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Chapter 46
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Spike moved the boiler easily. His emotions were still raging from the staged fight with Angel that managed to strike a bit too close to home on many issues. Buffy had clearly said she loved HIM, chose HIM. Even with Peaches here, too. Buffy wasn’t a liar. Still…

Spike’s memory went back to the year that was both heaven and hell to him. He had finally gotten the chance to discover firsthand the answer to the question he
had once posed to Riley Finn: was it better to have Buffy without her love, to be close to her and be in her body but not in her heart or was it better to love from afar with the hope of someday? He’d had both versions of the question and had to say that neither really felt good.

Spike hadn’t minded the physical blows. He was used to them really. At least when she was beating on him he had her attention and touch. He didn’t really enjoy pain, in spite of possible evidence to the contrary. He much preferred giving and receiving pleasure any day.

The verbal stakings he received over and over had taken quite a toll, however. What made it harder to get past now was his soul’s agreement with Buffy’s words from those days. He WAS an evil, disgusting thing. There was no good in him, not until loving her.

He was beneath her. A century bathed in blood made that a given. He had tried to kill her more than once, even hiring the order of Taraka to take her out. There was no way around what he had done, what he was still capable of, what he was…is.

He was a vampire and there was no getting around that. The difference now was the soul, but all that did, really, was to underscore how much better she deserved. Even after the soul, Buffy had pointed out to the Potentials that underneath it all vampires were all the same; animals, she had said. The best he should be allowed was to become her faithful domesticated pet of sorts…not her equal, not her love. A
pet, perhaps, but even then the fact remained that he would always be a dangerous breed at best.

"Oh, God! What went wrong?" Buffy saw Spike’s agonized face and assumed the worst. "Did Angel get dusted? Are you all right? Come here, baby, and let me see."

Spike flinched from her gentle touch and concerned words. He was torn, wanting to grasp at the love she offered and he so desperately needed and desired, yet knowing she deserved so much better. He couldn’t undo his past or change what he was.

"Angel’s fine. Least I think he is. It all went down the way we figured. I got out and he was pretty convincing with the Spike hate. Wolf’s smart enough to know that having Angel on his side would be his best chance in finding us fast." Spike was keeping his distance from his lady love, determined to channel the discussion towards plans for getting out of their current dimension and away from whatever Buffy might think she felt for him.

Buffy stared at Spike, trying to fathom what had happened to change his response to her. They werecloser than they had been in, well…ever, really. She had no walls up to hold him off and she had finally been clear in her mind and what she said about her feelings. There was no pull from her past with Angel to confuse her, no shame at loving Spike to close her heart and mouth. Something was wrong though. Spike was
avoiding her touch and looked more lost than he had since his days in the basement of Hellmouth High. What had Angel said or done to cause this?

"Spike. Baby, you need to talk to me. I can see by your face that something is really, really wrong. Don’t shut me out. You begged me to talk before and I was too stubborn and afraid to do it. I learned that I should have listened to you then. Don’t do what I did--talk to me." Buffy was beginning to be afraid. She had no real fear that they wouldn’t win against the worst that the demon world could throw at them, but she was terrified of having her heart broken yet again.

"Nothing new, pet. Everything’s the same, even me. That’s the problem. I forget myself at times. You make me feel like a man, always have done. I stayed away so you could have the life you deserve, Buffy. Can’t say the bloody Immortal was what I had in mind, but you bein’ happy is all I want in this whole world. We aren’t exactly Ozzie and Harriet, Love," Spike said softly.

"I thought her name was Sharon." Buffy was confused and it showed.

"Different Ozzie, very different. I guess I can’t really think of an example you’d get, what with the world bein’ so different now. Not too many happy, perfect couples out there on TV or in real life either. Just meanin’ I forget sometimes that I’m a vampire, that I’m a serial killer. Haven’t done it in a long while and don’t particularly want to, but I am what I am." Spike’s head was lowered in sadness.

Buffy could feel the anger rise within her. "Angel! I swear, if Wolf hasn’t killed him I’m tempted to dust him myself!"

