Title: 2 AM
Author: Goddess Hecate
Song: Breath (2 AM)
Artist: Anna Nalick

I don’t know anything and everyone and their mother knows it.

~*~
2 AM and she calls me ‘cuz I’m still awake
‘Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don’t love him, winter just wasn’t my season’
Yeah, we walk through the door so accusing, their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites, you’re all here for the very same reason
~*~

The first thing she noticed upon opening the door were the puffy red eyes that greeted her.

“B-buffy!” Tara could not think up a more intelligent response. This was not the visitor she had expected at two o’clock in the morning. Taking in the tear-streaked face and broken body language, Tara opened the door further.

“Thank god you’re here! I’m sorry, I know it’s late, but I didn’t know where else to go and I needed to talk to someone and I just- Oh god, Tara- I don’t mean to bother you but, please, you’re my only hope now.” Buffy was sobbing into Tara’s arms within moments. Tara gently closed the door before guiding the slayer to sit down on her bed.

“Anything you need Buffy. What’s wrong? Is this about … the thing?” Tara paused, looking around conspiratorially. “Is this about you and Spike?” Buffy nodded weakly.

“I’m so sorry to bother you with this, but you’re the only person I can talk to. God, I’m sure I woke you up. I’m so selfish. I should just go. I’m sorry.” Buffy rose to leave.

“Buffy please sit down. I was reading anyway. Tell me what’s wrong,” Tara said, placing her hands on the Slayer’s shoulders to gently push her back down. Buffy looked at Tara, unsure. Tara nodded gently and Buffy took at deep breath as she gathered her thoughts.

“Tara, you have to help me stop this. Please I just can’t do it to him anymore. God, I keep telling myself, telling him that he doesn’t, but I can see it in his eyes. Damn Vampire! His eyes are the windows to his goddamn soul.” Buffy paused in her tirade. “Which is impressive if you think about the fact that he’s not so big with the soul-having-ness. Anyway, I can’t keep doing this. It’s gonna destroy him. Which really should make me happy, if you think about it, because hello, not like he hasn’t tried to destroy me before. Me: Vampire Slayer. Him: Slayer of Slayers. We should be beating the crap out of each other. Still, I don’t want him dead or gone, I just… I just want him. Which is not the same thing as loving him, you know. That’s the whole problem, I can’t, but he does. I don’t know how to make him stop. And every time he gets so hopeful. I don’t know how to make him see that I’m just using him. I need his body - what he can do to me - but I don’t need him,” Buffy concluded. Tara continued to watch her. For a moment Buffy had the uneasy feeling that Tara saw things within her that Buffy didn’t see or understand.

“You don’t need him, but you keep going back to him.” It was almost a question, as though Tara couldn’t quite follow all of the details of Buffy’s story, like something didn’t fit. “Why not try other methods of…” Tara trailed off, blushing profusely. “There are other ways to get… satisfaction.” Buffy looked at her blankly for a moment.

“It’s not the sex. I mean it totally is, ‘cuz, hello, that’s all we ever do. But it’s more than that. I have to know that he’s gonna be there. He makes me feel, and he does it reliably. Its not that he’s the only one who makes me feel, but he’s the only thing in this whole world that is totally reliable. Whenever, wherever I want him, he’s there. He just doesn’t understand. If it becomes more than that, he’ll leave.” Buffy caught Tara’s confused look at this comment. “They all do. I care and they leave. I mean, really, I’m amazed he stuck around after the first round, ‘cuz, really, he’s the one who told me I must not be worth a second go. But then he fell in love. Dipshit. Who the hell falls in love with a Slayer? I mean, come on, we’re disposable.” Again, Tara looked shocked. “Maybe not in your eyes, but in the eyes of the council, there will always be another one to take our place. I’m just *the* Slayer for this generation. In the grand scheme of things, I’m just another Slayer. He should know that better than anyone, having killed two. God this wouldn’t be a problem if he weren’t so damn stupid. Falling in love with a Slayer, come *on*!”

