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West of the Moon, East of the Sun by KnifeEdge
 
Chapter 4: Out Of My Mind
 
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Author's Notes: Another semi-canon intense chapter, but slightly more introspective than the last. This is one of my favorite episodes.

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all recognizable characters, locations, and dialogue belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the various writers. Show writers and any other quoted authors have been credited in individual chapters. I'm making no money from this—it is purely in the name of fun.

Credits: This chapter contains dialogue adapted from the episode "Out of My Mind" written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner.

Betaed by Phuriedae

Banner art by Phuriedae









Chapter 4

Out of My Mind



Sometimes I feel like Xander is the most grown up of any of us (Giles aside, 'cause he's actually a real grown up, obviously). I mean, Willow and I are still in college, but Xander went off and got a job—well, multiple jobs, but now he has a steady one that he likes and is good at. And now he's got an apartment while the rest of us live in dorms. It's a subtle sort of reminder that we're not in high school anymore.

Grown up Xander is pretty cool.

Still not quite sure what to make of Anya. Or Tara. I want to like them. I really do. But Anya tends to rub her ex-demon days in our faces more often than we're all really comfortable with. We all know she used to be a demon, but do we really need the graphic reminders of all the different things you can do to torture a man's private parts?

And Tara... she's so quiet it's hard to know exactly what's going on with her, but at least she doesn't talk about orgasms all the time.

Thank god my boyfriend is normal and everyone likes him.

Although, Riley seems a little distant lately, though that might just be because training is taking up so much of my time. And he's been really enthusiastic when it comes to the whole demon fighting thing. He's been handling himself well, though, so we've been splitting up patrols. I don't really like it, and I worry about him getting hurt, but he seems happier than he has been. Whenever I'm ready to patrol he's usually already waiting impatiently by the door with a few stakes in his pockets, ready to rock. And by the time we get back he's still pumped and ready to go, too.

I used to worry about my stamina, but Riley seems more than capable of keeping up... I mean, keeping up with me... er... keeping pace? Obviously there's not a problem with the whole up thing.

And watch me change the subject before I start sounding like Anya.

***


Okay, what I said about Riley and his enthusiasm? So getting on my nerves right now.

I'm clearly capable of handling one measly vamp by myself, but here he comes, charging in to the rescue. Not only that, but he flips the vampire up against a crypt as if it were nothing, then stakes it. No quips, no battle, no... nothing. I know he thinks he's doing me a favor but... that was my vamp and now I'm all... twitchy. My Slayer instincts have been ready for a fight all night and now...

Grr.

He claims that he thought I was in the north sector. I'm not even sure where the "north sector" is supposed to be!

Of course then Spike barrels in after another vamp and the night really goes to hell.

Hello, I'm the Slayer. One girl in all the world, remember? I so do not need my over-compensating-for-something boyfriend and a neutered, wanna-be-big-bad vampire doing my job!

When the dust clears I turn to confront Spike. He's dabbing at his bloody nose. He's lucky he didn't get himself accidentally staked. "Better keep out of my way, Spike. I'm not gonna take this much longer," I say. I can't threaten Riley, but Captain Peroxide is fair game. Riley comes up beside me.

Spike sneers. "And I should do what in my spare time? Sit at home knitting cunning sweater sets?"

Now there's a mental image. "Would it keep you out of my way?" He just smirks and licks the blood off his fingers.

Ew.

"She's right," Riley says. "You shouldn't be out here when she's patrolling."

Suddenly I'm not sure which of them I want to stake. Seriously? He jumps into my fight, and now he thinks he needs to threaten Spike for me? I could make a career out of threatening Spike!

Men! Ugh!

As always, Spike manages to see straight through me. "Oh! I saw that. Looks like neither boy's entirely welcome. You should take him home, Slayer," he snarks. "Make him stay there. I've got knitting needles he can borrow."

"Spike ... I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home." I turn on my heel and leave, Riley trailing behind.

Behind us, Spike yells, "It's blood! It's what I do!"

Really doesn't make it less revolting.

Riley slings his arm around me as we head toward the exit. I'm tired all of a sudden, even though I barely had to do any slaying tonight. Somehow I drum up a smile for him. I know he's just trying to help, which makes it hard to admit that mostly he's just getting in the way.

He must be reading my thoughts. "Hey," he says. "Hope I didn't get in the way."

Yes, you did.

"Of course not. I-I was just ... startled," is what I say instead. "And, you know I don't love the idea of you patrolling alone." I worry when he's out slaying. He's only human. Admittedly he's in really good shape and he's got lots of experience bagging vamps, but he's used to working with a team for backup. And better weapons than a pointy stick.