"Not Angel’s fault, pet. Got my own soul to point out those truths. You were right all along about why I’m not fit to be near you, never will be. Gave up that right decades before you were even born. I had choices. Proved that when I stopped wantin’ to kill for food after I fell in love with you. True, it’s harder to chose the right thing without the soul, livin’ the life of a vamp. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have a choice though. Always been butchers around and demons to kill when I’d need a spot of violence. I made bad choices. Choices that made me all those uglies you saw all along." Spike looked deeply into Buffy’s eyes so that she could see the truth written there.

"You’re still an idiot!" Buffy took hold of his chin, forcing him to maintain eye contact and not drop his eyes in misplaced shame again. "You have no idea how special you are, do you? The fact that you made ANY good choice in your whole unlife is a miracle. You shouldn’t be able to do that, and you did time after time. We never said a thing to help or encourage you either; you did it in spite of us. It wasn’t the chip. I finally figured that out after I lost you, or thought I did. You could have had others do the killing part and still been the Big Bad. There was good at the core of you even then and the chip just gave you the excuse and the nudge you needed. Take away the soul from Angel, even shove in a chip, and
he’d still have been looking for ways to destroy me and the entire world!"

Spike started to shake his head in denial, but Buffy wouldn’t allow it.

"That’s another thing: you were always able to love. You put Dru’s needs over your own even while you were still a killer. You weren’t supposed to be able to do those things either: love, self-sacrifice. You’ve always been special. I was just too blind to see it before and too scared when I finally did. Yeah, you’ve been a killer. You’ve also saved the world a couple of times, maybe even more than that. The first time you didn’t even have the chip yet, much less a soul. I know it doesn’t work that way, life for life or anything, but it does have to matter. It makes you different on so many levels. Don’t repeat my stupid words to me now when they are even less true than they were then," Buffy began to cry. "Don’t let me
mess this up again with stuff I can’t go back and undo."

Spike could withstand almost any torture devised, but not the hot, wet tears of the woman he loved. His arms slid around Buffy’s sobbing frame and drew her close
in his embrace.

"Shhh, my love. Shhh. I’m a foolish man, I am. Have all this golden perfection laid in front of me and I try to run the other way! Quiet now, Love. I’m afraid that I don’t have the strength to walk away from you even if I do think you deserve better. Still much too selfish to go far. I would have gone to find you in time, you know. Took all my will to stay away after I got my body back. Wanted to find out why I was back first, then thought I’d let it go too long. Still, I would have come to you in time. Die a little every day I’m apart from you. Have to stay dust to stay away."