“I’m sure if he had a choice in the matter, he’d just be in it for the sex too.” Tara couldn’t help but chuckle sympathetically. “It’s not a matter of logic or what he knows. It’s a matter of what he feels. He can’t help what he feels for you - just how he acts. Put yourself in his shoes; how would you act?” Tara paused; Buffy seemed to be deep in thought. “It’s a matter of heart, not head.” Buffy rolled her eyes.

“He keeps saying that, but come on. It is a matter of brains too. I can do it. I mean, I loved Angel, but I killed him to save the world. That had nothing to do with heart, just cold hard facts. He needed to die, didn’t matter if I loved him; I put it aside. That’s what Spike needs to do, put it aside. He must know that it would never work.”

“Why?”

Buffy looked shocked for a moment.

“Well, you mean other than the obvious; we all know how Romeo and Juliet ended? Because my friends and watcher would never approve,” Buffy answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I approve,” Tara said simply. “I think Dawn would too.”

“You’re right, but that’s only two of five.”

Tara cocked her head to think for a moment. It was true, Giles would be horrified. It would be his responsibility to be horrified, he thought of Buffy as his daughter. What kind of father wouldn’t try to chase off a bleach blond punk, not to mention the vampire aspect? No, she couldn’t really fault Giles for his assured disapproval. But then there was the issue of Willow and Xander.

It angered Tara to think that Buffy was willing to throw away Spike’s love for fear of her friend’s rejection. It wasn’t as if Buffy was floating in options. Normal men would never understand her need to leave for a few hours each night and come home caked in mud and bruises. Even men who understood that were likely to be put off by a woman who was so much stronger than they were. Tara had a very clear memory of overhearing Willow and Buffy discussing ways to avoid Riley trying to spar with her. What in the name of the goddess was Willow thinking? Xander too, for that matter - but Willow had been the first of the original Scoobies to see Spike’s love. Tara remembered lying beside Willow discussing whether or not to bring Spike and Giles in on their plan to resurrect Buffy. There had been no issue with Dawn, it wouldn’t have been fair to bring her sister back only to kill her if she hadn’t come back right. Giles would not have approved, but they needed Buffy. That had left Spike. Willow thought it might be helpful to have their strongest ally on their side. She figured he could be look out while they preformed the spell, ensuring that nothing came and interrupted them. Tara disagreed. Spike loved Buffy too much to put him through that. After much debate Willow had come to the same conclusion that Tara had; Spike loved Buffy. Spike loved Buffy in the romantic follow her to hell and back kind of way, and they couldn’t afford to lose his help if they had to kill a resurrected Buffy creature. Willow knew that Spike loved Buffy, knew that he had the potential to make her happy. Still, Tara knew that Willow would never allow Spike to get close to Buffy, let alone encourage Buffy to be happy with him. And Xander was another whole issue. He had hated the vampire from the beginning, as near as Tara could tell. Something about blaming the bleached vampire for breaking up a former relationship. Tara knew Xander hadn’t been all that fond of the other vampire in Buffy’s life either, so it could just be prejudice. It struck Tara just how hypocritical is was of them to disapprove of Buffy’s association with Spike, given Xander’s engagement to a former vengeance demon and Willow’s experience with a werewolf. What was wrong with them? Why couldn’t they just allow their friend to try to find happiness?

~*~
‘Cuz you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl
So cradle your head in your hands
~*~

“What am I gonna do, Tara?” Buffy’s question cut through Tara’s thoughts.

“What do you want to do?” Buffy stared at Tara as though she couldn’t understand her question.

“I want to stop hurting him, but I can’t. I’m so addicted to him. I want to be able to move on and find love… and I want him to do the same,” Buffy answered deliberately after a long pause.

“He has found love, Buffy. Spike loves you. Everyone knows that, even Xander and Willow.” Buffy looked up at the blond witch with tears flooding her eyes.

