A/N: Wow! I got a bunch of awards at the SunnyD Awards, Round 15! I won for Best New Author, Best AU, Best Spuffy Angst, Best Drama, and Best Unfinished. Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me!!

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Chapter 68 - Vows

Monday afternoon Spike had arrived at her house almost immediately after she got in from class. Buffy insisted that they begin sparring again, and they had started in on some light routines on the mats in the basement.

They worked their way up to more intense fighting, Buffy beginning to take the offensive to prove that she really was fine. Spike started responding more aggressively, and she had still been doing fairly well until a misstep gave him the opportunity to throw her to the floor.

Now she was flat on her back on the mat, with an amused looking Spike sitting on top of her. She started to struggle, and he shifted his position, moving down to sit on her thighs as his arms caught hers.

Buffy thrashed beneath him as he successfully pinned her wrists over her head. “Okay, I can’t get up,” she said, frustrated.

“Doesn’t look like,” he agreed.

Buffy twisted again. “So I’d be screwed.”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Spike was holding her firmly down, his hands locking around her wrists and his thighs trapping hers.

She tried once again to get leverage with her leg to kick him off, but he pressed his weight down further. With an exasperated sigh, she stopped trying and went limp.

“So now what?” she asked.

He grinned. “This is the part where the evil vampire would suck you dry.”

“Yeah, well, if the evil vampire tries that, the evil vampire is going to get headbutted.”

Spike tilted his head. “Stalemate, then.”

He didn’t seem inclined to move.

“So are you gonna get off?”

“Dunno. I’m pretty comfortable.”

“Well, I’m pretty bored. So unless the evil vampire is going to do something else—”

She cut herself off as she suddenly felt something hard pressing into her leg. She looked at Spike. He still had that cocky look on his face, but now there was a hunger behind it.

Buffy froze, trying to decide if this was wanted or unwanted.

Spike’s tongue darted between his lips. “Y’know, love, we could do this every time. The winner gets to have sex with the loser.”

“Gee, and you always win.”

He smirked. “I’m willin’ to lose.”

Buffy couldn’t help but smile at that.

“We can’t,” she said more seriously.

She realized that Spike no longer had her pinned. His hands were gone, now flat against the mat by her head. His hips only lightly pushed into her, hovering over the spot between her legs. She could have easily wiggled out from under him.

She didn’t move.

Unexpected, but not unwanted, she decided.

Buffy was also wondering at his sudden change. They had fought plenty of times, been all over each other physically, and he had never started looking at her like he was looking at her right now. Desperate. Longing.

The cockiness was gone; there was nothing but a worshipful sort of desire.

“We can’t,” she repeated, not sounding convincing even to herself. “Mom…”

“Won’t be here till later.”

“I…”

“God, I want you so much.” Spike touched her face lightly, like she might break if he did it harder. “I’ll make it good for you.”

There was a very good reason why they really shouldn’t, but Buffy couldn’t seem to think of it at the moment.

She remembered what it felt like to have him buried between her legs, touching her deep inside. What it felt like to have him pumping in and out of her, sometimes withdrawing inch by inch before slowly gliding back in, other times moving so fast she thought she would combust.

Buffy swallowed.

Spike pressed against her harder, slowly rubbing himself over her.

If they were naked, his hipbones would cut into her thighs the moment she wrapped her legs around him.

She remembered what that felt like, his skin slapping against her outside as he stretched and filled her inside.

Buffy felt her body moving, opening her legs and making space for him between them. Spike shifted positions, changing from straddling her to settling against her.

“Please, pet, let me be in you,” he breathed.

He said it like she didn’t desperately want him as well, like he didn’t have the perfect body, like she would be granting him some favor by doing it. He asked, and suddenly she could only think of one answer.

Spike was pressing against her open center. “Please, Buffy, just tonight. I’ll make it so good, pet.”

There was no reason they couldn’t be with each other again, one more t— “It’s always good with you,” she said.

Buffy wrapped her legs around him, confirming her answer. She pulled his head down, kissing him as his body closed around hers. Spike frantically kissed her as he thrust against her through his jeans, her thin exercise pants letting her easily feel him.

Then he was leaning back, kneeling as he quickly fumbled with his belt buckle and pushed his jeans to his knees. He hooked his thumbs under her waistband, slipping her panties and yoga pants down to her ankles and folding her legs open.