"Maybe you and I should have that talk now, huh?" Buffy choked out. No way was she letting any more bad history stand in the way of the future she so completely wanted with Spike. He had been dead and was now alive; she wasn’t going to lose him again.

~~~

They each had so much to say that once the conversation began it was as if floodgates opened and everything spilled out.

Spike began with a summary of everything that had happened to him since his return after burning to ash in the Hellmouth. He glossed over the reasons for not getting in touch with Buffy as soon as he was recorporealized until he finished the tale up through the current rescue mission.

"I should have called or written, left it up to you about seeing me again. Sorry, Buffy. Not proud to admit the real reason. Told myself it was ‘cause I’d gone out a hero and it would be anticlimactic to just pop up again. Told myself I was protectin’ you ‘cause I never did find out who really brought me back or why. Didn’t want to be a tool for evil again like with the First. Reminded myself that you had moved on with your life and there wasn’t likely to be a place for me in it. Bit of truth in all that I suppose, but the real truth was…," Spike paused and drew in a deep breath before baring all to the woman he loved, "I was scared."

"What were you afraid of?" Buffy couldn’t imagine what might cause a fearless warrior like Spike to be afraid, especially anything to do with her. After all, she had never been able to stake him even when they really were enemies.

"Reality, I suppose. See, if I didn’t get in touch, I could always believe you meant it there at the last, that you loved me, at least in that moment. Could tell myself I did the noble thing and let you move on with that normal life you always said you wanted." Spike gulped before exposing his deepest nightmares of that year. "Couldn’t stand to see the look on your face if you weren’t glad I was back. If you didn’t love me that way and then had to find some way to nicely let me know you weren’t interested. I didn’t want your pity, didn’t want you to want me ‘cause of what I did. I was afraid of what kind of look you’d have when you saw me. Knew you’d be glad I wasn’t roastin’ in hell or anything, but wasn’t sure if you’d be that happy havin’ me back in your life again.

He couldn’t look at her. Part of him still feared that look she had given him in his worst nightmares. "Could always tell myself that you’d have been happy to have me back, that you’d wrap your arms around me and tell me you loved me. I could tell myself that if I’d only had the balls to just come to you, I’d have everything I ever wanted and it was my fault it hadn’t happened. Better that than be all hopeful and get pity or disappointment instead. I was a coward."

Buffy was quiet for a long while, absorbing all he had said, all that he felt. She knew that her years of mixed messages and failure to commit had laid the groundwork for his insecurities. He was no coward, just a man who had been hurt one time too many.

"There would have been no pity, Spike, just joy. I missed you so very much. If I had a clue you weren’t dust there in that hole, I would have been there as fast as I could book a flight." Buffy took his hand and brought it to her lips, placing a soft kiss on his palm then holding it to her cheek. He could feel her tears on his hand as she held it there.

"You are not a coward either. I had a lot of time to remember our history while you were dead to me, lots of time to relive all the bad, all the good." Spike started to interrupt and Buffy knew he was going to take responsibility for the bad memories. "Shh. Now it’s my turn, Spike. You made some mistakes, a couple of really big ones. Still, you had no soul to help you with those choices. I don’t have that excuse; I should have known better. I should have judged you by your actions, not how Angel was or how a vampire is supposed to be. Those things I finally told you I saw when you were chained up in my basement before the First took you, I saw them before and chose to ignore them. I was afraid, too."

Buffy looked deeply into Spike’s eyes, making sure he could see her sincerity. "I was afraid to love you. I denied how I felt and what I saw, because I was terrified. I haven’t got a great track record with guys. Most of the males that mattered most in my life have left me. I wasn’t able to trust my instincts any
more. It really had nothing to do with you. I feared being left all alone. You would go because all the men I loved did sooner or later and my friends would have
deserted me because of you. I was afraid, and I was wrong."

"When you came back with that soul, I felt guilty, too. You had done the unthinkable for me! My mind was spinning. Then everything else was going on with all those girls that I had to protect…you being taken by the First…the end of the world hanging over me again…I guess I just thought that when it was all over, there’d be time. I think how I felt showed in how I acted. Xander said he knew as soon as I brought you home when you found out you were killing again--that’s why he stopped being a jerk towards you. He could tell. We talked a lot right after. He’d lost Anya and I’d lost you.

She closed her eyes in memory of those terrible dark days. "I never said the words though. Not until the very end when I knew there would be no more time and you HAD to know. It drove me crazy that you didn’t believe me. I couldn’t blame you for it. When had my actions and words ever matched where you were concerned anyway?"

