Ring, Ring

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Buffy’s voice sounding like she has been crying: ANGEL ………… I LOVE YOU OH MY GOD TAKE ME BACK OR I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF - SOOBBBBBBBBBB

Buffy Hangs up

Ring, Ring

Buffy in a calm voice: Hello

A: Oh my god Buffy, are you okay?

B: Of course, why wouldn’t I be?

A: You just called and….

B: I didn’t call

A: Yes you did!

B: ::::::::::Sighs:::::::: Seriously Angel you need to get over me and quit calling just to hear my voice. I told you I was with Spike now; you really need to get some help.

Buffy hangs up the phone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Spike’s muffled voice: Yes, I would like to report a crime.

A: Have you called the police?

S: No it is very delicate and I am not sure they would believe me.

A: What exactly happened?

S: Well you see there is this guy who wears way too much hair gel and it’s really starting to annoy me….

Angel hangs up

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Buffy’s hushed voice: Angel?

A: Yes

B: If you hear angels does that mean you’re insane?

A: No I am not an Angel - that is simply my name because I look as beautiful as an angel – you should see my hair!

B: You’re an Angel, but not an angel? And you have great hair?

A: (beaming) Exactly! Now how can I help you?

B: Well you see I was talking to God the other day and he told me…..

Angel hangs up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Spike’s attempt at a California accent: “Dude, I just saw the most horrifying scary thing in the entire world. It was a monster man, you have to help me!”

Angel in a soothing voice: My job is to help vanquish all monsters. They look upon me and tremble. Never fear my good man. Now what was the monster you saw?

S: I don’t know man, but it was tall, dark and had this enormous forehead…

Angel hangs up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Buffy squealing: DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angel quite confused: Dru?

B: Daddy I was such a good girl today! I didn’t kill anyone except that funny girl who was in your reception office….

Angel drops the phone and runs downstairs to see Cordy painting her nails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Buffy in a low voice: Mr. Angel?

A: Yes?

B: This is Kelly Morgan with the London branch of Wolfram and Hart. We have a court decree for back child support.

A: WHAT?

B: You were sued by a Mr. Randy (Spike) Giles for back child support for a Miss Drusilla in the amount of 1,000 pounds per month. The court has ruled in favor of Mr. Giles with a retroactive judgment for the last 80 years.

A: WHAT? You can’t do that!

B: We already did sir. We expect your first payment within 14 days or we will put a lien on your property.

A: I never received any notice! You can’t do this!

B: We sent you a registered letter and it was signed by a Ms. Cordelia Chase. You did not respond so the courts ordered a summary judgment. Have a nice day.

Buffy hangs up.

Angel tells Cordy to book a plane ticket to London NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

London Airport

Angel’s cell phone rings:

Angel: Angel speaking.

Spike in a Lindsey style voice: Angel, this is Lindsey from Wolfram and Hart, Los Angeles. We were just notified about the lawsuit filed by our London branch. We were able to suspend the summary judgment by arguing that neither you nor Spike fell under British jurisdiction since your deaths and subsequent travels abroad.

The short version is, you have a hearing scheduled in the California Superior Court. We have arranged a special session for 8 pm to accommodate your “sunlight allergy”. If you attend the hearing, there is a good chance we can have the lawsuit thrown out or be able to counter sue Spike for slander.

A: But I am in London now.

S: Well, either get yourself to California by 8 pm or be prepared for the California courts to uphold the British ruling. I am doing you a favor here, and you will owe me!

Spike slams the phone down.

Angel goes to the ticket counter: “Can I have a ticket to LA please?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ring, Ring

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Buffy in a nasally voice: Yes, Mr. Angel; this is American Express calling. I wanted to discuss your recent usage of the credit card.

A: I know there were a lot of repairs on there but…

B: Actually the repairs are NOT what I am calling about. The card has been shown to have some heavy charges on at least four different websites….

A: :::Groans::::: Look - if this is about the porn, for the last time I DID NOT ORDER any.

B: (shocked voice) Excuse me sir, I was referring to some other sites.

A: What are they then?

B: We have a $3000 donation to a website called The Bloodshedverse, $4,000 to a ‘Misfit Janes’, $5, 000 for the hair club for men, and

Angel hangs up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ring, Ring

Angel: Angel Investigations, we help the helpless; Angel speaking.

Buffy in an uptight Texan accent: Hello Mr. Angel, this is the IRS.

A: Buffy this is not funny!

B: Excuse me sir, but my name is Lucy.

A: I know it is you Buffy, this is getting old!

B: Sir, I do not know who you are referring to; but my name is Lucy Stevens with the Texas branch of the IRS. My phone number is 555-1212 ext 279, would you like to call me back?

A: No, I’m sorry I thought you were someone else.

B: It’s okay sir. Now about my call

A: Are you sure you’re not Buffy?

B: No sir, I am not Buffy! I am, however, calling about the fact that you have neglected to pay your taxes - ever.

A: What? I’m a vampire! I don’t have to pay taxes – I’m the undead!

B: Ha ha very funny – well sir, it seems that you have property in LA, a business, employees and you have never paid income taxes. How is that possible?

A: Well, you see…..

B: Please meet us at our office at 5 pm on Thursday afternoon in Dallas for an audit.

A: I can’t do that…I have clients.

B: And we sir, are the United States Government. Have a nice day.

Buffy hangs up. Angel walks out – I need plane tickets to Dallas Cordy.

C: Is this like London where you get there and find out no one called you?

A: Of course not, how stupid do I look? I checked this time. She’s real – I even got her phone number.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Epilogue

Buffy and Spike stopped tormenting Angel shortly thereafter. Upon Angel’s arrival at the Dallas branch of the IRS and their consequent discovery that he had no file, he was arrested for tax evasion. Upon closer scrutiny of his identification, his papers turned out to be fraudulent. After one month of incarceration, he was deported to Ireland, where he remains to this day.