excellent read, thank you. buffy's moving in the right direction. don't think she is there yet.

Good to see Buffy acknowledging her failures but more talking needed before anything else! She'd better not mess Spike around!

Damn, well it's brilliant that Buffy finally stepped up. I like the touch of her showing up there rather than talking over the phone, since wtf kind of conversation is THAT to have over a wire? lovely chapter, I sacrifice goats in pleading for another. ^_^

awwwwww... *tear*

Just to warn you, I think this is going to be a long one.

Back during the whole does-DoS-hate-Buffy debate, I kept thinking that you were meerly portraying Buffy as her character would act and react if put into this storyline. Buffy has always had a very clear black/white, evil/good, demon/human perspective of the world, which made it necessary to do her job as the Slayer. Why wouldn't she has the same view in BHNM? The one time that she made an exception with Angel, he turned evil, started muching on the denizens of Sunnydale, killed her teacher, and tried to suck the world into hell. Buffy didn't want to make what she thought was the same mistake twice. So, Buffy got stuck in her demon = bad, human = good view, making Buffy resistant to seeing the good in Spike and the bad in Xander. This whole debaucle finally made her see the grey: "'being human doesn’t make you good. And -- and I think -- being a vampire doesn’t *necessarily* -- make you bad.” Somebody get that girl another Scooby snack! :-)

Spike says some harsh, but painfully true things to Buffy in this chapter:
"'all you really were interested in was protecting the Whelp from the truth of what he‘d done...tossed me aside like some bloody blow up doll that’d seen its better days…*When* did you start treating me any better, because I must have missed the bloody memo on that one...‘I love you’ line of crap.'"
I'm glad that Spike was able to let Buffy know just how much--and how often--she hurt him. It's one thing for Buffy to realize that on her own, but to see just how badly that Spike suffers may drive the point home. It's good that Buffy can see that even after she told Spike that she loves him, her actions affected him so deeply that he can't even believe her when she gives him that one thing that he's always wanted.

I read this chapter twice 'cause I wasn't entirely sure what I was feeling/thinking the first time around. I suppose I may be feeling conflicted because that must be how Spike is feeling: he wants to believe Buffy, but he's not sure if he should. I want Spike to believe Buffy, but I'm not sure if he should. Anyway, I have faith in the next chapter because you haven't disappointed me yet :cheer:

Oh, and I wanted to thank you for having Buffy confess to Spike the realization that he never got on the show: “'I took advantage of you in the worst ways, Spike -- and all the time I was telling myself that it was okay -- it didn’t really matter -- because you weren’t human..And that made *me* the monster.'"

Okay, that was rather long :-P

Buffy has been doing some deep thinking here. She could have gone back further to how the group (led by her) taunted Spike when he came to them for help after escaping the Initiative. How they did nothing to try to encourage his posiive changes and were verbally cruelwhen he was at their mercy. That set the pattern if you think about it. Glad Buffy is on the right track now.

I don't expect Spike to simply fall into her arms but this is a great first step. He needs to apologize for all that "you belong in the darkness" stuff that didn't help Buffy the past year too. That only pushed her further into bad behavior.

Excellent update. Almost feel sorry for Angel except his "love story" with Buffy has been over for years even if he didn't admit it to himself.

Kathleen

Well, Buffy made quite a start on mending their relationship (such as it is) with this heart-wrenching, face-to-face apology. I know it took guts for her to come see Spike, and I know that she's sincere, but I think there's going to have to be more. Words mean a lot and there is no doubt that Spike needed to hear all of this and that Buffy needed to say it, but actions are what really count. As others have said, I think they need to start over as friends and just take it slow, see how it goes.

As for Angel, I can't believe how mature and generous he's being here. As a character, I always liked him better on AtS than I did on BtVS. I think you've written him closer to how he was on AtS where he was often shown as being more thoughtful and compassionate than he was in Sunnydale. Maybe it has something to do with getting Angelus away from the Hellmouth or just getting him away from Buffy. lol They are definitely two people who aren't really good for each other.

All in all, a beautifully written chapter that leaves me longing for more. Just can't wait to see Spike's reaction. :)

Great chapter, yet again.
Wow, an apology from Buffy. That was kinda big. I hope Spike says yes.

I'm glad they're finally talking. Will Spike be able to forgive her? Good chapter!

SAY NO! Ok, kidding. Say yes.

I just finished all the new chappies and what a ride. Xander is brain dead and Buffy makes the first move to fnally see Spike and I think she grew up juuussttt a little bit. I want Spike to make her work very hard to get him back..he can't make it easy on her. She has always been the one that got away with too much as if it were her right.

I love Spike's strength of character and that he isn't afraid to speak his mind about her treatment of him in the past. Does Buffy really love him/let her prove it.
This is such a great story and response from readers is a testament to your skill as an author. You are the best...
Kim

What a gut wrenching chapter! You placed everything on the table for them to work out their problems. This is a beautifully written tear jerker chapter.

I never really thought that Buffy would be that open and honest with him, but I am so glad that she is. Now what will Spike do? I wouldn't blame him if he said 'NO'. I mean how much hurt and rejection can you take. Buffy is recognizing what she has done wrong, but will that be enough for him?

That was wonderful - especially the fighting part, or maybe especially Buffy's very heartfelt apology. Worth waiting for.

SO - Buffy has apologised, and Spike _wants_ to believe her, but is having a hard time of it. I don't think the apology satisfied me, somehow. I know she's being terribly sincere, and these admissions are very hard for her, even now...it's just a tiny bit...flat...somehow. Maybe when we get some more reaction to Spike or something.
Sill wondering how she got there! :)

I have to agree with "Maggie2", "A" and "Kim" - Buffy doesn't know what she's talking about and she's in way over her head. Buffy as the Slayer is almost completely about action and instinct, but when it comes to relationships (all kinds) that doesn't work out. She has an awful long way to go and the first step has to be that she realizes that. I don't believe she's there yet, is she?

