This beautiful banner was created for me by the wonderful artist The_Space_Between!!! Thanks, love!!!




Spike’s sleep was restless and troubled, filled with confused, disjointed nightmare images…

Xander standing over him as he knelt helpless, not daring to plead for mercy, knowing that the boy was going to punish him for his failure to keep the secret…Dawn and Buffy, bleeding and broken, their flesh broken by the bullets from Xander’s gun, their wide, pain-filled eyes focused on him in betrayal and accusation…knowing that their precious lives were ebbing away, as Xander grabbed him and dragged him forcefully back to the caves where he had been held prisoner – never to be free again…

He felt a warm touch, like liquid fire on his cool arm – and he jerked back to wakefulness, his crystal blue eyes wide and panicked, in the moment before they came to rest on a pair of round, blinking emerald eyes full of anxious concern.

“Buffy,” he whispered with relief, as he realized that he had only been dreaming.

And in the next moment, his relief faded into a sick feeling of fear, as he remembered that the dream was only a single misstep away from becoming reality.

A single misstep that he just might have already made.

“Hey,” she said softly, an affectionate smile on her lips as she sat down beside him on the bed where he lay, gently pushing him over a bit so that she could rest beside him. “Sleep good, Sweetie?”

He glanced around the room, wondering briefly where Dawn had gotten off to, before meeting her eyes again and nodding silently – a silent lie.

The troubled frown that creased her brow told him that he had not convinced her – and once again, he cursed his own stupidity and uselessness, which he was certain was going to end up getting Buffy and Dawn killed.

“Spike – I need to talk to you,” Buffy said with a heavy sigh of resignation. “It’s – really important. Okay?”

The sick feeling in his stomach intensified, and he looked up at her anxiously again, studying her expression intently for any clue of what she was about to say. Judging by Dawn’s frighteningly knowing reaction to his attempts to convince her that it was *not* Xander who had hurt him – he had a pretty good idea that he knew at least the general idea of what Buffy wanted to talk to him about.

Still, having really no other choice, he nodded hesitantly in response to her words.

“Okay,” she repeated, taking a deep breath – and then saying nothing. Clearly, this conversation was not one that she particularly wanted to have, either.

“Spike,” she tried again after an awkward silence. “I – I know who hurt you.”

Spike felt a sense of rising panic building up inside him, closing off his throat until he could not speak, could not even breathe – forgetting that he did not need to. He looked away from her, shaking his head slightly, trying to pull away.

Buffy did not let him.

“Spike,” she said firmly, turning halfway to face him directly. “Look at me, Sweetie.”

He did not want to, but there was a gentle command in her voice, and he felt that he had no choice. His apprehensive, tearful gaze reluctantly met hers, as he swallowed convulsively, his breathing beginning again, ragged and uneven.

“Please,” he gasped out hoarsely. “Buffy – please…no…”

Buffy winced visibly at the desperate, pleading tone of his words, but she bravely held his gaze, as she went on firmly, “Spike – I wish I *could* just let this go – but I can’t. I have to protect you, Spike – and – I’ve already failed to do that once. I won’t let you down again – and if I pretend like this isn’t happening, like I don’t know who did this to you – that’s what I’d be doing.”

“No,” he objected, frowning with confusion as he tried to understand some of the more difficult parts of what she was saying. “No, Buffy – please don’t – don’t wanna – talk about – this…please…”

“Spike – Xander hurt you. He held you prisoner and tortured you for months – and then, he came up here last night, and told you not to say anything to me – didn’t he?” Buffy’s tone was resolute, slightly warning – leaving no room for argument. “Look at me,” she repeated sharply when he could not hold her gaze.

There was a panicked, terrified expression in his wide blue eyes when he dragged them back up to hers, his fast, uneven breath nearly a sob in his throat. “Please,” he whispered, unable to deny her words, in the face of her clear knowledge – and unable to bring himself to admit the truth. “Please, Buffy – please don’t…”

“Spike,” she whispered, her voice softening as she raised a gentle hand to his cheek, her expression sorrowful when he could not help the instinctive flinch at her touch. “I won’t let him hurt you again – I promise…you’re going to be safe…you just have to trust me…” She paused, looking down for a moment before going on sadly, “I know that’s hard right now – because I let him get to you. And I’m so, *so* sorry…but it *won’t* happen again, Spike. I promise.”