“But I can’t love him. I want to; God knows it would make life simpler. But I can’t. I’m not allowed to love him. I can’t even be nice to him. I’m so afraid to see him loving me, I can’t stand to see that and not be able to love him.” Buffy let her head rest in her hands and started to cry softly. “I can’t stand to see his heart break every time I leave, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t afford to lose the friends I have, I really need them, but I can’t afford to lose him either. I couldn’t stand it if he stopped loving me, but he has to stop so I can stop hurting him. I’m such a self-centered bitch, but I can’t stop it!” With that Buffy began to sob in earnest.

~*~
And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe
~*~

Tara pulled to sobbing slayer into her arms and held her as her body shook with sorrow. Whispering softly, Tara simply reminded Buffy to breath.

Thanks so much to Slaymesoftly!

Title: 2 AM
Author: Goddess Hecate
Song: 2 AM
Artist: Anna Nalick
Beta: Immortal Beloved

I don’t own anything, that shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone.


~*~

May, he turned 21 on the base of fort bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain’t been sober since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But my god it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him, but maybe I’ll just sing about it.
‘Cuz you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button boy
So cradle your head in your hands

~*~

“I’m gonna go ahead and assume she told you about us, yeah, luv?” Tara had been shocked to see the bleached vampire knocking at the door to her dorm room.

“Was it the lack of shock at your compromising position or the comment about icing cramps that gave me away?” Tara responded, opening her door to allow the vampire to step into her room. Spike smiled softly at her, his blue eyes twinkling in the dim hall lights.

“Look, I’ll be straight. I need to ask a Scoobie’s help for something, and seein’ as you’re all in the know, I figured you were my best bet.” Tara nodded. Spike looked at her expectantly. “It’s kinda private, so if you could invite me in…”

“Oh! Of—of course. I’m sorry, Spike. I’m used to you coming and going as you please. Come in, please. Sit down.” Tara gestured to her bed. Spike sat, his bleached hair and black outfit contrasting awkwardly with the earth tones of the bedspread.

“Thanks, luv. I know it’s late, but my little sun allergy makes it harder to come in the day,” Spike stated by way of apology. Tara glanced at the clock on her nightstand. It read “2:00” in bold numbers. Tara couldn’t help but notice the irony. Spike took out a flask from a pocket in his duster and took a long swig. He held the flask out in offer, and Tara gently refused. “Find myself drinking a hell of a lot more since this little thing started with Buffy and me.” Tara nodded understandingly, watching the love swirl with terror in his aura. Spike stared off into space for a moment.

“What’s on your mind, Spike?”

“I just—I just need to know…” Spike looked at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and seemed to be collecting his thoughts. “You love Red. I can see it in every look you two share.” Tara waited, not sure where this was going. “You let her go. You thought that would be better for her. You knew it would make her cry, but you did it anyway, yeah?” Tara nodded sadly. “I just need to know. I’m used to following my blood, which with the Slayer around doesn’t tend to flow toward my brain. Not to the more selfless parts of my body, yeah?” Spike gave her a pointed look, and Tara nodded, blushing softly. “I need to know if… Should I let her go? I know she’ll cry, and I don’t want the Slayer crying, but I know I’m killing her now, too. I know she hates hurting me.” Spike paused and looked into the distance, his brow furrowed. “Actually, she really, really enjoys hurting me, but not emotionally. I want to make it all about bodies and hormones and blood flow, but I’ll be damned—again—if I don’t feel blood flowing to my heart when I see her smile. I just—I wanna make her happy. I know I can for now, but…” Spike looked up at the ceiling again, his ocean eyes sparkling with unshed tears. He swallowed hard. “I need to know that her life is better with me than it would be without me.” The room was silent for a moment as Tara considered his question.

“Why don’t you ask Buffy?” Tara asked softly. Spike smiled.

“Buffy doesn’t know what she wants. One moment I’m a monster, the next she wants me.” Spike snorted gently. “Needs a little monster in her man,” he laughed as though making a joke. Tara couldn’t help but to notice that he was a beautiful man. “The point is, Glinda, that she will tell me one thing and then do another. I tried listening to her words, but they change, too. She doesn’t want any of the Scoobies to know, but then she goes and tells you. Would have thought she’d tell Red if she was gonna tell anyone. No offence.” Tara smiled.