Oh, this love hurts, even to a bystander. But the good ones always do. And it's so worth fighting for. Or maybe I'm just saying that Spike is worth fighting for? I don't honestly know.

I think that is both the most elaborate and the most simple apology I've ever seen Buffy make. Looking forward to more of this.

Maggie2, you're pretty dead-on. Those are my concerns, as well. Buffy has lived a pretty self-absorbed existence all the way back to before she became a Slayer. Yes, she does the sacrifices...but they are *sacrifices* to her, because of a *job*....and this is a girl who could have blissfully gone on forever in her pampered, self-absorbed little life without the PTBs getting involved. She's seen everything as a chore, a duty, that she has no choice...and it's not true. Her mindset hurts both her and those around her.

Yes...there's only one little statement in her last plea that is about Spike. She's not lying now, of course, but I do think she's in over her head...that she doesn't know at all how to do what she's claiming she wants. She and Spike have become very May/December. This experience has stripped him down and matured him...given him an intensely clear picture of what he does and doesn't want for his life, added on to what he already knew before. And Buffy...is very much behind where he's gotten to. I don't think their age difference has shone anymore clearly than in this moment in this chapter. They're just not at the same point in life.

Basically - Buffy's ready to "go steady", and Spike's ready for a wife, to pare it down in terms of levels of love.

Ditto Maggie2's review for me again. As happy as I was that Buffy finally got her butt to Spike to apologize, I couldn't help but feel funny when Buffy told Spike that even after she declared her love for him, he mattered less to her than humans and friends. Makes me concerned for Buffy and her ability to love and be in an actual give-and-take relationship. I don't fault the Slayer for her views about vampires. I do have a problem with Buffy's views of love and how to treat a boyfriend. She does, however, sound like she knows her attitudes were wrong. I hope she has the ability to be in a loving relationship. I guess the next few chapters will tell us that! Thanks for thought-provoking chapter.

Good for Buffy for giving a pretty full apology. We know that Buffy doesn't apologize easily -- so this is no small thing.

I am pondering, however, her account of why she bullied Spike into going along with the plan. She says that deep down, she still thought of him as less than human and that Xander, a human and her friend (btw: does that mean she didn't think of Spike as her friend?), mattered more (at least that's what I understand her to be saying). That's plausible, I suppose. It's easier to understand and forgive the bad things she has done because of her black/white picture about demons and humans. But that's not how the failure read to me. To me, Buffy's first confession of love was her way of expressing the fact that she didn't like the idea of losing what Spike represents to her -- namely one person in the world who loves her unconditionally. And because that's all she really meant, it made sense that she wouldn't even see that it was a problem to try to use him to meet her needs when it came to figuring out the truth about Xander -- cause her "love" for Spike was just her love for someone who met important needs for her. That's how it all read to me. And in a lot of ways it still does. She's here to apologize, but the last paragraph is all about what she wants. There's not quite a sense of respectful distance -- of saying she just needed to apologize, that she was worried about the effect all of this has had on him, that she wants him to do whatever he needs to do, and that if he were willing she'd love another chance. Instead it's that she's sorry, and that she wants him to forgive her and to give her another chance. The difference between the two is that the first focuses on concern for him and what he wants, while the second is about her and what she wants. Is she sorry because she hurt him? Or is she sorry because she fears she has finally pushed him away for good?

So yeah -- good that she apologizes. We'll see if she can grow into the sort of love that is about the other person, and not so much about herself. Rome wasn't built in a day! Or maybe Spike will be happy enough to have her finally willing to receive his love, even if it means that it will all still be about her.

Alas I am sick with the flu so this will be short. I LOVED this chappie. More please. Ok, crawling off to bed now.

Thank you DOS for giving her the right words to say to him. This was all on her and she needed to take full responsibility for it. All Spike did was be there for her and her friends and love all the Summers women. This is one of the few fics that Angel is trying to be the better vamp for a change and give them what they need, great work. Excellent chapter, thanks.

WOW GO BUFFY! That was unbelieveably hard for her I know but was SO NEEDED for both of them! I have been so anti-Buffy this fic and I know thats not really fair she is just acting out of what she thinks she knows, even if it is messed up and twisted... BUT GROWTH!!!! WOW Go Buffy! and YEA FOR SPIKE!!!! He so needed to hear that!

Aaaaww. How sweet. Buffy was taking one hell of a chance going to see him. I still can't quite believe that she would be so presumptous as to just expect he would want to see her. But he's being fairly decent about th whole thing. And while i know everyone is all 'poor Spike;, Buffy did make a mistake, but she DID cut him down from those chains, take him to her house & at least tried to comfort him.

I'll probably get bitched at for this... yeah, Spike's been through hell, but at the moment I'm thinking poor Buffy too. And I'm very proud of her right now.

you stopped THERE??? That's it, no more BoMB or Haunted for you!

Ah amazing as always :) I can't wait to hear Spike's response....Buffy's apology was quite heartwrenching and beautifully done!

Very touching chapter. Buffy is definitely moving in the right direction - glad Spike is holding is own. I'm very interested to see where this goes. Thanks for the update!

I like how he made her clarify how far back she was sorry.

Now I'm torn between him giving her a chance or making her suffer .

Forgiveness he can give, as an act of healthy living, but trying? Right now? How about being friends and proving Buffy can treat him that well first? She's done so many things...the words do count, but not enough to wipe the slate clean and just start dating, or whatever. She has to back up her words, now, because they all know how bad she is at doing it in the first place!