“It – it wasn’t – he didn’t…” Spike tried – really tried – to tell her that she was wrong about her friend…but his shaking, tearful voice broke off immediately the moment he met her eyes.

His heart sank at the certainty he saw in her gaze – the reluctant but unwavering knowledge that she was right in her assumption that Xander was his abuser. His mind was screaming at him to deny it, convince her that she was wrong, for her sake and for Dawn’s, even if not for his own.

His heart already knew that it would not be possible.

The tender sympathy, the understanding that he had not expected to see in her eyes at this moment, when faced with the choice between him and Xander, was more than enough to break through the fragile defenses of his unwilling lies – and Spike broke down, staring down at the mattress between them, tears streaming from his eyes, his shoulders shaking with sobs of relief – terror – confusion…

He really had no idea *what* he was feeling at this point.

It didn’t matter to Buffy, as she reached her soft arms around him, pulling him toward her, one hand pressing his head gently to her chest, as she whispered soothing sounds in his ear, promising him again and again that everything was going to be all right, that she would protect him, that she would not let Xander or anyone else hurt him.

Spike felt an almost overwhelming despair, at the truth resonating in his heart.

She had no idea that his fear had very little to do with Xander’s hurting *him*.

“Buffy,” he whispered breathlessly, struggling briefly against her gentle arms, until she almost immediately released him, his wide, startled gaze focused on hers intently, urgently. “B-Buffy – you – he – he s-said…” He hesitated, searching for the right words, which seemed to elude him in his panic.

Patiently, she waited for him to go on, searching his gaze with affectionate eyes, her hand resting at his cheek, her thumb moving up and down in a tender caress. “What is it, Sweetie?” she asked him finally. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“He – s-said – you…D-dawn…no tell…o-or…he h-hurt you…*kill* you…”

Buffy’s eyes widened in horror, her head shaking slightly in desperate disbelief. “No,” she whispered, her mind rejecting the only possible meaning of his words. “He couldn’t have…he didn’t really mean…”

“Please,” Spike sobbed softly, bowing his head, his hands clinging to her arms, as his worst fears seemed to close in on him – that Buffy would not believe him, would think he was lying, and leave him at the mercy of his enemy. But it was too late to turn back now; he had made his decision, told her everything – and there was no way to take it back, although at that moment he desperately wanted to. “Please – b-believe me – please…”

“I do,” Buffy whispered, almost automatically – but it was the truth. “I do believe you, Spike – it’s just – I wish – I wish it wasn’t true…oh God…” She shook her head, with an effort bringing her eyes back to his and trying her best to focus on him and what he was feeling.

“Spike – he can’t hurt me…not if I know he’s planning on it – you see? I’m much stronger than he is…and if I know he’s gonna try something, I can stop him – do you understand?” she tried to explain.

Spike’s brow was creased with concentration as he tried to follow her explanation. He nodded slowly as he understood – and then his eyes widened in a stricken expression as the unspoken implications hit him – and he realized that he had made a terrible mistake which could have cost them all their lives.

He had been keeping silence out of a desire to protect Buffy and Dawn – but in reality, his silence had almost caused them to be in more danger. Now, it all made sense; Buffy was only able to protect any of them if she *knew* who her enemy was – to watch out for him, and to be on her guard.

His fear had left her at the mercy of that enemy – the man she had thought was her friend.

“M-my fault,” he whispered, shaking his head, his eyes staring up at her in stricken shame. “My fault – sorry…should have told…”

“No,” she reassured him, “no, Baby, it’s not your fault…you’re okay…you didn’t know…you were trying your best to protect us, Sweetie…it’s okay…”

Spike was trembling violently, still clinging to her arms for support, as a spreading weakness had come over him, and he felt as if he might pass out. It was all just so overwhelming – so very much to take in, to comprehend and fit into his rather limited frame of thought.