“I—I don’t think she meant to tell me; it just sort of spilled out. She was… embarrassed about the kinds of things that you were doing together.” Spike smiled devilishly. Tara glared at him, and he had the grace to look down, embarrassed. Tara sighed softly. “The question is, why are you doing this? I think I know, but you need to be sure that you do.” Spike looked serious.

“I do this because I love her, because I can make her feel good for a little while, and I think that doing that helps her to survive. Everyone else depends on her; she has no one else that she can depend on. I want to be the one that she can depend on, the one that she can count on. I know that she wants it to be just sex, that she doesn’t want to depend on anyone, but she needs to know that she can.” Spike looked down, truly embarrassed. Bloody William was rearing his poncy little head. “And because I’m taking advantage of a helpless girl,. ‘s what I do, being evil and all.” Tara nodded, smiling gently.

“You do help her. I won’t lie to you, Spike. It hurts her to hurt you the way she does, but you’re right. She needs to have someone she can depend on. She’s just afraid that, if she depends on you, she’ll lose her other friends.” Spike gave an incredulous snort.

“If they’re her friends, the witch, the whelp and the watcher will let her be happy.” Tara smiled in agreement.

“I think they will, but she is terrified that they won’t. They are her family. I think that they want her happy, but they want her happy in their way. If they ever found out, eventually they would come around, but, in the mean time, Buffy’s life would be hell. She can’t deal with more hell than she’s already going through.”

“So I’m guessing it’s not really fair for me to be pressuring her to tell you lot then, eh?” Spike said, a grim expression darkening his features.

“It’s completely fair to you, but it’s not fair to her. Your interests won’t always be aligned. It’s the fact that, for the most part, your interests revolve around making each other happy. That makes it love.” Tara grasped Spike’s hand gently.

“That’s how I can tell she really doesn’t love me, innit?” Spike asked with a wry smile. Tara sighed, leaning against the wall as she considered Spike’s question.

“She’s so … so broken, Spike. I really think she’s doing the best she can to keep it together and keep you around and keep everyone safe and keep herself safe. There’s something broken inside her. It didn’t break with her death, or her mother’s. She was broken long before Riley left. Whatever happened, it happened before I met her--“

“Bloody Poof.” Spike’s growl cut through the gentle witch’s words. “I saw him break her. With Dru, he was content to break her sanity, but the git knew Buffy was too strong for that. Instead, he broke her heart. Even when I came back that one time, I could see it. She acted like things were fine, like they were friends, but I could see it in the way they moved, the way they fought. She didn’t trust him. Bloody bint hasn’t trusted anyone since.”

By now Tara had figured out that Spike was referring to the infamous Angel. She had heard horror stories about Angelus’ reign of terror over the young Slayer. How he had humiliated her, rejected her love for him at every opportunity.


“Then you have to teach her how to trust.” Spike found the resolve in Tara’s voice striking.

“What if I can’t?”

“What if you can’t? Can you still stand to be around her even if she can never love you?”

Spike paused. “I have to be around her no matter what. Without her, I don’t exist. She is everything.”

“Then, with time, you can teach her.”

And just like that, for the first time ever, someone had told Spike that he had a chance. Emotion overwhelmed him, and before he knew what he was doing, Spike laid his head in Tara’s lap and tried desperately to choke back his sobs.

~*~

And breathe, just breathe
Oh breathe, just breathe

~*~

“It’s ok, Spike. Just let it all out, Sweetie. Just take deep breaths. Just breath.”

Title: 2 AM
Author: Goddess_Hecate
Beta: Immortal Beloved
Song: Breath (2AM)
Artist: Anna Nalick

BtVS and all associated characters are property of their respective owners blah, blah. No copyright infringement is intended blah, blah. Does anyone actually read these? Oh , alright, alright I don’t own the bloody song either.

So I made you all wait long enough to think maybe I wasn’t gonna update, but what can I say? I’m a sucker for happier endings than that. Not that you’ll be able to tell from this little chappie. Enjoy and Review!