Spike began to stroke her hair gently as he drew her closer into his embrace. They had both endured so much hurt for so long and denied themselves and each other the purity of the love they held in their hearts.

"I did love you, Spike. I still do. I am beyond happy that you are here and I have a chance for us to get it right this time." Buffy smiled up into his face.

"And Angel? I remember how important he always was with you. Know you’ll always love him, how happy you were when he came to help in Sunnydale. Some part of you still want him?" Spike prayed for the only answer his heart could handle at this point.

"Angel is my past. You heard me tell him that just a while ago." Buffy took hold of Spike’s face and continued. "Look, you big dummy, if I had wanted Angel, I would have gone straight to L.A. after Sunnydale became a big hole in the ground. I didn’t. I had a bigger hole in my heart than that one in Southern California and you were at the bottom of both. I didn’t even call Angel after; Giles let him know what happened. This is the first I’ve seen of him since I sent him away and made you my champion. Angel is my past. No regrets!"

Spike’s lips descended to hers in what felt like slow motion. They had kissed after Spike freed her in the courtyard but this was different, this was so much more. It was regret and promise, comfort and passion, remembrance and renewal. It was the joining of two souls in the most complete way possible. It was a kiss of love.

When they broke away to let Buffy catch a breath, she giggled a bit. "You know, we do have a bit of time on our hands here. Cozy comforter over there and plenty of privacy. I’d love to try something we’ve never done."

"That so, Love? Can’t think of much we haven’t done already. Maybe you’ll have to show me what you have in mind." Spike had a slight smirk as he teased her.

"We’ve never made love to each other, Spike. Not with both of us there at the same time. Not freely, no holds barred. I want to make love to you and finally let you make love to me. I’m tired of waiting for some better, perfect time that usually slips out of my hands. I don’t want another thing to regret with us." Buffy took his hand and led him to the piled bed linens in the corner.

Spike swallowed hard and tried to gather the pieces of his blown mind. It had always been lovemaking for him. He adored her with his body even when she had rejected the words. He had worshiped her with kisses and loved her with his hands and pretended she was feeling it as well. Now, if he understood her correctly, she had felt it, understood it. Now she wanted to not only accept it, but also to return the feeling.

His hands were in her hair, her glorious hair that was longer than he had ever seen it. Golden silk that ran through his fingers and smelled of exotic flowers and sunshine. Her hands were busy as well. One was loosening his hair, letting his untamed curls run riot while the other was caressing his chest, building a fire within him that threatened to combust.

Buffy toed off her strappy sandals, still kissing Spike. Suddenly, instead of being eye to eye, she found herself fitting perfectly to his frame, just as she remembered. He was taller than she was, but not so tall that she had to stretch to continue devouring his lips.

Her tongue slipped between his parted lips and she began to explore his mouth. She ran her it along the back of his teeth teasing the sensitive skin that covered his fangs. Spike moaned, the sound muffled by their continued kiss. His tongue joined in the dance immediately, tasting his sweet Buffy as he never dared to dream he would again.

Her hand began to move to the bottom of his shirt, lifting it up and out of the way so that hungry flesh could touch hungry flesh, unfettered.

Spike moved one hand to the back of her halter top and loosened the tie at her neck. His other hand carefully moved her hair to one side as his mouth sought out the curve of her delicate neck. As Buffy panted desperate breaths, his lips and tongue made magic on that sensitive column of skin.

They moved slightly apart to allow his shirt to be removed at last and he bent to remove his Doc’ss As he tossed the boots to one side, he straightened up to the sight of Buffy, her dress top falling loose and leaving her bare to his gaze from the waist up.

Her breasts were fuller than when they had last been intimate. They were perfect, ripe and round, just the perfect size to make an exquisite handful. Her nipples were already hard and a deep, dusky pink. He took one in his hand, caressing and teasing, while his mouth claimed the other.

Buffy leaned into him, moaning her pleasure as she trailed her hands all over his upper body. Her finger dipped under his waistband with every pass. Finally that taunting hand moved to the front of his jeans and gently squeezed his erection through the denim.

"You growled! I distinctly heard a growl there," Buffy whispered.

"You’re makin’ me crazy here, Buffy. Want you so bad. Need you so much. Don’t want to rush, but I’m like a lit bottle rocket ready to go off in a blaze of color," he spoke into her neck.

"Color, eh? Now, that would be new. Let’s see what this new substance tastes like, shall we?" Buffy dropped to her knees at the same time she slipped the top button of his trousers free. She had him unzipped and in her hand before Spike could think clearly. After she took hold of his throbbing cock, all chance for clear thinking left him.

