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Not Beneath Me by Tasha
 
(1) Maybe, Maybe Not
 
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Not Beneath Me - Chapter 1 (Maybe, Maybe Not)

By MissKitty and Tasha


Chapter Summary: Begins at the end of the episode "Fool For Love" (Season 5). Will Buffy keep pushing Spike away and remain silent, or will she open up to him a little? Why might she be willing to share things with Spike and not Riley? Hmmm, some very good questions. Read and find out the answers. {smiles}

Author's Note: Prologue - Chapter 6 were jointly written. From then on Tasha only writes them. This story was adopted with the permission of Miss Kitty (and at her request). Constructive criticisms are welcome; flaming is not.

(Disclaimer and Distribution notes are listed in the Prologue of this story. Thank you ahead of time for reading and accepting or abiding by them.

'Single' quote marks surround thoughts in this story. "Regular" quotes are around spoken words.





The touch was enough to slap Buffy back into reality. Instinctively she pushed Spike away and stood. "No!" She looked away from him again, out into the dark night, and sighed. Her emotions fought to take control of her. So, she spoke out to no one in particular, "God, why does life have to be so hard?"

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"Not quite sure about that one myself, Slayer." How many times had he asked himself the same question? As a human he was plagued with feelings of mediocrity or inferiority. Just when he thought his life was improving by becoming a vampire, Angelus knocked him down and reinforced his lack of self worth. Oh he had hid behind a secure facade for over a century, but some things could still destroy that to bring him back to his more poncey days and insecurities. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it, pet?" He needed to break out of this melancholy of past memories and focus on the present or it would swallow him up again.

"Yes, I'm quite sure. Besides, it's not like you care a thing about how I feel." So many burdens from the past and the present crowded her. Where did she fit in? What was her purpose? Every day she tried to act like a normal girl with a normal life, but it wasn't working. Her nights were filled with things that would strike terror in the hearts of most, but they were commonplace to her. What was normal about that?


Spike huffed. 'If the crazy bint only knew.' He shook his head back and forth. 'How could she suspect nothing after I tried to kiss the bloody girl.'

"No one understands what it's like." Buffy's tone carried a bit of annoyance to it. She was getting frustrated with everyone. Her friends had their own little lives now. They weren't there for her. Sure, she had a boyfriend, but she just couldn't talk to Riley about anything. He always turned everything into something about himself.

"What about Captain Cardboard?" Spike asked, unaware of Buffy's thoughts. "I'm sure good ol Whitebread would like to kiss and make it better?" He snarled.

"Yeah, right." Buffy's eyes widened in shock at the irony of Spike's comment coinciding with her thoughts. "He understands me real well. You know in the NOT variety." She emphasized the not with sarcasm.

Spike flinched. Not like he cared if the G.I. Joe stayed or left, but the last he had heard the couple wasn't having any problems. "You two having a fight?" He tried to ask casually, a little inner smile spreading as he waited for the answer.

"No, it's just ..." Buffy's voice trailed off to nothingness. She sighed. Why couldn't she talk to Riley about all of this? Shouldn't her boyfriend care enough to have called her tonight after his patrol? She didn't even know if he was okay. Instead of calling Riley to chew him out, she took out her frustration on the blond vampire that seemed to be trying to help her. "Why am I even talking to you about this?"

Spike threw his hands up in a surrender motion. "Geez, Slayer. Jus' trying to help." He stood up a bit put off with her attitude. "Thought maybe you'd like someone to talk to. Something is obviously wrong, but I've been your whipping boy enough tonight." He growled and moved to walk away from Buffy. He was surprised when he didn't even get a step away before he felt her hand on his arm.

"Wait ... please." Buffy could see the questioning in Spike's glance at her. "Stay?"

Spike couldn't have been more shocked. Was Buffy actually asking him to stay? Did she really mean it? 'This is definitely not like her. I'd always be the last person she'd like near her when she isn't happy. Something is terribly wrong.' He sat back down, resting his hand lightly on her knee. "All right, Slayer. What's buggin' you?"

Buffy wouldn't even look at Spike now as she spoke. "It's my mom." She processed the information her mother told her earlier, again. "She has to stay at the hospital for some testing."

"Oh? She going to be okay?" Now Spike was worried too. He liked Joyce Summers a lot. She was the only one of the whole lot of them, except for the Nibblet, that treated him like a person. He could always count on Joyce as a shoulder to lean on or an ear to bend. She'd listened to him talk about all of his Dru problems, his loneliness, or Scoobie problems many times.

