! POOR SPIKE!!!! Gawd i just wanta reach out and give the poor guy a hug! AND he is 100% right. After all she did she is still expecting Spike to make the first move? GREAT CHAPTER! Can't wait for more!!!

Evil Dreams breaks everyone's heart again. How could you be so mean to Spike? Please, fix it.

And this chapter furthers mu point that your Spike & Buffy don't belong together.

And REALLY proves what I've been preaching for years... All men, including Spike, are STUPID! lol. Why he'd expect her to just run after him is beyond me... but I'm so happy you wrote it that way! :D

“For saying those words – saying she loved me – and not meaning it.”

Exactly. He's waited so long to hear those words -- and to have all this go down *after* hearing them must have been so painful. (Painful to me to read!) Good articulation of all his mixed feelings. And if he can identify the problem, well, that's a crucial first step to the seemingly insurmountable task of making a healthy relationship out of this mess. Also very glad he knows it's not just the raw fact of her siding with Xander, but rather the fact that his concerns didn't carry any weight with her.

Good chapter!

Heart wrenching and I can't wait for the next chapter. Love the spike-fred friendship too!

Okay I know this is wrong, and I know this is a Spuffy site and not a Spred site, but I really do wish that Spike could get together with Fred in this fic.

awwwwwwwwww so sad.

Poor Spike, heartbreaking doubts that he has every right to have. Even if what came about was a not so simple mistake on Buffy's part, there's still all the things in their past that she has to answer for. Actions speak louder than words, so the "I love you" would definitely be hard to believe, at this point. Saying the words were hard enough, I just hope she finds a way to show him with her actions, instead of just running away from it.

"Can’t just bloody *deal* with a thing – gotta avoid you – gotta push it to the back of their minds, gotta hide from it, try to pretend it’s not there…”
Ahhhhh Buffy in a nutshell!

Now is the time for Buffy to contact Spike. She's let her fears keep her away and all it's done is to make him doubt that she loves him! Sure there is circumstantial evidence he can point to till the cows come home. But Buffy, flawed as she is, DOES love him (even on the show when she clearly loved him she never could make it convincing in action and word at the same time!).

Buffy does love him and even believed him at the heart of her and she needs to work to convince him of that truth now. It'll take lots of work to get the job done but maybe she wants him bad enough by now to actually work at it.

Love Spike having Fred to confide in....how in character! Also glad Angel is FINALLY being a decent sire to him. Spike is in a good place but now he needs his effulgent desire to make him whole again.

Let the games/dance begin.

Excellent update.

Kathleen

Oh, Spike. You just want to cuddle him. My heart breaks for him. He's been so hurt so many times that he can't see that she could have actually loved him, and yet still done something wrong. That it wansn't simply that she chose Xander over him. Those poor creatures. THey've got a long way to go, but I have faith they'll get there.