"Not much for bench-warming," he says, not very apologetic. I guess he doesn't need to be. He did handle himself against that vamp pretty well.

"No, you made the squad. You ... threw that vampire like he was a ... teeny-weeny little vampire," I say. Cause he did. And... isn't that kind of weird? I know he's working out but... really? He's still not as strong as I am, hell, he's not even as strong as Spike, but that was definitely more than just normal Riley strength back there. Then again, people have been known to lift buses when pumped on adrenaline, so maybe that's it. There's nothing quite like chasing vampires through graveyards to get your adrenaline pumping.

He just grins. "Hey, wanna go again? Come on, I bet this place is just teeming with aerodynamic vampires." I arch an eyebrow and look around. The graveyard seems pretty dead, actually, except for Spike back there, and that's not something I want to deal with right now.

"Nah," I say, then have a thought, "Unless you wanna go back and kill Spike for the fun of it?"

I half expect Riley to say yes, but instead we both sort of shrug and decide against it. He can't fight back, and I kind of have a problem with staking something that's not an active threat.

He ever gets that chip out, though, then all bets are off.

When we get home it's late, but we make love anyway. Twice. And it's good. Better than usual. Enough to take the edge off that I've been feeling all night. I'm not even irritated by the time I drift off to sleep and wake up in the dream room.

***


The vampire is late. He slips quietly into the bed, and I feel him immediately roll onto his side, yanking the blankets up around him.

With a shrug I roll over and do the same.

Then I realize I'm naked.

I figured out a while back that whatever I'm wearing when I fall asleep comes with me into the dream. Normally I try to at least pull on a long t-shirt before I let myself fall asleep, but I must have forgotten tonight. Still, the vampire is way over on the other side of the huge bed and he's only tried to touch me once. I try to be sneaky and tuck the blankets closer around me, then do my best to relax. It's not like he can see me anyway.

Just before I start to fall asleep I hear something. Was that a sniff?

Did he just sniff the air?

And growl?

I lay awake a lot longer after that.

***


School hard.

At least, that's all that my Cave Buffy brain feels capable of thinking after today's history test. I'm actually kind of enjoying it, though. I know, those are words I never thought I'd hear myself say... not that I'm saying them out loud or anything, but, still. Willow, of course, is delighted.

Between my school work and training and patrolling I'm a busy Buffy. After class, Wills and I swing by the Magic Box. Giles, Xander and Anya have been working like crazy for the last couple of weeks getting things ready. It smells like sawdust and incense and candles when Giles opens the door wearing ... are those paint splattered jeans?

They've remodeled it quite a bit. I don't remember it feeling this big and open before. There's gleaming shelving along the walls, and little tables draped with scarves. They've even added a lofty thing, with a ladder, as a place to shelve the more dangerous books. There's a long glass counter, and Anya is hand lettering a sign for it next to the old fashioned looking register. It's starting to actually look like a real magic shop.

Willow, of course, heads straight for the magic supplies but I'm just enjoying looking around. This place might be new but it holds memories. Last year I had to come in here looking for supplies to reverse Willow's "Will Be Done" spell that left Giles blind and me engaged to Spike. The year before that this was the place where Spike and Angel and I had our showdown with Mr. Trick's fang gang, and the year before that... I think this is where Ethan Rayne had his costume shop. The costume that almost got me killed... by Spike.

I'm sensing a pattern.

I feel the sudden urge to stake something.

When Giles leads me to the backroom, though, I'm floored.

Literally.

Riley's tackle, however, is only a momentary distraction.

"Oh, my god! Look at this place!" There's a punching bag, and one of those gymnastics horse things. Weapons line the walls. There are tumbling mats and even a funny straw-stuffed dummy with fangs. It's incredible, and suddenly I want to hug everyone.

"Thank you. Thank you guys so much!" My face is going to split, I'm smiling so big. Xander proudly shows off the dummy, and Giles ducks his head and smiles. Riley's bouncing around the room like a little boy who wants to play with all my new toys.

Christmas came early this year.

I'm in such a good mood during patrol that night that I don't even mind when Riley tags along and does most of the stake-age. And when we get back to Riley's, I'm still smiling when we go to bed.

***


My dream vampire, on the other hand, is still grouchy.

I think I'm going to call him Mr. Gordo, after my stuffed pig, because he's silent, sleeps beside me every night, and he makes those snuffly pig noises sometimes. I can't keep calling him "my dream vampire". It's way too romantic sounding.

I know better than most that vampires and romance are totally unmixy.

When I tell him I'm going to call him Mr. Gordo from now on, he growls at me.

Maybe I should re-think the pig theme...