~*~
‘There’s a light at the end of this tunnel’ you shout
‘Cuz you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
~*~

Buffy felt numb. She had just left the only person capable of making her feel at a time like this. If someone asked her now what half-baked excuse that she had given to Spike as to why they couldn’t go on like this, she wouldn’t be able to tell them. The same excuses had probably bubbled to the surface. She was sure that she had recited them like multiplication tables. Spike x Buffy = wrong. Buffy + love = Sadness. The derivative of Buffy using Spike = Buffy’s death. At least she thought that that was how derivatives worked. One semester of calculus had been neither useful, nor sticky. Buffy shook her head. It was a lovely distraction, but totally not the point. It wasn’t that the excuses that she used were untrue. It was more that they danced around the point, the point that had made it crucial that she end this thing with Spike that night.

It wasn’t that she was worried that she had gone to Spike for comfort after listening to the incessant, but well-meaning, blathering of Riley’s wife. Although she was loathe to admit it to anyone―even herself―something within her liked the almost boyish excitement that crossed his eyes when she entered his crypt. Something in her enjoyed the look of awe that would cross his features when she rode him. Something in her reveled in the feeling of his love. It was a strangely warm feeling that she kept wrapped around her on the coldest of nights when she woke once more to the musty air and cramped space of her coffin. Remembering Spike as the one who bandaged her hands that night, the one who would have stayed and fought rather than running, the one who would have gone to the effort to dig her out had he only known, was comforting. Even giving her semi-permanent residence in the land of Denial, Buffy could admit that she found comfort and warmth in Spike’s love.

That had not been the issue. The issue had been when, on that night after letting him drape his warm cloak of love around her shoulders, Buffy’s heart had answered with its own warm spark. The feeling was terrifying beyond all recognition. The initial feeling had been terrifying enough. It was emotion. Emotion that ran deeper than the anger and obligation she had felt toward her friends and sister. Emotion that reached far wider than the lust that she had felt for Spike. The emotion was far too scary and troublesome to consider, and it didn’t even take into account the recipient of that particular emotion. Buffy still wasn’t exactly sure that it was, but she knew what she prayed it was not. She simply couldn’t love Spike. It just wasn’t possible to love him while she still found it difficult to remember to love her friends, her watcher, and her sister. Buffy thought it best not to consider what the emotion was in Spike’s presence. She was too afraid to sort it out on her own. No, her aimless wandering had brought her to Tara’s dorm.

Buffy considered chickening out. Maybe she was over reacting. Maybe it was just heartburn. Maybe it was just physical. But something in her told Buffy that this was so much more. This was dark, dangerous, scary, horrifying. And with complete and utter certainty Buffy knew that she had lied to Spike that night. Every word, every excuse that she had thrown in his face was a lie. Buffy couldn’t face it alone. She pounded on the door in front of her.

~*~
And these mistakes you make, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around
~*~

“Tell me you love me.”

Spike did not have to think about how to answer that. Even if he had ever been able to deny her requests he felt his love for the Slayer coursing through every fiber of his being. “I love you. You know I do.”

“Tell me you want me.”

Spike could tell that this was going to end badly for him. Never before had Buffy wanted to hear about his feelings. Despite the hope that he felt surging through him, Spike had played this game with Buffy too often to be naïve enough to think that he had finally reached her. Still, Spike found himself incapable of lying or shutting up. “I always want you. In point of fact—“

“Shut up.” As usual Spike did not have to stop himself. She had stopped him. Before Spike had time to think, Buffy’s lips were on his.

Had there been any blood left in his brain to think with, Spike might have noticed that there was no hitting. Had there been any blood left in his brain to think with, Spike might have noticed that Buffy made no attempt to push him to go harder. Had there been any blood left in his brain, Spike might have noticed that for the first time ever in their stormy affair, Spike was allowed to make love to Buffy the way that he wanted. Had there been any blood left, Spike might have noticed that somehow this time felt like a first time and a last time all at once. Spike might have noticed that this was goodbye. But Spike spend very little time thinking during that hour; and by the time his crypt was in shambles and Buffy had stormed out of his crypt, commando in tow and righteous indignation all a flutter, Spike had too much on his mind to remember how unusual their sex had been that night. Which was why it was such a shock to him when Buffy had announced that this was the end. It seemed especially cruel given his confession to Tara just nights before. Had it really only been two nights ago that he had come to ask her for advice? Had it really been only two nights ago that she had told him that he had a chance?