Spike had to rest one hand against the wall to steady himself from the onslaught of her mouth and tongue. His other hand grasped at her head to slow her tempo enough
to maintain some control. As wonderful as the feeling of her soft lips, hot mouth
and talented tongue were, he wanted to be buried deep within his love when he finally found his release.

It was taking all his concentration not to come quickly. It had been so long. Aside from the one aborted tryst with Harm, he had been as celibate as a monk. Buffy couldn’t know that, of course.

"Buffy, love, please. Much as I adore that heavenly mouth of yours, I need to be in you. I haven’t…" How to mention Harmony was the question. Actually, Spike decided, mentioning the blonde vamp wasn’t a great idea at any time, especially not now. He decided on a more vague explanation, "It’s been so long, Love. Can’t guarantee that vamp stamina right away."

Buffy had taken him all the way in to his balls. She didn’t seem to have any problem with pesky gag reflexes at all. There was just lots of sensation, almost too much. She sucked with just the right amount of pressure to mimic her internal Slayer muscles while flicking his oversensitive cock with her tongue as she pumped him with her mouth. Her hand reached his balls, caressing them as she sucked.

When Spike was nearly whimpering in his need for her, she moved her mouth from his swollen cock and took each ball into her mouth, rolling them in the most delightful way while looking up at him with impish glee in her eyes. Finally she relented.

"Okay, mister. We do this your way, but I plan to finish what I started here. Want to taste you, swallow you down, make you come forever." She rose to her feet, her hands trailing up his bare torso as her lips sought his in a soul-touching kiss.

"Think we both have on too many clothes, don’t you?" Spike began to remove her dress. "Silk. Nice, soft. Not as soft as your skin though." The dress pooled at her feet and she kicked it aside. Versace be damned, she had Spike back in her arms!

She had not been idle while Spike removed the last of her clothes. Buffy had pushed his jeans past his slim hips and down his legs. She giggled a bit as Spike hopped about, trying to get them off without falling over or letting go of his hold on her. His hands were already occupied kneading her breast with one and tangling in the hair at the nape of her neck with the other.

Finally free of all clothing, the lovers melted into one another, bodies starved for contact, heat against cool. Buffy was panting from the latest of the successive kisses. "Do you really think I could ever meet any other man who could play my body the way you do? No one knows how to set me on fire like you and there isn’t anyone I want to burn with the way I do with you. I’m never as alive as when I’m in your
arms. Even back then I knew that was true. Everything is a perfect fit…perfect!"

Spike lowered Buffy to the comforter, never letting go as they fell bonelessly into the softness. He began to rain kisses down her jaw line to the front of her neck,
licking and kissing his way across the collar bone to her right breast. His right hand palmed the neglected leftone. Her nipples were rock hard and flushed with color. Spike let go of the right nipple with a small pop and moved his mouth to
the left one. He was using his hand to continue the caressing of the right nipple, just the right amount of pressure in his flicking and squeezing to cause pleasure instead of pain.

Buffy let her kisses follow a similar path to Spike’s odyssey on her neck. She stopped at his Adam’s apple and tongued it before moving on to the hollows of his
collar bones. Her hands were busy, one making lazy paths along his side from abs to hips and back again while the other traced patterns on his strong back.

The only sounds were Buffy’s ragged breathing, punctuated by moans from both the lovers as they re-acquainted themselves with each other’s bodies.

Spike finally moved on from Buffy’s firm breasts and left wet kisses on his way to her glistening pussy. She had never let him play much this way when they had been lovers before. Oral sex seemed far too intimate for Buffy to allow much giving or receiving. It made what they were doing far too real for her then. Now Spike would have his chance to show her what kind of pleasure he could give when she was willing.

He settled his head between her thighs and glanced up at her lust-glazed face, smiling. "So pretty, Love. You are so beautiful everywhere, but here you are
exquisite. All wet and warm and flushed for me." As he spoke, his fingers were moving around her outer lips, spreading the moisture her body seemed to be producing
in massive amounts. He watched her face carefully as he inserted first one, then two fingers into her channel, pumping them and curling one to reach her sweet spot with each thrust.

Buffy writhed beneath his touch. "God…Spike…oh, so good. Yes! Oh, yes! Right there, again…more. Spiiiiiike!" Her body convulsed, throbbing around his fingers as she came for the first time. He slowed the thrusts, letting her come down from her climax. When she was barely twitching, he flicked her clit and sent her into a second orgasm. Colors exploded behind her eyes at the intensity. How had she ever walked away from this, from him?