***


I'm at school the next morning when I get the phone call from the hospital.

My mom collapsed at work. Riley picks me up and we rush over.

"Your mom is resting right now," the intern tells me. "We're not sure why she passed out, and we'll be running some tests. It might just be low blood sugar, but we want to rule out anything potentially serious."

"Potentially serious?" I ask, worried. Oh, god. Riley pulls me against his chest and I cling to his side. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to my mom.

"Does your mom have a history of fainting?"

I shake my head, feeling a little dizzy myself. The intern tries to reassure me, but I'm not really listening. I lean back against Riley's chest...

And frown.

What the hell is that?

"Riley, are you okay?" I press my ear against his chest. His heart is racing. I know I'm feeling a little shaken up but... this is wrong. Really wrong.

"I'm fine, Buffy," he tells me, shrugging it off even though it's clearly not fine. How long has this been going on? "Let's go check on your mom."

"No, wait," I gesture at the intern whose name I've already forgotten. "Can you listen to his pulse?"

Riley argues for a minute, but agrees mostly to calm me down.

Whatever the intern hears, he's even more concerned than I am, and before we know it we've been ushered into an exam room and Riley's being examined by a doctor.

***


Tachycardia. Fancy doctor speak for Your Heart Is About To Explode.

Riley won't listen. He keeps insisting that he's fine and that he's determined to go home. The doctor thinks he's nuts but she says there's nothing she can do to keep him here. Maybe nothing she can do, but I'm ready to go see if I can find some manacles and chain him to the bed. He's not having it though.

"What's going on?" I demand. "What are you doing? What if you have a heart attack?"

His big hands caress my shoulders but it's not reassuring at all. When did his hands get so hot? "Listen to me. Calm down," he says.

"Me calm down? I'm not the one with a pulse of a hundred and fifty."

He rolls his eyes."My heart's different from yours, Buffy. It works differently now, but it's okay."

No, it's not okay, I want to scream. "But you're still a human, Riley. You could still have a heart attack." I don't understand why he's fighting this. Does he really want to die?

"I'm a human who was used as a lab rat for months," he says, but it sounds like an excuse. I'm about to argue some more when the door opens, admitting Willow and my mom. They're sending mom home while we wait for the test results.

I should feel relieved, but all of a sudden all I can think about is how two of the most important people in my world are sick and there's not a damn thing I'm able to do about it.

***


Mom seems fine, and it's only after I threaten to tie her to the couch that she agrees to rest for a few hours. It's Riley that has me concerned. After he dropped us off he left to meet up with some friends. He wouldn't even talk about it.

I don't get it. I mean, yeah, he was basically Maggie Walsh's guinea pig before she started on Adam, but that doesn't mean he's not human anymore. Whatever she did to him, it can't be good, and it can't be healthy. His heart isn't built for this... but he's acting like it's nothing. Like... like it's what he wants, which totally does not make sense.

It's like he wants to self-destruct.

I can't lose him, too. I can't. I know it's not true but... somewhere in the back of my head I've gotten this idea that the men who date me are doomed somehow. I know, Riley isn't Angel, and I'm probably not going to have to stab him and send him to hell, but I can't lose him. I can't just sit back and watch him destroy himself like this.

Willow suggests calling the Initiative. Since they're the ones who did this to him in the first place, maybe they know how to fix it. But I don't know how to contact them.

"It's so unfair! I mean, it's like Big Brother can spy on you all the time, and...and the second I have something to say, no one will listen!" I say, then pause.

Wait a minute. Big Brother. Spying. Listening...

Maybe there is a way to contact them after all.

***


At Riley's, when I pick up the phone, it makes a weird clicky noise before the dial tone kicks in. Suddenly I understand why Riley hates talking on the phone.

"Riley's in trouble," I say to the dial tone. "He needs help."

***


Help arrives in the form of Graham, Riley's old Initiative buddy. He's sporting a shiny new bruise on his jaw and a concerned look in his eyes when he tells me that he and two other agents tried to talk Riley into going to the hospital. Riley didn't like that idea, it seems.

Time is running out, he explains. We have to get Riley to the doctor as soon as possible. It might already be too late.

I run.

***


In the Magic Box, the Scoobies do what we do best in times of crisis: babble. Riley is nowhere to be found. Finally, for lack of other options, I send Xander and Anya to the docks, and Willow and Tara to the burned out Sunnydale High. He lived there for awhile. "Homey," Willow calls it.

"Homey... you know what else he might find homey in a ... dank, unpleasant, evil sort of way?" I'm thinking out loud. "The Initiative caves. I don't know them too well."

"We do have an associate who knows those caves like the back of his melanin deprived hand," Giles suggests.