If he thought about it, really thought about it, Spike realized that he had known from the moment Buffy spoke that night that this goodbye would be more significant than the rest. He had known even before her lips touched his that this was nothing more than one last time. He had known what to expect, but, in a cruel way, that made it all the more shocking when the time actually came for her to say goodbye. Knowing what was coming should have made it easier to bear, less painful, but it hadn’t. That reality struck Spike as especially cruel.

What to do now? Spike’s initial inclination was to sit on the roof of his crypt and wait for sunrise. He had put up with just about enough of heart ache, and it was high time to put a stop to it all. He was, of course, being melodramatic. He had no intention of leaving this world as tempting as oblivion might sound. Besides, that would do nothing more than prove her right about men. No, Spike knew that leaving was not the answer. Hadn’t he just sorted this out with Tara? It was hard for Spike not to snort when he remembered Tara’s words.

“You have to teach her how to trust… Can you still stand to be around her even if she can never love you... Then, with time, you can teach her.”

Spike had been willing to stay with Buffy no matter what, but it had never occurred to him that she would leave. How was he supposed to teach her how to trust when she wasn’t around? How was he supposed to teach her about love when she had broken off his only opportunity to show her that he loved her?

Spike wasn’t sure how long he had sat on the tomb smoking and thinking. It could have been hours or minutes for all the consciousness he had of it. At length, he hopped off and took a long swig of whisky. Nothing like a little liquid courage to get you through the long, cold night. Spike wasn’t sure where he planned on going when he left, but, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that ultimately he would reach Tara’s dorm. He needed answers, and she was just the person to conjure some up.

Title: 2 AM
Author: Goddess Hecate
Song: Breathe (2 AM)
Artist: Anna Nalick

A/N: Everyone knows I own nothing. Sorry it took me forever and a day to update. Stupid job. Thanks so much to Immortal Beloved, who made this story into something readable. Thanks for sticking with me. Enjoy!


Tara couldn’t sleep. The air had a feeling of foreboding about it, and something refused to let her find rest. She wondered if the rest of the Scoobies were ok. To worry about Willow crossed her mind more than once; but, somehow, Tara felt she would have known with more certainty if something were wrong with her former lover. No, Tara suspected that this had more to do with a certain blond couple. With a sigh, she turned over in her bed and waited for the magic hour to roll around.

~*~
2 AM and I’m still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper its no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd
Cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to
~*~

Awakened by a hammering at her door, the first thing that Tara noticed when she opened her eyes was the red glow of the numbers on her alarm clock: 1:45 a.m. The pounding on her door resumed. It was a little early, but Tara knew instantly that it was one of two people visiting her. Tara slipped out of bed and pulled on her robe before opening the door in time to receive an armful of sobbing Slayer.

“Buffy, what’s wrong?”

“I told him,” Buffy sobbed. “I lied to him, but I finally told him that it had to stop.” Tara guided the slayer to her bed, not bothering to close the door behind her.

“You said you lied to him?” Tara asked after several minutes of gently calming the slayer. Buffy nodded weakly.

“I told him I don’t. I looked him in the eye and told him… I lied to him Tara. I told him that I don’t love him.” Tara gently guided Buffy’s face so that she could look into her puffy red eyes. Buffy nodded. “I finally figured it out, Tara. Riley showed up tonight, and I figured it out. I know exactly what’s wrong with me. I’m in love with him. It’s wrong, and it can only end badly, but he’s there for me no matter what.” Buffy paused, deep in thought. “You could call him dependable, but he’s not. Riley was dependable; he’s always there. There’s a difference, you know. With someone dependable you can plot out how they’re gonna respond, but I never know how he’s gonna respond to anything I say or do, except that I always know that he’s gonna love me. He loves me, and I love him. And I didn’t think life could get any more complicated, but—“

“Buffy, who loves you? Who do you love?” Tara’s gentle questions cut through Buffy’s rant, although Tara suspected that she already knew the answers.