Suddenly, a frightening thought occurred to him, and he made himself look up at her again. “B-buffy,” he whispered urgently, holding her gaze intently. “G-gun…he has…gun…sh-shoot you…”

Buffy’s face paled, her eyes widening, as she began to look a little sick. “He won’t,” she assured him in a voice barely over a whisper. “No, Spike, I won’t let him…I’ll watch out for the gun…I promise…”

Relieved, and utterly exhausted from this brief yet all-important conversation, Spike leaned forward, resting his head on her shoulder as Buffy did her best to comfort him, holding him close to her and reiterating her promises of protection and understanding – and Spike tried as hard as he could to accept it, to believe that she could keep those promises.

But safety, peace, comfort – all were concepts that were still very new to him. He had made incredible strides just in the past few days, the only days he remembered being free from torment and bondage – but his painful time in captivity was still very fresh in his mind, and he found it difficult to accept that it was really over, that Xander really could not get to him again.

*Can’t hurt me – she’ll protect me – can’t get to me – won’t let him be alone with me…*

He repeated the words, a desperate chant to reassure himself that it was true, that he could safely accept this new life – until the mantra was interrupted by Buffy’s soft, uncertain voice at his ear, her arms around him trembling slightly with some emotion unknown to him.

“Spike – there’s just – one thing…I – I need to ask you…”

******************************

“I can’t believe he said that.”

Dawn’s voice was low and stunned, trembling with hurt, as she sat on the living room sofa beside her sister, her blue eyes wide and unseeing as she stared at the coffee table. “He really said he’d – he’d shoot us? *Xander* said he’d shoot me and you?”

Buffy nodded slowly, her expression grim, as she studied her sister’s face with concern. She was hurting too, taken completely off guard by Spike’s revelation – but she was trying to hold it together for the sake of her sister.

Fortunately, they had their privacy to deal with the shock. Giles had taken Anya out, under the guise of discussing business matters regarding the shop – but Buffy suspected that the outing was really to break the news to her gently regarding their suspicions about Xander.

Now that Spike had reluctantly admitted Xander’s guilt, there was no reason to keep Spike isolated from everyone besides her and Dawn. So, Buffy had taken Angel upstairs, granting his request to spend some time with his childe – and when Spike’s reaction had been one of wonder, and perhaps a bit of awe…but not the least bit of fear…she had reluctantly left them alone in the upstairs bedroom, forcing her own jealous fears out of her mind and trying her best to focus on her sister.

Once she started to actually explain, focusing on Dawn’s feelings was not hard.

Her own feelings were much the same.

“I didn’t want to believe it, either, Dawnie,” she said with soft sympathy. “But it’s true. Spike wouldn’t make it up – probably couldn’t. And he certainly couldn’t fake his feelings. He was terrified – for *us*. He wasn’t even so worried about what Xander might do to *him* -- he was keeping his mouth shut because Xander said he’d kill *us* if Spike told the truth about what happened to him.”

Dawn was quiet for a long moment – and when she spoke again, her voice was alarmingly low, and dark with fury.

“I want to kill him.”

Buffy looked up at her sister sharply, concern in her eyes. She completely understood Dawn’s feelings – wanted to kill Xander herself – but the hatred shining out from her little sister’s eyes was chilling.

“Dawnie,” she warned her quietly, “we have to be careful…we have to…”

“We have to make him pay for what he did to Spike,” Dawn finished for her, meeting her eyes with a challenge blazing in her own. “We have to make sure that Spike is safe from him for good.”

“I know,” Buffy said simply, giving up on whatever she had been about to say; she really could not remember what it was going to be, anyway.

“So – did you talk to Spike about the plan?” Dawn asked after a long moment of silence.

“I did.”

When Buffy did not volunteer any further information, Dawn prompted her impatiently, “And? What did he say? Did he understand what you were asking him to do?”

“He did,” Buffy answered simply with a nod, not looking at her sister. “And – he said yes.” She met Dawn’s eyes with a determined gaze, her jaw set as she thought of how they were going to prove beyond all doubt just what Xander was capable of, what he had done – beyond any capability he might have to deny it. A slight, grim smile rose to her lips as she finished quietly.

“We’re going to do it. Tomorrow. And then – Xander’s going to pay.”