"Of course!" Buffy almost yelled out on instinct and fear. She frowned, "I don't really know. I have no idea what I'm going to do if anything is really wrong." She buried her face in her hands again. "If anything happens to her, I don't know what I'll do."

"She's strong like you and the Little Bit. She'll make it." Spike tried to convey a confidence in his voice that he didn't feel inside. He knew first hand how the health of someone you love was not something you could control or predict.

"You think so?" Buffy looked up at Spike, hopeful. "I can't even bear to think about life without my mom."

Spike patted Buffy's knee. "You'll have enough strength to deal with whatever comes your way, Slayer. Don't doubt yourself." He gazed off into the distance and up towards the stars. "I know how the world can seem to crumble when someone you love is ill. You feel helpless, like your heart will stop beating the very moment that theirs does." Though no one would have thought that Spike could feel much of anything, he'd never forget the memories of his mother's illness and subsequent deaths; both of them.

Buffy couldn't believe what she was hearing. Could Spike have ever felt love so deeply that he knew the pain of loss? Several minutes passed with her simply watching him. What was he thinking about? What had happened to him before, and why should she be caring about it?

Spike shifted in his seat when he realized that Buffy was staring at him. He cleared his throat and tried to change the subject. He'd told her enough about his past already. There was no sense in her finding out truly what a mama's boy he was in his human days. "So, what about Captain Cardboard? Why isn't he here talking to you?"

"I don't know." Buffy's eyes narrowed. He was changing the subject on her, but he sure didn't pick a good one to start talking about instead. "He was supposed to patrol tonight, but I haven't heard a thing from him yet. I know he's back because Willow already called me, and the gang went with him tonight."

"Maybe he just forgot." Spike shrugged. He wished he could snatch the words back as soon as they passed his lips. Telling a girl that her boyfriend forgot about her was not the right way to go to cheer the girl up. 'Idiot,' he called himself.

"Why do you care so much about my love life anyways, Spike?" Buffy spit out the words with venom. "Cause if you are just trying to get me to talk so you can mock me later about it, you can just go away!" She tried to stand up.

"Hey, I'm not gonna mock you later." Spike placed his hand on Buffy's arm. He had to prove to her that he wasn't playing games with her. He teased her in a lighthearted voice, "I would like my nose not broken, thank you very much. Mocking a Slayer wouldn't do well to keep my face unblemished." His gaze turned more serious as it leveled with hers. " 'Sides, who says that I don't care?" He knew that he was probably setting himself up again for hurt by telling a woman that he cared about her, but he needed Buffy to know that she had someone on her side. "I do care about you, Slay ... Buffy."

Buffy stared at Spike completely stunned. What was he getting at? Did all of the Clan of Aurelius take pleasure in the head games with their enemies? "You can't be ser ..."

Spike interrupted Buffy before she could sink the dagger of a forked tongue into his heart. "I am deadly serious. I. Care. About. You." If vampires could blush his face would be heated. Why did he risk her rage and embarrass himself like this. He couldn't believe that he'd actually told her that he cared. True it wasn't a declaration of love, but those few words set him up for a big time smack down if the Slayer didn't want to accept them. His brain never seemed to be able to stop the words of his heart from pouring out of his mouth. It had gotten him into trouble for the last 150 years.

"Oh." Buffy knew that her voice sounded flat, and she should say more, but she just couldn't form the words to say. Her brain was trying to focus on what he'd said to her. Instead of facing the situation she did what she always did, she tried to steer away from what she couldn't handle. "I just feel like I can't talk to Riley." She sighed.

Spike was slightly disappointed that an "oh" was all he got as feedback for saying that he cared about her. He was happy that Buffy wasn't punching him in the face though. Maybe there was hope for him yet. She didn't seem to hate him for saying it.

"I mean I know he wants me to talk to him, but I don't think he really understands what I need. It's weird to realize when I think about it, but he really doesn't know me." Buffy continued on without noticing Spike's reflection on her words. "I don't know how long this can go on between him and I. Someone has to understand me, and my boyfriends haven't exactly been with me in that department in ... well ever."

Spike tilted his head slightly to the side. 'She said boyfriends. I wonder if she means good ol' Peaches never understood her either?' That thought alone made Spike's night. The great poofster was not a person on his favorite's list. "Not tryin' to piss you off, but are you sure you love him? I would think that if he was truly the one you were meant for you'd be able to talk to him about anything." He expected a sharp slap across the face or a punch in the nose for even suggesting what he did. Instead all he got was a very quiet, almost inaudible, "Maybe you're right". Only his vampiric hearing allowed him to hear the words at all.