Buffy paused, gathering her courage. “I’m completely head-over-heels, madly in love with Spike.”

~*~
‘Cuz you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass glued to the table
~*~

Spike was angry to hear students crying in the dorm. What right did they have to be sad? It was his time to cry, his time to mourn. He had so much to grieve, too. He had lost not just a lover, but the woman who made him who he was. In the same way Drusilla had made him into a monster, Buffy Summers made him into a man. And not just any man--a good man. What right did anyone else have to mourn when he had lost so much? The sobbing continued, and Spike felt the overwhelming urge to scream, yell, to do anything to make the crying stop. The heartbreaking sound was too close to the one that he felt his heart make every time he lost her. The sound his heart was making now at the knowledge that he had lost his Buffy, his Slayer, his sunshine, permanently. Spike followed the sound, not paying attention to where it was leading him. The sobbing was now quieting, replaced by hushed murmuring. The anger faded, replaced by a morbid curiosity. Spike stood just to the left of the door, listening.

“You said you lied to him?” With a start, Spike realized that it was Tara’s voice he heard. He looked around and realized that he was standing outside her door. Spike smirked. Sounded like Glinda was expanding the business.

“I told him I don’t. I looked him in the eye and told him… I lied to him Tara. I told him that I don’t love him.” That was Buffy’s voice. Spike tensed, waiting to hear about how her time with Captain America had gone. There was a pause before she began again. “I finally figured it out, Tara. I know exactly what’s wrong with me. I’m in love with him.” Spike couldn’t stop himself from coming into the door way. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, Spike planned to beg her forgiveness for embarrassing her in front of her former boyfriend for whom she apparently still harbored feelings. He paused and took deep breaths to calm himself and was stopped dead in his tracks by her next words: “I’m completely head-over-heels, madly in love with Spike.”

At some point Tara had sensed a familiar presence approaching, but she was too engrossed in Buffy’s tearful confession to pay much attention. It wasn’t until a figure moved into her doorway that she looked up, and Spike’s presence registered. By the time it occurred to Tara to inform Buffy of their audience, it was too late.

Buffy looked up at Tara at that moment and realized that the witch wasn’t looking at her. Tara’s attention was focused directly behind her. Buffy followed the direction of Tara’s panicked stare. Her gaze met deep blue eyes.

“Oh, God.”

~*~
No one can find the rewind button now
~*~

Tara excused herself quietly before leaving her dorm room. She paced up and down the hall and sighed. She couldn’t help wondering why tonight, of all nights, had made Buffy finally realize her feelings. Tara suspected that it had a great deal to do with her ex-boyfriend’s reappearance. Tara knew without a doubt that Buffy had never felt much more than loyal affection for Riley. Perhaps Riley’s reappearance in Buffy’s life had forced her to juxtapose the two men. Shrugging, Tara glanced at the clock hanging on the opposite wall, watching as the hour hand came to point at the bold-faced two. It was now or never.

~*~
So sing it if you understand
~*~

”I … I really…” Buffy paused. She didn’t know what to say, what to think. Her mind seemed to shut off at the sight of the blond man standing before her. She wished Tara hadn’t left; Tara always seemed to know what to do or say to calm someone’s nerves. And calmed nerves were exactly what Buffy needed right then. Calmed nerves would allow her to think. How could she confess her love to Spike? After all that she had put him through, he would have no reason to believe her. What would be the point? But, then, how could she not tell him? With this knowledge newly conscious in her mind, she felt as though her body would burst if she didn’t tell someone. She wanted nothing more than to sing out her love, scream it out at the top of her lungs. So, why wasn’t she? Buffy shook herself mentally and took a deep breath to calm herself. It was now or nev—

“It’s alright luv. I understand. People say those words all the time without meaning them. I’d just rather not hear you take them back. Let’s just pretend you never said anything, yeah? No harm, no foul.”