Spike tested her with a finger and moved into position between her legs. Then he was hovering over her again, kissing her forehead as he laced his fingers through hers. His erection was already nudging at her entrance, slowly opening her as he shifted his hips forward.

His eyes met hers, and he pushed in. Buffy clasped at his hands, feeling the sudden surge that shot through her as he gradually entered.

Another moment and he glanced down, watching himself disappear into her. Buffy closed her eyes in completion as she felt the final push, felt his skin firmly nestled against her inner thighs.

“Never thought I’d feel you again,” he said. “Never thought…”

Buffy stared back at him. Spike was looking at her with the look. That amazed, breathless look, like he couldn’t quite believe she was real.

He wiggled his hips, settling fully inside.

His body covered hers completely, his chest pressing against hers, his face inches from hers. He rested his weight on his elbows, while their hands were entwined.

Spike began a rhythm with slow, long strokes, pulling himself almost all the way out before thrusting back in. He rested his forehead against hers, and after a moment Buffy tilted her head to bring their lips together.

She gasped for breath in between their kisses, and Spike started to move faster as she rocked her hips and encouraged him on.

Buffy kicked one foot free of her pants, and wrapped both her legs around his waist, moving in time with him. His pace continued to increase, and her gasps mingled with his groans as she squeezed him and pushed him deeper.

She moaned as he hit a spot deep inside her, writhing on the mat beneath him. She grasped at him, gazing up to the ceiling as he pounded in again and again. A part of her couldn’t believe how fast it had all happened.

Of course she’d had impromptu sex before, but she’d always managed to get undressed and make it to a bed. Skin on skin, lying down, lights out if possible.

It was nothing like this—she and Spike removing only the necessary clothing, fucking half dressed in the dirty basement under the naked light bulbs. Spike desperately taking her as he screwed her to the mat.

His lips slid down her face and he rested his head on her shoulder as he gnawed at her neck. He continued to urgently plunge into her, but he never changed his position, never leaned back to get a better angle. As if he wanted to be as close as possible to her in every way.

Buffy was wrapped around him completely, one arm now clawing at his waist, the other hooked around his shoulder. She gripped him with her legs, feeling his muscle ripple against her as he moved. One foot was still half tangled in her pants; her other heel pressed into the crack of his ass.

Spike was still at her throat, and she knew what he wanted to do. Knew how much he wanted to sink his teeth into her, to taste her blood while he was buried inside her.

“You can,” she gasped.

He made a strangled noise. She could feel him shake his head.

“I’m fine.” Buffy threw her head back, fully exposing her neck. She brought her hand up to the back of his head, pressing him into her throat. “I know you want it,” she said, nearly breathless. “Do it.”

And then he did. So fast that she didn’t even feel him change, he shifted into game face and plunged his fangs into her. It was sharp and deep and it jarred her because he’d never stopped moving. But just as quickly it was gone, and he was only sucking at the punctures with his lips. His mouth was open full against her, locked around her throat as he pulled down her blood.

Spike groaned against her as he came, spilling into her.

But he never stopped moving. He was almost hard again, the combination of having her blood and already being inside of her keeping him nearly erect. His strokes slowed, however, to deep, lazy thrusts, and he was bumping against her at just the right spot.

She whimpered as she hovered on the edge, and suddenly his hand snaked down between them, rubbing her where they joined and sending her over. She screamed as she came, the high-pitched cry echoing off the cement walls.

Spike was still moving inside her, and she felt his face shift to human features against her skin as he let go of her neck. He pulled back to look at her as he thrust faster, his face twisted in pleasure. She felt him starting to come again.

Suddenly his gaze met hers. “I love you,” he gasped. Then his eyes screwed shut as he pushed himself in as deep as he could go and moved his hips against her. His whole body shook before he crumpled on top of her and went still.

He was heavy, but not too heavy, and for a moment they were frozen, both too spent to move.

She couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t heard the words that time. Buffy knew that orgasmic declarations of love were not always reliable. But there was nothing but truth in his eyes. And she’d already heard him say it before.

Spike suddenly moved, pushing himself up, and Buffy untangled herself from him. He stood, pulling up his jeans and tucking himself in. He started fastening the belt. Buffy twisted her own pants around, threading her legs back through and lifting her butt up as she pulled them on.

For one horrible second, she was afraid that they were going to pretend that the whole thing never happened.