"You know," Buffy continued, "I just realized something." She rested her hand over Spike's on her arm and lightly squeezed it. "You're not beneath me."

Spike couldn't have had a more shocked look on his face if a Fyarl demon had appeared in a tutu in front of him singing Grease Lightning. He gulped hard.

"I'm sorry that I said it. You scared ... I shouldn't have struck out at you like that." Buffy knew why she'd said it. She was scared at what the proximity of his body was doing to her. He had looked like he was going to kiss her, and it scared her to realize that she wanted him to at the time. "I didn't really want to hurt you." She leaned a little closer to him.

"S'all right, luv." Spike shook his head in disbelief. This night went from bad to extremely good. He didn't want to say more for the fear that she'd take it back. His eyes traveled from her lips to her eyes and back down. He licked his lips nervously. His brain knew that he should count his lucky stars and not press his luck, but he couldn't help the fact that his body responded to her nearness. He slowly leaned in towards her further.

Spike's lips brushed across Buffy's gently, and then he kissed her. She closed her eyes and instinctively her arms stroked up his arms to wrap around his neck, leaning into the kiss. His tongue darted against his own lips, outlining them and seeking entrance into her mouth. Just as she was about to open her mouth to allow his tongue to dance with hers, a deep but shrill voice inside the house invaded their moment.

"Buffy!?!" There was no mistaking the clomp of Riley's boots in the front entryway as he made his way through the kitchen. "Are you home? Why was the door unlocked?"

"Bloody Hell!" Spike growled low and pulled back from Buffy. 'Of all the bloody time to finally show up!' He sighed dejectedly. "Guess I should go, eh?"

Buffy stared at Spike wide-eyed. She licked her lips slowly not moving further away from him. Her body warred with her mind. She knew that she needed to go to Riley, but she didn't want to leave Spike's side. "Yeah." Her voice was barely more than a whisper. She didn't trust herself to say more.

Spike stood up, picked up his gun, and adjusted it in his arms. He started to walk away but stopped and turned back around to face Buffy. "Be seein' you around, Slayer. You know where I am if you need me." With that he walked away, back to his crypt and back to another lonely night. Harmony was definitely getting kicked out of there tonight. He couldn't stand her air headed prattle and "I told you so's" tonight.

Buffy stayed a few moments longer as she watched Spike disappear through the hedges. She went into the kitchen just as Riley reached the door. She really didn't want to see Riley right now. Irritated at being interrupted and at herself for being mad about the interruption, she pushed Riley out the door fairly quickly without ever mentioning her mother's ailment or upcoming hospital stay.

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Buffy laid in her bed that night and thought about what had happened with Spike. Just where the heck had that kiss come from? She knew that Riley could sense that something was wrong with her during the time they did talk tonight, and she felt bad about it. She hadn't explained anything to him, and there was no way that she could tell him about the kiss. How could she kiss someone that wasn't her boyfriend? She wasn't the kind of person that cheated on the man she loved. What was it that Spike had said earlier about if Riley was the one she was meant to be with that she could talk to him about anything. Was she truly meant to be with Riley?

Buffy traced her lips with her fingertips. That kiss ... it was so soft, and it was nothing that she'd have expected from Spike. He always seemed so rough and tumble about everything. She wouldn't have thought that he was capable of such tenderness. Spike had said that he cared about her. Wow! That was so out of the blue for him. She had no idea that he felt anything for her except disdain. That kiss was definitely not of the disdain nature. It spoke of something tender and deep, almost passionate.

Hadn't they been fighting tooth and nail in the alley just an hour before Spike arrived at her house? Now all of a sudden he cared for her? 'Wait a minute ... he tried to kiss me in the alley. I would swear it.' Her mind was in complete overload. 'So Spike has some sort of feelings for me.' That thought made her body tingle and warm up. Now the big problem though ... Riley. The more she thought about it all, the bigger the headache she got. She finally decided that she'd thought about everything enough for one night. She needed to sleep on it all.

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All night Buffy dreamt about Spike. So many scenarios played through her mind about what could have happened if Riley hadn't interrupted them. She squirmed all over the bed as each played out, but in the middle of it all a nightmare blossomed. Buffy sat upright in bed, panting and crying at her last dream. She had dreamt that Riley got mad when she made her choice to stay with Spike and staked him. For several panicked moments, Buffy thought Spike was gone. As her body shook with the sobs that threatened to begin, she realized it was all just a nightmare. Another thought hit her hard just as the relief of realizing it was just a nightmare did, she cared for Spike too. 'Oh god, what am I going to do now?'

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(To Be Continued)
 
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