~*~
And breathe
~*~

“I… I really…” Spike watched as Buffy’s mouth seemed to open and shut of its own accord. Emotions flickered through her usually cold green eyes. Confusion. What did she have to be confused about? How he had entered without her knowledge? Odd. Being a slayer, she should have sensed him. Fear. What was she afraid of? He had done everything he could in the past few years to show her that she had nothing to fear from him. Determination. Spike imagined the lines running through her head, her determination to let him know, once again, that she could never be with him, even if he could make her happy. Certainty. Spike knew the time had come. She was going to take back those glorious words. He couldn’t bear the thought. He needed to give her an out. Anything to keep from having to hear her take back what she had said.

“It’s alright, luv. I understand. People say those words all the time without meaning them. I’d just rather not hear you take them back. Let’s just pretend you never said anything, yeah? No harm, no foul.”

~*~
Just breathe
~*~

Buffy stared at Spike for a moment. How could she convince him that she meant it, that she could feel her love for him coursing through every fiber of her being?

“No, Spike, that’s not what I was going to say. I don’t know how I could possibly say it.” Here it was–the moment of truth. Was Buffy Slayer or mouse? “I love you with everything that I am. I don’t want to because, the way I see it, love only ends badly; but, I’m in love. I don’t have a choice in the matter. I don’t know what you did to me; but, God help me, I want you to do it again. ‘Cuz this feeling inside of me, this warm glow-y goodness, I don’t ever wanna stop feeling it.” By now, the tears had returned. Buffy wasn’t sure whether they were the result of joy, fear, relief, or a combination, but she couldn’t pause to try and stop them. “It’s like… this feeling inside of me, it makes me feel warm and safe. I don’t have to be the strong one. I get to rely on you, and that’s wonderful. It’s like heaven. Being in love with you is like heaven. So no, I don’t think I will pretend I never said it because I kind of like saying it. I, Buffy Anne Summers, am madly in love with William the Bloody.” There, it was out. That wasn’t so scary. Buffy chanced a look into Spike’s azure eyes. The look of amazement and pure adoration that stared back at her was breathtaking. Buffy remembered seeing it once before when she had walked down the stairs on the 148th night. She had hidden from it ever since.

~*~
Oh breathe
~*~

“I, Buffy Anne Summers, am madly in love with William the Bloody.”

Well, that was bloody well unexpected. For the longest time, all Spike could do was stare at Buffy. He watched her closely as she spoke, looking for any trace of insincerity or mocking. Never once did he see any hint of mocking. Spike felt his face take on the look of adoration that had so often earned him harsh blows or cruel words. Now, Buffy looked into his eyes and smiled shyly before glancing away, embarrassed. Spike bent down beside her and took her chin in his hand, guiding her face so that she looked into his eyes.

“Well, alright then, luv.” Spike had meant to say something very clever about how he had been right all along, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything to wipe that shy smile off her face. Buffy’s smile grew at his words, and she laughed. Her laughter lacked the harsh bitterness that had marked her actions for the past few months. This was a laugh of joy and relief. Spike found himself laughing, too, and soon they had collapsed into each other’s arms, laughing until their stomachs hurt.

“I love you, Buffy.” Spike said after a comfortable silence. Buffy looked up at him and smiled again.

“I love you, too, Spike.”

~*~
Just breath
~*~

Tara sighed. It had been half an hour. If they hadn’t started to resolve their issues by now, it just wasn’t going to happen. Gently, she opened the door and smiled at the sight of a sleeping vampire sitting on her floor, back propped against the edge of her bed, holding a sleeping Slayer in his arms. Cute. Not that it wouldn’t have been nice of them to let her know that she could have her room back, but she couldn’t manage real irritation. With a shrug, she threw an extra blanket over the sleeping couple and drew the curtains over her window before she crawled into bed. It wouldn’t hurt them to sleep there for the night. Tara was glad that they had resolved their differences. It gave her hope. If Sunnydale’s own Romeo and Juliet could find a happy ending, maybe it wasn’t a bad idea for her to give Willow a second chance.

The end.