I groan. Spike. Why is it always Spike?

***


"I've got a proposition for you," I say after kicking his crypt door open. Spike's sitting on top of a sarcophagus, looking peeved. With a quick move he's off the coffin and in my face, righteous and indignant as if he hadn't been sitting there plotting evil things in his twisted, evil head.

"Funny," he growls. "I've got a proposition for you. What about knocking? Seems only fair since we vamps can't enter your flat without an invite, you could at least—say, look at those pretty pieces of paper..."

Really, sometimes, it's too easy.

"Riley's sick with some Initiative thing and he's missing," I tell him. "I think he's in the caves. You find him, get him to the fourth floor of the hospital, their doctors get to him in time, you get the cash." I wave it in front of him, knowing that cash is the only thing besides blood that means anything to Spike.

He smirks and I resist the urge to punch him. I need his help right now.

"Oh, dear," he says, smug as a canary-stuffed cat. "Is the enormous hall-monitor sick? Tell me, is he going to die?"

Don't hit him. Don't hit him. Don't hit him.

I hit him. Slap him right across his smirking, too-handsome face. "He's not the only one who can die," I promise. He glares, and in his eyes it's all too easy to see a creature that has spent the last hundred years bathing in the blood of innocents.

"I'm just saying," he says through gritted teeth, "if it's that important to you, I think I'll get half now."

My temper wins again. I tear the wad of cash in half and hit him in the chest with it.

***


Of course, I don't really trust Spike. Money might be a motivator, but I know he hates Riley for what the Initiative did to him, and besides, he's evil. There's a good chance that what I'm able to pay him wouldn't be enough motivation for him to go out of his way to save Riley's life. Just because he's chipped doesn't mean he can't kill through neglect, and I can almost picture the happy Spike would get if Riley died. So, I go back to the house and find a flashlight and my jacket, then head for the caves myself.

It feels like I've been stumbling around blindly for an hour when the sound of something pounding rock up ahead gets my attention.

Riley.

His knuckles are bruised and bloody, but he says he can't feel it. He's sweating, and too hot, and I know we're running out of time.

"This stops now," I tell him. But he won't listen. He's afraid, I can see that. Afraid of putting himself in the government's hands after what they've done to him before... but there's more than that.

"Best case scenario," he mutters unhappily, "they turn me into Joe Normal. Just another guy."

And suddenly I understand. "And that's not enough for you?"

"It's not enough for you," he says quietly. "Your last boyfriend wasn't exactly a civilian."

Oh, god. No. This is because he thinks I need a superhero for a boyfriend? That I can't be content with normal? I went looking for normal. Angel was... god, I can't think about Angel right now. I can't. Riley is... amazing. Not because he's got super strength, but because he's normal. Because with him I can just... be Buffy. How can he not get that?

"So, that's what this is about?" I can't help demanding. "You're going to die, all over some macho pissing contest?"

"It's not about him," Riley says, even though, clearly, it is. "It's about us. You're getting stronger every day, more powerful. I can't touch you. Every day, you're just a little further out of my reach."

That's not true. That's so not true. God, don't let that be true.

"You wanna touch me? I'm right here. I'm not the one running away."

"Not yet," he says, as if it's a given that I will. I thought he knew. Thought he understood. I don't run away. It's the men who run. They always run. My father, Angel, even jerk-face Parker... now Riley wants to die? I can't let that happen.

"So you have this all figured out," I say. "I'm bailing because you're not in the super club?"

He feeds me some bullshit about it being human nature. Right, because super powers and vampire slaying are so the sorts of things that everyone else has to deal with. One girl in all the world. Surely I merit my own brand of psychology.

I never could have been as close to Angel as I've been with Riley. For one thing, there was the whole soul issue. For another... I don't know how to explain it. "Nobody has ever known me the way you do. Nobody. I've opened up to you in ways that I've never opened up to... God, you're just sitting there thinking that none of this means anything to me."

"I never said that," he says. He didn't have to.

"Because it obviously doesn't mean anything to you," I can feel myself about to cry. I hate crying. "Do you really think so little of me? Do you think I spent the last year with you because you had superpowers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike."

He gives me a look, like he thinks that's exactly what I'd be doing. Clearly he hasn't forgotten that whole "engaged to Spike" moment from last year, which, hello, was before we started dating and was caused by a spell anyway.

"I need you with me," I tell him. "I need you healthy. But if you wanna throw it all away because you don't trust me, then... then I'm still going to make you go to that doctor."

Because I love him. Because I care about him. And because protecting humans is my job... even when they need protected from themselves.

