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Buffy perused the aisle of books with a careful eye. She was hoping the library had gotten the next novel of a series she was reading. She’d gotten into reading in a big way, recently. Nothing too verbose. She definitely wasn’t an academic, or anything. But reading was fun and also very anti-social so it went with her whole outlook these days. She often enjoyed reading the horror novels just so she could marvel (and laugh) at the way vampires were portrayed in them. They usually fell into two categories – brooding and tortured or wild and carefree. Although, come to think of it, that was pretty accurate.

They didn’t have the book she wanted. Buffy scowled and turned to leave, nearly walking straight into the young man who had been standing behind her. She apologised absently whilst trying to make her way around him. It was only when he spoke her name that she actually let herself look at him.

Oz gave her a polite smile and a brief nod of his head. He had a stack of college textbooks under his arms as well as other novels including, what looked to Buffy, like a book about the city of Rome. He was dressed in his usual sheepskin jacket – a wolf in sheep’s clothing – a faded green T-shirt with a baseball logo emblazoned on it, and dark blue jeans and sneakers. With his long spiky hair and cool musician stubble Oz was the quintessential college guy.

“What are you doing here?” Buffy blurted.

Oz’s gaze ticked down to the books in his hand “Books.”

“Right. Stupid question.” Buffy groaned inwardly. “Doesn’t the college have a library?”

“It does but I like to get out and mingle with the townsfolk once in a while. Keeps me healthy.”

She nodded slowly and eyed the door, “Well, I better…”

“Willow misses you.” Oz said gently.

It was a simple statement but it hit her straight at her core. She missed Willow. She missed them all. Her throat dried up as she tried to think of an answer to that but she couldn’t and when she felt the tears well up in her eyes she turned back towards the bookshelf to compose herself. Oz stepped up beside her gracefully and scanned the books with his eyes.

“Dracula,” He said, picking the book up, “the original classic. Or, if you’re looking for something a little more modern, Salem’s Lot. Of course, you could go with something kind of fruity like My Stepmother’s a Vampire. Your call.”

Buffy smiled a little, then it faltered. “If she misses me then why didn’t she come see me sooner, Oz?”

“I don’t know.” He replied, honestly.

“She just stopped visiting me in hospital. They all did. And I never knew why. I know that I wasn’t exactly cheery but I had a pretty good reason for that.” She eyed him, sideways.

Oz just nodded and motioned that he was going to go and check out his books. Buffy hesitated a moment before following him to the desk. There was no one in line so Oz made his way straight to the front, placing his books on the counter. Buffy stood slightly apart from it all, watching as he paid off an overdue library fare using several crinkled up notes. The woman behind the desk gave him a tempting smile but either Oz was oblivious to it or he simply chose to ignore it, leaving with a civil thank you and walking back towards Buffy. The librarian shot her a dirty look having clearly decided that Buffy was his girlfriend. It almost made her laugh that the woman was jealous of her. She had absolutely no reason to be.

They made their way outside into the semi-darkness of the Sunnydale street. It was approaching sunset and Buffy was hoping to get home, have something resembling dinner, and grab a more substantial coat before she ventured out to patrol.

“There’s this thing. Party. Over at Stevenson House,” Oz informed her. “Townie friendly.”

Buffy shook her head, “Not much for parties these days.”

“Okay.” He nodded, “The Dingoes are playing tomorrow night at the Bronze. Willow’ll be there. Xander too, I think.”

Buffy understood what he was implying.That it might be a good time to have some kind of reunion with them. And where better than a crowded place where fists probably wouldn’t fly. However, given The Bronze’s reputation that probably didn’t apply. She shifted from foot to foot, eyes on the descending sun.

“I don’t know.” She was the very picture of non-committal.

Oz gave her a brief smile “Just an option.”

He took a step backwards; to make it clear it was okay for her to leave. Buffy nodded at him and turned on her heel. She had only taken a couple of steps away from him when he called out her name again. Slowly, she turned back.

“For what’s its worth,” Oz looked her in the eyes, intently, “I tried to visit you. Once. But I wasn’t on your visitors list.”

Buffy just looked at him, having no idea what to say. The werewolf held her gaze a moment longer before turning and walking slowly down the street, books in hand. The Slayer watched until he was gone from her line of sight and then she walked away.

+ + +

By the time she came across Spike, later that night, she was in no mood for a confrontation with him. She’d already dusted three vampires and grappled with a Dravlok demon she had since lost and was attempting to track. Instead she had found the white-haired vampire sitting on the cemetery floor, leaning back against the doors of a mausoleum. Serve him right if the occupants decided to take a midnight stroll and he fell flat on his back when they made their exits. At least it might give her a laugh.

Spike was smoking a cigarette and looked up as she approached. “Nice night for it, eh?”

Buffy thought about her conversation with Jeremiah the night before. The fact that she had needed another vampire to point out Spike’s possible untrustworthiness was just sad. She was the Slayer and, hello, also had common sense enough to figure that out for herself. Or, at least, she should have. Maybe she was just deluding herself. So she decided to just come right out with it.

“Are you still killing?”

He spluttered, coughing loudly, after inhaling a large quantity of smoke. “You what?”

“It’s a simple enough question. One I really should have asked before.” Buffy stopped and looked down at him. “Are you still killing people, yes or no?”

“Buffy, love,” Spike murmured, fully recovered, as he stood up, “what’s this about?”

She sighed at him. “Just answer the question, Spike.”

Spike dropped the cigarette, crushing it under foot. Then he looked up at her and just stared for a couple of moments, hand pressed against his chest as if he were swearing allegiance to the flag. Buffy waited for him to come out with some sly remark, or any remark, but when time seemed to stretch on a little too long for such a simple question, she began to get suspicious.

The vampire blinked. “No. I’m not. Satisfied?”

“Not really, no.” Buffy watched him, more than a little perplexed.

“Well, we can sort that out.” Spike’s usual cavalier grin erupted onto his face. “I’ve got all night to get you nice and satisfied.”

As he took a step towards her she put her hand out and spoke, “Spike, if you are killing again…then tell me now. End this now.”

While I still have a chance to make things right Buffy added silently to herself. If he was killing again then she could forget about him. She could even kill him. Then she could go to The Bronze tomorrow, meet up with her friends, get reacquainted. She might be able to start over. Get her life back on track again. It wouldn’t be easy but it might be possible.

“I’m…I’m bloody not!” Spike cried, throwing his hands up. “What’s a guy gotta do to convince you, eh Slayer?”

Buffy looked him square in the eyes. “Swear on your life. I’d say…swear on Drusilla’s life or on anyone else you care about but you care about yourself most. So, swear on your life, Spike.”

“Fine.” He took several steps towards her, so they came face to face. “I swear on my life.”

She considered him for a moment and then took a step back and shrugged. Either he was telling the truth or he was lying. There was no way she could know for sure, but if she decided to trust him about this then maybe she could finally feel comfortable around someone else. By some crazy twist of fate Spike was the person who knew the most about her these days. He knew her physically, carnally and he knew her fears. She became aware in her periphery thoughts that he could one day use this all against her. Truly bring her to her knees in a powerful and violent crescendo.

Either she took the leap with him or she didn’t.

And Buffy was so tired of not taking the leap. So tired of playing it safe, of being alone, of isolation and alienation and all those other ugly words.

So, she nodded and felt the tension in her shoulders relax. And this time when Spike moved towards her she didn’t stop him. She pulled him closer.
 
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