He chuckled at the look of awe she gave him as she swallowed and gasped. As he kept his half-lidded eyes on her, he slowly put both Buffy-drenched fingers into his mouth and sucked them clean. "Delicious. I could live on this and give up blood entirely."

As Buffy laughed at the thought, he bent his head towards her once again and this time she felt his mouth as he kissed her pussy with near reverence before running his tongue over her outer labia and plunging it into her. His finger found her clit and began to rub small circles directly on that delightful spot as his tongue alternated, caressing her inner labia then thrusting into her channel. She was headed for her third orgasm before she knew it.

Spike felt her lower body tense up in preparation for another climax and he held her as still as he could, not losing contact as she writhed and bucked beneath him. She nearly pulled out some hair, she was grasping his head so hard. Her scream of ecstasy caused the werewolf in the back chamber to howl in alarm.

Spike kissed his way back to her mouth and then shared essence of Buffy with his goddess as his tongue tangled with hers in a hot kiss.

They lay together, her hands playing in his hair as he rested his head upon her breast. As soon as Buffy could speak again, she tilted Spike’s head and gave him
a small, playful pout before saying, "Sure you won’t let me return the pleasure?"

"Oh you’ll be returnin’ it, pet, just not with that pretty mouth of yours. Not this time anyway. You don’t know how I’ve ached to feel you all around me again. Gonna make you scream," Spike promised.

"You already did," Buffy admitted with a laugh. "I think we got the wildlife riled up back there! Of course, I do have Slayer stamina and think you could get me screaming again without too much bother."

"No bother at all, missy." Spike’s deep chuckle as his head lay on her breast caused vibrations that Buffy could feel all the way to her womb.

"Well, if it’s no bother…"

She hadn’t finished the sentence before Spike rolled her on her back and positioned his cock at the entrance of her wet, willing quim. Neither of the lovers wanted to break eye contact as Spike slowly entered her. They needed to reassure each other that they were both there together, that this time they were making love.

A low growl started at the base of Spike’s throat as he felt her inner walls sheath his cock in liquid heat. He felt her stretch to take him all the way in as she moaned her pleasure.

He paused after becoming fully seated within her. "There is NOTHING standard about missionary with you," Buffy quipped and kissed him deeply as they began the ancient dance of lovers. His thrusts were slow and steady to begin setting a pace that brought her orgasm as a surprise. True to her word she did scream again and this time it was his name she shouted to the heavens. Spike decided he had found the music he truly loved in the sound.

He varied his thrusts after her climax, pulling nearly out and making several shallow thrusts before slamming home. He kept that rhythm, bringing her to yet
another climax.

"God, can a person die from coming too many times?" Buffy asked when she caught her breath.

"Got a bit of time to make up here. You’re not complainin’ are you?" Spike smirked, knowing full well that Buffy was more than happy to continue all
night if possible. "I’m thinkin’ we can break that five hour record if we really put our minds to it. Whaddaya say, Slayer, up for it?"

"What do you think? We’re perfectly matched, you know. If you can take it, so can I." Buffy rolled the two of them over so that she was now in control of the tempo and Spike had the freedom to knead her breasts as Buffy moved over him.

She leaned back, supporting her back against Spike’s bent knees and rotated her hips in fluid motions. She loved watching Spike’ face as he watched her loving him.


His gaze then moved to where their bodies joined and he took on a look of wonder as he took in the sight of her wet pussy moving up and down on his thick, hard cock. Watching her not just welcome him into her very core, but directing the possession. He watched silently as his slick cock disappeared within Buffy again and again. Her inner muscles were grasping and releasing in a way that made Spike sure he would pop
like warm champagne, and soon.

His eyes closed as he neared his release. "Spike, I want to see your eyes when you come. I want to see the look in them as you shoot your cum deep in me." Buffy had never talked during sex in the past, much less saying words guaranteed to cause the best orgasm in his long life.

"Buffy. God, love you so much. Coming, geez, I’m coming," he moaned as he shot into her, spurt after endless spurt of his seed. He could feel the contracting of her muscles that let him know without a word that she had joined him in the leap over the edge to paradise.

Buffy lay down atop Spike as they caressed each other with their hands. Buffy’s foot tenderly moved up and down Spike’s leg. The afterglow lit the room in a near visible way. "So…any other stupid ideas about me wanting someone other than you, my vampire? My love. Any further doubt that I’m more than happy you’re back? And never letting you go either."

It was a contented Spike that fell into a deep sleep with his Slayer, his Buffy, wrapped tightly in his arms. As for Buffy, she slept well for the first time since the night before the battle with the First. The missing ingredient was there again: Spike’s body wrapped around hers.