But then Spike sank back down beside her. She was still flat on her back, and he lay on his stomach, draping an arm across her and turning his head so they were face to face. He looked at her a moment.

“I do,” he said quietly. “I love you, Buffy.”

Buffy opened her mouth, but only a breathy sound escaped.

“You don’t have to say anything back. But I want you to know. I love you and I’d do anything for you.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” she heard the words automatically fall out of her mouth.

God, she hated to ruin the moment. She really did. But he couldn’t just say that and not know where her mind was going to go. Buffy swallowed, fighting the tears that were suddenly there. “Oh God, we shouldn’t have done this,” she choked, turning her head away.

“Pet? Buffy, are you—? Oh, please don’t cry, pet. What’d I do? Buffy?”

She tried to turn onto her side, but a suddenly firm arm around her middle wouldn’t let her. She felt Spike shift his position as he leaned over, trying to see her face.

“We shouldn’t have done this,” she said. “It’s just going to make it harder.”

“What harder, love?”

Buffy sniffled and mumbled.

“What?”

“When I have to leave you,” she whispered.

“I can’t lose you, Buffy,” he said after a moment.

“You’re going to.”

“I would,” he repeated meaningfully, “do anything for you.”

Buffy was frozen as his words sank in. Then her heart leapt in her chest. “Would you?”

“Yeah. I thought about it.”

“You thought about it,” she echoed. Slowly she turned to look up at him.

“Had to. But if it’s the only way to keep you, then yeah.”

Not killing was something he had to consider, contemplate. “If you loved me, you’d just stop,” she blurted.

“If you loved me, you’d let me.”

“In what twisted way does that make sense?”

“Doin’ what’s right for the other person, sacrifice and all that.”

“This isn’t me giving up my career to support your cross-country move. This is about condoning murder.”

“To you.”

“It’s wrong.”

“To you.”

“You know I couldn’t live with that. It hurts me. Every time you’d do it, you’d hurt me inside so much.”

He sighed. “I’m just tryin’ to make a point.”

“God, why can’t we have sex without fighting afterward? It’s like make-up sex, but in reverse.” She sniffled and looked away again. “What point?”

“You want me to stop being everything that I am. Just like that. Just cause you say so. Just cause it doesn’t fit with your way.” Spike shifted, trying to see her. “You don’t understand that, pet.”

“I understand why it’s hard for you to stop.”

“No, you don’t. You can’t. It’s not just a change of diet, it’s everything. It’s what I am. It’s not wrong to me. It just is.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me, kill me,” she said, turning back to him.

“Of course not.”

“But everyone out there is someone’s Buffy!”

He shook his head. “You’re the only Buffy.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“It’s supposed to make you realize what I’d do for you. I’d only do it for you, Buffy. I don’t care about them. I never will. But I love you.” He said it again. “I love you.”

“And you will?” she asked, struggling to keep her voice even. She couldn’t bear to get her hopes up again, only to have them dashed to pieces. “You really will?”

“I will.”

“You won’t kill anyone again?”

“I won’t.”

Buffy swallowed. “For me.”

“Only for you. Always for you.”

A choked sob escaped her throat, and the tears that had been threatening to spill suddenly ran down her face.

Spike looked like he was at a loss.

“Buffy? Love…” His hand hovered uncertainly over her cheek, like he was afraid to touch her.

“I’m happy,” she assured him, her voice thick. “I am. I’m so happy. You don’t know what it means—” Buffy broke off.

“I think I figured it out.” He ran his hand down her wet cheek, his finger pausing over her lips.

“That you would do that—it means so much. I want to say thank you, but it sounds wrong. It’s more than thank you, it’s everything.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“But I want you to know. Even if I can’t understand why it was so hard, I want you to know it means everything to me. It’s the only I thing I—I never thought we could—”

“I know.” Spike wiped his hand over one side of her face. “C’mon, love, no more tears.”

She nodded. “No more tears.” Buffy rubbed her face with the edge of her shirt. “I just want to be with you.”

“We will be now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” she whispered.

Spike pulled her into his arms, tucking her head under his chin. His body seemed to wrap around hers as he slowly rocked them back and forth.

Buffy sighed, burying her face against his chest. She felt physically and emotionally drained, and even her absolute contentment couldn’t keep her from drifting off. Spike was murmuring nothings in her ear, and she let his soothing voice carry her into sleep.

For the first time in a long time, things felt complete.