Maybe Riley gets that I'm serious, or maybe he's sensing the danger he's in. I don't know and I don't care. All I care about is that he finally agrees to come with me. We don't have time to fight over this.

"Loving you is the scariest thing I've ever done, Buffy," he says quietly. My heart thuds heavily at that, and all of a sudden I'm really, really scared that I'm losing him.

"I don't know why," I say. Because really, I don't.

Why is loving me so awful?

***


We make it to the hospital only to find that Graham has been knocked unconscious and the doctor is missing.

God, I knew I couldn't trust Spike. Figures he'd hear "Initiative doctor" and immediately decide to try to get his chip out. That selfish, evil... ugh.

I'm so going to dust his ass. As soon as I find him.

I just have to hope that I'm not too late. It's bad enough that the clock is ticking for Riley, but now I have to worry about fighting Spike? Fighting Spike is never easy, something I hate to admit to anyone. Of all the vamps and demons I've faced, he's the only one still around... for a reason. We're pretty evenly matched, and he's inventive and knows how to use my weaknesses against me. The last time we actually really fought, when he had the Gem of Amara, it was pretty close.

Too close.

And I don't have the time for an epic battle against Spike when Riley's clock is running down.

I just have to hope that I get there before Spike has a chance to get his chip out.

***


He leaps up from the table the minute I walk in the door, and I feel my heart sink. I'm too late.

Now I have to dust Spike.

Gone is the too handsome, stubborn, annoying vampire and in his place is my old enemy. Lethal, lithe, and predatory, Spike embodies everything that vampires ought to be and so rarely actually are. When he slides into game face it's almost a relief.

It's so much easier to fight him when I can see his demon. I've always had a problem staking vamps when they're not in demon face, and it's ten times harder when I know the vamp in question. Riley and Harmony are fighting in the background, a noisy soundtrack to our battle.

With him chipped I haven't been able to justify killing him. I hate the thought of killing something that can't fight back. But with Spikey off the leash, there's nothing holding me back now. His ass is totally mine.

We dance around each other, and I can almost see the glee in Spike's eyes. He's enjoying this, the sick freak. Anger gives me strength, makes my muscles almost sing, I'm so ready to fight him. I can almost picture how he's going to launch himself at me, fists flying. I brace myself, ready to meet his charge.

Except Spike does a standing leap up onto the operating table and looms over me instead, ready to pounce. The move surprises me for a moment, and that's all it takes before he's on me, pinning me to the ground. His cold body is ruthlessly strong as he pins my hands and pulls my head to the side, ready to take a bite. Still... there's a weird hesitation, and for a fraction of a second I could almost swear I see regret flash in his yellow eyes. He roars, however, destroying that illusion and his fangs descend...

Only to be ripped violently away before they even come close to my throat. He screams, pressing his palms to his head and tearing himself off of me. I help by kicking him back. For a moment, he crouches against a cabinet, staring at me and panting. He glances at the doctor beside him, who is trying not to look guilty and smug at the same time.

Oh, god. The doctor didn't remove the chip. It's still there.

Spike can't kill me.

Can't kill anyone.

And I can't kill him.

Not sure what to do, I freeze. Then Riley screams and clutches his chest. I rush to his side, yelling for the doctor, barely registering Spike and Harmony's fleeing figures.

If Riley dies, Spike's dead, too. Chip, or no chip.

***


A few hours later, Riley's all patched up. I'm not really sure what the doctor did to him, but the hole it left in him seems small compared to how major this all was. He'll be fine. He will.

If only I was so sure of the same thing when it came to my mother. In all the fuss I've nearly forgotten, but seeing Riley sitting up reminds me and now I really want to check on her. I almost lost him today because I hadn't been paying attention to the warning signs. That's not going to happen with my mom.

I pass Restfield on my way home, and for a moment I linger outside of the gates. It would be so easy to go in, to dust Spike. I could totally try to justify it. Being chipped clearly didn't stop him from getting Harmony to do his dirty work, or from kidnapping the doctor. Chipped doesn't mean harmless.

I came so close to losing Riley tonight, and it's all Spike's fault.

In the end, though, I turn away.

As angry as I am, it wouldn't be fair. He can't fight back. Xander would argue that it'd be like putting down a rabid dog but... I can't do it.

Someday I'll have to face a chipless Spike. Someday we'll be equals again, and we'll finally figure out which of us is stronger, faster, the better fighter.

But not tonight.

When I go to bed that night, I'm exhausted. It's been such a roller coaster of a day. I'm out the minute my head hits my pillow, and I barely register being awake in that other room before I pass back out again. The vampire isn't even there when I fall asleep, which is probably a good thing.

So not in the mood to deal with vampires right now.




 
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